Hello! I love the spontainety and randdom tidbits form the rules fanfics. So, I decided to do one of my own, since many lose that quality when too many OCs are added (I'm looking at you KiBoy).
1. Never give the chipmunks caffeine
Theodore:Alvin had one of those little energy drinks and attacked -
Brittany: TMI Theodore! He also went to the vet for poisoning after poison control said they only help humans...
Simon: I could not see straight for several weeks after a half a cup of coffee.
Brittany: Your glasses had the wrong prescription and you barely slept. Go figure.
Simon: I slept fine, thank you. We were just overworked. Sleep cannot fix that.
2. Never use "nerd" or affiliated words unless you are eating the Wonka candy
Eleanor: Especially Alvin or Brittany
Brittany: Why? My sister's the biggest freaking nerd in the world!
Alvin: My brother can beat your sister at geek. Big time
Brittany: Well, my sister can out-dork your brother!
Alvin: I'm pretty sure only some child prodigies can do that.
Brittany: Really? I think you are wrong on that one.
Alvin: Google "people with Iqs over 162"
^half an hour later^
Brittany: Well, let's see. There's some kids from China who can do the level of math and science he knows, but...
Jeanette: ^walks in the room^
Alvin: Girl dork!
Jeanette: ^walks away feeling hurt^
Jeanette: ^cries^
Simon: At least we get a candy named after us. But please don't use the word again. Unless you are telling someone about eating the candy
3. No more new encyclopedias!
Jeanette: Why? They are fun and can help my sisters with homework
Brittany: We can't freaking understand a word in there!
Eleanor: I can only understand part of it. Those are not normal encyclopedias. Trust me, I've seen normal ones before
Simon: They are a great activity to bond over
Alvin: I'm pretty sure he has a ten-volume one just on chemical bonds!
Simon: It is a very fascinating subject
Brittany: But you don't need ten freaking volumes on the topic!
Jeanette: We actually use them in the lab often. They were a great investment
Eleanor: Is 500 dollars on encyclopedias a great investment?
Simon: They were originally close to seven thousand dollars and for commercial use
Alvin: I'm going to throw one at you, while we are on a freaking commercial!
Simon: That is not what I meant
^several days later^
Jeanette: We just got these! They are so great
Simon: We got some on Craigslist. The rest were at the estate sale of a graduate professor
Alvin: Is there a website called ?
Brittany: We told you not to get more!
Jeanette: You told us to not get new encyclopedias...
Simon: ...so we got used ones instead!
Brittany: That is not what I meant!
4. Feel free to snoop in the cabinents at night
Alvin: Theodore and Eleanor are not allowed to have late-night snacks
Simon: For once in my life, I actually agree with him
Eleanor: But we get woken up, because we are so hungry!
Brittany: Lemme guess, Theodore is going to try the puppy eyes again?
Eleanor: No, he's getting a snack right now
Brittany: Since in any way does anything you two eat outside of meals count as a snack?
Eleanor: Well, since it is outside of a meal, it is a snack
Brittany: Since when does eating two large bags of chips count as a snack size?
Eleanor: Since most humans eat a whole bag for a snack, it is fair
Theodore: ^comes back in area^ Toby has done it!
Brittany: But you are like five feet shorter than him,and you two are already overweight
Simon: I really only enforce this rule because I'm in charge of the weekly budget
Alvin: Those two ate the last bag of the tzatziki* Lays!
Brittany: I think they ate all but one bag out of what we bought. And Toby ate half of that
Simon: Why not make tzatziki and put it on your chips?
Brittany: Because they eat all of the chips
Jeanette: What about the cucumber and strained youghurt?
Brittany: The only thing they left was the yoghurt
Simon: And this is why Dave makes me check the budget several times a day, every day
5. Seal all of the cracks in the wall
Simon: Why?
Brittany: We use them to travel around the house. Why would someone do that?
Eleanor: Probably since he doesn't like our friends
Theodore: ...or when they come over
Alvin: So got the message that the wall was closed.
Jeanette: Let alpha rat know. He lives in the dumpster near the In-and-out on Pine Street
Toby: Exactly why Dave made this rule. They invite literal rats over that literally eat garbage. And they're actually the best guests. You should see what those voles did to my gaming systems. I had replace my X-box four freaking times this month! Four!
Simon: Ummm...Toby? The shrews and voles are much cleaner than you. And they live in a heavy-defecation route. The guinea pigs have better breath despite eating their own cecal poops every seven minutes**
Alvin: Your room smells much worse than a fast food dumpster
6. Toby must bathe and change his clothes at least once a week
Alvin: Wow, this is the second rule I've liked!
