Disclaimer: I do not own the show or characters. All I own is the writing and most of the story (aside from what's mentioned that took place in the show).
Author's note: I was in the mood to write tonight and so, this one-shot kind of happened. I've been thinking about the scene in episode six of season five where Lorna and Nicky are in the cafeteria talking after their little sexcapades and kind of wanted to base my one-shot around that, but the aftermath of their heated conversation. May not be the best but hope its somewhat enjoyable. Reviews are always appreciated.
Yearning Desire
Tears stained Nicky's eyes as she entered her bunk. The deep love that she had for Lorna only proving to cause her pain. She should have never allowed herself to have sex with her in the custodial closet; she should have known it was too good to be true. But, of course, she let herself act on impulse and have her way with the woman she loves deeply—the woman she wishes would return that love.
Her tears soak the pillow underneath. She hates that she's the blame for this. Why did she have to give in to her addiction? The actions she chose are what irritate her the most—she willingly let herself get hurt and that alone makes the pain much more vivid for her. The love she has for Lorna—it's something she knows she can't push away. No matter how angry that woman makes her, she knows her love for her will never cease.
The sensation of another body sinking into the mattress next to her immediately gains Nicky's attention. She slightly turns her face and feels a rush of anger when her eyes meet with Lorna's—the very woman who brought her running back to her cube. "What the fuck do ya want?" Her body shoots up and tears are quickly replaced with anger.
"Nicky, please just listen for a minute…please?" Lorna pleads, her brown eyes gazing desperately up into the taller woman's. Her hand cautiously reaches over to place on the other's.
Yanking her arm roughly out of the brunette's grasp, Nicky shakes her head. The last thing she needs is to listen to another one of her insane explanations on why the two of them can never possibly be together. She glares heatedly back into the Italian's orbs. "I don't wanna fucking hear it, kid. I can't do this with ya anymore. Either you love Vinny or me—ya just…ya can't fuck around like this anymore. I don't want any part of it. Just get the hell outta my cube, yeah?"
Those words shatter Lorna's heart, but she does her best to not show such. Instead, she only walks closer to the redhead and grabs onto her arm—forcing her to look her in the eyes. "Listen to what I have to say and then if ya really want me gone, I'll go—okay? Please just give me a chance first," her voice softly murmurs.
"Look, kid, I've given ya plenty of damn chances and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. Every time you ruin it and fucking crawl back to Vinny. I'm over that shit. There isn't anything you can say that will change that. I don't wanna hear about how you made vows to him. You know—I fucking spent the past year and a half looking out for you and this asshole's known ya a whole what – month – and ya think that's long enough for him to actually love you? Fucking bullshit is what I say that is. That man will never love you even half as much as me, Lorna. The anger you make me feel isn't enough for me to stop loving you and that fucking hurts. It hurts loving someone who won't return it, ya know?"
Nicky sighs, softening her eyes a smidge. She tilts her head as she gazes across into the brunette's now tear-rimmed orbs. "Course' ya know what that's like, yeah? Fucking loved that Christopher man and he never even gave ya a second date? It's not a nice feeling."
Hearing the clear pain emanating out from Nicky's voice brings a guilty pang to Lorna's chest. She knows the woman's right. She doesn't deserve another chance with her. It's her fault she's hurting. "I'm sorry, hon—I really am. But I—"
"I don't wanna fucking hear it! Get out, Lorna. I don't wanna deal with this shit a yours anymore. It's never ending."
A good cry into her pillow later, after she reluctantly yelled at Lorna to leave, Nicky finally pushes herself out of her bunk and down the hall towards the cafeteria. The only thing she knows will keep her from losing it is a much-desired cup of coffee and maybe a chat with Red. The Russian matron always seems to know just what to say to ease away the rage.
The cafeteria is buzzing with inmates, Nicky notices—it's not much of a surprise, however, it seems to be one of the popular hangouts since the start of the riot. She rolls her eyes at some of the petty conversations that hit her ears as she walks past groups of people. Once she makes her way into the kitchen, she sighs heavily at the mess that she walks into. She has no clue where to start looking for a coffee pot or mug for that matter. So much for that coffee, she grudgingly thinks.
"Just cause' there's a riot doesn't mean you girls can come waltzing back here whenever ya want," Gloria yells out from her spot in the back, eyes watching the redhead with skepticism. "Kitchen's already a shit-pile, don't need you adding to it."
"I'm not here to make a mess—I just needed a cup of coffee. But I can see that's not possible, can't find shit in this mess."
The Hispanic inmate expels out a breath of air. She takes in the redhead's stance, easily noticing the faint tear-stains on her face that informs her she's been crying. Naturally, maternal instincts kick in and she starts rummaging through the muddle. Only a few minutes of searching has her come across what she needs; she grabs the coffee maker out from under the debris and brings it over to the only clear spot on the counter—plugging it into an outlet.
