Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 6
EPISODE 20
Airdate: April 9, 2018
"The One After WrestleMania"
Special Guest Stars: William Daniels as Mr. Robertson
#TYH620
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Garrett's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
The bell rings and RK starts leaving, but Wade stays behind.
RK: Dude, you're gonna be late for lunch.
WADE: Mr. Garrett wanted me to stay after class.
RK: After class? What did you do?
WADE: I didn't do anything. I'm Wade. I'm sure it's nothing.
RK: Alright, I'll see you in a bit.
RK leaves the classroom at that point.
MR. GARRETT: Wade, do you know why I had you stay behind?
WADE: No. I asked you the reason why and you said you wouldn't tell me until class was over.
MR. GARRETT: Sorry, I forget a lot. That's what my ex-girlfriend said. I mean, I can maintain a long-term relationship, but the fact is...
WADE: The clock is ticking, Mr. Garrett.
MR. GARRETT: Sorry, getting back on topic here. Anyway, you know how every year, all the science classes in the fourth grade have the taco contest?
WADE: Yeah, of course. We take weekly science quizzes and the class with the highest overall average gets free food from Taco Bell.
MR. GARRETT: Yeah, I don't need you to remind me of what the contest is. Anyway, I think our class has a great chance to win, but I feel like RK is going to bring our average down.
WADE: Don't you think you're overreacting?
MR. GARRETT: He's failed almost every test we've taken this year.
WADE: Hey, he passed a couple of them. That should count for something.
MR. GARRETT: Look, Wade, the contest is going to heat up any minute. This is the first year I have a chance to win. But if RK doesn't boost his grades, then we won't be winning anything.
WADE: So what do you want me to do about it?
MR. GARRETT: Tutor him. Try to share your knowledge with him. You guys are real buddies so he'll listen to you.
WADE: Mr. Garrett, I hear your concern, but RK just isn't the kind of person to study or do assignments or pass tests. I've tried hundreds of times to make him a better student, but it hasn't worked at all.
MR. GARRETT: Well, you have to make it work. If RK can't raise his average in this class, we lose the competition. Which means we don't get tacos. Which means my ex-girlfriend will be right all along about me being a failure, destined to live out the rest of my days as a hapless teacher in some rinky dink elementary school.
Beat.
WADE: Why do you always bring your personal problems to school?
SCENE 2
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The kids are eating ice cream without RK.
SPARKY: So Mr. Garrett wants you to tutor RK in science?
WADE: Yeah. We have this taco contest coming up and if RK doesn't start doing better in class, he'll bring down our average.
JAYLYNN: You realize you're better off telling Tiffany Haddish to keep a secret, right?
WADE: Look, the class is counting on me to help RK get his grades up. If I let him know what's at stake, it will probably motivate him to do better.
BUSTER: I don't remember hearing anything about the class counting on you.
WADE: It goes without saying.
SPARKY: Wade, you could try getting RK to study, but I hope you know that it shouldn't be about winning some contest. It should be about making him a better student.
WADE: Hey, I can keep things in perspective. I just have to figure out how to tell him. What if I lied to him?
A thought bubble appears above Wade's head, with him imagining lying to RK about helping him in science.
RK: Wade, why exactly are you doing this?
WADE: No reason. It has nothing to do with me trying to get your grades up so our science class can win the taco contest. Nothing at all.
RK: Dude, you just revealed your entire plan to me!
WADE: Yeah, I'm not very good at this.
The thought bubble disappears.
WADE: You know what? Forget it. I'll tell him the truth and he's gonna like it.
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are watching TV together that night.
SPARKY: Hey, look, an iCarly marathon.
BUSTER: You know, I've been meaning to ask. Did they ever say what day the web show was on?
SPARKY: What? What do you mean?
BUSTER: You know, when they had the iCarly web show. Was there ever an episode where they said what day they do it?
Beat.
SPARKY: Yeah, there was...you know, that one episode where...no. I don't think they ever did. That's so weird, why would they do that?
At that point, Bitch Clock walks downstairs and heads towards the kitchen.
SPARKY: Hey, Bitch Clock, Buster and I are trying to settle something. Was there ever an iCarly episode where they revealed the day they do the web show?
BITCH CLOCK: I don't know what makes you think I would know that, or care about it.
SPARKY: Damn, man, you don't have to be so harsh about it.
BUSTER: Yeah, go get drunk and throw it up in the toilet, you toaster oven.
BITCH CLOCK: Toaster oven?! You're lucky I have no idea if that's a racial slur or not.
Bitch Clock walks into the kitchen while Sparky and Buster continue watching TV.
SPARKY: Wait, is that a Starburst commercial?
BUSTER: Yeah, I think so.
The commercial depicts two college boys playing video games when another college boy walks in with a pack of Starburst.
COLLEGE KID: Guys, you have to try this new Starburst pack. They're all flavored like soda!
The boy passes the pack to his friends and they both eat one. They are instantly mesmerized by the taste.
COLLEGE KID #2: My mouth is tingling from the sensational flavor!
