Comforting
Summary: Merlin has been through a lot this series. And he's has to hold it in. But when he finally breaks who's there to comfort him?
Merlin pounded at the petal turning it into dust. It had been another busy day. Wake up the prince, clean the prince's room, make beds, polish shoes, shine armour, save Arthur from evil magic, run errands for Gaius, ignore Arthur's comments and keep his magic a secret. If it had been anyone else they would have broken down. Yet, Merlin was use to it. Even through he had a lot of things in his mind.
Merlin tried not to think but they were already in his mind. The people he had lost. Morganna, a friend that had to be poison or Camelot was doom. Merlin still know that, whether she was with Morgause, she was blaming him. His father, his father that Merlin didn't knew he had, lost to a sword and Merlin's clumsiness. If he hadn't dropped the sword, his father wouldn't have taken the sword's plunge. And then there was Freya.
Freya. The person he loved and grieve for even more than his father. She was the person that had let him be who he truly was. She didn't tell him off for using magic or would of killed him if found out. She was like no one he had ever felt for. And to be killed just because of her curse burned his heart even through he didn't blame anyone apart from himself.
"Merlin, I've think that petal's done." Gaius said. Merlin quickly blinked the tears back and move onto the next petal. Even through Gaius knew what had happen; Merlin didn't want to cry on his shoulder. He knew how Gaius would feel to see Merlin pour his heart out and he didn't want that. That's how he had managed to hold on. Gaius didn't have to see or hear him doing that. There were enough problems on Gaius' mind.
When he had done, Merlin had told Gaius he was going for a walk. Merlin didn't usually do this unless he had to do some spying on a killer or help the prince escape to see a witch. That was probably why Gaius face was filled with worry, when Merlin left.
Merlin was going for a walk, first. But seeing everyone with their loved ones as they tried to rebuild the burnt houses hurt him. And when he saw the couples, Merlin picked up his pace until he was out of the town and in the forest. Then he ran.
Arthur groaned as he woke up. Morning. Time to do his duties. So annoying they were unless they were hunting or fighting. But he had to do them. Someone had to be the next king and if he didn't shape up, it probably won't be him. Arthur didn't know who would actually take his place but it'll probably be some idiot like Merlin.
Speaking of Merlin, where was he? Usually he would be standing there, trying not to stumble. Yet, the room was empty and no one had opened the curtains or change anything in the room from what it was before Arthur shut his eyes.
"Merlin!" Arthur shouted as he stood up. He expected Merlin to rush in with a million of excuses. But, no, Merlin didn't appear. "Merlin!"
Arthur groaned. He couldn't waste time waiting. He was a prince, you know. Arthur got dress and went to get his chores done. When he found Merlin, he was going to get him.
When he went back to his chambers he had expected to find Merlin, but he hadn't showed. The room was still as how Arthur had left it. Arthur was worried now, where was Merlin?
Storming to the physician's room, Arthur banged on the door. Gaius immediately open it.
"Sire." Gaius politely bowed but Arthur hadn't missed the worried look.
"Where's Merlin?" Arthur grumbled trying to cover up his worry. Was Merlin sick?
Gaius sighed, looked to the ground and sighed again. "I don't know."
"What?" Arthur couldn't help but wonder if Gaius was lying. But Gaius face clearly spoke the truth. "He went for a walk, last night, and didn't return."
Arthur grew more worried. What if something happen to Merlin? He was an idiot but surely even he could look after himself.
"You've got an inkling where he could be?" Arthur asked
"No. But..." Gaius paused wondering if he should tell the prince.
"But...?"
"He seem upset." Gaius said. He was more than upset, Gaius knew that. But if Gaius told Arthur that, then Arthur would want to know the reason. And that should be left to Merlin.
Arthur walked into the woods, stopping to search for footprints. He had asked the locals and they had said that Merlin came somewhere here. Arthur hoped that was so, he didn't want to run about to find Merlin back in his chambers.
Arthur soon found some footprints, covered by the falling leaves. They were quite wide apart, so Merlin was running. But from what?
Arthur followed the footprints. He expected to find himself in the most obvious place, by the lake. For some reason Merlin seem fascinated by that pond, god knows why. But even through the footprints paused at the path leading to the lake, they didn't proceed. Arthur was confused. If Merlin was upset surely he would go to his favourite place. But he didn't. This made Arthur more worried.
"Merlin?" shouted Arthur. No answer. And he had come to the end of the tracks. The rest was covered by leaves, not even a scruff of a shoe continued it. "Merlin?"
And then Arthur saw, hidden by the turn over tree, a figure. The figure didn't move and his eyes were shut. His pale skin was paler than usual.
"Merlin!" shouted Arthur as he rushed to his side. Please don't be dead. "Merlin!"
A unwilling eye opened. "Arthur, I'm not deaf you know."
"God, Merlin, you gave me a fright. Why in the blazing didn't you light a fire or something?"
"Not cold." Merlin stated but as soon as he said that he shuddered.
"No you're not cold. You're freezing, Merlin!" Arthur moaned as he got up an gather some wood. Once he lit them, he carried on. "Honestly, Merlin what am I gonna do with you?"
Arthur expected Merlin to come up with a backfire remark as usual but Merlin didn't say anything.