Her brown orbs avert back over to Nicky. "Look, I'll make ya a cup. You look like you really could benefit from one."
Nicky sighs, shaking her head. She leans over the messy counter, eyes staring out towards the women who bombard the cafeteria. Not even twelve hours ago was she sitting out there listening to Lorna's words about how their sex-session was only due to her pregnancy hormones. Rather fake pregnancy hormones, she thinks with a groan—couldn't even take a test to find out. "If only coffee could cure me for good," she mutters, her eyes not moving from their gaze.
"Ya really love her, huh?"
Eyes wide with puzzle, Nicky rapidly averts her attention back towards the Hispanic woman. She folds her arms over her chest and stares at her intently. "Love who? What're ya talking about? You like hardly know me, Mendoza—how would ya know who I love or don't love?"
Gloria grabs a rather large container of ground-up coffee and scoops out enough to make a whole pot. She places the coffee grinds into the filter, putting it in the pot and turning it on to brew. While the pot does its job, she turns to stare back at the younger inmate. "Morello—the little Italian woman, yeah? Everyone knows by now that you're in love with the girl. But she married that guy—what the hell's his name?"
"Vinny, that's who she married. Fucking sent some stupid letters to him and thinks that's love? I don't get it—how can she fall in love with him so quick? She barely knows the guy and now she's married to him."
"Ah, Vinny, I knew it started with a V," the other nods, brushing a hand through her short brown hair. She sighs. "I don't know her well or nothing, but I don't think she's that in love with him. My words may not mean anything to you, but I think she chose him to fill a void that having you sent to max caused her. It's not your fault for being sent there but she really did have a hard time those first few weeks without ya here, Nichols. Everyone could see that. If ya want my advice, I say don't give up on her just yet."
Nicky shakes her head. That's the last thing she wants to hear—the last thing she wants to do. Her heart can't take anymore rejection, she knows. "I can't force her to love me. Why waste my time trying?"
Taking a plastic brown mug from the dry dish-rack, Gloria walks back over to the freshly-brewed coffee and pours it into the cup. She carries it over to the redhead, gently handing it to her. Her eyes peer into the other's with a faint persistence; she places a comforting hand over the shorter woman's shoulder. "Deep down, she loves you the same way. I mean I ain't that close with either of you girls, but I can see that the two a ya are meant for each other. I just—there's a gut-feeling telling me that she loves you and will choose you over Vinny. So, don't give up on her yet."
Gratefully grabbing the steaming cup of her most-favored beverage, Nicky sighs while bringing it to her lips for a much-needed sip. "She did say she wanted to tell me something…but I yelled at her to leave. Fuck, I don't think I've ever been so rough with her. But I just—I'm sicka her always choosing some low-life man over me. I'd give my life for her, that's how fucking much I love her. What the hell would this stupid ass Vinny do, huh?"
"That's why ya can't give up on her. Drink that coffee and then go find her and hear her out. Ya never know, she might just confess her true feelings for you."
Lorna solemnly sits in the nearly vacant chapel. It's too late she realizes. Her underlying love for the redhead showed up just a smidge too late, she sighs. Why did she have this awful trait? The ability to hurt the people she loves most without even seeing it. All those conversations where she mindlessly rambled on and on about Christopher and now Vinny—it only continued to damage the redhead's already sore wounds, she sadly thinks. That's all she's good at anymore. Hurting everyone around her. There's no way she'll come back from this. Nicky won't take her back and the last thing she wants is to stay married to her husband—who she can't say she ever truly loved the way she claimed.
It's not long before the petite brunette's brought out from her self-destructive thoughts by the sound of the door's opening. Her eyes pop open and stare in that direction. A lump forms in her throat when she sees that it's Nicky who's come to join her. She watches closely as the redhead makes her way down the row of seating until she's hovering in front of her.
"What did ya wanna tell me?"
The brunette gulps. She gazes up at her skeptically. Brown orbs search the taller woman's. There's nothing but deep interest hiding in the other's eyes, she realizes. A small sigh escapes. "I'm real sorry for hurting ya so much, hon—I didn't mean to, honestly. I'm bad at not seeing what I do to people, I know. You don't deserve to hurt, Nicky," Lorna softly says, very cautiously moving a hand over to place onto the redhead's.
Letting out an exasperated breath, Nicky folds her arms over her chest and stares sternly down at the Italian. Her eyes blink rapidly; she bites the inside of her mouth to control her emotions. "That all ya wanted to tell me?"
