Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: "Her trepidation and the unsettling in her stomach had not been about Derek at all from the beginning. Now she knows that is definitely not the case. Dammit, this was not how it was supposed to go." This was definitely not how Emily had planned her new beginning.

Author's Note: Seriously, there is so much to take from that season finale. Thing is also, there is something in them that I can relate to my own life. Reality makes the best fiction, right? Because my other half and I are not together. And that's probably the best decision we've ever made. Because the area between being just friends and being together is huge. One single huge grey zone where there are no rules. Not even a guideline to point you in the right direction . So you navigate between bliss, heartbreaks and all the other curveballs life may throw at you.

Much of what's been between us and what I've experienced is implemented in my stories, so even if I like the thought of Derek and Emily together, part of me feels that it's possible to love someone even more just because you're not together. Doesn't make much sense but think about it and hopefully it will.

So this story, angsty as it may be, is dedicated to my other half in this universe; I love you exactly as much as I've told you, and even more than anyone else can ever guess.

–

The Cosmic Soup

by gracelessheart

"The bitter and the sweet mixed up together like a cosmic soup that we've all signed up for.." - Penelope Garcia. Hit & Run.

This is not how it was supposed to go.

Everything from the moment she made her decision has just gone wrong or felt wrong. It doesn't ease the weight on her chest at all, doesn't set her free from whatever it is that's been holding her down. Emily knows she has made the right decision to change things, but she is no longer so sure if she has decided to change the right things.

The papers sort themselves out rather quickly and she informs the team of her decision the Thursday after JJ's wedding. After the short discussion with Morgan at Rossi's place she hasn't brought it up with anyone. Not even her mother knows. She speaks to Hotch first thing in the morning and after presenting the consult cases that day, she nervously clears her throat, stands from her seat and feeling the suspicious looks from her friends, family, she realizes that they've all been suspecting something like this.

The silence following her announcement is almost unbearable. She registers their reactions and the sound of hearing her heart break into yet another piece is deafening. Hotch leaves the room first, declaring the briefing to be over. Rossi gives her a long look, sad but supportive before he also stands to leave. The rest remain and Reid breaks the silence by connecting the dots and asking if this is about the phone calls to Easter during the last case. Emily only nods and gingerly sits back down.

Conversation slowly picks up and the moods lightens slightly, against the odds. During the whole exchange Morgan sits quietly in his chair and for the first time in five years, Emily has no idea what he's thinking and it scares her. She usually reads him like an open book but now his face is blank. She tears her eyes from him because that look of hurt, that one she's seen before, almost a year ago.

Ten minutes later, he wordlessly gets out of his chair and disappears to his office. No one sees him for the rest of the day.

–

That night they have their first argument. Their first fight ever. Never ever in a million years, has Emily imagined she would witness his anger being directed at her. Two seconds in and she knows it is one of the most horrible things she has ever gone through.

He comes by her place unexpectedly. He pounds on her door and just by looking through the peep-hole, taking in his offensive stance and heavy breaths, she knows how this evening will go down. She just wasn't prepared for how it would feel.

He is pacing her living room like a caged animal, rage and hurt mixing together and making his eyes go impossibly dark. And somewhere along the accusations, the questions and all the pure anger she turns defensive and yells back. He wants to know why. Why she thinks this is the only option, why she couldn't tell him in the first place when he asked her to her face if she was leaving, why she won't give it some more thought. She wants to know why he has to fight her on this, why he can't just be supportive like everybody else. But despite all the demanding questions, no answers come out.

The anger and yelling soon dissolves into heavy silence and pained looks. The rage has vanished from his eyes and to her horror, Emily can just stare as his eyes soften and silent tears find their way down his cheeks. She has seen him cry before and if she felt helpless then, that was nothing compared to now, painfully aware of that this time she is the reason for his tears.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"Me too."

