Cat's Castle
She's my queen and I'm…I'm just me. No one compared to her. I wish I could just be invisible and watch her by the sea, building her castle of sand. And I think there's innocence in there somewhere, too. But it's something that can't be touched. It's something that can't be held. The innocence is in her eyes, big, brown, and pleading. It may not be the best comparison for me to say, but it's like a dog. Dogs are always looking into other's eyes for food. They're begging, pleading, and they always get what they want. I wonder what Cat wants. I wonder what she begs for deep in her heart, deep, deep inside. Whose eyes would she look into for just that? Mine?
It's a funny thought, because I don't deserve to even be here with her, or on the same planet for that matter. She's Supercat, as she always puts it. She's special. She's a queen. She's my queen. I don't care if she knows it or not. She's mine. If no one knows, if it's a secret inside my heart, then I can pretend it's true. Then no one can strip it from me. That thought can either keep me in ignorant bliss of playground pretending, or I can take a chance and live out reality. I could make reality a dream in itself, as hard as it may be.
I feel like a prisoner trapped in her kingdom's tombs, alone and obscure. She's forgotten I'm down here. I can shake the grainy bars as much as I'd like, I can spew out hints and clues to what I want, but I stop myself every time I try to yell, to shout my feelings.
The tide comes in and nearly washes it all away, and my heart skips a beat. I'm already drowning in over-thinking. I can't take drowning in her tears as well. She pats down another bucket full of sand, and she looks to me for something. I don't know what it is so I just smile. It pales in comparison to hers. And of course, I stare much longer than I should. But she doesn't notice, she just hums and goes back to building up her hopes and dreams. I wonder if she looked this adorable when she was seven. I wish I was there for that. I wish I was there for everything involving her. But this cell and these bars hold me back all the time. I just can't get out. I can't find the key inside her heart.
An old couple is walking down by the shore, their wrinkly feet reflecting in the water. They're holding hands and it makes me feel strange, happy…but…envious. I want that. I want that promise, that longevity. I can look at almost everyone in my school and feel normal, feel…this normal loneliness that boils in my stomach every now and then. But when I look at Cat in the halls, see her in class, and especially on this beach, I feel complete.
"Look, Tori, look!" She shouts with glee, showing off a mini kingdom of sand.
"I see!" I respond, but my mind isn't really there. I'm lost to the sea, I'm lost to Atlantis.
Atlantis is a fable. Her love is a fable. I've yet to see either. Maybe they're the same thing, both equally magical, both equally fulfilling. She's my little mermaid and she's leading me down into the world in her chest. There's a rhythmic beating sounding from the walls, and I assume it's a festival, celebrating my grand entrance. I hold on to her scaly fin that glistened and sparkles in the blue light as she shows me around. Everything is golden, and everything stays that way. Finally I'm where I belong. Finally I'm home. But no one greets me except for her, and I'm just fine with that. The creatures in the blackest of the sea stay away, because they know they can't steal our light. The ominous deep sea divers stay on land, because they know we've already got each other hooked.
"Tori! Tori!" She shouts, and it echoes through the ripples. They tickle my cheek, and I swim faster to her. She embraces me, and strangely her hand on my cheek is so warm. I hold it there as her face is dangerously close to mine. Her beautiful brown eyes and the blue of the sea make her eyes a piercing grey. They look so empty. Before I know it, her soft lips are on mine. She tastes of soggy cupcakes and it makes me laugh in her mouth.
"What's that supposed to mean? Do I taste like fish food?" She asks.
I laugh and giggle, "No, Cat."
Her eyes are open now, and I can see that I've brought back the brown in her eyes. I've brought life and spirit back to her. I see that I complete her as much as she completes me.
"Tori! Tori!" She shouts again, breaking the kiss and pulling my arm nearly out of the socket. She wants to show me something. By the lack of feeling in my arm, it must be important. The rush of the moment made me dizzy and the rush of the water stung my face. When I opened my eyes, I saw…myself. It was a mirror, showing Cat and me. She's smiling and hugging me, eyes wide in the mirror. And I'm smiling, too, happy for the first time in forever. It's a specific happiness. It's the polar opposite of that boiling loneliness. If I dare, I'll call it love.
"Tori! Tori!" She shouts, and I'm snapped out of my reverie. She's shaking my arm and her eyes are wide…like in the mirror. "Tori, I've been calling your name. You were daydreaming." And then her smile returns, and she runs back to the castle, pointing and proud of what she's done. The sun is setting and the light hits her just right. Her stunning, tan body shines in the dusk light, her red hair, a beautiful, dark orange under the twilight.
"Come on, Tori!" She squeals, signaling for me to come to her.
It hurts to know everything was all a daydream, and maybe that's all it'll ever be. I've been sitting so long, I don't think I can stand. I wish she would just come to me again, hold me. I'm afraid to make things better for us, lest it wind up a vicious circle, because "circles are for squares", as Cat would put it and giggle. I find the strength to get up and I run over to her, plopping down by the huge castle. I feel it around in my hands, touching the softness that she touched. I put my ear to it like a seashell, but instead of the ocean, this sound is much more depressing. I can hear my heart screaming faintly from behind its caged cell. It fears it may never be free.
I wish I had noticed it earlier, but I'm staring at Cat. Even when she stares back, I don't divert my eyes. We're not close, but I can still see my reflection in her. Her eyes are that mirror that I saw, everything I could ever dream of. I look pathetic. And I must have stared too long, because she's asking me, "What is it?" And I want to answer her. I want to tell her everything that's wrong in my life right now, but I can't. I know she'd care, I know she'd feel. But would the feeling be the same as mine? Even though I'm lost to her brown eyes as much as I am the beautiful scenery behind her, I cannot answer. Maybe one day, though.
Maybe one day.