Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, except this story, that I'll probably deny I wrote later on. Everything
belongs to Charles Eglee, James Cameron, and all those other annoying people who think they can kill
Zack off.
Summary: What I hope will happen during season 2. Max will escape sometime in later chapters (that is,
if all of you don't think it's horrible) with help from Zack who (obviously) isn't dead. It'll eventually
become a m/z story, so if you don't like it screw you, don't read it, and I mean that in the nicest possible
way; really I do.
Spoilers: just to be safe, every episode to date (AJBAC), I'll probably bring up a lot of past episodes.
Rating: R (language and eventually some m/z encounters *wink, wink* but if you watch the show it's not
that big of a deal)
A/N: My first fic, so tell me what you think. M/L shippers you aren't going to like this, especially if you
hate Zack. I'm not against Max and Logan being together, I just think she should be with Zack Bring on
the flames, I can take it *starts to cry*, but at least throw in some constructive criticism instead of just
telling me I can't write. Ok, I guess if I get enough positive feedback, I'll write more, it's not like I have
anything to do all summer except water polo practice *whistles at guys walking by in Speedos*...n e
wayz... Oh yeah, don't laugh too hard at my title; I never was good at coming up with good ones. The
title will fit in later on when Max actually escapes (has an epiphany; it all makes sense now..). Now I'll
shut up and let you read.
All I do is lie here, hearing and feeling Zack's heart beat in my chest. Hell, it's all I can do. I'm strapped down tightly to a hospital bed with flimsy restraints. Sure, I could break them, but I'd just tear the wound from the heart transplant. That's the only thing holding me here. It's frustrating, if it wasn't for the operation, I could take out the guards and escape to freedom. What is freedom, anyway? I don't think I've ever experienced real freedom. Sure, I've been out of Manticore, that's something, but I'm always looking over my shoulder. So here I am, left alone with my thoughts.
All I can think about is Zack, and how much I loved him, and still do. I realize that now; and I just hope he knew that before he made his sacrifice; my sacrifice. Sometimes knowing I have his heart helps me cope with my depression, knowing he's a part of me to keep me strong and keep me fighting. It comforts me, telling me he'll never leave me, and he'll always be a part of me. He's the only thing that forces me to open my eyes and face the cruel reality that is my life, instead of just giving in, forgetting it all, and joining Brin. Other times it just reminds me of all the mistakes I've made.
Logan was a mistake. Sometimes I wish I'd never met the guy. I thought I loved him, but all he did was hold me back. I knew the minute he started looking down at me after he saw the pictures of me back at Manticore that he wouldn't...no, couldn't accept who I was, and who I am. He kept me in Seattle because I thought we had something. Truthfully, and now I can admit it to myself, I felt empty when I was with him. When I was with Zack, it was different. My situation with Zack was a mistake too. It could've been so much more, but I screwed it up, he practically told me he was in love with me in the cave when he said that he could never forget a thing about me...that I was different that the others.
Why did I have to be so fucking stubborn? If I had just listened to him, taken his orders, and gone with him without giving him such a hard time maybe it would've made it easier to tell him how I felt. If I'd told him, he'd give me love, unconditional love, like we'd shared during our childhood together. We'd sought out comfort in each other, and the others like us. We didn't know what it was at the time...love was a weakness as far as we were concerned. No one else that wasn't of Manticore could ever love me like Zack did, and I could never love anyone else like I loved him. Of course, there would be pain when he left, when he couldn't communicate with me the way I wanted him to, and when he'd become the hard, emotionless soldier that ordered me around like he was still my CO.
His heart beating, I can't tune it out. Now, it just makes tears stream from my face. The sight probably delights Renfro; tough ex-Manticore soldier, vulnerable, falling apart and breaking down. She'll take advantage of it; use it to harden me, to force me to become void of all emotion. She's a mastermind; clever, malevolent and manipulating. It makes me wonder how I ever thought Liedecker was so tough.
He knew exactly how to get to us, but he was more intent on making us good soldiers. He at least cared about keeping us alive instead of just picking us off one by one. In some twisted way he probably thought of us as his children. Not Renfro, we're just lab rats to her; personal servants at best. That's what Brin is now, I dread the day when I'm by her side during target practice, or take orders from her during a drill.
Maybe things would've turned out differently if I'd just left Seattle when I got the chance. Not that I'll ever be able to find out now. There are so many what-ifs. What if I'd gone with Zack over the Canadian border, what if I'd realized how I felt sooner, what if I never met Logan, what if I could've saved Tinga...and what if, somehow, Zack is still alive? I wouldn't doubt that Renfro could've faked it, and is lying to me about what really happened. I'm not so naive and ignorant to put something like that past her. So many things to contemplate, so many maybes, what-ifs, and things I should've or could've done.