"Why you here?" Merlin moaned after a long silence.
"Why? Why??!! Merlin, you doofus, I was worried that's why. Gaius is too." That reminded Arthur of what Gaius said.
"Well, I'm fine, so you can go home now." Merlin said and he huddled away from Arthur, trying to get back to sleep. From his tone, Arthur knew he was lying.
"You're not fine. What's wrong?" Arthur change his tone so it was now comforting.
"I just needed a break. End of subject." Merlin said. Arthur assumed it was a snap but it sounded too weary.
"And this is the place to get away from it all?" Arthur asked, expecting Merlin to rise up to the bait. But Merlin didn't remark, just nodded as he closed his eyes.
"Merlin, you can go to sleep when I've found out what's wrong." Arthur said, pinching his friend. Merlin's skin was beyond freezing, it was so icy it made Arthur's fingers ached.
Merlin groaned. He wasn't in the mood. If he could, he would have run away from this annoying prince by now. But Merlin didn't have the heart or the strength to do so. Besides, Arthur would just find him again.
"I'm just...tired that's all."
"Merlin, I can see that. But why did you come here in the first place? I'd assumed you would have gone to the lake-" Arthur saw Merlin's flinch. But why?
"Tired of it." Merlin trembled and Arthur knew Merlin was lying again.
"No you're not. Come on Merlin, you can trust me with anything. And that's me saying that as a friend, not a prince."
"I...I'm just upset that's all."
"Have I done anything?" Arthur asked. Merlin flinch again.
"No." Merlin tried. But glancing at Arthur told him that he wasn't fooled. "Well, not to me. And it wasn't you're fault."
"What's it?"
"Nothing you need to know, sire." Merlin whispered and Arthur knew it was something by the formality.
"Look, Merlin, if I did anything that upset you, I can sort it out-"
"There's nothing you can do." Merlin snapped wearily and tried to ignore Arthur. He closed his eyes and let Arthur continue to ask what's wrong and pinch him. Just as he was sinking into sleep Arthur said something about Gaius. "Look, just leave me alone. And don't take me back to Gaius."
"Shan't." Arthur snapped and punched Merlin arm now. Merlin slowly opened his eyes.
"Now you're awake, again, tell me what's wrong. That's an order."
"I won't tell you if you go all high and mighty. All right. I'm upset about losing them."
"Losing who?"
"Morganna. Balinor. And I almost lost Gaius and my mum."
"Morganna is hopefully alive and well. And the dragon lord..."
"Don't say he wasn't worth my grief, there's more too it then you know."
"What?" Arthur asked and Merlin groaned, throwing him a look that told him he wasn't ready to answer.
"Okay. But you've still got Gaius even through he could of- wait what happen to your mum?"
"She got ill around the time when you got hurt by the Questing beast. It wasn't clear if she would make it."
"Oh. Well she still alive and that's all that counts."
"Yeah, but it was mostly my fault. I should of help Morganna. I should of not of dropped my sword. I should have not said I didn't see the smoke. I should of..."
"Merlin, stop this self-pity. It's not you're fault. You couldn't of help Morganna, Morgause is a sorceress, for crying out loud. And it's not you're fault you dropped you're sword. And knowing you, you were of in a daydream when that woman saw the smoke. None of it was you're fault!"
"You wouldn't understand. It was."
"Merlin! Look that's no reason for you're grieving. I mean look at the dragon lord, you hardly knew him."
"Even if I didn't, he still was my father!" Merlin snapped harsher this time. And then stopped.
"Y-you're father?" Arthur stared at him. Merlin nodded, slowly.
"Gaius told me before we left. I didn't tell you because I didn't think you'll react that well." Merlin looked away from Arthur, ready for him to blow it. But he didn't.
"Merlin, I'm sorry. About telling you no man's worth you're tears. He was-"
"I know. It's okay. It was better than what you did with-" Merlin stopped himself again.
"With who? Merlin tell me!"
"Don't start, okay?"
Arthur nodded. He wasn't sure what he was going to start, but if Merlin told him what was wrong, he try and keep it in.
"It was me who rescue the druid girl from the cage." Merlin whispered. Arthur face lit up with anger but manage not to yell. "She didn't mean to kill or those people. She was curse when she killed a sorceress' son when he was hurting her."
"I stabbed her didn't I?" Arthur asked, realising from Merlin's tone that he felt for this girl.
"Not you're fault. She would have hurt you then." Merlin sniffed. Arthur wondered if Merlin was going to cry but he didn't.
"Merlin, you can cry if you want. I won't make fun of you afterwards."
Merlin half-smirked. "I'm beyond tears." He choked.
They sat in silence for a while. Arthur watch Merlin as he stared into space. This was worse then tears, Arthur thought and being someone who loathed crying, that was saying something.
"Did you bury her?" Arthur asked, wishing he didn't.
"No. I set her out in a boat on the lake and bur- well, you know. She use to live a happy life by her home lake so that's why." Merlin said, tears welling in his eyes but wouldn't fall no matter how hard he tried to let them.
Eventually, Merlin drifted of into a sleep just as night was falling. Arthur carried him back to Gaius, who was now even more concerned. Arthur left them, smiling.
It was about time someone comforted that manservant.
Review please! oh go on, it's not going to hurt.