Lorna swallows a lump, slowly shaking her head. She bows her head to hide her face from the other. "No, there's more…but I'm not sure you'll believe me. I don't deserve anymore chances, though, anyway. You're right—I've ruined it. I hurt ya too much, Nicky, and I can never apologize enough for that—"
"Lorna, look, I was pissed when I said that shit to ya. You have hurt me a lot but it's not entirely your fault, kid, I let myself believe I'd have a chance with you—and that's on me. Now, please, just fucking come out with it."
The brunette continues to stare down at the ground; she lets her shoes lay atop the hard floor. "I love you. I do—the entire time you were locked in max, all I really wanted was-was for you to come back so I could tell ya. But then, after a while, I got real lonely and couldn't take it anymore, so I sent letters to men and found Vinny. I never loved him like I love you, Nicky. He wasn't you. I'm sorry for wasting your time and hurting ya. I know I don't deserve to be with ya."
Tears slowly brimming Nicky's orbs, she stares down at Lorna with a mixture of love and anger. Her hand reaches down to the brunette's chin, pulling it up so that they're gazing directly into each other's eyes. "Why the fuck would ya marry him if you don't love him? Why would ya play with people's hearts like that, huh Lorna? You hurt not just me but him, too."
Lorna pulls her knees up to her chest, burying her face in them and feels a sob slowly coming to the surface. The other's words are painful to digest because she knows they're nothing more than the truth. "I'm fucked up, Nicky. Too fucked up; I'm sorry. I don't deserve you or him. You're both too good for me and-and all I've done is caused ya both pain. Why don't ya go search for a better person to love? Ya deserve someone who will choose you first, Nicky. Besides, ya don't need some bat-shit crazy person like me anyway," she tearfully mumbles through her sleeve, pushing herself up out of the chair and dragging herself to one of the doors.
A strong sense of compassion overthrows the anger. Nicky immediately jumps up and follows after her, grabbing her arm and pulling her in for a tight embrace. She squeezes her tight, letting her tears flow freely from her eyes. "Fuck, Lorna—baby, that's not what I meant! I know ya can't help this…I just, I fucking let my anger control my words before I could process anything."
Her arms tighten around the brunette's faintly trembling body, she drops a tender kiss onto her forehead. Eyes gaze down softly into Lorna's, it breaks her heart to see the trepidation that seep through hers. "I love you so much. I know you're crazy and a tad-bit fucked-up but ya know so am I and everyone else in this shithole of a prison. I ain't too good for you; you're a good person, Lorna, you are. But you need help—which this stupid place isn't doing shit about. Is this, is this why you claimed to love Vinny? You thought you weren't good enough for me?"
"I don't think, I know I'm not good enough for ya. All I do is hurt you, Nicky, and burden ya. I don't wanna do either a those things. It's not fair to ya," the brunette shakily responds, gazing anywhere but at whom holds her.
Cradling Lorna's head against her chest, Nicky sighs sadly and shakes her head. It brings a pain to her heart knowing the only reason Lorna married Vinny was to not be a bother to herself. Her lips stroke tenderly over the brunette's forehead. "Oh, doll, ya shoulda just talked to me about this instead of pretending you were in love with Vinny. I woulda understood, kid. I mean I don't understand how the fuck ya could ever possibly believe a sweetheart like you isn't good enough for me, but I would have felt better knowing the real reason why ya chose not to be with me. We coulda worked through it and neither of us would be hurting right now, ya know? Yeah, you hurt me but ya also hurt yourself by hurting me. I told ya already that the love I have for ya, kid, it ain't going nowhere. No matter how much you've hurt me. If ya wanna move forward with me, I'm willing to do so. But from now on, we both have to be honest with each other. Ya hear?"
Lorna sniffles, nodding her head. She wraps her arms tight around the taller woman's neck and buries her face in the crook of it. "I'm sorry. I love you, hon. I-I'll do whatever I need to make it up to ya," she murmurs breathily against her skin, stroking her lips affectionately against it.
Pulling her closer, Nicky runs her hands softly through her disheveled brown waves of hair. To say she's grateful for running into Gloria would be an understatement. Had it not been for her, she might not be sitting here holding the woman of her dreams in her arms right now. She would have missed out on hearing that Lorna does indeed return her love. And that's the greatest feeling in the world, she realizes. "Stop being sorry. All that matters is that we both love each other and are going to move forward in a much more positive direction. You are absolutely worthy of being with me, and I don't ever want ya to feel that you're not. If you do start to feel that way, talk to me about it. I love you so much, precious doll, I wanna help ya in any way possible. You're my baby and I'll never stop loving you," she softly proclaims, her breath warm over Lorna's lips. Her fingertips brush delicately along her cheeks as she pulls her in for a fervent kiss.