Then he walks up to her and the feeling of the back of his hand gently run down her cheek, almost making her fall apart completely. His now dry eyes bore into hers for another long moment, then he turns to leave. She watches him go and as she hears the door fall shut behind him, she let her own tears fall.

–

The following week, they don't talk more than necessarily. It's not that they don't want to, they just don't know how. He's forgiven though. Emily knows he has all the right to ask those things from her. After all, if he was the one leaving she would probably do the very same thing. She's almost glad he has his own office down the hall. Meeting his sad eyes from the desk across from hers would be too hard.

On Friday night, she has had enough. Everybody left a long time ago but she has stayed behind, using the excuse of having things to finish up before her departure while the real reason is that she is sitting around, gathering courage to walk those few feet down the corridor to Morgan's office. Coincidentally, he has stayed late, too.

The door is slightly ajar when she finally forces her feet to carry her from the bullpen and down the hall. When he looks up at her, it's almost as if he's been expecting her. The look is full of apology and as he comes around his desk and wraps her in his arms, she knows she forgave him before she even stepped through the door.

He holds her for what feels like an eternity, much like he had done on JJ's wedding. Just like then, she presses her cheek to his and let her eyes fall shut.

And just like then, she allows herself to think, if just for that single moment, that everything is really going to be okay.

–

Then time flies and she is down to the two last days in D.C. She worked her last day at the BAU yesterday and is well aware of that the following forty-eight hours will be spent on goodbyes. She swings by JJ's place and the two women sit on the front steps, watching Henry run around in the small front yard, kicking a football and clutching a water gun in his hand. JJ asks her if she still thinks she has made the right decision and for the first time since she resigned, Emily hesitates before saying yes.

Noticing Emily avoiding her eyes and focusing on her hands, JJ gives her a long look before asking softly: "Is this about Morgan?"

"No."

"You sure?" JJ asks.

"Not really. But I know it can't be, because if it is... " Emily trails off and she watches Henry happily run towards them and settle himself between them. His innocent eyes turn to Emily and he tilts his head, as if he sees her doubt too.

"Emily, come play with me," he then asks and smiles brightly at her before taking her hand in his small one and dragging her towards the toys scattered on the grass. Emily laughs and her heart once again melts at the boys innocent exuberance. She tried to explain to him that she wasn't going to be working with mommy anymore, but the boy had just giggled and shook his head.

"Nah-ah. That's silly, Emily!"

And as she finds herself chasing him around the yard, Emily can't help but contemplate the boy's words again. JJ's too. This was never about Morgan, Emily knew that at least, but she couldn't help but ask herself if that was slowly changing.

After hugging the LaMontagne family extra closely, Will also asking her if was sure she didn't want to over think this one, she hunted down both Hotch and Jack, Garcia and finally ending the emotionally exhausting day with a glass of red wine with Rossi. There is talking, hugging, crying and eventually reluctant goodbyes and as she leaves standing invitations with them all, she knows these are people who wouldn't hesitate to fly over.

–

She spends the whole morning and most of the following day with Reid. Emily has been fearing he will handle her departure with the same anger as last time and is relieved to find that he is not. Instead he talks about all the places he wants to go see in London, about British authors, movies and places she has never heard of. As she hugs him goodbye, she is certain that he will definitely take her up on the invitation. He smiles and offers his trademark awkward wave as she drives off and once again makes it so much harder to go through with what she's about to do.

But before that, she has the whole afternoon and night left. At least eight hours she has planned to spend with her partner, or former partner... She drives across town, following the directions he gave her the night before. Apparently he's bought yet another property which he is actually planning to keep for himself this time. Maybe she wasn't the only one needing to put down roots somewhere.

As she parks along the street, the door opens and the familiar shape of his old bulldog come rushing out to greet her. Derek hangs back on the porch, watching Emily take her time scratching Clooney's belly. As she straightens up, the dog dutifully walks behind her, up the stairs to Derek, but still keeping his eyes focused on their guest.