COLLEGE KID #3: Yeah, I really feel it.
COLLEGE KID #1: Do you both feel this?
The boy slaps both of his friends in the face.
COLLEGE KID #2: Ow! We felt that!
COLLEGE KID #3: Why did you do that?
COLLEGE KID #1: I don't know.
Cut to a shot of the Starburst pack and the different flavors in front of a yellow background.
VOICEOVER: Starburst Soda Pop. Taste the sensation.
SPARKY: Wow. Starburst that tastes just like soda!
BUSTER: Now hang on a minute. How do we know it really tastes like soda? This could just be media hype.
SPARKY: Yeah, you're right. These companies will do anything to get idiots to buy their products.
BUSTER: Yeah. But we're not idiots. We have brains from our heads all the way down to our piggy toes.
SPARKY: Damn right.
Beat.
BUSTER: Dude, I want to eat the shit out of that candy.
SPARKY: If we're not first in line at the corner store tomorrow, we should just end it all right there.
BUSTER: END IT!
The camera pulls back to reveal Bitch Clock having watched the whole thing.
BITCH CLOCK: See, this is why I'll never have kids.
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is sitting next to RK on the couch.
RK: Wade, you're really creeping me out tonight.
WADE: What makes you say that?
RK: Well, you've barely said anything to me, you're sitting really close to my person, and you keep putting my hand on your science book.
WADE: Maybe I want us to have a spiritual, scientific connection. You understand?
RK: You know what? I think I do. How could I have been such an idiot?
WADE: Man, don't beat yourself up. Anybody could have made that mistake.
RK: You want us to go back in time. I'm ready. Where are we going?
WADE: No, man, I want us to study together for science class.
RK: Really? Man, you need to do better with your subliminal messages.
WADE: Look, RK, if I explain why I want us to do this, will you be interested?
RK: Maybe.
WADE: Alright. Every year, as you know, the fourth grade science classes compete for a day of free food from Taco Bell. And since this is our best chance to win, Mr. Garrett wants me to tutor you and get your grades up.
RK: You want me to get a good grade in science just so you can dine on an Americanized version of Mexican food?
WADE: I can smell the Cheesy Gordita Crunch right now. Don't take this away from me.
RK: Wade, I understand your desperation, but can you remember a time where this has ever worked out before?
WADE: Yeah. In, um...in the year 2013.
RK: In 2013?
WADE: Yeah. You see, there are alternate universes with alternate realities from ours. In one reality, in 2013, I gave you a beating so great, you got on the honor roll.
RK: Really?
WADE: No, I literally just made that up.
RK: Uh huh. See, it's the same dance every time. I have to do better in school, you try to help me, it works for a while, then some crazy-ass shenanigans take place and one week later, we haven't learned anything.
WADE: You're exaggerating.
RK: So you don't remember the time where Homework Hal went psycho and tried to kill us both?
WADE: That was one time.
RK: Or the time you tried to change my grades in the school computer system?
WADE: I was trying to make up for breaking the code.
RK: Or the time you put that chip in my brain that allowed me to get an A on every test I took for a month, but then it malfunctioned and I almost went on a murderous rampage?
WADE: Wait, I thought I erased that memory from your brain.
RK: What?
WADE: Nothing.
RK: The point is, we've been down this road before. And I'm trying to help you and me by not doing this again.
WADE: Okay, but it's not going to be like all those other times.
RK: What makes you so sure?
WADE: Because I've figured it out. Those other times, I was trying to make you do better in school for good. This time, it's only temporary.
RK: I'm listening.
WADE: See, Mr. Garrett is the most pathetic teacher in school. If our class wins the taco contest, it will validate him. All I need to do is turn you from the worst student to one of the best students before the contest is over. Then when it's done, you go back to normal.
RK: So you're going all She's All That on me?
WADE: What did you just say to me?
RK: You know, that really old movie where this guy turns an ugly chick into a smoking hot babe and then he ends up falling in love with her? But then she starts getting too cocky and then he's like, "I created you!" So then he's like, "If I can't have you, no one can" and then he stabs out her internal organs?
WADE: I'm pretty sure you made up most of that.
RK: Wade, I'm trying to tell a story here. If you want to see the movie, go ahead and see it, but I'm just making the connection.
WADE: So what all this means is you're gonna let me help you?
RK: Yeah. I guess I could be Rachel Leigh Cook.
WADE: Alright. We can start hitting the books tomorrow. By the time I'm done with you, buddy, you'll be one of the top ten students in class.
RK: You think I could end up being the best in class?
WADE: That depends. Do you think you can slap Brock Lesnar without getting your ass kicked?
RK: No.
WADE: Well then, let's keep things in perspective here.
SCENE 5
Lucky Star Deli and Grocery
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster leave the corner store with their Starburst packs.
SPARKY: Buster, we're going to be a part of history. When we get old and have grandkids, we can tell them about the day we tried Starburst Soda Pop.
BUSTER: But I hate children. Why would I want my own?