Here I am, waiting for the next time she comes to grace me with her presence. Maybe she'll turn down that damn heart monitor; it's tearing me up, but she probably knows that. I could kill her. That's what she wants me to be, right? A heartless, emotionless killer. The reprogramming, it'll come soon, I feel the scar healing. I won't give in; can't give in. They'll find a weak spot, and keep pushing until I break. I won't let them win; can't let them win. For Tinga, Brin, Ben, Syl, Krit, Jace, Max, Case, Charlie, Zane, Eva, Jondy, Jack, all my brothers and sisters...everyone; most importantly, Zack. I'll fight them for him, he would never let me back down. He's the only thing that'll keep me fighting this bitch.
"Knock, knock." Renfro says, smiling smugly. "Don't feeling like talking today? Well, I just came to tell you that tomorrow you'll begin reprogramming." She stares off blankly, an evil grin passing across her face, as if envisioning me as a Manticore soldier again. I hide my anger and fear, pondering what she had in store for me. How could all these people that were so weak be teaching us to be perfect soldiers?
"I'm not a kid anymore, and if you really think you can brainwash me like you did Brin, you got another thing coming." I spat, glaring at her menacingly. She just looks me in the eye and stares me down, smile never fading.
"You'd be surprised...we almost got to Zack when he turned himself in for you. It's such a shame that Zack can't join you in your reprogramming. One of Manticore's finest dead..." She sighs, and tells me that Brin will assist me during my training. Oh the excitement! It just gets better and better. I curse at her as she closes the door behind her after injecting something into my arm.
Everything slowly fades to black, and I get lightheaded. Next thing I know, sun is shining through the small window behind the bed I'm no longer strapped to. I see a fuzzy image of who I assume to be Brin. She smiles at me, and hands me something. My vision now clear, I see that it's food. The last thing I want to do is eat, looking at Brin actually enjoying being a Manticore soldier? I blanch at the thought of becoming like her.
"Why Brin," I ask softly, "why couldn't you fight them? Why don't you want to be free?"
"This is where I belong; where all of us belong. Why be on the outside, trying to fit it, trying to be normal? As much as you may try to get away from Manticore, it's always there. Why fight it?" She replied monotonously, as if she'd rehearsed exactly what to say; which she probably did. Renfro probably had her memorize answers to my questions. She can't even think for herself anymore, I think somberly. I pity her, and fear I'll become what she is.
"There's so much out there for you Brin...that's why you fight it. You could settle down somewhere, out of this hell hole, and make friends, start a family, never have to worry about having to kill anyone or hiding emotion. Don't you want that? If you could only see the others...if you could only see Tinga, before Renfro killed her off. It has nothing to do with fitting in, Tinga told her husband who she was, and he still loved her. And yet, here you are, taking orders from the very woman who killed our sister." I growled angrily.
I shoved the empty tray at her. She just shook her head and walked out, telling me she'd be back. It occurred to me that Renfro most likely wasn't completely truthful with Brin. Like that's new. Maybe she blamed Tinga's death on Deck; if she'd told Brin the truth, the little humanity she had left would at least stop her from taking orders from Renfro. Or maybe it was too late for that. Why couldn't she just understand, there was nothing at Manticore for her.
Brin walked into the room and stood stiffly before me. "Until further notice I am your CO, and you will take orders from me. Stand at attention soldier!" She demanded, and I just lie back and studied her carefully. When she said that she was my new CO, I froze. Why did everything have to come back to Zack? I wouldn't listen to her, I promised him...
I felt my face contort in anger as I snarled, "I am not a soldier, I am Max Guevara. You won't take my humanity from me!"
"I said stand at attention soldier!" She ordered fiercely.
"Who the fuck do you think you are? You are not my CO, I am not a soldier, and I refuse to take orders from you, or anyone else for that matter! Zack was our CO, but he can't lead us either can he? We have Renfro to thank for that one, but that's right, you're nothing but her lapdog are you?" I taunted furiously. She wouldn't win this one.
I saw her draw out a gun that I recognized as the same type we used to use at Manticore during target practice. As she pointed the barrel at me, I thought of Eva, and I thought of Zack, taking his life to give me back mine. I watched her take the safety off as she threatened, "Don't think I won't do it. I have orders not to kill you, but that doesn't mean I won't shoot you. Now, *stand-at-attention*! You are not Max; you are X5-452!"
