Pronunciation:

Asha- Ash-uh

Nathara- Nuh-thar-uh

*Shepard is biologically only 30 years old in Mass effect 3 although she is chronologically 32. Mass effect 3 took place in the end of the year 2186. In my story I got the good mass effect 3 ending, where Kaiden, Joker, and Garrus landed on some planet but got out of the Normandy to live. Nathara (Shepard) Takes a breath and is clearly alive in the end. All the mass effect relays were destroyed as well as all synthetics. Anderson died peacefully at my side as we watched earth.*

"This is Asha Shepard, diary entry 4728, year 2206" I pause and take a deep breath. Funny to think I started this diary 13 years ago…things weren't much simpler at 6 than they are at 19.

"It started such a long, long time ago. Or so I am told. At least double my meager years of existence and, as my mother tells me, even before that. It was an unbroken cycle of events until my mother came along. And being the woman she is, she crashed right through and broke the cycle. It's a story many know well, although maybe not as well as I do. And some of it I've only been told about. But most of it I've seen through her eyes, because of a gift. A gift a Prothean gave her not so long before I was born. I've only scratched the surface of what had happened and now I am finally ready to find out the rest."

I reach up and turn off the vidcam diary I've been keeping, slowly touching the mysterious artifact that will take me back into a time before my birth, to see the world through my mother's eyes.

Just open eyes. Open! Why won't they open…and that pounding. My head is killing me.

"Monitor changes, is she responding?" a loud voice said.

"Please let her be responding, if the tests are right they both need her strength." This one sounded like a worried female, why are they here?

"Listen it's a miracle we found her at all and I'll be damned if we lose her. Forget any other life, any other concerns Shepard will not die on my watch." A very loud male said...he sounded familiar. "Not again." That he added much more quietly. His voice sounds so familiar. Who is he?

My eyes must have finally listened because they open slightly…it's so bright. I shakily lift an arm to shield them.

"We've got movement!"

"Eyes are opening check monitors for response!" So many more voices started talking and I tried to sit up.

Then that male voice started talking, but more like whispering in my ear, "Shepard stay down. That's an order."

Order? Who orders me? Anderson…

"No!" I screamed almost sitting up, the full reality of Anderson's death coming down on me.

"Hold her down. We need to sedate her."

"Yes ma'am, sedation on the way…injecting now."

No…I want to stay awake. My head was getting fuzzier and fuzzier but I managed to hear.

"Damn it she started talking and now she's back under! Wake her up!"

"We can't because…." And off to sleep I went.

"Shepard? Shepard wake up."

My eyes open way easier this time. "Hackett? Is that you?"

"She's up, there will be no more sedation understand?" Hackett sounded commanding but also very tired.

I turned my head to the side and saw him. Looking around though everyone looked a little more tired, a little more aged. I tried to sit up and I felt a hand stop me. "Let me…sit up" I grunted as my head got dizzy and I nearly fell back down to the table.

"Commander Shepard really shouldn't be up and around Sir." She was clearly talking to admiral Hackett.

I forced myself up despite the rush in my head and my vision going blurry I looked to her. "Don't talk about me like I'm not here." I looked to each and every one of them. "Now tell me…what happened?" they all just stood there dumbfounded. "what happened? Where am I?" Still no one answered. I looked to Hackett. "Why is no one saying anything? I need to know what happened!"

"No one is saying anything because they don't know how much to tell you. They're scared. Lucky for you someone around here has the balls to do it." The cocky voice sounded so familiar. "Other than you of course. You have some pretty big balls Lola." At that I felt a small smile on my face.

"James."

"Damn straight, reapers can't take me down so easily. Seems like the same goes for you."

"So what happened? Where am I? How long have I been here? And…where is Kaiden?" I asked the last one in a small voice, if he didn't make it…

"Maybe some of these questions should be answered a little more delicately. James I'm sure you can clear a room, so do it."

"Tali?" I turned around to see both of them standing side by side, looking almost the same as they did before we battled on earth.

"Yes and there are some things that you're going to have to know…and I don't know how to tell you." She said quietly sitting down next to me. I heard James clearing the room and then talking to Hackett in a low voice. I looked over to Tali.