SPARKY: You hate kids?
BUSTER: Kinda. I mean, I love you guys, but these kids don't appreciate shit.
SPARKY: Well, that's something to talk about in therapy, but why don't we just be a part of history?
BUSTER: Alright.
The boys open their packs, but Buster's eyes widen.
BUSTER: Wait! We can't eat these. Not this way.
SPARKY: What are you talking about?
BUSTER: I mean, this is one of the most important moments of our lives. We have to make it perfect.
SPARKY: Would it make you happy if there were singing birds and a ten-piece orchestra?
BUSTER: Sparky, please, this isn't a joke. I just mean we should eat it at the same time. We slowly put the Starburst on our tongues and chew it slowly to soak in the essence of the flavor. You know, like it's a TV show.
SPARKY: Buster, I'm not gonna lie to you. That sounds creepy as hell.
BUSTER: You just need to give it a shot. What's your first one?
SPARKY: I got Fanta orange.
BUSTER: Okay, I have Sprite. Let's do this.
Sparky and Buster slowly put the Starburst in their mouths and slowly chew them. Their eyes widen and they stare at each other with similar looks of bliss.
("Coolie High" by Camp Lo plays in the background)
Dissolve into a fantasy sequence where Sparky and Buster drive up to a jazz club late at night. They walk inside the club and are immediately surrounded by smoke and old men in fedoras while holding violins and saxophones. Buster takes out a quarter and flips it perfectly into the jukebox, which begins playing "Funny How Time Flies (When You're Having Fun)" by Janet Jackson. The boys get their own booth and slowly bob their heads to the song, and the scene dissolves into the present day where "Coolie High" has stopped playing, but they are still bobbing their heads by their lockers. A confused Jaylynn walks up to them.
JAYLYNN: Guys, what are you doing here? You missed first period.
BUSTER: Shhh, shhh, Jaylynn. The past can only be the past when it's not present.
SPARKY: So in a way, we're like the future?
BUSTER: Exactly.
JAYLYNN: What the f***?
SCENE 6
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade opens his science textbook while RK sits next to him.
WADE: Alright, RK, the taco contest is coming for us and it's not gonna wait for me to catch you up to speed. So let's get cracking.
RK: Wait, this book was published in 2008?
WADE: Yeah, what about it?
RK: That's stupid. Can't we get textbooks from this decade?
WADE: Welcome to the American educational system. Anyway, what I think we should do is get started by going through a bunch of basic questions. It's going to assess your skill level.
RK: Wade, when it comes to my skill level, I don't have one.
WADE: Well, in this case, we'll just see how low it is. Alright, now, what's the difference between a primary consumer and a secondary consumer?
RK: Well, primary is another word for first, so I guess they're the ones that kill secondary consumers when they stop caring about them.
WADE: No, that's...incorrect. See, a primary consumer is a herbivore. They eat plants, which are producers. Secondary consumers are carnivorous, and they eat the primary consumers.
RK: Wait, carnivores eat meat, right?
WADE: Right.
RK: So why would they eat animals that only eat plants? Wouldn't they want something more succulent and juicy?
WADE: RK, I don't think the food an animal eats has any effect on whether another animal eats it.
RK: Well, it should. If I'm part of the animal kingdom, I'm going after the biggest, baddest, meatiest animal that thinks they have it made. And then I'll say "What's up?" and shoot 'em down with all my might until they crumble under my dominance.
WADE: Animals don't have guns.
RK: If I was an animal, I would have one.
WADE: You know what? Let's just move on. If there are two magnets, with a north pole and south pole facing each other, will they attract or repel each other?
RK: That's easy. They both die.
WADE: You mean, repel?
RK: Yeah, of course.
WADE: Actually, they'll attract each other. When it comes to magnets, opposites attract.
RK: Are you kidding me? Well, how come in math, when there's a positive and negative, it's negative? But here, it's positive when they're not the same?
WADE: Because that's how science is. Okay, next question. What are the three stages of matter?
RK: Matter? Three stages of matter?
WADE: Yeah, you know what matter is. It's what takes up space. Matter makes up everything around you.
RK: Wade, could you stop talking like a PBS Kids show?
WADE: Dude, I'm trying to get your test scores up!
RK: Man, I get it. I matter, you matter. Everything's important in life, no matter what. You know what? I'm going to bed. These science questions make a kid tired.
RK leaves the couch and begins walking upstairs.
WADE: It's only 9:15!
RK: Then I'm just going to take a nap until Nick at Nite comes on. Wait a minute. If matter is everything around me, does that mean Earl is matter?
WADE: Technically, yes.
RK: Cool. My TV matters and it's made of matter. God, I love knowing things.
RK walks upstairs while Wade buries his face in his book.
WADE: I'm going to end up losing my hair doing this.
SCENE 7
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The kids are eating ice cream, but RK is nowhere to be found.
WADE: It looks like the only way my science class will be eating tacos is by stealing them from the other class' garbage can.
BUSTER: Wade, that's disgusting. Watch your mouth.
