We really hope you like it, sorry if you don't! If you have a minute, please let us know what you think! Thank you and Merry Christmas!
Katyushha and IheartOakenshield193712 ;)
Dwalin: Merry Christmas, Thorin, where are my cookies? Dinner ready?
Thorin: Oh... B-Bilbo is in charge of that and I ... misplaced the cookies.
Dwalin: Be honest with me, did you EAT MY cookies? 'Cause my Uzbad or not - I'm going to show you some of Dwalin's wrath.
Thorin: *raises hands innocently* Now listen, friend, I'm sure they're here somewhere. I didn't eat them... but you know hobbits and their hunger…
Bilbo: Don't you bring me into this!
Dwalin: The hobbit would never eat my cookies, you liar! *whining and crashing onto the floor pitifully* He knows how I love them... Bilbo! You know what Thorin did... ?
Balin: Who ate my brother's cookies? He's going to be avenged!
Bilbo: Thorin, just tell him what happened. I'm getting dwarf spit on the food…
Dwalin: Thorin if you don't give my cookies to me I'll stop helping you with your "Thranduil-problem" from now on... And I'm serious!
Thorin: *rubs neck nervously* About Thranduil... Uh... Fili and Kili... uh... got into their home and-
Bilbo: I can see that you're lying…
Dwalin: Yes! Tell him and don't bring Fili and Kili into this, you broke Thranduil's fountain having a bath there!
Thorin: *whispering* He'll box me! It was a bloody dare! Don't be jealous that you didn't get to bathe in it!
Bilbo: You were having a bath where? In Mirkwood?!
Bilbo: Naked?
Bilbo: In Thranduil's realm?!* nervous tic starting*
Thorin: A small bath... Naked... Thinking of you ghivashel!
Bilbo: Don't you think your pretty dwarvish words will help you, my precious!
Balin to Dwalin: Maybe we should take the food and quickly get out of here while we still can?
Dwalin: You take it. I want my cookies.
Thorin: Bilbo. Dwalin. I can explain…
Bilbo: Run... run, Thorin.
Dwalin: Yeah, run... run to the shop and bring me some cookies.
Thorin: *looks between the hobbit and Dwalin* I gotta go! *dashes out the front door*
…
Bilbo after a short pause: Hahaaaaa, did you see his face?! Terrific! Best Christmas ever! Dwalin come on in - here are your cookies.
*Thorin is still running and not looking back once*
IheartOakenshield193712: You so did not just make Thorin run away! Bilbo had the cookies?!
Katyushha: Yeah I just soooo did. He'll come back when he's not that frightened, won't he?
Fili and Kili: Fili and Kili, at your service! Where's uncle Thorin?
Bilbo: I haven't the faintest idea.
Kili: I actually brought him a gift from Mirkwood…
Fili: Yeah, Thranduil's naughty calendar...
Kili: Well, Fili, what could I do? Tauriel asked me, I couldn't possibly say no to her!
Dwalin: I'm going to leave before my cookies get elf on them…
Bilbo: That's good then that Thorin's out. Come on boys burn it here and now.
Fili: Oh but Uncle Bilbo... You haven't seen the best part. Uncle is in it!
Bilbo: ... WHAT? Don't tell me it was all true and he did have a bath there?!
Fili and Kili: Oh yes! Thrandy told us he caught Uncle in the bath and asked one of his servants to quickly paint him! *both jumping up and down*
Bilbo: You call him Thrandy?! Kili, what exactly are your relationships with the Elf family? Fili, did you find yourself an elf maid too?
Kili: I call him Thrandy because he asked me to. And Taury is just sooo pretty-
Fili: *whacks Kili's head* I call him Thrandy behind his back because I wasn't asked. Apparently, he likes brunettes. There can be only one blond.
Fili: And no, Uncle Bilbo. I prefer humans.
Katyushha: *with a silly hopeful grin* oh Fili really?!
IheartOakenshield193712: Coincidence.
Fili: Yes. You single?
Katyushha: Yeah, I actually am, are you into blondes or brunettes? *winking flirtatiously*
Fili: I don't know. Brunettes possibly…
Kili: But I was talking about Tauriel here... so... she's sooooooo...