I wanted to ask about Kaiden again but there were so many things to ask. "I'll go easy on you. How long have I been in here?"

"A month."

"So I didn't die again?" I asked hesitantly almost sure I didn't.

"Not this time, Lola, would have been damn cool to watch them revive you though." James said sitting down in a swivel chair.

"Yeah well James you can't get rid of me that easily." I wanted to smile but there are so many questions.

"Yeah first you survive a reaper laser, then you get tossed to the citadel, and no one knows what crazy stuff went on in there. Then you help dock the Crucible and blow up the citadel. Which, by the way, plummets you down to earth and you're still standing, or lying down. I don't know how you do it."

"James." Tali scolds him in a low whisper obviously telling him to shut up.

"Well, I guess that answers what happened after I killed the illusive man and…" I pause. The boy…the catalyst. "And passed out after taking a few blind shots at a control panel." I lied. It didn't look like they could tell though. The last thing I need is for my friends to think I've lost it, or to know that I had 3 choices and possibly made the wrong one.

"Shepard, I don't want to badger you with questions but…did you know the mass effect relays would be destroyed? So many of us are stuck on earth now." Tali said this so sadly. How do you tell a person that you chose to make that happen? And so soon after she got her home world back.

"I…was aware of that but only shortly before it happened." I stepped around the question carefully. I want to be honest but…If this choice caused more hurt than I would have thought…I don't know how well I can live with that.

"Ah earth isn't so bad Tali. Well it looks like shit right now but it'll get better." James shrugged, turning around in the chair.

"My squad…" I looked down. "Liara, Garrus, Kaiden, and even Javik, what happened to them?" I was looking at James but he looked away and spun around in his chair. So I looked to Tali who also looked away. "Guys?"

"Yeah this looks like it's time for some girl talk, see you later Lola." He got up and walked out the door. "Good luck Tali."

"Shepard…"

"Tali, I've been through hell. I can probably even say that literally since I've died once already. I can take it. So tell me, what happened to my squad?" I demanded hiding my worry behind strength.

"EDI was destroyed, along with all the other synthetics. Javik is alive but he's always alone, touching things or talking to Liara. I never thought they would be talking though, he never seemed to like her." She tried laughing a little and acted like she wasn't going to say anything else.

"Tali" I warned knowing what she was doing. "I know I was on the brink of death for a month but it doesn't mean I don't know what you're trying to do." I looked at her until she looked at me. "Garrus, Kaiden…" I trailed off.

"We don't know. We've looked everywhere Shepard. They were on the Normandy for sure though. They escaped the reapers laser in a shuttle as they were about to die. It took them to the Normandy where they were helping Joker pilot. When that orange light spread out, destroying the relays, they went dark." She paused sighing. "We don't know what happened, Shepard, I am so sorry."

"No." I shook my head.

"What?" Tali asked confused, you could see it on her face despite the mask.

"No. You are not sorry. They aren't dead there is nothing to be sorry about." I got up and turned away, walking shakily so she couldn't see the tears in my eyes. But before Tali could respond the doors opened.

"Tali they need you downstairs, for the fleet count." I knew the voice…soft and young yet so wise. It was Liara.

"Very well," I hear her get up and walk towards the door. She whispered something to Liara but I couldn't hear her. So I just stood there until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Shepard," Liara said softly. "No, Nathara," She corrected herself using my first name. "I know you feel like you can't mourn, that you can't worry because you have to be this hero all the time. But even heroes mourn, have weakness, worry, even if they don't show it. Soon you will be overrun with questions and responsibilities I'm sure. "She paused tightening her grip on my shoulder. "So take this time to just be Nathara. To find peace. To mourn all those you lost. And do it well because when you step out of this room you will have to be Shepard again, and I don't know when you will get to be just Nathara again, or if that day will ever come." She sighed releasing my shoulder. "Have peace my friend." And then Liara left the room.

I turned to look out the large window, but I looked past the destruction on the surface of earth, past the struggling people and up to the stars, the ones that seemed so calm. I studied each and every one of them knowing my best pilot, my best friend, and the love of my existence were on one of them. And in that moment, for the first time in years, I cried.