"He's gonna miss you," Derek says in a low voice, eyes focusing intently on hers. Emily just nods, getting the feeling that he's not only talking for Clooney.

Thankfully, there is no yelling this time. No accusations flying across the room. They just sit on the front steps, like she had with JJ, staring at the sparse traffic passing by. It's a quiet neighborhood in the outskirts of D.C, not the one she pictured him falling for and the complete opposite of the fancy townhouse she gave up.

Those eight hours pass as mere minutes. They don't move from the porch, instead Derek simply pulls out some blankets and lights up the lone lantern by the door. As the city grows quieter so do they. It's well after midnight when Emily reluctantly announces she has to get back home. After all, she has booked an early flight.

He follows her to her car and reminds her that the offer of him driving her to the airport still stands. She once again declines and just nods, as if he has expected it. She has consciously booked an early flight, turning it into an excuse for turning down her friends' offers of driving her. Because saying goodbye at the airport, like in all those movies made only to make you cry, would mean too many tears than she's ready to show.

He opens the door for her but she doesn't get in right away. Instead, she just looks at him, studies his face and the sadness marring his handsome features. It hits her again exactly how much she is going to miss him. He's been her partner for so long, he knows her better than anyone else, can predict her and save her from herself if needed. Now she'll be all on her own.

"Let me know when you get there, ok?" he says, voice thick with emotion and struggling to keep his eyes on hers.

Emily doesn't trust her voice and only nods again. This is really goodbye. Not indefinitely like last time, when there wasn't even a goodbye. But at least for a good while. She realizes that except from those seven months, they haven't been apart for more than two weeks in these past five years. He seems to thinking somewhere along those lines as well, because his hand tentatively reaches out to put two fingers under her chin, keeping her gaze steadily on him. He takes a step closer and lets his forehead fall against hers, letting out a heavy sigh.

"I miss you already," he whispers and she instinctively raises her hand to his, still holding her chin gently and takes hold of it, lacing her fingers through his.

"I miss you, too."

She wants him to kiss her but knows he won't. She can feel him fight it as much as she does, but that would just be wrong. It's not the place, not the time. Maybe it's not even supposed to be at all. She cannot even utter the words "goodbye" as she reluctantly steps away and gets in her car. She speeds down the street and dares to take one look in the rearview mirror. He's looking after her, as expected. She swallows the lump in her throat and angrily blinks away her tears.

Her trepidation and the unsettling in her stomach had not been about Derek at all from the beginning. Now she knows that is definitely not the case. Dammit, this was not how it was supposed to go.

–

She lands, exhausted, at Gatwick at 1 a.m London time. But despite her fatigue, it feels good to be back in London. Europe has always felt so different from the States. Even if she hated moving around with her mother during her childhood, she had always liked the places they stayed in. They were all so different from one another.

And she has always liked London. She has already arranged for most of her belongings to be shipped to the apartment Interpol had fixed for her. As she opens the door and flicks on the light, she is surprised that it looks even better than on the few pictures. Amazing view from the windows in the living room, high ceiling and open spaces. Boxes are lined up against the wall but it's nothing she's never done before. She has her process for unpacking and organizing a new home as efficiently as possible, she'll deal with it tomorrow.

She yawns and the twelve hour long flight makes itself reminded again. She drags her bags into the bedroom and collapses on the bed.

Not much later, as she crawls down beneath the covers, she can't help but pull out her phone and open the conversation she keeps with Derek. She reads the last message, written almost three days ago, when she made him promise to stay in that night because she was coming by. She knows she should leave him alone. He doesn't really have to be reminded of the fact that she's now 3700 miles away. But she already misses him and can't help but write a short message before turning off the lights.

You're gonna love London.

–

Time actually moves faster than she first expected. The first days disappear like mere seconds, turning into weeks, turning into months. It's less field work but to her surprise, she finds that she doesn't mind. After all, she took this job to do something different. Hunting criminals on the field wouldn't be the same without her old BAU-team, so maybe this is for the better.