Fili: So elfy…
Katyushha: Kili! Don't ruin my possible date! So Fili… I'm a brunette…
Fili: *winks* Lovely-
Thorin: *pants as he stands in the doorway* Am I going to get punished for eating the cookies? *stares nervously at Bilbo*
Bilbo: *looking through the calendar* It's almost all about you... Thorin? Naked... oh Mahal...
Kili: Tauriel, Tauriel, Tuarieeeellll...
Katyushha: Shhh… Meet me outside Fili and take your brother with you.
Thorin: What?! Naked? When?!
Fili: Okay cuz I ain't staying here to see naked paintings of Uncle. Come on Kee!
Kili: But Taury!
Katyushha: Thorin's adorable ;)
IheartOakenshield193712: Yeah I know!
Fili to Kili: Taury is waiting outside let's go!
Bilbo: Thorin, you'd better start explaining…
Kili: *scrambles to the door*
Thorin: *looks at calendar and cringes* I was... bathing...?
Kili from outside: Fili you said Taury would be here!
Bilbo: Don't you have a bathroom in Erebor?!
Fili from outside: Sorry mate in this story I have a girlfriend and you don't.
Kili: *puppy dog face*
Thorin: I wasn't in Erebor! ... At the time... It's a two day trip... And... *gulps*
Bilbo: DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME YOU COULDN'T WAIT TWO DAYS! You were alright without a bath for months!
Katyushha from outside: Come Kili I can give you a hug.
Thorin: *in dream state* it looked so inviting... And if I woulda known he had spies, I would have waited!
Kili (still outside): *hugs* Ooh, I like her…
Bilbo: I would even understand if it was Elrond's fountain... but Thranduil's?! Thorin you know how jealous I can get and we both know he FANCIES you!
Fili (outside): *frowning*
Thorin: He did say I had a very fine bum...
Kili (outside): *smiles innocently*
Bilbo: Then... Thorin... You can take your things and go to Mirkwood for all I care * leaving the room going to the pantry for comfort eating*
Fili (outside): Kili.
Dwalin: *finishing his cookies*
Thorin: *opens mouth and closes it*
Kili (outside): What? You wanted me out here? You promised me Taury! What is a lad to do?
Dwalin: So how much did I miss?
Thorin: Bilbo!
Bilbo: Go away you ridiculous tree-loving dwarf!
Balin: Not much, brother, eat!
Fili (outside): Kiliiii...
Katyushha: Let's set the record straight boys, I... like...
Thorin: *reaches out and tries to take the pound cake from Bilbo's hands* You know that's not true. I love you and only you.
Kili (outside): *puppy eyes*
Fili (well… still outside as well, as he's standing next to Kili): * famous grin*
Katyushha: Anyone going to bet money on it?
Bilbo: Give. Me. My. CAKE!
Dwalin: Give ME this cake!
Thorin: Bilbo, love. Listen to me-
Balin: *tosses cake at Dwalin* Does anyone want to listen to the story of the battle of Azanulbizar?
Bilbo: You know what Thorin?! I'll find myself another dwarf !
Ori: *appears out of nowhere* Ooh Mister Dwalin. What an animal!
Thorin: *looks heartbroken*
Fili and Kili: *sparring in the snow*
Bilbo: What's that look about? Don't wanna go to your tree-hugger?!
Dwalin: Ooooori, wonderful! Would you like to... um... read with me?
Thorin: Bilbo, you're my One. I don't love *him*. I love you and eating isn't going to make things better-
Ori: Sure, Mister Dwalin *blushes*
Balin: I can read for you both about the battle of Azanulbizar!
Dwalin: No.
Fili: *with a bleeding nose*
Kili: *with a black eye*
Bilbo: Be honest then, Thorin, did you... did you sleep with the elf king?
Thorin: No, I would never. You know I like to be the dominant one.
Fili: There I think that settled it. M'lady?
Katyushha: Boys that was hot! Yeah, Fili I'm all yours, come here let's kiss!
Kili: Eww!
Fili and Katyushha: What?
Kili: Nothing!
Bilbo: Well, that's a relief... Did you kiss him? Did he? Was there anything apart from this ridiculous calendar?