JAYLYNN: So I guess RK isn't being the A-student you always thought he was?
WADE: He just doesn't want to learn anything. He's so stubborn when it comes to school. The only thing he even understands is that matter is all around us.
SPARKY: So, you asked him three questions for a minute, and you already think all hope is lost?
WADE: How do you know all this? I never gave you that information.
SPARKY: You and RK are pretty damn predictable.
JAYLYNN: Wade, you have to understand that trying to get RK to study is like trying to climb Mount Everest or slamming a 500-pound gorilla. You'll probably fail, but you can't just quit after one day.
WADE: You're right. I just wish I knew how to get through to him.
BUSTER: Well, RK really liked Mr. Robertson. Maybe you could start doing what he did.
WADE: Buster, that's genius! Mr. Robertson is the only teacher that made RK do better in class. He's the key! I gotta go.
Wade runs out of the restaurant.
JAYLYNN: I bet he didn't even pay for his ice cream.
BUSTER: Hey Sparky, you want to take a candy break?
SPARKY: Crap, I thought you'd never ask.
Sparky and Buster pull out their packs of Starburst Soda Pop and start eating.
JAYLYNN: Wow, you guys are really into that new Starburst.
BUSTER: Who are you telling? This is our fourth pack each.
JAYLYNN: You guys have already eaten 36 pieces in two days?
SPARKY: What is this, a math lesson?
JAYLYNN: No, it's you two trying to experience type 1 diabetes. This candy is awful.
BUSTER: Jaylynn, this candy is part caffeine, part fruity flavor, and part...chewiness. How dare you try to ruin this for us?
JAYLYNN: I'm not trying to ruin anything for you. I'm trying to make sure you don't end up needing to breathe through an insulin tube.
BUSTER: Wait, they make those?
SPARKY: Jaylynn, we have self-control. In fact, we have so much self-control, we can stop eating this candy right now.
Sparky and Buster put their Starburst on the table and fold their arms.
SPARKY: See, there's nothing to it.
BUSTER: It's child's play.
SPARKY: It's straight kindergarten, my man.
BUSTER: Yeah, Jaylynn. Kindergarten.
JAYLYNN: Cool. I guess I'm wrong.
SPARKY: Yes, you are.
Beat.
BUSTER: So what do we talk about?
SPARKY: I don't know.
Beat.
SPARKY: Lots of tension in the world today, last I checked.
BUSTER: Really, what's going on over there?
SPARKY: Well, according to recent news reports, the Syrians, and, um, the Palestinians...they, um, are taking down the Israelis and...I don't know what the hell I'm saying.
BUSTER: I WANT THAT CANDY!
Sparky and Buster take their candy and start eating them again.
JAYLYNN: Guys, you have to fight this. You're strong.
SPARKY: Forget being strong, this is our life!
BUSTER: Starburst is God's candy!
Sparky and Buster run out of the restaurant.
JAYLYNN: I bet they didn't pay for their ice cream either.
SCENE 8
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, RK hears the doorbell and opens the front door to reveal Wade. Wade is wearing Coke-bottle glasses, a bowtie, and a long-sleeved button down shirt tucked into a pair of slacks.
WADE: Mr. Jennings, I expected you were coming.
RK: What are you talking about? You told me you were coming over so we could continue studying. Why are you dressed like that?
WADE: Don't worry about the strange attire, Mr. Jennings. My goal here is not to call attention to my clothing choices, but to maximize your academic potential.
RK: And why are you talking like some old wise guy with a beard grown over 500 years?
WADE: Mr. Jennings, this is about you trying to improve your grades. So let's get down to the nitty gritty.
RK: I can't remember the last time I was this disturbed.
WADE: Alright, Mr. Jennings, time to learn about the food chain. Now can a producer eat meat?
RK: No. It makes food, it doesn't eat food.
WADE: Exactly. Now, who eats producers?
RK: Consumers.
WADE: Mr. Jennings, I would like to know what kind of consumers eat producers.
RK: Which kind.
WADE: I beg your pardon?
RK: No, I mean, what you should have asked me is which kind of consumers eat producers, not what kind. I just feel like that's better for your sentence.
WADE: Are we doing this right now? I mean, seriously, are we really doing this?
RK: You broke character.
WADE: That's because you're starting to irritate the hell out of me! RK, the taco contest is right around the corner and if you don't shape up, Mr. Garrett is going to blame me for our class losing. He's probably going to fail me on purpose as revenge just so he could assert his dominance.
RK: Wade, I get you're trying hard, but acting like some college professor from the 1800s doesn't make me want to learn any of this stuff.
WADE: I was trying to act like Mr. Robertson. You know, the only teacher that was able to put some brains into your thick skull?
RK: I miss Mr. Robertson. He was way better at this stuff than you.
Beat.
WADE: You know what? Go f*** yourself. No wonder you'll never be good in school, because you know you can't!
Wade gets up and slams the front door shut.
RK: None of this makes you a better teacher, by the way.
WADE: Shut up!
