Is This Our Farewell?

A/N: This story sets off directly after the "Blaze of Glory" in Season 2, so directly after the producers of the O.C. made their first huge mistake by getting rid of Alex...(The second major mistake was killing Marissa, of course). Back to topic: Are Alex and Marissa over for good? Or do they get another chance to fix their relationship? Marissa struggles with her feelings and has to find out what she really wants.

1

The flames grew higher and higher, slowly engulfing the Trojan horse. And so something that had been built up so carefully was destroyed so fast by setting just a little flame to it.

As Marissa stared into the brightness of the fire she felt her eyes beginning to water, though this had nothing to do with the blinding light. Is that all that remains? Tears in the eyes of the ones left behind?

Marissa still couldn't quite believe what had just happened. Her relationship with Alex was over. Done. She was alone again. Marissa shivered and wrapped her arms around herself.

She didn't know how long she stood there, staring into the flames, not hearing all the harbour students laugh and sing around her.

"Hey… You ready to go?"

Marissa felt a hand on her shoulder and turned her head. Ryan was looking at her with a slightly lost, but also compassionate expression. It took Marissa a few moments until she was able to fully take in her surroundings again.

"Yeah… Let's go."

She threw on last look back to the fire. There was hardly anything left of the wooden horse now. Damaged beyond repair. Over for good.

Marissa turned away, sighing deeply, and followed Ryan to the parking lot. She felt that her face was wet from tears but she didn't bother wiping them away as she got into Ryan's car.

It was only after she had sat down in the front passengers seat that she realised her own car was parked here as well.

"Ryan, I totally forgot… I'm here with my car. I have to drive home myself, but thanks anyways-…"

"No, don't worry bout it. We got it all figured out, remember? You gave Seth and Summer your keys… they'll drive your car to your house later. I'll get you home now."

Marissa wanted to debate, but then changed her mind. She wasn't really in the condition for driving right now.

"Thanks", she muttered, fastening her seat belt.

Ryan started the car and drove off the parking lot. After a few moments of silence he eyed Marissa nervously.

"So, err, do you want me to drop you off at the mansion? That's probably the best place for you to find some privacy right now, huh?"

Back to the mansion… back home Marissa felt suddenly weak at the thought that the little apartment in the numbered streets was no longer her home. But it was so much more of a home to me than the mansion will ever be.

"I don't think I'm ready to face my mother right now…", Marissa said quietly, "I don't want to see her triumphant look."

Ryan nodded his head but remained silent for a moment, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel.

"How about we drive to the Cohen's? I'm sure they wouldn't mind you staying in the guest room tonight." Marissa nodded her head gratefully and then leaned back, closing her eyes. She was getting more exhausted every second and didn't even register Ryan calling Seth to tell him where to bring her car to.

When they arrived at the Cohen's house some minutes later, Ryan lead the way to the door. Marissa lingered behind.

"Are you sure it's OK with Sandy and Kirsten? I don't want to intrude…"

Ryan turned to Marissa and gave her a look clearly saying Are you crazy? Of course they'll let you stay. Then he opened the door and held it open for Marissa, who couldn't help but smile slightly.

They went into the kitchen to find Sandy and Kirsten fixing themselves a bed-time snack.

"Hey!", Ryan called to them.

"Hi Ryan…", Kirsten said, looking up from the peach she was just cutting, "Oh…and hey Marissa! I haven't seen you in a while!"

"Hi Kirsten, hi Sandy."

Sandy laid down his knife and took a few steps towards Ryan and Marissa.

"Marissa. Are you OK, kid? Did something happen?"

Marissa looked down at her feet, trying to pull herself together.

"She just got out of a relationship", Ryan explained, wanting to help her but not to say too much, as he didn't know how much she wanted Sandy and Kirsten to know.

"Oh dear…", Kirsten said softly, laying on hand on Marissa's arm.

"Yeah… Alex and I broke up", Marissa said suppressing a sob and looking up to face Kirsten, "We lived together… I can't go there now. But I can't go 'home' either. I don't want to face my mom."

