(Some words/sentences are italicized/bolded to express emphasis. Although, most italicized words/sentences serves as Lightning's thoughts (It's Lightning's thoughts at the moment because this is her chapter). The bolded and at the same time italicized gives a definite emphasis of strong definition or emotion.)
Lightning's agony: Don't look at me
Clash. Bang. Thug. Swing .These noises are heard in the woods; they echo through nowhere. Claire "Lightning" Farron was sparring with some wooden dummies with seriousness in her eyes. Those eyes are not the usual eyes of the soldier, they have something in it. Rage. There's something in her mind, a smiling young Farron with rose pink hair. Serah. She growled as that image flash through her mind. Why am I like this? So affected. Another image popped out from her head, it's Serah holding Snow's arm happily. She knew damn well that Serah is her sister; Lightning loved her… but something more. Images flashes through a thousand milliseconds, Serah being happy with Snow, saying his name lovingly, and Serah cannot be on her side any more. She cannot be his! This is unacceptable! She kept on slashing with all her rage. She was supposed to be mine! With that sentence in her mind, she slashed all the dummies without such effort into pieces. That image, that young girl that she's been thinking for almost every day, is the thing that made her like this. Ever since Snow was introduced to her, Lightning cannot rest. Lightning loved Serah more than anyone could think. The soldier girl got from her knees and gripped her firm fist on her gunblade's handle. I'm so fucked up.
Storm clouds marched over the sky above her. Tears from the sky fell on the strawberry-blonde as if they are comforting her. The cold water scatters over her muscular body. Great, even a dramatic weather weeps for me, gods pity me. Growling thunders streak across the sky. Is this how pathetic I am? A cold soldier girl who fell in love with her own sister. She got up from her knees and walked under the weeping horizon to go home, where she will choke her neck again upon seeing her beloved sister. Whenever she saw Serah, her heart wouldn't beat for her no more; her heart is suffocating upon her pain. I can't go on like this. She tried to forget and be happy for the two engaged couple, but her heart does not obey. Lightning, you're a soldier! Get a grip! Both of you are girls and most of all, she is your sister! She continues to walk under the storm as she felt her clothes go heavy from absorbing rainwater that her body is catching. But there is a voice from the back of her head that mocks her, you're not strong, she is the death of you, you are jealous. She growled at herself as her own mind mocks her. That's because you love her.
Weak. Coward. Insecure. Her mind continues to mock her as she marched on the wet grassy forest floor. I am not weak! She argued with herself. Lightning thought she's going crazy because she's arguing with her damned self. If you're not weak, why don't you tell her, soldier? Her ice blue eyes shot open at the statement that her mocking mind suggested to her. It is never easy to tell anyone you love what you feel, especially if that someone loves another one and not you. Tears started falling from the soldiers cheeks. Tomorrow is Serah's wedding day. It's over. If Lightning can't stand looking at her sister right now, what if it's Serah in her wedding dress, ready to be wed by Snow? It kills me to see her in her wedding dress.
She fell on the wet dirt and welcomes the rain to shower her body. Serah's face is in Lightning's mind again. She can't stop mourning over herself, her heart. She doesn't know, it is okay, Serah doesn't know. Lightning's bloodshot ice blue eyes stopped blinking for a long moment; Serah's smiling on her mind. I'm afraid for her to notice my feelings for her, I'm afraid to see her face in disgust, I'm afraid for us to fall apart. She lay on her back, her spine against the wet and dirty ground. She faced herself towards the crying clouds; her crying eyes are also being poured by the tears from the heavens. I don't want us to fall apart.
The soldier girl continues to weep as the storm rages. I want to die right now. For all the years, Lightning never cried, not even a single tear. But, Serah is the only one who made her cry on her knees. She continues to sob against her teeth, trying to fight herself with all this agonizing emotions. But she can't. Why don't you go away in my mind? Somebody kill me! Please! She growled as she sobbed against her breath, unable to handle herself anymore. All I want is her to be happy, but … why can't I be happy for her?! Why?! She screamed in her mind. She can feel her sanity slipping away from her. You stupid Snow! Why did Serah picked you? Why did she choose you? Why did she choose an idiot like you to take her away from me?! She covered her face full of agony with her hands as she lay there, under the storm, in nowhere, lost in emotions, and helpless.
Those damned images flashes in her mind again. Lightning sat up and cover her face with both battered but firm hands. She's shaking like a lost puppy under the rain as she pressed her firm hands on her weeping bloodshot eyes, hurting herself to wake up.
"Stop! Shut up!", the tough soldier screamed as she continues to hurt herself. "Shut up!"
Birds flew away, alerted by Lightning's screams. Am I this hopeless? Am I this pathetic, really? Am I this disgusting? She relaxed herself for a bit but still the tears from her eyes won't halt. Let go! Let go of her, damnit! She is not yours to keep! You are her sister; your only duty is to protect her!
"Claire?", a soft voice was heard by the soldier from nearby. The strawberry blonde looked up with fear. No, that can't be her! She can't see me like this! But alas, it is her. It's Serah. Her sister was there under the shade of an umbrella, her mouth wide open. She never saw her big sister like this, ever. The young Farron saw Lightning's bloodshot eyes, and that just pulled the trigger.
"Claire!", Serah rushed towards her big sister with concern and worry, letting her umbrella to fall to the ground and ignored it. She gathered Lightning in her arms but the soldier brushed her off. The young girl's face got confused and tried her best to look at Lightning straight in the eye. Don't look at me.
Lightning's eyes. Her eyes' veins are almost going to explode. "Claire, what's wrong?", Serah forced her sister to look at her. Her face shows pain upon her sister's current situation. Lightning sniffed and tried to compose herself, but it's too late. Serah, don't look at me.
"You got me so worried! What happened?", Serah checked on her. "Are you hurt? Did someone attack you?"
Lightning gulped and sat up. Will I tell her now? It's not that easy! She growled at herself on how ridiculous she looked right now. To all people, Serah saw her broke down. She shuts down in front of the one she loved the most. But I can't keep running. She has to know.
The young Farron waited anxiously for Lightning to act or reply to all of her questions. She has to know. Lightning sighed sadly trying to gather all of her courage. Serah shifted herself and looked at Lightning straight in the eye. Don't look at how ridiculous I look, Serah! Lightning felt like she's gonna cry again because of the way Serah is looking at her and about her current situation. Serah.
Then finally, Lightning turned her head to face the girl, "Serah, did you ever feel that you are dying inside?", the soldier tried so hard to sound calm like her usual self. Her young sister frowned at Lightning's question.
Serah cupped Lightning's face, "Who just inflicted you, Claire? Tell me!", she demanded. "Who?!"
The soldier gulped and felt something like flame is blazing through her swelling eyes. I cannot run any further. "Who you asked?", Lightning pulled herself away from Serah's touch, "It's you, Serah", her voice cracked. I can't take those pathetic words back. I can't turn away. I can't go back. She's going to hate me; this is how it will end anyways, she'll hate and leave me.
The girl frowned more, her face showed total confusion, "Me?", she repeated. Serah came closer to her frail sister.
I can't handle this no more. She inhaled with all of the courage she have left, more courage than to kill a man, "Serah, I don't want to see your face to show disgust, but I'm afraid that you will", the soldier spoke with such boldness. Serah is completely surprised, well; anyone would be surprised if you are Serah either. The young Farron is being drowned in confusion; Lightning's sudden strong emotion, she saw her crying for the first time, and her surprising questions. No more.
"That I love you", Lightning finally confessed as a tear fell down on her face,"No, I love you more than a sister", she corrected herself. The soldier blushed as she saw her sister's face turned into crimson by itself. There, I said it. I should die right now, I deserve it.
