Title: Lost

Rating: PG-13 for bits of language, nothing to bad, but if you can watch the show you should be able to read this....

Disclaimer: Can't claim legal rights to anyone but maybe the sis.

Feedback: welcome.

Author's Note: Tis my first btvs fic so...tis au, uhm no dawn think most things are eventually explained....faith's pov....hint of a few couplings might be bit offensive to some..

r&r please. preferably no flames but....cc welcome, tis almost always useful.



I'm lying on her couch again even though I promised myself I wouldn't. I'm a broken shell of myself again. The me that loved her, the me she loved, hurt again, heart torn and bleeding on a dirty floor. Dammit. Why do I keep letting myself get hurt like this time after time? Silent tears prick my eyes. I feel her as she walks into the room quietly. No matter how quiet she is I'll always know when she's in the same room as me, I can feel her. Sometimes I'm thankful for it and others I wish I'd never meet her but then I'd never know how happy she could make me, when she wanted. She whispers my name softly and my heart melts yet again, why can't it just stay frozen around her like it should? It stayed frozen around everyone till her, and now it's rarely frozen. Her voice speaks my name a little louder. God, why does she affect me like this? Haven't I paid enough, gone through enough to be free to not be in this endless torment? I thought we'd figured it out hadn't we? We'd stay away from each other only meeting to save the world or something. We'd ignore our feelings, ignore our hearts and keep on going like nothing had ever happened. Forgetting those blissful two days before everything went to hell. But we keep getting drawn together against our wills. She says my name again, her voice emotional and no longer low. Damn her sweet strong honeyed voice. Damn it and her soft smooth supple skin, damn everything about her that makes my heart race and burn at the merest thought sound or touch. I turn around part of my mind screaming at me to ignore her, and save myself from the pain that always follows her. The pain that effects everyone she knows. Pain doesn't follow me, but hurt and sorrow does with those few that get close and that forever dwells within me gnawing at my conscience. I can't ignore the feelings of others like she can. I envy that about her sometimes but then I remember the pain she leaves in her wake the pain she weaves into other's souls. I turn ignoring my brain and my heart, I turn and look into those deep soulful eyes, the eyes that can melt me with just a glance. The eyes on the face I'll love for an eternity. I tried god believe me I tried. I can't. I can't stop loving her, no matter what, I've tried almost everything to stop. It's an endless all consuming addiction that hurts so. I won't ever be able to stop and we both know it. She walks closer to me sitting on the table and with her ever beautiful eyes asks me to sit up. She uses no words, she doesn't need to. Never has. I comply my heart racing. Unconsciously but oh so tortoursly she leans closer her lips drawn to mine. She knows I can't stop, I never could and I know she won't even though she can. Our lips meet in a gentle embrace that sends warm shivers through my body and sends a pang through my heart, because I know she doesn't love me, I know that I'll be hurt more, I know that she doesn't feel what I feel. She just wants some warm lips to press her lips against, a warm body to keep her company for a little while. Maybe she doesn't have a heart, maybe that's how she can string me along like this and never feel any remorse or guilt. Maybe I'm just weak falling for the first person that showed me a bit of care. She used to care. Used to care a lot. I'm not sure what changed her but her heart left, taking her soul. She still fought the good fight for the good cause, but she didn't care anymore. It scared me at times. I knew if she switched sides I'd never be able to fight her. I know she'd win. My heart stops it's painful beating and slams into my chest hard, damn it's starting already. It gets earlier and earlier each time we meet, each time we touch. Damn, just one kiss is all it takes to break my heart now. I'm surprised it can still beat, with all the beatings and breaking it's taken. It slinks back as she says those life altering words. She always does that. Always says something to me, something to make me forget for awhile. Wordlessly I crawl into her arms as she sits next to me on the couch. Damn me and my frail emotions. It's gonna hurt like hell as soon as she starts to leave and I can't stop. I'm back in her arms a muddle of clay for her to shape and play with at her will. She sighs content as she strokes my hair. My submission always pleases her, so does my pain, and so does my rare refusals, my rare strength. Against my will my mouth opens and the words I've tried so long to deny, the feelings that go with them are the very feelings I've tried so hard to destroy. I admit once again what we both know, what once used to scare her, what once used to please her and can now occasionally make her stop.