SCENE 9
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Wade is at his locker talking to Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: You really said that to him?
WADE: Yeah. I don't know why it came out, but it did. I just lost it.
JAYLYNN: You're lucky he didn't beat the shit out of you. If it were me, you would be laying in a hospital bed needing morphine.
WADE: Why would you do that?!
JAYLYNN: Because RK had a point. Look, Wade, you're a genius, but you really have to work on your people skills. You can't be a great teacher if all you do is tell your students they can go f*** themselves.
WADE: But I want RK to do better. I know I can make him straighten up if I just figure out how to handle him.
JAYLYNN: Did you ever think about talking to Mr. Robertson? He might be able to give you some pointers.
WADE: I don't know. I mean, it might be a little weird.
JAYLYNN: Would it be any weirder than not having a best friend anymore because of some taco bullshit?
WADE: I guess not. I have to solve this problem before it gets worse.
JAYLYNN: Well, make sure you do it fast. It's time for us to get back to normal around here.
WADE: What are you talking about? You, Sparky, and Buster are doing just fine.
JAYLYNN: That's what you think.
Cut to Sparky and Buster eating Starburst in the boys' bathroom stall.
BUSTER: Sparky, don't you think we should have gotten different stalls?
SPARKY: Yeah, kinda. But then we wouldn't be able to talk about how dope this candy is.
BUSTER: Wait, I have an idea.
SPARKY: What?
BUSTER: Mix the Dr. Pepper one with the Mountain Dew one.
SPARKY: Dude, that's crazy.
BUSTER: Try it.
Sparky takes out the Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew Starburst, and mixes the two in his mouth. Cut to Manny standing outside the stall, having just entered the bathroom and is overhearing the conversation.
SPARKY: Whoa.
BUSTER: What did I tell you?
SPARKY: I should have trusted you. This is amazing.
BUSTER: Let's never leave this stall.
SPARKY: Yeah, this is where it's at.
Manny screams and starts yelling incomprehensible Spanish as he runs out of the bathroom.
SPARKY: Was that Manny?
BUSTER: Yeah, but no one cares about him.
SCENE 10
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Study Hall
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster walk into the room for study hall and see Jaylynn and Halley staring them down.
SPARKY: Buster, you see this? We're surrounded.
BUSTER: I got an idea. Let's just stand still for a really long time. They'll think we can't hear them, and then they'll leave us alone because they're so freaked out.
JAYLYNN: We're less than ten feet away from you. We can hear everything you're saying!
Buster begins to stand still.
*through clenched teeth* BUSTER: Are they buying it?
SPARKY: Look, guys, can you explain why you look like you're about to give us a beatdown?
JAYLYNN: It's your obsession with this stupid Starburst. It's messing with your heads.
BUSTER: Wow. A kid picking on other kids for eating candy. What is wrong with our country today?
HALLEY: You're not just eating candy, you're making it your whole world. Sparky, weren't you supposed to pick me up for a movie last night?
SPARKY: Yeah, but I was already busy.
HALLEY: Already busy doing what?
SPARKY: Already busy eating Starburst with Buster.
JAYLYNN: And Buster, we were supposed to catch up on The Fosters. But you didn't want to come over.
BUSTER: My body was trying to fulfill its candy needs. Besides, that show's going to end anyway. What will I miss when it's over?
HALLEY: Guys, we're just concerned about you. It's not healthy to eat this much candy all at once.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I heard the side effects some articles were talking about. Throwing up, blindness, male pattern baldness.
SPARKY: This whole thing sounds like those PSAs they used to put on channel nine.
BUSTER: Wait, hang on a minute. This candy's going to make us throw up?! How much? I want an estimate right now.
JAYLYNN: Can you just promise us that you're going to cut back a little?
SPARKY: If it makes you guys happy, then yes.
BUSTER: I don't know. What's in it for me?
HALLEY: Absolutely nothing.
BUSTER: Dude, not even a can of chicken noodle soup?
SPARKY: Buster promises to cut back too.
BUSTER: The Lord giveth and the redhead taketh away. I hate having friends that look out for me.
SCENE 11
The Robertson Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Wade rings the doorbell of Mr. Robertson. Robertson opens the door.
MR. ROBERTSON: Mr. Saltalamacchia. What a pleasant surprise.
WADE: Good afternoon, Mr. Robertson. Could I come in? I really need some advice.
MR. ROBERTSON: Sure. But it can't be for too long. I need my fix of WordGirl.
WADE: WordGirl? On PBS Kids?
MR. ROBERTSON: Mr. Saltalamacchia, such shows can appeal to mass audiences when they are written with substance and genuine charm. Now, what can I help you with today?
WADE: It's RK. I'm trying to help him get better grades in science so our class can win the taco contest. But he's not learning anything.
MR. ROBERTSON: Ah, the taco contest. You know, teachers become mentally insane over those kinds of things.
WADE: I know. That's why I have to make sure RK does the work. But I don't know how to help him.