She tries to stay in touch but with the time difference, their schedules and her own it has been limited to short text message conversations and the Skype call. She was almost glad for her busy workdays, knowing she would probably miss them like crazy if she only had the time to.

Maybe that's why a heavy weight of a million different emotions settled on her chest the moment she stepped out of the office this particular Friday afternoon. It is only a little after three and she'd felt the curious stares from her co-workers as she'd shut down her office shockingly early. A whirlwind of thoughts are still spinning in her head as she gets in her car, tosses her purse on the passenger seat and quickly speeds through the busy streets.

This isn't like any other Friday. Fishing out her phone and pulling up the e-mail that had made her heart thump a little harder for the past five days. Flight details. Today's date glows at her from the bright screen of her iPhone and she swallows another lump of nervousness. She stops at a red light, waiting patiently and taking the moment to once again try to calm herself down.

It doesn't work.

–

Forty-five minutes later she's weaving through the crowd inside the busy Gatwick Airport. It's been over four months since she first set foot her, exhausted and still doubting her decision. She clutches her phone tightly in her hand, glancing at the digital clock every other minute as she pass by reunions as well as tear-filled goodbyes. People coming home, visiting or leaving. Just for a while or maybe forever.

Walking with quick strides towards the terminal, she suddenly slows down. In just a few minutes she will once more be faced with some of the consequences of her decision. Maybe even finish that chapter that she had reluctantly and almost unconsciously started writing the days before her departure, to start a new one.

She had expected Reid to be the first one to make the trip but as the e-mail blinked in her inbox, Emily had found herself to not really be surprised that it was Derek Morgan who announced that he had a week off and asked if the invitation still stood. Of course it did.

She presses the button on her phone. His flight landed roughly ten minutes ago. It's almost silly how much she's been looking forward to this. To see him. Nothing about her leaving had been easy, the goodbye to her partner being one of the most difficult things she had ever been through. Since then they had talked. Not much or more than she had with any of the others. Still, it felt like they had come a long way.

This odd feeling doesn't give in, even as her eyes finally settle on his familiar form slumped in a chair, scanning the crowd for her. She smiles even before he sees her, feeling giddy. She briefly thinks that this is like one of those movie scenes when you always snort and claim "could never happen in real life". But that thought quickly disappears as he gets to his feet upon spotting her.

As she approaches him, she can almost hear another piece of the puzzle fall into place. The cryptic e-mails, text messages, the unabashed looks of longing via Skype. She knows it's probably a bad time to start something, even something small and ambiguous, but since when has there ever been a good time for anything in their lives? The smile on his face mirrors hers, and as he comes to stand before her, Emily realizes how big part of herself she actually left behind in D.C and that's now coming back to her, if only for seven short days.

Feeling like that silly girl you always raise your eyebrows at in the movies, at the tears of happiness and passionate kisses, her smile fades a little and instead she looks at him almost timidly. Since when was she even remotely shy in Derek's presence?

"Hey," she says in a low voice, still painfully aware of the sappy moment but maybe it's all the sappy reunions surrounding them that makes her smile even wider.

His eyes crinkle in the corners like the do when he smiles, even the smallest of grins, and she feels a gentle hand grasp her wrist and trail down to her hand. He gives her that look, the look of nothing but warmth, affection and support. It feels like an eternity passes before he finally whispers back, changing so much by a single syllable.

"Hey."

–

THE END!

Author's Note: Yep, I'm actually gonna leave it there. For a number of reasons. Inspiration left me again. I like to hear what you think before an eventual sequel. So, I'd love some feedback on this one. I hope both the bitter and the sweet of that cosmic soup came across in this story and that it felt realistic. I've never done the whole moving-across-the-globe-thing... And. Hopefully I will find inspiration to continue Vertigo soon, since it's on a slightly happier note. Thanks for reading, reviews mean everything.