Brittany: Agreed!
Jeanette: So, our rule breakers like one-third of our rules
Simon: If the rule is not more restrictive, he may have to bathe in tomato juice while in a vinegar solution
Theodore: He's smellier than that one mean skunk Alvin dated
Alvin: Stop telling people that I dated a skunk!
Theodore: But you dated at least five of them. No, I think five were black-and-white...
Alvin: Just stop it!
Theodore: Do you want me to tell about how you dated a garden snake?
Alvin: No Theodore! No!
Simon: ^wearing an apparatus for a functional gas mask while waving the UN flag^Hey, Toby! Urban China called. It wants its smell record back! And its smog one, for the record. Your room's smog can beat New Delhi's-
Toby: Enough. I get it! I'll take a shower!
Simon: You also broke the Geneva convention of 1922, which, by the way, was not signed by Germany at the time, or your great-grandfathers!
Alvin: Who cares about international treaties anyway?
Simon: Everyone. Especially since the president broke two within a month in office. I suspect Toby will be the US' newest bioweaponry
7. Never tell Simon and Jeanette they need to learn more about something
Alvin: Rule number three will be broken
Brittany: And my sanity! Jeanette gave me a three-hour lecture about the diffrence between fish and lizard scales after I did this. And that was the short version!
Alvin: That's not too bad. I simply asked 'why is the sky blue'. He taked about it for forty-eight frickin' hours. And he wasn't even finished yet!
8. Alvin can never leave the house alone
Alvin: Why?
Simon: I cannot even trust you in the house with others. Nobody wanted to see my prototype for the 'jerk' cage
Alvin: What's that?
Simon: Never mind. I was planning on using a microchip connected a 2D viewer
Alvin: What?
Simon: It even offers a variety of deterrents, including those that do not need to be installed in you
Alvin: So a shock-collar. I hope it comes in red
9. If you are planning on a movie night, make a lot of popcorn. And by a lot, we mean rent a commercial air popper
Eleanor: But it tastes so good
Brittany: Do you ever feel full? Just a question, because all you can talk about is food
Eleanor: I talk about other stuff like...
Brittany: Cooking counts
Eleanor: Never mind then...
Alvin: Theodore, can you please stop eating the popcorn?
Theodore: It tastes good. And I'm still hungry
Alvin: When are you not hungry?
Theodore: What are you talking about?
Alvin: Okay..this is awkward. How can you eat that entire bowl by yourself (points to 2 gallon mixing bowl)...?
Jeanette: And I thought Eleanor ate a lot. Theodore kept filling his bowl every ten minutes, but Eleanor waited twice that to refill the same sized bowl
10. Do not try to make a cheezy pun by saying "squeak dreams" to the chipmunks
Dave: I thought it would be cute, but they actually squeak, which actually is slightly higher than their singing voices, which sounds impossible, but is not
Alvin: Dave!
Dave: They kept squeaking all night. They thought it meant "squeak all night so Dave can have peaceful dreams"
Theodore: I thought that "sweet dreams" meant going to sleep while eating candy
Dave: That explains the candy wrappers around your and Eleanor's beds...
Eleanor: So we thought that squeak dreams meant falling asleep while squeaking
Dave: I was only able to hear some of you, but for some reason I could not hear Jeanette or Theodore
Simon: It seems difficult for humans to hear them even talk, but Jeanette is within the same octave as her sisters, therefore she must have gone to sleep quickly. But...now that you think about it I heard Theodore all night because he could not sleep. It might just be human hearing Dave
Dave: What do you mean?
Simon: Accounting for how high-frequency his talking voice is, around one and a half times the girls'...the fans couldn't hear him when he did that solo once. It might be possible that his squeaking is supersonic to you, and sometimes his singing when he's nervous or hit a high note, which I do not recommend to do for your sake because not only is it a great way to make anyone's ears bleed, but it also breaks all of the windows, even safety glass. Come to think of it, I am likely the only one who cannot break glass while talking.
Dave: So that's what happened to my porcelain dishes.
*Tzatziki sauce is a savory Greek sauce which is made with cucumber, yoghurt (the Greek kind, duh!) and herbs. The pronuncuation is right in the spelling. It is not "taziki"! (pronunciation rant as a third-generation Greek-American)
**Yes, guinea pigs eat their own poop every seven minutes, or 200 in a day. I know that because I have one waiting for a companion. These cecal poops are unlike regular poops in that they are basically multivitamins. The guinea pig eats these poops to redigest certain nutrients that did not get absorbed. Not only is id healthy and natural, it is also necessary for his or her health. If you were curious about the regular poop count...go look on