MR. ROBERTSON: Mr. Saltalamacchia, for the short time I was able to observe your friendship with Mr. Jennings, it seems like you two really trusted each other. It was almost like you two were meant to be lifelong companions. You've never backed down from a challenge before. Helping your best friend should not be treated as a chore.
WADE: Yeah, but how can I help him when I don't know where to start? I just want to learn how to be more like you.
MR. ROBERTSON: Well, Mr. Jennings was one of the most unique and interesting students I had the pleasure of teaching, but you're not in my shoes, Wade. I was given the responsibility of taking a perpetual underachiever and pushing him to reach his highest level of academic ability.
WADE: And that's what I have.
MR. ROBERTSON: I wouldn't say that, because you are Mr. Jennings' most trusted friend. You can't treat him the same way I treated him. I was his educator and his instructor. You need to be his confidant and his supporter.
WADE: So I shouldn't try teaching RK, but I should just treat this like I'm hanging out with him?
MR. ROBERTSON: Exactly.
WADE: I can't believe this. Why didn't I think of it sooner? I mean, yeah, sure, I'm a really smart guy, but I tend to really over think things. It's like, I'm too analytical. And every time I try to acknowledge it, all I do is just become more...
MR. ROBERTSON: Wade?
WADE: Yeah?
MR. ROBERTSON: You're over thinking it now.
WADE: I thought so.
SCENE 12
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are watching TV together. They look miserable.
BUSTER: Sparky, this is stupid. I want that Starburst again.
SPARKY: I know you do, Buster, but we promised Jaylynn and Halley.
BUSTER: No, you promised them. You spoke on my behalf, so technically, I don't have to do it.
SPARKY: You really think that will hold up in court?
BUSTER: It should. Because I want to taste the sensation.
Bitch Clock walks in from outside.
BITCH CLOCK: You guys getting into anything crazy tonight?
BUSTER: No, it's the middle of the week.
BITCH CLOCK: Wow. Honestly, I never pay attention to what day it is. That's sucker shit.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, Buster and I have to stop eating Starburst Soda Pop. Otherwise, Jaylynn's going to stop being our friend and Halley's going to break up with me.
BITCH CLOCK: I thought you guys broke up months ago.
SPARKY: We never broke up. What made you think that?
BITCH CLOCK: I remember you two were throwing plates at the wall and screaming at each other while Wade was playing with a hula hoop. Wait, that was an LSD hallucination.
SPARKY: Anyway, we're trying to figure out ways to stop thinking about the Starburst so we don't get tempted.
BUSTER: Technically, we were supposed to cut back. They never said anything about not eating it at all, so we're still in the clear.
BITCH CLOCK: Buster, honey, I just want you to know that's the rationale of a crack fiend. Look, you guys need to stop focusing so much on how much you want the Starburst or you're just going to eat it again. Let me tell you a personal story.
BUSTER: Great, now the stupid clock's gonna preach to us from his f***ing diary.
BITCH CLOCK: Buster, I have shooters. See, back in the day, I didn't just drink, do drugs, and party. I wanted to become a professional actor.
SPARKY: Really?
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah. But it was damn near impossible to get any acting jobs.
BUSTER: Of course. I wonder why people in Hollywood wouldn't want to hire an alcoholic alarm clock with a criminal record.
BITCH CLOCK: Shooters. Anyway, my first big break was to be this talking alarm clock on a show Nick Jr. was developing. However, since I was going to be a children's star, I couldn't drink so much, so there were days where I wasn't even able to have a glass of wine.
SPARKY: How were you able to keep yourself from drinking?
BITCH CLOCK: I just channeled all that energy into other things. Building up muscle, meditating, trying to read a new book every week. I even stopped sweating as much as I used to.
SPARKY: Well, it looks like that show was a really positive thing for you.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, it was. Except three months later, I had a nervous breakdown, fell off the wagon, got fired, and the new show eventually turned into Blue's Clues. However, for those three months I tortured myself, I wasn't thinking about drinking. And you guys can do the same thing.
BUSTER: But Sparky and I can't go to the gym or sit around reading books. That's what Anja does.
BITCH CLOCK: Well, just do what smokers do. Chew gum to take your mind off what you really want. Here's some Juicy Fruit.
Bitch Clock gives Sparky and Buster two sticks of Juicy Fruit each.
SPARKY: It wouldn't hurt to try it.
BUSTER: Fine.
Sparky and Buster open a stick of gum simultaneously. They look at each other and start chewing. "Coolie High" begins playing briefly, but then the sound of a record needle scratching is heard as they spit out the gum into their wrappers.
BITCH CLOCK: You don't like the gum?
BUSTER: What do you think? That was horrible. Where's the smoky jazz club? Where are the old guys sleeping with sunglasses on? Where's the Janet Jackson song, Bitch Clock? Where is...the Janet Jackson song?!
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK: If I were you, I would just cut out all candy from my diet.
SCENE 13
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is answering science questions on a sheet of paper while Wade sits on a nearby chair with a timer.
WADE: Okay, that's enough time. How do you think you did?
