Fanfic:
"Absolute. Please Come
Back"
Pairing: Soubi/Ritsuka
Rate: R
Disclaimer:
Don't own. -bows-
Summary: Soubi
knew that one day he would have to stand in front of Ritsuka to be
judged. What he hadn't known is that Ritsuka's eyes would be as
cold and emotionless as--After
the final battle, Ritsuka disappears, hurt by Soubi's hesitant
betrayal.
For Soubi, it was almost as if he had killed
Ritsuka with his own hands.
After three years, an
encountering with the young man makes him feel that maybe Ritsuka did
die that night.
Prologue: "At the end of all things"
Soubi was not sure anymore which image marked his life more forcefully.
Was it the impression of butterflies, or the impression of trees during fall?
Was it the elusive ever-changing blue shades of fragile wings, or the elusive ever-changing gold tones of dying leaves?
"Probably both" –he murmured to himself as he continued walking, the scarf loosely wrapped around his neck twisting in the sharp wind.
His expression - carelessly blank now- was rendered to a change as he caught vague shadows and silhouettes of memorial stones.
His expression –carefully blank now- refused to acknowledge the cemetery as he strolled by.
"Probably neither" –Soubi spoke to himself again.
Since he didn't have neither butterflies nor autumn leaves, his life was void of a guiding force now. A guiding image.
No master and no sacrifice.
o-o-o-o-
"You always have me, Sou-chan!"
Kio would frequently say, whenever he caught Soubi in one of his somber moods.
"You have me because I am here, by choice, Sou-chan. Don't forget that okay?"
And then Kio would rant about arts and lollipops and piercings and why Sou-chan shouldn't you be applying yourself more to your courses? You still have almost four years to make up for!
Soubi would let a small smile escape him for Kio's sake then. Of course he had four years of university to make up for. It had taken Ritsuka and him almost a year to find the Seven Moons, to find some answers, to find Seimei.
And it had taken only one night to destroy their worlds after that.
o-o-o-o-o-
"Because Seimei's words are absolute" –Soubi had said back then, that night, when he stood there and watched Beloved rip apart Ritsuka's world.
"You understand now why your name is Loveless, Ritsuka?" –Seimei's words cut with absolute conviction- "Because only someone Beloved can save someone who is Loveless. It's so simple really" –Seimei's words flashed with absolute reason- "A blank fighter is not Beloved, Ritsuka. I am Beloved. And you are a loveless sacrifice for me. For me to love and purify" –Seimei's words hurt with absolute finality- "And if you love me, Ritsuka, being a perfect sacrifice in death is only natural"
Soubi had stood there, while Ritsuka bled and yelled and cried and fought. But Ritsuka never waivered. The boy's fight had not been physical but emotional, because obviously an emotional one was so much crueler and devastating. That was the part for sacrifice to play.
Ritsuka's dark eyes turned to him only once during that night. And even though the words had not left his lips, they were there, plain to Soubi's sight:
Help me.
Help me.
Didn't I choose you before?
Didn't I tell ……….
Didn't I …..
Ritsuka's unspoken words cut and flashed and hurt with absolute sadness and understanding.
Soubi was rooted to the cold floor, but what he wouldn't have given to disobey Seimei's words and heed Ritsuka's feelings.
o-o-o-o-o-o-
"You are not a killer, Sou-chan ,stop that! Rit-chan didn't die"
Kio would always say that in a tortured voice when he found Soubi etching with knife or tracing with his fingertip the word 'killer' on his stained canvas, or blank papers, or the newspaper, or even the kitchen's wood table.
But never on skin. Soubi couldn't give himself that privilege.
"He is as dead to the world as if I had killed him though"
Soubi would always answer, and Kio would never reply.
It would be insulting and blind and stupid to contradict that statement anyway, and Kio was not good at useless pitiful acts.
Because Ritsuka's mother was finally getting better now, living in a clinic with his husband by her side, happily forgetting that she once gave birth to two sons.
Because Shinomome-sensei had many other problematic kids to look after, and one surprisingly handsome dark-haired ex – fighter as boyfriend. His traumas as one of many survivors were being gradually healed by the gentle sensei.
Because the Seven Moons had been destroyed and stayed destroyed since three years ago, freeing sacrifices and fighters to live their own lives.
Because the only ones who still remembered to not forget Ritsuka were Yuiko and Yayoi, who balanced their last high school year with university entry tests with family with the still fruitless search of one Aoyagi Ritsuka.
'He went missing almost three years ago, but we haven't found but a single clue yet. Case is practically closed now. Sorry about the kid, eh, but life's tough, and one's gotta move on…..'
That was a police officer some months ago, when Soubi called to ask for news on the search.
It's not that he trusted the police to find Ritsuka, though.
Soubi himself had spent three years –day after day and night after night- looking for him, searching, calling, asking, begging. He went to every nearby city and town. He visited anyone who ever was related to the Aoyagis. He then visited every temple, school and hospital of half of Japan. And then, with no news and no feelings and no money and no dreams, he went back to the starting point. Their hometown.
His results had been as empty as the hope that still stirred him to continue searching. Because Soubi's hope was definitely not filled with images of a happy Ritsuka waiting for him. If Ritsuka had left his side at the age 13, then it clearly meant that he didn't want to be found.
Not even now, when Ritsuka would be nearing 17 years old.
Surely he would be taller.
Maybe his voice had gotten deeper? But Soubi thought that Ritsuka had always had a somehow deep voice. For a child at least.