"I love you."

"I know." Her voice is soft guarded. She's lost her emotions again. Everytime I show mine she hides hers again. She never shows them all anymore. Maybe she's afraid it'll hurt too much. I used to be able to hide mine, but not around her. She brought all my walls all my defenses down and I can't build them up again. Maybe if she'd leave me alone I could eventually but she always shows up and they're destroyed even further. Slowly our heads turn around and our eyes meet. I can see the pain in her eyes and the sympathy. I haven't seen sympathy in those eyes in so long. Her eyes still retain some traces of a soul and emotions but day by day they grow colder. Slowly she leans in and I rise up knowing the pain to come but still needing what was coming even more. Our lips meet again in a sweet gentle embrace that gradually builds up, growing stronger, gaining momentum, our bodies are shifting, allowing the other more access, our needs grow and start to overwhelm. We both need release. Neither of us will deny it, but it shouldn't come with such a price. Slowly our shirts fall away. Breathlessly she protests as I kiss her neck. She protests against what our bodies want, what they need. She protests using a fear and a reason we hold dear in our hearts but ignore time after time submitting ourselves to the pain again. She likes pain, as I used to. Maybe I rubbed off on her too much.



"We...shouldn't be doing this." Her voice is a moan against my face. I know she wants this. I know she needs it, I know I need this.

"Why not?"

"You know why." She sighs and pushes me up. Damn. Why can't you let yourself go? I know you want it I know you need it. Why do you keep doing this to me, to you?

"Neither of us need this now. This isn't the way things should be." Maybe you're changing back into who you used to be. Maybe you can care now.

"No but nothing is is it? Nothings right. Everythings wrong and you know it." My tone is hurt my emotions showing again. Damn I need to work on that. She looks down as she pulls her shirt on guilty. Haven't seen that in awhile on her face at least. It always seems to be on mine though.

"You want me, you want anyone, you don't want me, you don't want anyone, you push me away, you run to me, you push everyone away, and then you crawl away. We might be special, I might have supernatural powers but our hearts are all too human and you cannot just play with us this way. You can't do this to us and expect us not to care, not everyone's as lucky as you. We all can still feel and care. And you don't make it any easier. This hurts. All of it hurts us. Our hearts hurt with each each beat around you." My voice which had started out strong and angry ends softer and more pained. I momentarily regret the pain I cause her that flickers oh so quick across her face but I remember my pain and the way everyone else feels and I know that it's for the better. Maybe she'll realize our pain and stop or maybe she'll start feeling again. I pull my shirt on quickly before leaning down to pull my boots on. Standing silently I fold the blanket not looking at her and place it on the end of the couch. I keep my voice steady as I talk to her still not looking at her.

"I'm going to go look for her again." I glance over her intending to take my gaze away soon but I stop when I see her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"I uh came to tell you...." Her voice falters but my gaze doesn't betraying neither my emotions nor the sudden plumet of my heart doused with cold fear. She seems apologetic compassionate and saddened. To see her like this was so rare, she'd forsaken these emotions so long ago.

"To tell you that we found her. She's dead. I'm sorry. A car. It plowed her through, she didn't mean too. Xander tried to save her but he couldn't. They're not sure if he'll make it either. I'm sorry. I should have been there to save her, I know. I'm sorry. I couldn't. I'm sorry." My world crashes down around me swiftly and painfully. It almosts drowns out the pain she caused before. I struggle to maintain a grip on reality.

"No." My lips struggle to open, to let sound out.