Fine, I'd stand at attention, I'd take her orders, but she'd never turn me. It was better than getting drugged and beaten until I gave in and listened to her anyway. Tinga and Zack fought, and fought hard when they were taken back. Tinga fought until the day she died, and I planned on making both she and Zack proud. I followed her obediently down the vast corridors. We passed the barracks we used when we were soldiers; X5s. I guess, in a way, I would always be a soldier, as much as I hated to admit it.
I stopped and looked through the small window on the top of the door. Children a bit older than we were at our days at Manticore stood at attention in front of some man who was screaming at them. There heads were shaved like ours were, and they all wore the same gown. It was hard to distinguish the sex of the children. That's the way it was meant to be, we were all the same, and we came from each other. Yeah...right.
Seeing the kids being yelled at brought up a flashback from my days at Manticore. A security guard had found 'the high place' and Liedecker was notified. Deck paced back in forth between the lines of children, hollering at us for breaking the rules. I remember his face inches from mine as he passed us, one by one, trying to find out who's idea it was to sneak out at night to the high place. I was trembling and stood trembling slightly, fighting back seizures, feeling the cold metal footboard of my bed against the back of my legs. He passed me and moved on to Ben. He said, calmly as could be, that he was indeed responsible. Deck had Ben follow him, eyes wide in terror. He'd come back terrified, and told us about being taken to the bad place...
"X5-452! You were not told to stop, now march!" Brin declared, and I followed her, shaking my head as if the memories would just disappear. If I believed in luck, I would say that I was lucky to now have to have my hair kept in a crew cut like we did as children. I supposed Liedecker had that done to shun contrast and uniqueness of any kind. We were all one, one team, and worked together. As we entered the room that we had sparred in as children, flashbacks overcome we once again.
I remembered all of us standing in front of a mirrored wall, one of Liedecker's men in front of us. We were to follow what he did, punching the air in front of us, yelling out. We spent hours in here, just sparring each other, brutally brawling until Liedecker ordered us to cease. I'd come back to the barracks tired and sore every time. Seeing our bruised and beat-up bodies every morning never seemed to bother Deck, or any of his men. They didn't hold back on training just because we were in pain. Soldiers knew no pain in their minds, we were perfect.
The room was just as I remembered it. Blue mats covered the floor, mirrors on the walls. Renfro was probably watching from behind one of them. I snapped back to attention as Brin stood in front of me in a fighting stance. I raised my fists, and we circled each other. She took the first punch, and I blocked it. She threw me to the ground, and I flipped her over, punching her hard on the side of her face. Brin pushed me off her, and I flew into the wall on the opposite side of the room. I charged at her, getting in a few kicks to her head, and she grabbed my leg and twisted, causing me to fall against the mats hard.
After a while, I found myself pinned on the ground. She was much faster and stronger then I had remembered. I'd gotten better since our confrontation on the rooftop of Tinga, Charlie, and Case's apartment, but she could still overpower me easily. Well, I figured that I might as well make the most of staying at Manticore, and brush up on some new fighting moves. Who knows, maybe I'd have another confrontation with the REDS when I finally had the chance to escape.
I worked with Brin and watched the X7s as they came in to work on their sparring techniques. I trained with Brin for hours, lifting weights, sparring, and physical reprogramming. As we headed in the barracks that we stayed in, I saw an open door up ahead. I recognized it as the same door I had run through to get back to the van after I'd stopped Brin from deactivating the explosives Zack and I had set. That night seemed like yesterday...but it had been over a week. It took time for my wound to heal, and Renfro couldn't risk having stitches ripped, and having to continually fixing them.
I looked into open doors as we walked past, wondering where the others that hadn't escaped with us were now. Suddenly, I stopped dead in my tracks. A door only a few yards away from the barracks I'd be staying in was halfway open. Looking in, I saw Renfro talking to a young man with long blond hair. She kept asking him questions, and he'd ignore her, or growl back a response. He kept grilling her about what she did with me. It was Zack! Renfro saw me, and ordered a guard to close the door immediately.
It was too late though, I'd seen him. I turned, smiling, to Brin and looked at her shocked expression. She prodded my back with her gun, and I continued walking to the barracks. Now I knew I'd escape, and if Zack was alive, everything would be all right...
A/N: Ok, this is the part where you review and tell me how much you hated it. I won't type more unless people actually like the story, so please review. I wrote this in like an hour, so put up with my spelling/grammar mistakes, and I'll fix them l8er. If you liked it (yeah I know, I'm laughing too) then I'll start typing. I can get up the next chapter tomorrow or day after next if people review soon.