Maybe he would be……
Surely he would be the same Ritsuka that spoke to him for the last time that night, face bloodied and heart broken:
"I am going…I … please don't….I think…it's over…away…I'll go away…"
The dark had been absolute that night.
o-o-o-o-
Still in that same spot in front of the cemetery, Soubi fought the impulse to shake his head, knowing beforehand it was a vain attempt at trying to dislodge all the memories from his mind.
It was like trying to free himself from the ghosts of Seimei and Ritsu-sensei, both resting in that same cemetery.
He gave a guarded, resentful gaze at the entrance doors, and sighed.
"I'm here anyway" –he shrugged as he made his way into the place, passing by an older man praying in front of a family monument, and a rather young woman sitting silently beside a single black stone –pictureless. Her hair was streaked in different tones of brown –earless. And she wore glasses –she was tearless.
And why did he pay attention to small details like those?
He made his way to the north sector of the cemetery, but instead of getting close to the tombs –black stones- of the two men –two sacrifices- that were buried just fifty steps away, he stopped, and sat in one small stone staircase.
"Today I am not praying or paying honors for you" –he murmured to the wind, as he sat there for long, cold minutes.
The wind was picking up, and the smell of tobacco in the air found his way to his surroundings.
Soubi turned to take a look at the smoker – he was also planning on lighting a smoke of his own- but the sheer shock of the sight froze his hands, his eyes, his being….not his heart.
His heart gave a weak thud.
o-o-o-o-o-
It wasn't like he wanted to find Soubi.
Or that he wanted to be found by Soubi.
It was just a rather careless gesture of his, but it was not overly important either.
Ritsuka stood there, smoking, as he watched Soubi watching him.
He did wonder why Soubi and him had ended up at the cemetery the same day at the same hour.
Surely it was another proof of how sadist Seimei and Ritsu-san could be, even in death.
Ritsuka took another drag from the smoke, and let his eyes wander around them. It certainly was getting chilly by the minute.
He did wonder if his school assignment could wait for another hour or so. Surely not.
And it was a long way back to his place.
It was not as if he had anything important to do here, anyway.
o-o-o-o-o-
Soubi knew for a fact that his voice had died in his throat when he could only rasp a weak sound at the image of Ritsuka.
Standing there.
And turning his back and walking away.
'I am wide-eyed and surprised and vulnerable' –was the thought going through Soubi's mind- 'I am acting nothing like a fighter, ex –fighter, ex- anything. I am groundless'
But even though that was what Soubi was thinking, he unconsciously was already walking towards the retreating figure.
Towards a Ritsuka clad from head to toe in black, who was holding a cigar. Who still had his ears and tail.
'And why do I pay attention to that?' –Soubi mentally scolded.
"Rit.."
His voice was beginning to cooperate, it seemed.
With a deep intake of breath, and a firm resolution to not ruin this, and put himself together, Soubi called.
"Ritsuka. Wait"
o-o-o-o-
Oh.
Soubi was going to talk to him?
Well….
That was okay, Ritsuka guessed. Time and distance –that when he had run away had seemed so precious and cruel to him- had become irrelevant now.
He had long ago learnt to not fear, dream, wait, cherish, feel this moment.
o-o-o-o-
Soubi watched as Ritsuka -17 years old Ritsuka- stopped and turned to face him.
The cigar left a sparkling trace of light in its way from between Ritsuka's lips and his right hand.
Soubi regarded him with his now recovered calm.
"Ritsuka. I've been looking for you. Ritsuka"
o-o-o-o-
Surely Soubi knew that such things were unnecessary to say.
And thus, there wasn't need for an answer, so Ritsuka just stood there, suppressing the urge to arch his eyebrows at the older man in front of him.
o-o-o-o-
Soubi knew that there would come the day when he would have to stand in front of Ritsuka to be judged.
He had sinned horribly, and betrayed and failed, for the sake of feelings and obligations to his instincts and his past.
He wanted anger and furious tears and sorrow and reproachful eyes trained at him. He wanted to feel the emotional pain of those things coming from Ritsuka, because he also knew that Ritsuka would never physically hurt him, hit him, abuse him.
And that was okay for Soubi. He had finally understood that physical pain was too easy a route of escape for him. And he did not deserve to be so easily redeemed.
What Soubi hadn't known, is that Ritsuka's eyes would be as cold and emotionless as –
o-o-o-o-
"Saa, I've come to like it, my name. I guess with realization comes understanding and then, acceptance. It's rather apt"
Ritsuka spoke, then fell silent.
Soubi just stared at him. Blank and quiet and supremely still.
Ritsuka shrugged. Of course this would be pointless.
Walking away….going away….always seemed a rather good choice.
o-o-o-o-
Soubi stood there, once again wide-eyed and shocked and vulnerable.
He couldn't speak or move as he watched Ritsuka turn again –maybe he found him boring, since all what Soubi do was stand there speechless like a statue- and make his way to the exit of the cemetery and then to the other street.
He watched Ritsuka walk and wait for the traffic light to change, and watched other people cross the young man's way. He watched Ritsuka disappear down a distant subway entrance, not once the young man turning back to see if he was being followed.
Soubi felt coldness grip him tightly. And a surprising need to fix things up.
To bring Ritsuka back from the dead.
Because this was the first time he had ever seen and talked and interacted with Loveless, and he did not want to see him again.
Loveless had to disappear.
Ritsuka must be in there somewhere.