RK: Shit. Look, Wade, I can't do this. You were right the whole time. I've never been cut out for school, that's why I can't do well.
WADE: No, man, it's my fault. I just lashed out at you because I always thought you could get good grades. But I was acting like your teacher when I should have acted like your friend.
RK: And you're a great friend. But I don't know. I need a break.
WADE: You want me to play some music?
RK: Sure. Whatever you got.
Wade opens his phone and looks for music to play. "One Man Show" by the Jonas Brothers starts playing through Wade's speakers.
RK: Dude, are you serious?
WADE: What? It's on shuffle mode.
RK: Yeah, but you listen to this in your spare time?
WADE: Kinda. It's not one of my favorite albums, but there are some nice tracks here.
RK: Please, One Direction has better songs than this.
WADE: Okay, don't say things you can't take back.
The song continues playing while RK and Wade stay silent.
RK: Wade, this song's gonna give me brain damage.
WADE: Man, just relax your mind. Go on YouTube, text Anna, I don't know.
KG walks downstairs and starts bobbing his head to "One Man Show."
KG: Dude, is that the Jonas Brothers?
WADE: Yeah.
KG: Man, they were dope back in the day. "One Man Show" was one of the first songs I learned to play on the guitar.
KG starts mimicking a guitar solo.
RK: You know, it's been a while since KG did something lame. I guess he was due.
KG: Shut up. At least I don't listen to trash like *NSYNC. They only had, what? One good album?
KG begins walking to the kitchen.
RK: Celebrity almost went double platinum its first week!
KG: Record sales don't equal quality, brother.
RK: Forget that boy. Alright, that's enough torture. I'm ready to do more work.
Wade stops playing the song.
WADE: Already?
RK: Yeah, as long as I don't have to hear that song again. Now why I know why the government uses music like that to enslave prisoners.
RK picks up his paper and begins looking through his textbook for answers. He also starts humming the first verse to "One Man Show" while working.
RK: Shit, it's already in my head. Why do the worst songs always have to control your brain?
RK continues humming "One Man Show" while working. Dissolve into later on, where Wade is looking at RK's paper.
WADE: Oh my God.
RK: Is it that bad? Look, I'm not using this as an excuse, but this is why no one's checking for the Jonas Brothers these days.
WADE: No, it's unbelievable. You got every question right!
RK: Wait, what? Is this a belated April Fools joke or something?
WADE: No, it's true. You got everything right.
RK: Even the one about thermal energy?
WADE: Yup.
RK: Oh, thank God. I remembered what you said about magnets and I took a shot in the dark.
WADE: It's interesting. While you were working, you were singing and humming "One Man Show" the whole time.
RK: So? It's an annoying song that you just so happened to play. It doesn't mean anything.
WADE: Probably.
Wade starts to have a curious look on his face.
WADE: It probably doesn't mean anything at all.
RK: Wade, are you squinting your eyes towards me or the couch?
SCENE 14
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Sparky and Buster are mumbling to themselves when Jaylynn walks up to them.
JAYLYNN: Hey guys. You study for the English exam?
The boys do not respond and they continue mumbling.
JAYLYNN: What the hell is wrong with you guys?
BUSTER: You ruined us, Jaylynn. We can still hear her call. We can still smell her Fanta-soaked perfume. We can still feel her sweet, chewy lips.
JAYLYNN: What I'm getting from this is you really want a girlfriend.
BUSTER: One problem at a time, Jaylynn.
SPARKY: We can't take it anymore. That Starburst is our sun, moon, and stars. We need it to breathe. We need to become Starburst.
JAYLYNN: Well, here. I got you something.
BUSTER: Please tell me it's Soda Pop. It better be Soda Pop or else I'll get mad.
JAYLYNN: No, it's the original one.
Sparky screams and smacks the Starburst away from Jaylynn's hand.
JAYLYNN: What's your problem? The Soda Pop Starburst will be gone after a couple months. Besides, this one is way less dangerous.
BUSTER: You know what this is, Jaylynn? It's an open-hand slap. You...you just took your hand and...and just slapped us like you're our pimp. Well, you're not pimping us out anymore, Jaylynn. We have more respect for ourselves than that.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: You guys are ridiculous.
SCENE 15
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is watching TV when RK walks in.
RK: Wade, you have to...are you watching George Lopez again?
WADE: Damn right.
RK sighs.
RK: Anyway, you have to get a load of this. I aced my pop quiz today.
WADE: Wait, seriously? I thought you told me it was impossible.
RK: That's what I thought. Then I went back to Mr. Garrett's class and he told me that I definitely got every question right.
WADE: That's great news. RK, I think the studying is really paying off. Maybe your brain is just starting to get used to it.
RK: I don't know. The only thing my brain's gotten used to is that damn Jonas Brothers song. I listened to it three times today.
WADE: But I thought you hated that song.
RK: Wade, I'm not going to lie to you. I love that song. I loved it when you first played it last night. I was just being me saying that it sucked.
WADE: So would you say that listening to it has made you a better student?