Thorin: He tried to come onto me but... I showed him my wedding runes on my skin and my ring. I also told him that if he did that I would stop trading and give them Kili.
Bilbo: You would give them KILI?!
Kili: Can't I just take Taury to Erebor?!
Thorin: Have you heard the boy? Practically begging to be with that elf…
Bilbo: You can't give him to that nasty elf! Let's take the girl instead. Kili is a prince, you can't just give him away!
Thorin: Maybe... I'd have to think and set a deal…
Thorin to Kili: Date with her for a couple of decades at first and we'll see.
Kili: Okay!
Bilbo: Anyway Thorin. One more calendar and you're out of Bag End forever!
Thorin: Yes ghivashel. But if I make a personal calendar just for you, would I still be kicked out?
Fili: Uncle I want to marry too!
Thorin to Fili: No more ELVES!
Bilbo: Well if it's MY bathroom then it's okay... I think…Well, alright, you're... forgiven Thorin.
Thorin: *grins like an idiot and lifts Bilbo off the ground and kisses him*
Fili: But she's not an elf!
Thorin: Fili! No orcs either!
Fili: She's human!
Thorin: Mahal! Why are you so into tall women, Fili?!
Fili: Why aren't you?
Thorin: I like small hairy hobbits, son!
Thorin: But okay Fili you can do it!
Bilbo: Aww, I love you.
Kili: Then why do I have to wait for two decades?!
Thorin: Because she's an elf!
Kili: Yeah right...
Katyushha: Ohhhh was that a proposal Fili?
Ori: Mister Dwalin, do you want to read a romantic story about us from funfiction?
Dwalin: I'd rather start my own romantic fan fiction with you... right now... in one of the spare bedrooms.
Bilbo: Don't you dare!
Thorin: Those rooms are reserved for us!
Kili: Stop all this kissing and romance and hugging and fan...fanfict-ing here everyone! I'm so aloooone...
Balin: Kili I can tell you a story...
Everyone else: NO!
Kili: Not the battle! *holding his ears*
Tauriel (from the doorstep): Anyone see one handsome dwarf with a dazzling smile?
Thorin: Elves...
Kili: *faints*
Thorin: My hobbit!
Fili: My woman!
Katyushha: I didn't understand that, could you please explain? Are they afraid of her or what?
IheartOakenshield193712: I don't know. Thorin and Fili are protective.
Katyushha: Aah, I see.
Tauriel: Okay calm down everyone, no need to panic! I'm just taking Kili and going!
Thorin: *hugs Bilbo and shoos Kili out* Have fun!
Fili: *closes the green door*
Katyushha: So… Everyone happy now? No more misunderstandings?
Bilbo: I don't think so but I can't breathe! *smothered by dwoob*
Katyushha: Dwoob?
IheartOakenshield193712: Dwarf boob.
Katyushha: Ohh...
Fili: Uncle, help!
Thorin: What? Did Dwalin and Ori go into the bedroom!?
Fili: Yes! And if you could only see what they did to the bathroom...
Bilbo and Thorin: WHAT?!
Thorin: I don't want to look…
Bilbo: It's bad enough I have to clean after us…
Katyushha: I'm alright with the kitchen table Fili come back!
Fili: Oh my ears!
Katyushha: Well we can wait till the wedding of course...
IheartOakenshield193712: What are you talking about?
Thorin: Dwalin, get out of the bedroom and go start cleaning!
Katyushha: No sex till the wedding!
IheartOakenshield193712: Oh!
Kili (from the outside): What? And for me too? TWO DECADES!
Taury: What they don't know won't hurt them…
Katyushha: Maybe I should change my mind and choose Kili then, huh, Fili?
Ori *coming out of the bedroom on trembling legs*: , you clean alone, I'm going to eat and sleep!
Fili: No! No! Kili likes ginger!
Balin: oh my Lord…
Thorin and Bilbo: *sneak out of the room and go to the bedroom*
Katyushha: Oh what a woman can do to try and make a man like her... But don't you worry my love, you're the one I want!
Fili: I got two dwarves here and two that just escaped and possibly Dori coming in and Kili outside and... Oh who am I kidding! With uncle and Bilbo in the room, let's take one of the spares...
Katyushha: *in the voice of John Watson*: oh God yes!
*doors close*