"Oh sweetie", Kirsten said, taking the girl's hand in hers, "You can stay here, of course. The guest room upstairs, next to Seth's room, is all yours."

Marissa looked to Sandy, who nodded reassuringly, then to Ryan, whose smile was saying I told you so, and back to Kirsten.

"Thank you. So much", she said suddenly feeling extremely exhausted again. "I'll just go, lay down then…"

"Sleep well, honey. If you need anything let us now", Sandy said.

"Thanks."

Just when Marissa was about to leave the room, Summer and Seth entered.

"Hey baby, you OK?", Summer said pulling Marissa into a hug.

"I will be, I guess", Marissa mumbled into Summer's shoulder.

"Do you wanna talk?"

"Thanks Sum, but I think I'll just get some sleep now. Maybe tomorrow."

"Yeah, sure. Just call me when you want to talk, okay?"

Marissa broke the embrace, mumbled another 'thanks' and headed upstairs to the guest room.

There was a few moments of silence in the kitchen, before Seth cleared his throat.

"So… that was that, I guess."

Kirsten looked at the teenagers questioningly.

"Marissa said she and Alex broke up… Which Alex?? Not yours, Seth?"

The three looked at each other, not quite knowing what to say. Sandy and Kirsten exchanged surprised looks.

"I mean, I knew Marissa dated a girl and even moved in with her, right? Julie told me. But I didn't know it was Alex!", Kristen exclaimed.

"Yeah… Imagine our reactions when we found out", Seth said, his voice becoming dreamy, "Our exes dating each other… man that's just so– Ouch!" Summer shot him an evil glance, an unspoken threat of smacking him again in her eyes.

"Well, do you guys know what happened? Marissa seemed really down… Did Alex dump her?", Sandy asked.

"None of us really talked to her about it yet", Ryan said shrugging his shoulders.

"Yeah, but I can't imagine Alex would have dumped Marissa…", Seth said knowingly.

The others looked at him expectantly, but he pretended not to notice until Summer smacked him on the arm again.

"Ouch!… Oh… you want me to continue!" Everyone rolled their eyes.

"Well, when Alex turned up here the other day, she kinda confessed her feelings. She said she had – I'm quoting – fallen really hard for her. And then she asked whether she was fighting for a lost cause… she meant because of you, bro!" Seth pointed at Ryan who grimaced back at him.

"Yeah, I know. In case you forgot, I had to deal with a really angry Alex after that little conversation of yours…"

"Well maybe Marissa just realised that her feelings are not the same as Alex's", Kirsten suggested, "Julie thinks that Marissa's just trying to – excuse my language – piss her off."

"That's not true", Summer said quietly. "Marissa really liked Alex. I mean, sure, she didn't mind the side effect of pissing of Julie Cooper, but that relationship was real. She was so scared of telling me about Alex, she would not have gone through that if she hadn't had true feelings for her. I think Marissa just doesn't know what she wants. But I'm gonna try to help her figure exactly that out."

There was a moment of silence as everyone nodded their agreement.

Ryan straightened up from his leaning position against the counter, yawning, and headed towards the pool house. "I'm gonna go sleep. See ye all tomorrow!"

The others said their goodnights as well and headed off.

Marissa heard the door to the guest room creak open but kept her eyes shut, pretending to be asleep.

"Good night, Coop", she heard Summer whisper from directly above her. A few seconds later she heard the door close again and she opened her eyes to stare into the darkness around her.

Marissa slept very badly that night. After hours of turning around again and again, trying desperately to find some rest, she decided to get up. She switched on the light and shot a glance at the alarm clock. 5 am. She sighed and took off the pyjamas Kirsten had leant her before putting on the clothes of the evening before, that being a red hoodie and a skirt. Marissa wrote a short note to the Cohen's and left it on the bedside table. Then she left the house as quietly as possible and got into her car. She drove to the beach, enjoying the ride in still-darkness along the deserted streets.

She sat down on the sand close to the little lifeguard tower she often went to. She stared into the dark ocean, resting her head on her knees.