RK: I don't know, man, that's a little too superstitious to me.
WADE: Well, think about it this way. Before last night, you were barely learning anything. Then the song gets stuck in your head and all of a sudden, you're grasping every single concept. RK, you're not the problem. Your way of learning is.
RK: So what does this all mean? We should have fought harder to get that last Jonas Brothers album?
WADE: No, man, it means listening to "One Man Show" has somehow opened up an important part in your brain. It's the part of your brain that wants to learn and is motivated by music.
RK: Hmmm. That's genius. Wade, it all makes perfect sense. If I keep listening to "One Man Show," nothing can stop me. I'll be a monster in school, I'll be a killer. And I owe it all to you.
WADE: Don't worry about it, man. I just accidentally gave you the push you needed to get the knowledge you already had.
RK: But just so you know, this doesn't change my opinion of the Jonas Brothers themselves. I still think they're overrated.
WADE: Okay.
RK: I mean, don't get me wrong, they have hits, but I just think people gas them up too much. If you ask me, Demi surpassed them years ago.
WADE: Dude, I don't care about any of that.
RK: I just want you to know before the streets find out. I'm not going to be a joke in the streets, Wade. I'm not!
SCENE 16
("One Man Show" by the Jonas Brothers plays in the background)
RK and Wade have decided to ramp up the studying after discovering the secret to RK's success. A montage shows the boys going through various science problems while Wade plays "One Man Show" as motivation. At school, Wade gives RK a lyric sheet of the song, which RK uses everywhere he goes. He even does an impassioned performance at lunch, much to the confusion of Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn. While all this is happening, RK is gradually improving with his tests and quizzes.
SCENE 17
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Garrett's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
The taco contest is officially over and the grades are being reviewed by Mr. Garrett and the other fourth grade science teachers. Every other fourth grade science class is in attendance, making the room noticeably crowded. Cut to RK and Wade.
RK: Wade, I'm kinda nervous about this.
WADE: Don't worry, man, we have it in the bag. We were destroying those tests. What other class put in the work we did?
MR. GARRETT: Guys, I would like to make an announcement. The grades are in and the winners of this year's iCarly Elementary Taco Competition are Mrs. Jenkins' students.
Mrs. Jenkins' class starts cheering and celebrating as RK and Wade look dejected.
MR. GARRETT: Yeah, sorry, guys. We tried our best, but our best wasn't good enough. Better luck next year, am I right?
RK: So, that's it? That's our ending? We did all this shit for nothing?!
WADE: Not for nothing.
SCENE 18
The Smiling Taco
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
After school, RK and Wade are having their own taco dinner.
RK: Damn, I'm stuffed. I think I put too much hot sauce on these bad boys.
WADE: And you deserve to be stuffed. We both do.
RK: I don't get it, Wade. We lost. We're losers. Why are we eating tacos like Mrs. Jenkins invited us to join in?
WADE: Because at the end of the day, we still worked hard and deserve recognition. I mean, I know I was being an asshole in the beginning, but that's only because I wanted you to know you could do it. And now you know because you found out yourself. You didn't need my help on this one.
RK: No, that's not true, Wade. You're my best friend. You're one of the only people I know that's always believed in me. Without you, I would have never taken this thing seriously. Thanks to you, I got an A on a science test before the Browns won another game.
WADE: See? You might not have the best grades in school, but at least you didn't lose every game you played last season.
RK: Yeah, Cleveland's a terrible city.
WADE: To science!
RK and Wade toast to science using hard shell tacos, but they end up cracking from the pressure and make a mess on the table. They then look at each other with bored expressions and start eating more hard tacos without toasting. Cut to black.
("Next Time" by Gang Starr plays over the end credits)
POST-CREDITS GAG
Cut to an exterior shot of the MacDougal house. Cut to Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn on the living room couch.
JAYLYNN: What, no Starburst today?
SPARKY: Nah, we're over that. It was just a phase.
BUSTER: Yeah. Now all we need to do is just wait for the next hot new thing. Or catch on after six months like everyone else does.
JAYLYNN: See, I knew that would happen. That candy was nothing but junk.
SPARKY: Yeah, and I also heard that some kids ate it and ended up in the hospital.
BUSTER: I guess we were lucky.
JAYLYNN: Or it was main character privilege.
BUSTER: What?
JAYLYNN: Nothing.
SPARKY: Hey, look, IHOP is advertising 3 Musketeers pancakes.
BUSTER: Damn, they look good.
SPARKY: Yeah, they do. I admire you, Jaylynn. You look at stuff like this and you're not tempted at all.
JAYLYNN: Uh huh. I have, a...a will of iron. And salt and vinegar chips.
BUSTER: What?
JAYLYNN: I WANT THOSE F***ING PANCAKES! WHO'S WITH ME?!
BUSTER: F*** YEAH!
SPARKY: F*** YEAH!
JAYLYNN, BUSTER, AND SPARKY: F*** YEAH!
The kids run out of the house in a frenzy. Cut to black.
©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS