Diddy and Conker's Reunion

by moviefan-92

Post Donkey Kong 64 and Conker's Bad Fur Day. Diddy learns that his old friend, Conker, has recently gotten his own game for the N64, and he takes Dixie to Conker's island to congratulate him. However, Conker is no longer the nice friendly squirrel he was back in Diddy Kong Racing. The years have had a big change on Conker, and Diddy's about to learn first hand how much. COMPLETE

(A/N: So recently I've gone back and replayed some of my games on the Nintendo 64, including one of my favorites, Conker's Bad Fur Day. And that's where this story came from. Why is it in the Donkey Kong section then, well, you'll see when you read it. The characters do share a universe, originating from Diddy Kong Racing. You'll see what I mean when you read. And remember, the characters are fully aware that they're in video games, they always have been, so don't be surprised if they semi-break the fourth wall. Oh, and just forewarning you, there will be spoilers for various games in here, especially Conker's game.)

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"DIDDY AND CONKER'S REUNION"

"Thanks for the ride, Funky!" Diddy Kong called up to his old friend as he took off in his barrel airplane.

Sticking his arm out the window, Funky waved down at the two kongs down below. "Catch ya later, dude and dudette! Call me on the walkie when you're ready to head back!"

Beside Diddy, Dixie waved goodbye as their ride disappeared into the distance. "It was sure nice of him to give us a ride."

Diddy chuckled at his girlfriend. "He'd actually look for any reason to take to the air. Good thing too, since the other option would have been asking Squawks or Quawks to fly us."

They looked out at the island they had been dropped off on. For the most part, it looked like any other island, but Diddy knew better. He'd been here before, and to another island similar to it when visiting another friend. First appearances could be very deceiving, especially when one saw some of the… wild life. In fact, now that he thought about it, Diddy felt that he, perhaps, should have forewarned his girlfriend of what they might encounter.

"So, hey, Dixie…" he began cautiously as he rubbed the back of his neck, trying to figure out the right way to say what he needed to, "I know that we've seen some strange creatures on our adventures, but, here, you'll find some of the residents to be even… stranger."

Flipping her long ponytail over her shoulder she smiled at him. "That's fine. It's fun to meet new creatures. As long as there are no Kremlings. None loyal to K. Rool anyway."

Diddy bit his bottom lip. "No, I meant things more along the lines of, well, for example… talking wads of cash."

Dixie came to a stop and gave him a bewildered look. "Come again?"

He looked back at her and removed his hat, scratching his head. "Um, you know, talking money. With eyes, and everything. We might also see some evil mutant teddy bears. Or some other things that are alive that shouldn't be, like slices of cheese, or pieces of sweet corn, or piles of hay. You know, things like that. Just thought I'd give you a heads up."

She stared at him, as if trying to determine if he was joking. "You can't be serious."

Shaking his head, he put his hat back on. "No, actually I am. You see, this land is known for having things that are normally inanimate being completely sentient. They're just alive as you or me. Somehow." He remembered when he had gone to visit his bear friend, Banjo. "Just like on Banjo's island, just not as much as there."

"You mean you were serious about that?"

He shrugged. "I don't understand it myself, and just decide not to question it. Trust me, it's easier that way. Just wanted to let you know in advance before you saw anything… um, strange."

Dixie tried to process this. After Diddy's friend, Banjo, one of the Brother's Bears who, after the events of Diddy King Racing, had moved away with his sister, Tooty, Diddy had eventually heard that Banjo and his bird friend, Kazooie, had received two games, and plus a Game Boy Advanced game. Diddy had gone to visit him to congratulate him for his success. He had come back to Donkey Kong Island with crazy stories about sentient objects talking and moving around, as if simply slapping a pair of googly-eyes on something was all it took to create life.

Dixie had thought that he had just been joking, but now he was telling her that what he had seen back on Banjo's island was not only true, but she was now expected to see the same things here?

Well, that certainly made things interesting.

They continued on their way. Just like with Banjo, a squirrel called Conker, one of Diddy's best friends, had helped the kong defeat the evil Wizpig after he took over Timber Island. Now, also like he had with Banjo, Diddy had wanted to personally congratulate his squirrel friend for having obtained his own game, only this time, Dixie had chosen to accompany him; she wasn't about to be left out on another adventure.

Unfortunately, during Diddy's last adventure, she had been stuck babysitting Kiddy Kong while he and the rest of their friends, Donkey, Lanky, Chunky, and even her little sister, Tiny, had gotten to face off against King K. Rool after he stole their hoard of golden bananas and tried to blow up their island. They'd stopped the evil Kremling leader, and he'd ended up getting a beat down from not only them, but from his former subordinate K. Lumsy whom he had mistreated. Hopefully, the ruthless king wouldn't bother them for a while after that.

"So, how long has it been since you've seen your friend again?" she asked.

Diddy tapped his chin. "Hmm, about 4 years now. It's about time he got his own game."

She raised an eyebrow. "I thought he did have one. Conker's Pocket Tales."

Diddy waved this off. "I mean a real game. That was his equivalent of what the Donkey Kong Land games were for us."

Dixie nodded in understanding. "Fair point." She looked down at her nicely fleshed out 3-D design as she recalled how horrible she looked on the old Game Boy games. "I looked horrible in them."

He gave her a smile. "You're always beautiful to me, Dix."

"Aw, you're sweet. But the updated look is definitely better. Do you think your friend will have changed much?"

Diddy shrugged. "Maybe a little. But how different could he be?"

(-)-(-)-(-)-(-)-(-)-(-)-(-)-(-)

Diddy had seen some strange things on Conker's island, and he had expected to see more. But this had not been one of them. His friend, Conker, now a teenager, was sitting on a throne far too big for him with a crown on his head, surrounded by a crowd of strange creatures, including two weasel guards, a rat that was a patchwork of stitches, a gray squirrel wearing strange armor, and sentient items that included a pitchfork, a paint can, a paintbrush, a piece of cheese, and a gear wearing too much makeup.

Dixie was openly staring at the sentient items, no doubt trying to figure out how they were alive despite what Diddy had told her about just accepting what she saw. Diddy's attention, however, was on Conker, who was either doing some strange role playing, or he had been crowned king at the end of his game.

"All hail King Conker!" the pitchfork declared, providing an answer to Diddy's curiosity. "You there, monkeys, bow before the king."

Conker just raised his hand and waved this off. "It's fine, Franky. Diddy here's an old friend." He hiccupped, sounding as if he were drunk. "It's been a few years since we've seen each other. How ya been, buddy?"

Diddy uncomfortably rubbed the back of his neck. "Um, fine. You sure seem to be doing well for yourself. Um, your majesty."

Conker waved his glass around, spilling its contents. "None of that 'your majesty' BS." He motioned to those around his thrown. "I get more than enough of it from these jackasses."

Diddy's mouth dropped open at the language Conker had used. As far as he knew, words like that weren't allowed in E rated games. He hadn't looked into the rating of Conker's game, but had assumed that it had been 'E for Everyone', just like all their games. Since when had Conker talked like that? And was he drunk? Since when did Conker drink?

The armored squirrel next to him looked at Conker. "You deserve the proper respect, your highness, especially after all you did to get your title."

Conker rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever, Rodent. Just, get the hell out of here, all of you. I want to chat with my friend a bit."

"As you wish, your majesty," one of the weasel guards replied before he and the others headed out of the room, leaving Diddy and Dixie alone with Conker.

To put it bluntly, this was not the way Diddy expected his reunion with his friend to go. The game developers must have gone in a different direction with his game to shake things up a bit.

Conker held out his glass. "Care for some scotch?"

Diddy eyed the glass with distaste. "Um, no thanks."

"None for me either," said Dixie, who seemed to be having an even more difficult time wrapping her head around what was happening than Diddy was.

The squirrel shrugged. "Suit yourself," and began gulping down the alcoholic beverage.

Diddy felt the need to ask. "Since when do you drink?"

Conker chuckled in his drunken state. "A lot of things have changed in the 4 years since we've seen each other, pal. I'm not the same little pipsqueak I was in Diddy Kong Racing." He snickered. "Damn, I was such a goody-two-shoes back then."

Diddy winced at the language. "Um, could you be careful how you talk around us. Dixie and I are still E rated."

Conker raised his glass to him. "Well, cheers to you. I was supposed to be a pansy as well, but the game developers decided it was too similar to Rare's other games, so I got retooled, and so, here I am. A violent, perverted, greedy, vulgar, alcoholic, and a total success. I would have been bigger had I not come out so close to the end of the N64's life cycle, but, hey, I supposedly getting a remake for the Xbox where I'll be Live & Reloaded, or some shit like that. There's gonna be a whole redesign of everything to make everything look more realistic rather than the more 3-D animated crap we currently are."

Leaning in, Dixie whispered in Diddy's ear. "I'm feeling a little uncomfortable here."

"Yeah, me too," he whispered back. "We'll leave in a bit."

"Hey!" Conker cried out. "No need to whisper. We're all friends here. You're a hell of a lot better than those douchebags that always follow me around. So, what've you been up to? I heard about Donkey Kong 64."

Diddy shrugged. "Yeah, it was a fun game."

Dixie crossed her arms irritably. "Which I was not in."

That was still a touchy topic for her, so Diddy was quick to change subject. "And then we heard about your game and came to congratulate you. How was it?"

"Different," Conker said simply. "Definitely not what I expected. Especially the ending. They really screwed me over six ways from Sunday. They didn't do that to Banjo though. Yeah, I heard about his game too. Both of them."

Dixie opened her mouth to mention that in addition to Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie, there was also Banjo-Kazooie: Grunty's Revenge, but a look from Diddy silently told her it would be best not to bring it up. And after thinking about the impression she had gotten from Conker so far, that might be best.

"Yeah, they got pretty good reviews," she said instead.

Conker rolled his eyes. "And all without being rude, crude, or violent. Tell me, who was the big bad villain in his games again, and what was their motive?"

Diddy wasn't sure where he was going with this, but he regretted not looking into Conker's game upon hearing about it. "Well, in the first game, it was an incredibly vain witch called Gruntilda who wanted to steal Banjos little sister's good looks, and in the second game it was her again; this time she wanted revenge, and to drain the life from others to restore her degenerated body."

Conker nodded. "Uh, huh. And remind me again, who was your main villain and their motive."

Now Diddy was getting a general idea of where Conker was going with this. "Um, King K. Rool, the evil king of the Kremlings, who enjoys taking on different personas. He keeps trying to steal our hoard of bananas so he can starve us, and in our last game, he actually tried to blow up our island."

Conker was still nodding, albeit in an exaggerated way now. "Both sound villains. Guess who my main villain was. The Panther King from the fairytales I was told as a kid."

A feeling of relief came over Diddy. "Oh, well, that sounds pretty cool."

Dixie was nodding along as well. "Yeah, and evil king from folklore sounds like an awesome villain."

Conker snorted. "Yeah, except I didn't even find out about him until the final battle. But guess what his motivation was."

The two kongs shared a look. "Um…"

"Apparently," Conker interrupted, "one of the legs of his table was broken, so he kept spilling his milk whenever he set it down. So he wanted to use me as a replacement for his table's missing leg because I would fit in place. That was his motivation."

Diddy and Dixie stared, not sure if he was being serious. "Are you kidding?" the former asked.

"Nope!" Conker replied, taking another sip of his drink. "You should have seen my Game Over screens."

"Well…" Dixie muttered, trying to find a silver lining, "I'm sure it was still an epic final battle, even if the motivation was… um… unusual."

Conker shook his head. "Oh no, I didn't even get to fight the Panther King. After building up our final battle throughout the whole game, he died for an Alien parody instead. So the real last boss I faced was a Xenomorph that I had to blackmail the game developers into helping me kill after the game froze. Oh, and get this, neither the Panther King or the Alien spoof boss was the most memorable villain."

Knowing he was walking right into this, Diddy couldn't help but to ask anyway. "Then… who was…?"

A smirk crept up Conker's face. "A giant living pile of shit."

Dixie's face fell in disgust. "You can't be serious."

Conker shook his head. "Nope, I shit you not. The Great Mighty Poo, a big pile of feces who sang opera and threw crap at me. That was my game's most memorable villain. I beat him by throwing toilet paper into his mouth and then flushing him."

Neither Diddy nor Dixie said anything. What exactly did you say to that? It didn't seem like there was anything that could be said, but Diddy tried all the same. "Well, at least things turned out alright in the end. I mean, you are the king of the land."

Conker snorted again. "Oh, yeah, everything is great. I'm the king of the land, I've got all the money in the world, I've got all the booze in the world, I've got a bunch of friends I never asked for or wanted that I, quite frankly, find to be rather annoying, present company excluded, and I've got a whole bunch of subjects ready to cater to my every whim. Yup, my life's going great."

He finished off his drink before sighing deeply. "The thing is, I don't want any of this crap. I never wanted to be king. I just wanted to live a simple life, hanging out with my real friends for fun. Not ruling a kingdom.."

"Um…" Diddy muttered, "then I guess you got more than you bargained for."

"A lot more," said Conker, "and it only cost me Berri."

"Berri?" Diddy repeated. "You mean you're girlfriend?"

"Yes, my girlfriend!" Conker snapped, throwing his empty glass against the wall. "She was killed in the final battle, and didn't have any extra lives. And stupid me was too distracted by the alien to blackmail the game developers into bringing her back to think about it at the time." He began openly weeping. "Berri, come back! I love you! And you had become such a hot piece of ass since you debuted in my Game Boy game! Berri!"

Dixie decided that that should be her and Diddy's cue to leave. She nudged him gently and nodded towards the doors. Diddy gave her a small nod, and they began backing away from the crying squirrel.

"So," said Diddy as he and Dixie backed away, "it, um, was really great seeing you again, Conker. You've probably got a bunch of kingly duties to do. So, uh, I guess we'll catch you later."

"Berri!" Conker wailed, not even realizing that his guests were leaving.

Diddy and Dixie rushed out of the castle, past the strange assortments of Conker's subjects who were waiting in the hall, and out of the castle.

"Diddy, you have some very strange friends," Dixie remarked.

"Yeah, I guess time changes everyone," he muttered uneasily. "Poor guy, he seems so upset over Berri."

"Well, can you blame him? Just imagine if you lost me like that."

Diddy winked at her. "Good thing we always keep enough 1UP balloons." He took off his hat and scratched his head. "Still, there's been talk of remaking Diddy Kong Racing for the Nintendo DS, but I don't know if Conker will be, um, appropriate for our game genre anymore with his new adult themes. The game developers are going to need to get someone to replace him. But who?"

Dixie cleared her throat. "I have an idea of someone."

He looked at her with interest. "Really? Who?"

Her smile became a scowl, and she whipped him with her hair. "Me, you dummy! I should have been in the first one too."

Diddy rubbed his cheek where he was smacked. "Sorry, Dix. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing. After Wizpig kidnapped Timber's parents and took over Timber Island, I had Squawks round up everyone he could. I didn't mean to leave you behind."

She humphed and crossed her arms. "Well, I guess I can forgive you this time. I understand that I can't always join you on your adventures with DK since you two are the real stars of the franchise, but don't make a habit of leaving me behind."

Diddy nodded. "I'll do my best."

"Good call." She frowned as something in the distance caught her eye. "Um, Diddy, didn't Conker say something about his game being remade for the Xbox?"

Diddy raised an eyebrow. "Yeah? He said everything was going to get redesigned and everything. Why?"

Slowly, Dixie pointed to something behind Diddy. He turned to see what could only be described as a wave of graphics flowing over the land. As the wave flowed over everything, the land changed, becoming semi-more realistic and losing a lot of its simple 3-D graphic design.

Diddy's eyes all but popped out of his head. "It's converting!? Right now!? Come on, Dix, we gotta get out of here before we're converted too!"

The two kongs made a run for it. They managed to outpace the conversion wave until they reached a cliff leading out over the ocean. There was nowhere else to go, and Dixie immediately jumped off, spinning around to gently helicopter down into the water. She resurfaced and pushed her hair out of her eyes.

"Diddy, jump before you get converted!" she called up to him.

Diddy hesitated as he looked down at the long drop and the rocks sticking out of the water that Dixie had managed to fly over. Sometimes, he really envied his girlfriend's helicopter ability.

He glanced back at the conversion wave as it closed in on him, and let out a squeak of fright. "I don't want to end up as character for an M rated game!"

He jumped at the last possible second, and splashed into the water, narrowly missing the rocks. Staying low, he swam underwater until he reached where Dixie was. Coming back up, he spit out a mouthful of water, and Dixie sighed when she saw that he hadn't been converted. "Phew, close call."

"Yeah, no kidding," he replied. "From now on, we check when a new game is coming out for characters we visit before we go there."

Dixie nodded in agreement. "Good call. Now call Funky to come pick us up."

"Sure thing."

He pulled out the walkie-talkie he had been given by their fellow kong before he had taken off. But something was different. The graphics for the walkie-talkie were now much more complex, and it now had a pair of googly eyes on top of them.

"Well, what do you want?" the walkie-talkie demanded irritably. "Should I call someone, or are we just going to float around all day?"

Diddy and Dixie both shared a look. The former rolled her eyes and began swimming. "Forget it. I've had enough of this island. I'd rather swim home than wait around for Funky to find us."

Diddy glanced at the now sentient walkie-talkie before tossing it over his shoulder. "Yeah, I'll join you."

They began swimming along, putting distance between them and the island. As they swam along, Diddy suddenly remembered something. "You know, that conversion reminded me, Banjo's next game is meant to be for the Xbox too, and he's also going to get a new design."

Dixie shuddered. "Maybe we should just stay home for that one."

Diddy thought about this, recalling how much Conker had changed, and how they had almost gotten caught up ion the conversion before nodding in agreement. "Good call."

THE END

(A/N: That ending may seem a little out of the blue, but the truth is that when I started writing this, I found that I had no idea how to end it after Diddy and Dixie left Conker's castle, so I ended up going down the route I did. It does make you think though, what is it like for characters who are aware they're in a video game when the games go through changes like that? Well, I hope this gave you a laugh. Now, if you look a little lower, you'll see a button that lets you review. If you would all be so kind. Much thanks.)