"She can't be. No" Tears prick my eyes as I struggle past her, my legs unwilling to work, I struggle past her weak half hearted attempted to stop me, to hold me back and comfort me. I run out of the house my mind screaming 'No she can't be dead, no. Not now. Not after all this time.' Countless thoughts, moments, memories of her fly through my head as I run to the hospital. I'd only just found her. They'd never told me, they said it was a mistake, that she was a mistake. She was the best mistake I'd ever seen in my life. I still can't believe they gave her away, I was too young to remember. She was ten minutes younger than me. I never knew. No one ever told me I had a sister. No one ever told me she was gone. No one ever imagined she was hurt alone and scared. No one ever cared. No one could've imagined that even with all her pain, she could still love and forgive so much. No one knew just how angelic she could be, she never could hurt anyone. I know they all took advantage of that and her. I hate them now more than I ever did. They hurt her, they hurt me. I could've saved her. But they didn't tell me. If it weren't for her I'd have killed them. She can control my rage. I can almost taste the fear on my lips. I speed up for the last few paces to the hospital and slam painfully into the nurses station, my heart seemingly going farther before bounding back roughly. I stop out of breath, my heart beating dangerously fast with fear and adrenaline. I blurt out her name as she looks up upon hearing my not so quiet enterance. I can see and almost feel the pity that emanates off her. She must be new. She'll lose some of that empathy over the years they all do. Part of me wants to hit her as she looks at me, the part that still hates pity, the part of me that's so fiercely independent, the part that wants nothing to do with others, the part she had slain before. The part that has become her and more now. For a little while we were happy, then it all changed.

"She's in room 3. I'm sorry." Numbly I turn away to slowly make my way down the long hall. My heart beats in fear and my mind hopes but my brain and heart know she's dead. They can feel it. I head towards her room wrapped up in my fear and pain. So wrapped up in them I didn't even notice him standing there, broody as ever.

"It's not pretty." His voice is soft and compassionate. I'd never figured a vampire could feel those things or even act them. I'd never thought I'd befriend him either. He did have a soul, but he was still a vamp. One of the very things I was born to kill. I pass him by silently not caring for his advice nor his care. I can feel his gaze follow me down the hall but he stayed by Xander's door. She'd probably made him promise to guard him. You never knew in this town, you never knew what would happen to someone. And knowing Xander as soon as he found out he'd go guilty and a bit crazy. He'd loved her. Of all the guys I'd ever known he'd be the only one I'd ever trust to be with her. I know Angel wants to follow me and to protect me I can feel it, it's in his gaze and his pity oozes out. I never asked for it and I certainly don't want it, but I'm not in the mood to argue with him now. An orderly dressed in pressed white stops me a few paces before the door. I want to scream 'Just let me the hell through, I need to see her.' and to clock him one, even if he moved out of my way.

"I'm sorry ma'am but only family's allowed...." I want to puch him and his puny little know it all face in and smatter blood over that pristinely white suit and over the tiles. I restrain myself but let my anger show through my voice.

"She's my sister, you ass." The words are forces out through clenched teeth and drenched in anger and threat.

"Oh sorry." He steps out of the way quickly, I wonder if he can feel the emotions rolling off me. It doesn't matter. He scampers away quickly glancing back at me every few paces to see if I was following him, but he wasn't worth it. I walk forward and stop in front of the door.

"Yea right." I take a deep breath and reach a shaky hand out to the door. Time slows as my hand nears it and pushes it after a moment's hesistation, a moment of fortification. The room smells of blood, newly dead. It still has a bit of a pulse left, that'll die away soon and the blood will be completely dead, like her. My heart stops as I see her lying there angelicly admidst all the blood and machinery. Her body is prone on the cold steel table and my knees weaken as I stumble towards her. Hot heavy tears are already building up dangerously close to spilling as I clasp her nearly cold hand and bring it to my face. I gaze at her angelic face lying peaceful though covered in scrapes and blood. I barely hear her enter the room but I can feel her emotions. The fear and sorrow, it tells me that she did it. She killed her. I control my rage, she wouldn't want it. I couldn't not in front of her. She deserved that much. Knowing her she probably wasn't even mad at her. Damn her and her forgiveness, her and her big heart. She slowly comes closer, she should know better by now she should know me. Her voice is weak and wavery as she speaks. I used to like her, with her lack of tact, she'd made me laugh a few times especially when it irritated the others. I never trusted her though, she was after all one of those popular cheerleaders. They only looked out for themselves doing whatever neccessary to keep themselves popular, god I hated them. Now Red, Red I liked and I trusted. Red was cool. I wouldn't want her at my back in a fight but not because she would stab it or run for fear but because she would do her best to help even if it meant certain death and because she was better off the field and I didn't want her to get hurt. Red was the closest thing I've had to a real friend in well ever besides my sister but she was friends with everyone and she was my sister so technically she didn't count. B had been my friend once upon a time, after she learned to trust me a bit and had gotten used to me but I was already in love with her then. Then one day I'd kissed her, I hadn't meant to, we were training and it just sort of happened, I ran then, ran from SunnyD, better known as SunnyHell in my opinion, she'd chased after me, brought me back told me she hadn't minded the kiss she was just a bit shocked then, that she'd been thinking, I'd bitten back a quip at that one, it hadn't been the time then. She'd said she had feelings for me as well then she kissed me again one kiss lead to another and another and that lead to something we should have waited for. I've regretted not stopping that night ever since, we weren't ready for it yet, I didn't regret making love to her, just when we'd done it. It's still weird to say 'make love' instead of just saying 'sex' or other terms, but there is no other real term for what we did that night and the next day or maybe there is and I just don't know it yet. She left while I was sleeping, didn't bother to wake me and avoided me for a week, it was hell to corner her, and that week was a hell I never wanted to visit again, but I've gone through worse hells for and because of her since then one or two of them even making that look desirable. She'd apologized for avoiding me, saying she hadn't known what do to anymore, I was confused hurt and starting to get angry. She said she'd thought it would be best for us to just be friends for awhile, till we could get everything all sorted out. That's about the time she started changing killing her heart and her emotions, I tried, hell we all tried to help her but she wouldn't let anyone near enough to do anything. Sometimes after patrols, she'd come back to my place, but it wasn't love, just sex for her just like it had been for me for years, it hurt me but I couldn't say no to her, I was never able to say no to her. She knew it to, maybe I had to pay for the things I did before or in another life, I honestly don't know, but no hell nor any person could hurt me more than she could, no person could have ever made me as happy as she could either. One by one they all slowly found out, they tried to help me too, but it never worked. I couldn't stop and she wouldn't. Vicious little cycle we had going and she was enjoying the hell out of it, just like I would've before. I tried avoiding her and that had worked for awhile, she'd tried to help me out with that but neither of us could stop and evil didn't want to rest and let us heal.

She starts to speak again the fear and sorrow pouring off her, it was almost sickening, we both knew that no matter what she did I'd never really forgive her but she had to try. I respected that about her in a sense.

"I'm sorry. I.....didn't....mean too....I'm sorry." She stops, pained and worried. Enraged I slowly turn, wouldn't want to kill her from a heart attack in front of my sister. She cowers not looking at my face as I look at her.

"You did this to her? You killed her." I ask even though we both knew the answer, we both knew I knew already. Her actions and words spoke loudly. Guiltily she looks at the floor unable to speak. My voice becomes harder and harsher. It's starting to get hard to restrain myself and I don't want to kill anyone, not in front of my sister. I know it won't solve anything, it'll only get me into trouble, she wouldn't want that. And Giles wouldn't like it much either. I think I hang around him too much. He's starting to rub off on me and it's getting noticeable.

"Get out." She opens her mouth fearfully trying to find words to express her grief and sorrow but no words in the world will ever fix this, no words will ever make me forgive her.

"Out now." My voice and control is wavering. Meekly she looks at me begging for forgiveness.

"Leave. Don't let me ever see you again. I won't be able to hold back. I don't want to, for her sake and no other reason."

"I'm sorry." Her last words are hushed as she walks out. I restrain from yelling at her, hurting her. Her conscious will haunt her for the rest of her life. I'll have to check to see if the police are going to charge her.

She looks back one last time, sorrowed and pained. I ignore her but wait untill she's gone till punch the wall and knock the table over. Damn them, Damn everyone. She didn't deserve to die. I grab the chair slightly calmer saving my anger for later and sit staring at her, she was still so beautiful.

I feel rather than hear her walk up to the door, my attention on my sister again. Cautiously she opens the door unsure of what to do. What a laugh, B unsure of what to do. I stand up and stare at her hurt and lost. She walks toward me wrapping her strong protective arms around me. They encircle my waist and hold me steady. Her smooth cheek rests next to mine trying to comfort me in her own way. It always works. Never the way I want but it works. She can always get me to do what she wants. I try to resist as I always do but as usual it's to no avail. I turn slightly and let my legs buckle. She guides me down gently hugging me. She moves her chin to the top of my head and rubs my back gently, soothingly. It's so tempting to cry but it's a weakness. It's so hard to stop. I used to do it all the time untill I got so tired of it and realized it never really helped. It only gave them more power, power they didn't need. I gave crying up then and I've never regretted it. I'd forgotten what it felt like but I yearned to feel the hot tracks on my cheeks and the stinging salt on my tongue and the burning in my eyes. Her voice is soft and gentle as she makes shushing sounds that barely reach my mind through the heavy layer of grief that clouds it. In spite of myself I can't help but smile a little. I'd have slugged pretty much anyone else who'd tried to hug me cept for her, her and my sister. But she was dead now. B had a long list of exceptions in my book, she was the only one to break my shell and hurt me so bad and still have me love her. Her voice breaks through the grief again.

"It's ok to cry. It's not a weakness. It actually shows strength. And it helps. You can't bottle this all up. You need to get it out, preferably without killing someone. If you keep it all in it will kill someone, maybe you maybe someone else. Crying helps. It really does. It doesn't show weakness. I promise. And I won't tell anyone if you want." No matter how she'd hurt me, no matter how bad I'd felt these last few years I hadn't broken down and cried. Taking her advice I let a tear slip, and once the one falls the whole dam breaks and they all pour out. They sting my eyes and burn my face but it feels so good, so liberating. I grin slightly through my tears, amazed at her yet again. Just when you know her she throws a curveball. She's reverting back to her old self again. Of course it could just be my imagination but it doesn't feel like it.

"You know something B? You're right. I'm gonna hafta do this more often" She smiles at me ruefully, I can just see her beautiful face out of the corner of my teary eye.

"What and break your tough girl rep?" I smile slightly back, wondering at why even though my heart hurt like hell and the crying hurt why I still felt a little better. I say her name softly my voice tentative my throat a bit scratchy another downside of crying along with the dampness and the whole wimp factor. But if she said that it didn't make one a wimp then it didn't so it must be ok to cry sometimes.

"What?" Her voice is kind and compassionate, like before. My heart beats in hope she's reverting, I don't think I could deal with her the way she's been the last year or so and my sisters death.

"Why?" My voice is soft and plaintive as I beg an answer.

"I don't know. Cordy didn't mean to. That's all I know. I know it's hard to believe and even harder to forgive her but you have to remember what she would've wanted, what she would have done."

"It's just so hard. She didn't deserve to die."

"I know. But she's in heaven now, no pain."

"You sure?"

"Anyone deserved to go to heaven it was her. I don't have a single doubt that that's where she is."

"Thanks B."

"Anytime Faith." I move closer to her, I need her warmth and assurance, for how ever long she'd give it to me. I knew it would be a long path but I'd make it. It would be hard but I'd do it, for my sister. I wouldn't give up now, not after all she went through without me and for me.

"If you're up to it, I have to talk to you." I nod nervous.

"I know I've been acting bitchy and cruel but I was afraid. I was afraid of what I was feeling what I was doing, afraid of what might happen. I was afraid to share my heart. I'm sorry. Life's too short and I can't stand to be like that anymore."

"I'm not quite following you, B."

"I'm apologizing for the way I've been behaving especially to you. I should never have done what I did. I'm sorry. I want to fix it, to fix us."

"Us?" My voice is bewildered just as I am. Last time I'd checked there was no 'us' just two slayers that couldn't stay away from each other.

"I want to make it right again. I've never stopped, I was just so afraid I hid it. I didn't want to be hurt again.

I'm sorry." I look at her somewhat blankly hoping against all hope.

"I still love you Faith." I'm sure that if it was possible my jaw would've dropped through the floor as she says the words she's never said to me before. She leans forward and gives me a gentle kiss and I don't kiss back, I don't need to.

"I'd understand if you didn't want to anymore. I wouldn't blame you after the hell I put you through. If I were you I wouldn't."

"I do. It's just..."

"I know. I'm not going anywhere. Take it all at your speed. No faster than you need or want. I promise. I'll be here for you, whatever you need."