It's over. Marissa had only felt this lost two times before. The first time in Tijuana, when she found out that her parents were getting a divorce and her boyfriend had cheated on her. She had overdosed then and nearly managed to kill herself. The second time had been after Ryan had left to live with Theresa and she had been forced to live with her mother and Caleb. She had turned to alcohol then. So what now?

Unlike the other times, Marissa realised, she now had more control over the situation. No one was forcing her to anything, no one had cheated on her… Alex had left her, but not because she didn't want her anymore, but because she thought she was going to loose her to Ryan anyway. Okay, I have to figure this out, Marissa thought. What do I want? God, who knew such a question could be that difficult to answer.

When she had started to crush on Alex, it had been scary at first, then simply exciting and thrilling. Though everything had become a bit scary and overwhelming from time to time, all in all it had been more than amazing for Marissa to experience all these new feelings. The connection between her and Alex had been more intense than any other relationship before. They'd laughed together and they'd cried together. Marissa had found herself spilling all her most intimate thoughts and feelings out to Alex: She told her about Tijuana, about Luke and Ryan, and everything that had happened with her mom. In her turn, Marissa had listened to Alex' story, and it had made her happy that Alex obviously returned her trust.

Telling Summer about their relationship had been a huge step for her. Being accepted by Summer as who she was had deepened and strengthened both her relationship to Summer and to Alex.

Then, after Marissa had moved in with Alex, everything had become even more overwhelming. Marissa had started to learn what it meant to live on your own, and had more than once been overstrained, but Alex had been there to help her. They had a lot of good times together, but they also experienced the shadowy sides of living together. It had happened once or twice that Alex had come home from work late, pissed off from an exhausting work day, and had been bitchy towards her girlfriend. But strangely enough, it had been exactly such moments (and the moments after, when Alex had apologized for bitching) that made Marissa realise how much the feisty blonde-with-a-purple-streak young woman meant to her.

She had felt herself beginning to fall. To fall so very hard for Alex. Yes, she had felt her crush begin to turn into something else, into something so much more.

At first, the feeling had been great. It had given her a feeling of belonging.

Then it had scared her.

Her relationship with Ryan had been one of the most important stages in her life. He had helped her deal with a lot of things, had helped her through a difficult time. She had loved him, and she still did, somehow. She had not been over him when he had gone to Chino and come back after the summer, nor when she had dated DJ. Her relationship to Alex on the other hand had changed everything. Even before she had been aware of her feelings towards her, Marissa had felt her feelings towards Ryan change. She still missed him as they barely saw each other, but she didn't miss him as a boyfriend any longer. She still loved him, as her best male friend, but as nothing more.

She had once been able to imagine a future with Ryan, now that image was replaced by a future with Alex. That was what she wanted.

And that was what scared her.

When she had first accepted her feelings towards Alex, she had been scared of what the people she cared about, at that time rather friends than family, would think of her dating a girl. After they found out, her fears had been mostly buried, but apparently they had not been quite killed. Now, as she had begun not to think of Alex as her crush but her love, she had started to ask herself whether this was really what she wanted. Marissa Cooper, a lesbian?

A little teenage girl and girl romance, sure. But a life as a lesbian?

Marissa picked up a handful of sand and let it run through her fingers. She looked out to the dark endless ocean, which was starting to become a bit lighter as a first red streak started to show on the horizon. The start of a new day. A day with answers to all the unspoken questions, hopefully.

"God, I'm so stupid", Marissa mumbled to herself, only now that she felt it hard to move her lips noticing how cold she was. "I let everything with Alex fall apart because I'm afraid of being with her for real, and I don't even now if she even feels that way about me." Maybe she'd just laugh at the thought of some day marrying you, and she'd laugh even harder if she heard you talking to yourself, God, Cooper, get a grip on yourself!

But the next moment she thought, no, Alex would never laugh at you like that. But does it even make a difference?

Marissa took her iPod out of her pocket and put on some rather aggressive music. She turned the volume up as much as she could bear and laid back on the sand. She closed her eyes and tried to stop her thoughts from circling around the same problem again and again. She concentrated hard on the music, paying attention to the lyrics and all the different instruments. Yet her thoughts kept wandering back to a certain blonde: the image of Alex, brushing the purple streak back behind her ear kept appearing in her head.

Marissa felt something tapping her shoulder and slowly opened her eyes. Summer was kneeling beside her, looking at her questioningly.

"You awake now, Coop? Here, your iPod… I thought it'd be easier to wake you without you hearing music, but what was I thinking? If Billy Talent didn't wake you with their screaming, how was I supposed to manage?!"

Marissa smiled and sat up, shaking off sand from her pullover.

"Hey Sum." She gave Summer a kind of sad puppy look, making her friend immediately lean forward to hug her.

"Aww, sweetie, how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay, I guess", Marissa said, breaking the embrace and smiling at the other girl thankfully. "But hey, how did you know where I was?"

Summer playfully rolled her eyes on Marissa. "Now really, Coop! We've been friends for, like, I don't know, forever! You left a note saying you were going out to catch some fresh air and that you just needed some time to think…. Were else would you go but to this beach! You ought to know that I know you this well…"

"Of course!", Marissa laughed. She looked to the ocean and for the first time really realised that the sun had already risen.

"What time is it, anyways?"

"About 8 a.m.", Summer responded casually.

"What?! Not that I mind being late to class, but you never ditch, Sum! I don't want you to get into trouble because of me."

"Hey, Coop, relax! They gave us the first two lessons off today because of the bonfire last night, remember?…" Seeing the surprised look on Marissa's face, Summer couldn't suppress a chuckle. "Truly, Marissa, do you ever listen to the teachers talk?"

Marissa shrugged, grinning widely. "That's what I have you for!"

Summer stuck out her tongue at her best friend, making her grin even wider. For a moment Marissa felt completely carefree and simply happy.

The two friends sat there in silence for a moment, smiling at each other. Then Marissa remembered why they were sitting here in the first place and sighed deeply.

Summer cleared her throat. "So, what do you think? Should we head back to my place? I'm guessing you'd like to take a shower before school… and I can lend you some clothes of mine. We'll go pick up some of your stuff later. Alright?"

Marissa nodded absently, for a moment lost in thought. Then she shook her head and refocused on the situation.

"Yeah, sure. Sounds good."

They got up and started walking towards their cars.

Marissa suddenly remembered something. "Oh, and could you maybe also lend me some paper and a pen? My school stuff is at ho– at Alex's… She's probably home right now, so I think it's just best if I head over there later when she's at work." Marissa's voice faltered and she felt a lump in her throat.

Summer put her hand on Marissa's arm, patting it reassuringly.

"Sure, no prob. And you know, if you wanna talk… anytime. I'm there."

"Thanks Sum. Not now, though."

"Whenever you're ready."

They got into their separate cars and drove to the Roberts' residence. While Marissa was in the shower, Summer called Seth to tell him that everything was okay.

After having showered, Marissa felt a bit calmer. She borrowed one of Summer's skirts – her best friend's jeans were much too short for her – and found one of her own t-shirts in Summer's closet.

After both girls were fully dressed, they went into the kitchen to have some breakfast. In her worry for Marissa, Summer had not taken the time to eat anything when she had awoken that morning, so she now ate with great appetite. Marissa on the other hand just picked at her pancake. When Summer noticed this, worry clouded her face again.

"Marissa…," she said pleadingly.

"I'm fine, Sum. Just not hungry. Come on, we'll be late for school."

Marissa stood up and took her plate with her, throwing the untouched pancake into the trash. Summer sighed and followed her friend outside.

The two girls met up with Seth and Ryan in school. The latter greeted Marissa with a hug, which she returned gratefully. Is this what I want? This is what I should want.

The day passed slowly, Marissa felt as if she was in a kind of dream, sleepwalking. Her mind was in a haze and she had the feeling of being far away from everything around her.

After school Marissa went to the beach again and sat down on the lifeguard tower. She took out pen and paper – both given to her by Summer – and began to write. She had never done this before, but she just let her emotions spill out of her and formed them into words on the white sheet.

So, what do think so far? Hope you liked it.

- Elanor