Title: Turn Off My Heart
Pairing: Booth/Bones
Rating: T
Summary: Remembering not to fall in love, or to say it out loud, is one of the hardest things to do.
Disclaimer: I do not own, so please, do not sue.
AN: I recently discovered this song, and I absolutely fell in love with it. After listening to the song a few dozen times, this idea came to me and wouldn't leave, so here it is. Also, a great big thank you goes out to That Old Black Magic, for helping me out! Enjoy!
He stood, leaning against the closed door of his refrigerator, with a cold beer in hand, and for the moment, his bittersweet refuge from the world. The fight, or more fittingly, the cold, hard slap of reality was still replaying in the little part of his mind that had held on, so dearly to that silly notion of, "hope."
Silently Booth padded across the cold tile floor into his living room, turning on the radio as he made his way over to the dark leather couch. The sound of a slow melody and calming piano pierced the gloomy air that had settled over his home upon his arrival.
He took a long swig of his beer, holding the bottle loosely around the neck as he sunk back into his couch. His eyes fluttered shut as a soothing voice emanated from the surrounding speakers, and for a moment, it seemed like the night had stopped.
If only, for a moment.
I've been lost in Los Angeles
Nothin but big blue skies and breasts.
The slow, sultry, and touching voice blared through the speakers, washing over him.
Crawlin down sunset on my hands and knees
Lookin for somethin to give my heart a rest.
The words entered his being, landing on his heart, pulling and tugging his heart strings this way and that. The lump in his throat grew larger as he forced his dark eyes open, the spark in them gone with the arrival of night. Staring at darkened screen of his TV in front of him, he reflected once more on his fight with Brennan.
I've been dreamin' about your hips again
The way they move when you shake your head.
God, she was beautiful, everything about her, from her amazing talent, her bookish, squint-y ways, to the way she never grasped pop-culture references. But of course, he couldn't just tell her that she was the very picture of perfection in his eyes, that all he wanted to do was make her his, to be with her to his dying day. Of course not, with Bones, it wasn't that simple.
In his eyes, she was heaven sent. He'd never seen anyone so stunning and so unaware on the effect she had on others... or on him more specifically. His hand reached up, snaking its way, rather roughly throwing his hair for a few moments, until finally he leaned back further into the couch, covering his eyes.
"FUCK!" He yelled, momentarily drowning out the sounds that had been dancing throughout his home.
I've been scheming to kiss your lips again
So baby why dont you just crawl right back into bed.
He'd been perfectly content with just being her friend, her partner. Until that kiss, that stupid kiss. Well that wasn't fair, it hadn't been anywhere near being stupid. As a matter of fact, it had been anything but stupid, it had been amazingly pleasurable, exciting, and at the same time, it seemed so normal. It hadn't felt awkward; her lips hadn't felt unfamiliar or cold. He'd felt feelings that to him, were indescribable.
That kiss had lit a fire in his heart that he couldn't quite depict, nor did he think he wanted to try to. He'd had hope for them in that moment, renewable optimism in the world. But he supposed that that was just the beginning of the end, the final flicker of light in the wind.
Nevertheless, ever since then, he'd wanted to experience that feeling again. Now, an innocent hug, or an accidental brush of their hands hadn't been enough for him. He needed to feel her lips on his again, and it seemed, so did she, especially after everything that had happened. But, he'd been raised right, a gentlemen, he couldn't take advantage of her; he wouldn't take advantage of her.
She was worth waiting for. And she had been, no matter how much the pain that the shards of his obliterated heart was causing him, he knew in his bleeding heart that she was worth anything, and everything.
It had been about three weeks since the situation with Zack had occurred, when she'd come to his apartment. She hadn't said much that night, she'd just taken the drink he'd offered her, and ignored his inquisitions about why she was here at this late hour. Until finally, she'd spoken up, maybe it had been the drinks they'd had, or something in her had cracked, but nothing could've prepared him for what she was about to say when she'd finally spoken:
"Can I stay with you tonight?"
He couldn't say no. Not then, not to her, not when he was looking into those big cerulean eyes of hers. She'd looked so lost, so unsure of herself, so not who he knew she was. He'd simply nodded and offered her the bed, but of course she refused, pulling him along with her, telling him they were both adults.
The first night, they'd simply shared the same bed, finding comfort in the heart of the night in each others arms.