Serah's jaw dropped. She can't believe what she's hearing. Her big sister, her own blood and flesh, crying over her because she has hidden feelings for little sister. "I know damn well that you are my own sister and we're both girls", Lightning stood up and slowly backing away a bit. "But I can't handle it, I just love you too much, and I know what you think right now of me"
The girl sat frozen but never left her sapphire eyes off of her older sister who's crying silently in front of her. The rain is pouring over the two unfortunate souls below, soaking every bit of them, tears from the horizon mixing with Lightning's.
"Claire", Serah managed to breathe out. She tried to reach out for Lightning but the woman growled at her to stay away. "Don't touch me, Serah! Don't soil your fingers just because of me!", the strawberry blonde roared as tears mercilessly pour down from her beautiful face. "Don't look at how miserable I am!"
"I'm so immoral aren't I? Falling in love with my own sister and being affected by her wedding day", Lightning mocked herself. I deserve to be a shit.
Thunder roars from the sky, as if it was Lightning speaking above also. Serah stood up, she felt her clothes gone heavy because of the rain. With those innocent eyes, Lightning can see that she was hurt too. Great, I knew I should've not told her now that she's hurt also!
Lightning knew that this is so wrong. But Serah has to know. She knows now. I can't lie to her. "Don't you say that, Claire!", Lightning's eyes gone wide when she heard her sister yelled this.
The soldier cleared her throat, "I'm so sorry, Serah", she apologized. "I can't be with you tomorrow at your wedding day"
As if in cue, a loud thunder roared after Lightning told her little sister that statement. Serah was never been in pain. Her own sister won't come to her wedding day. "Why, Claire?", the young girl asked with tears also coming down her face.
Lightning looked at her with pain and sincerity. Her bloodshot ice blue eyes looked directly into her, "Cause it kills me to see you in that wedding dress", she spoke quietly. "I'm pathetic"
"Claire, don't say that you're pathetic", Serah growled on how much she objects on what Lightning is describing herself, "Claire, please don't say that, let's go home", she pleaded.
"I can't go home, I die every time I'm home alone with you", Lightning stepped back, "And I've died a thousand times.", she then took another step back.
"Claire, please! Stop!", the younger Farron pleaded once more. I've died a thousand times, and this time, I'll make it permanent.
"I'm sorry", the soldier turned her back, ready to run away, "I don't want to ruin your life with your loved one", she forced to flash a smile at Serah before dashing away into nowhere.
"Claire!", Serah's scream echoed through the woods.
Lightning ran faster. Faster. Faster, damnit! The more she'll run very fast, the faster she'll get away from her. But one thing for sure, she can get away from Serah just in distance, but Serah's stuck in her mind and heart.
The storm hasn't stopped yet and it haven't even ceased. Winds are gushing against Lightning's brave crying face. Her strawberry blonde hair striking her bloodshot eyes. Please be happy, Serah. Please be happy so you can forget me. And also forget how miserable I look.
Lightning never thought that she, one of the toughest soldiers and leaders and the one who saved the world, would crumple in front of the one she loved.
She continues to run away while crying her eyes out through the storm. I don't care whatever they will say if I'm crazy or stupid. I care about Serah. I don't want to ruin her life.
~Author's turn~ (Let's destroy the fourth wall)
Dear reader, did this chapter made you cry? Oh, I did also cry. Poor brave Lightning, even the coldest of hearts can break, because whatever we do to the coldest of hearts, it is still a heart, it still beats and it can still feel. Lightning never wanted to be hurt; she doesn't want to hurt her beloved sister either. She does know that falling in love with her own sister, own her blood and flesh, is very wrong. But love never stops from any barrier. It kills her to see her beloved happy into another, and it also hurts when the one she loves doesn't know what she felt for her.
Dear reader, you don't know what it feels like to be broken while everyone looked at you as the coldest and heartless. Everyone has a weakness. And that kryptonite will make you do anything for you to escape away from it. But even how many times you run away from that weakness of yours, it will still and it will always will be your weakness.
~I don't own the characters of Final Fantasy 13...they all belong to Square Enix and the story is completely fictional.~
-Based on the song "Wedding dress" cover by Kevin Lein.