But it had only progressed, faster and faster each night, until finally; they had crossed that golden line, the point of no return. And he would've been a liar if he said it hadn't felt amazing, unlike anything he could ever even begin to describe. Everything about that night had been beyond words. That morning she'd left in the morning for work, leaving behind a note:
Booth,
Enjoy your day with Parker.
- Brennan
She'd not even made any sly mention about the night before, about what had happened, and when she'd come back in the evening two nights later, he'd known why. He hadn't even had to ask, just looking at her, her demeanor, he understood. She'd reverted back to her old ways, back into her shell, surrounding herself by facts, rather than taking another chance and venturing outside of her world to see how the rest of the world felt. To see how she felt.
That night, her eyes had been different, resembling icy, nearly grey orbs. He'd known right then, that this, to her was nothing more than a source of release.
He wasn't nothing to her, but he wasn't something either.
Cuz I forgot to turn off my heart, like I said would
and I know I should
This Rollin' stone, come to a stop
But, even as she fell back into her old, well-worn path, he fell more and more in love with her. Despite their mutual understanding that this, whatever this was between them, was nothing more than something of a, "friends with benefits," relationship, it was one-sided. He couldn't help it; she was the woman that he loved.
And he'd told her so, much to her dismay.
It had been earlier in the evening, he'd been at her place, lying in bed with her, playing with a stray curl of hair as he lay, propped up on his elbow next to her, her back to him. He could specifically pinpoint the moment that had unraveled everything, that had single-handedly taken their, "mutual understanding," ripped it up and tossed it into an angry pit of fire. It had been the moment when she'd turned her head, ever so slightly to look at him, the ghost of a smile playing on her lips. But it had been the look in her eyes that had killed him, that had released every ounce of restraint into the wind, that had made him lose every rational thought within him.
When she'd looked at him, he could've sworn he'd seen something in her eyes, the same kind of soft, kind, almost... dare he say it... loving look she used to give him.
It had been at that moment when he'd lost all control, and his mouth had taken on a life of its own: "I love you," he'd told her softly, trailing his hand down the side of her neck, slowly, tantalizingly to her shoulder, until he'd realized what he'd said.
"Booth… I thought we had an understanding," she replied, pulling away from him ever so quickly as she moved to wrap the sheets around her, and with it, every last one of her self-protecting walls.
He gaped at her, unsure of what to say, what to do. "I'm sorry… I," but then he caught himself, as a hot flash of anger rose in his chest. "No, I'm not sorry. I love you Bones. I know this isn't you, this cold, if-I-don't-feel-I-won't-get-hurt crap. I know you, and this isn't you." He waved an angry hand, gesturing.
She simply stared at him, her face blank as he supposed she absorbed what he was saying, maybe rationalizing what she would say next.
Her bone-chilling eyes pierced through him as she regarded him. But what she'd said next had completely shattered his heart.
"Don't call me Bones."
It was then that he knew. It was all over, he'd never get to touch her again, to hold her, to kiss her, to make love to her, to love her – nothing.
He'd gathered his clothes, and made a quick exit.
I've been sinkin' in my bed again
Oh I can't sleep when we're apart
I've been thinkin' about what you said again
I gotta make up my mind and let down my guard
And now, here he was, knocking back beer after beer, trying desperately to consume enough alcohol so that, at least for a few hours the pain would stop. He just wanted to forget about tonight, he'd lost the woman he loved, the only woman who could truly take him from 0 to 100 and back again in less than 60 seconds.
He'd given up on sleep hours ago, it was useless because every time he closed his eyes, he saw her there, sitting on the bed, cold and completely unlike the woman he knew she was. He kept replaying those last few moments, when she'd just stared at him, like he was the most peculiar thing she'd ever laid those beautiful eyes of hers on.
Those few moments, after all he'd gone through, were undoubtedly the most painful moments of his life. Was it possible for your heart to break from hearing just four words?
Cuz I forgot to turn off my heart, like I said would
And I know I should
This Rollin' stone, come to a stop.
He'd loved with all his heart, and despite the consequences, he knew he would always love her – she was his everything, his heart, his soul, his world.
But, it was over now, simply because he forgot not to fall in love with his angel from above.
AN: Hope someone out there liked it. Just in case you were wondering, the song is called, "Turn Off My Heart," by Rich Price. Thanks for reading!