" We are compelled to do what we have to, we are compelled to do what we have been forbidden"
The secret's in the telling – Dashboard Confessional
Hunter wasn't sure exactly how long he'd been standing in the snow, all he knew was that his feet were now frozen numb in the puddle of slush they were steeped in.
The house show had ended hours ago and still he remained, his movements antsy as he tried to circulate some warmth back into his body, waiting for a car he had long ago given up on. As soon as he got in contact with the driver he was giving him hell. If he ever answered. Four failed treks to the nearest payphone, the equivalent he was sure, of walking three miles in an Alaska blizzard, just to listen to a fuzzy automated recording put poor odds on that bet.
He shouldn't have been surprised.
No one listened to you when you were currently being shoved back down the ladder for what they considered major misdemeanours. The curtain call had seriously screwed with his push. He'd been a solid mid-carder, now he was first out on the card. He could have left hours ago if he hadn't hung around to watch Shawn's match. He liked to watch him at his craft, picking out pointers, watching how he controlled a crowd, watching how he enthralled everyone, lightning in a bottle.
An oasis in the desert.
For that's what Shawn was to Hunter since Scott and Kev had left. Shawn was the jewel in their company crown and the laughter in Hunter's prism of sorrow. In the snake pit that was the WWF, all they had now was each other. Shawn wasn't exactly Mr Popularity, his reputation preceded him, swiftly followed by his attitude. By association, Hunter's name was mud. Not that he gave a fuck. Shawn might have been high maintenance, but he was worth it. They were keeping each other afloat. Hunter playing peacemaker, Shawn, if nothing else, ensuring he could never say his life was boring.
Hunter drove his hands deeper into his pockets, desperately seeking more warmth. Breath escaped him on clouds of icy irritation, his stomach knotted with anxiety. He wasn't sure how to get back to the hotel from the arena and everyone had long since departed.
As he was surrendering himself to the thought of becoming tomorrow's headline, leaving his legacy as the B-list pro-wrestler turned human popsicle in a Chicago parking lot, headlights broke through the flurries of snow, a shadowed car slowly crawled by, ice crunching beneath the tires. A spray of grey tinged white splattered back against him as the car made it's way passed Hunter, accelerating slightly as it did so, the wheels spitting mud, sleet and snow. Fury coursed through Hunter as the sludge soaked through his coat.
The honk broke through his agitated stream of thought, slicing through the wind in its urgent appeal for attention. Hunter turned a curse on his lips and made his way over to the now stationary vehicle, determined to give the driver a piece of his mind. He rehearsed the abuse with each trudging footstep, a new curse for every time his foot sank into the snow. The asshole drenching him as they mockingly drove by when he was stranded in some God forsaken hick town, with no idea how to get back to civilisation was the straw to break the camel's back. Hunter was done being the nice guy. He was done, as Vince McMahon kept reminding him, with "eating shit and liking the taste of it." He angrily thumped his fist against the darkened pane of the car.
Shawn grinned as he wound the window down.
"Need a ride?"
"You prick!" Hunter exploded, temper frayed, patience long eroded.
Shawn's grin only grew wider with amusement.
Hunter wiped the debris from his coat before climbing in. Resisted the urge to drag his friend out through the still open window and scrub his smirking face into the snow. See how he liked the cold. The door slammed behind him, Shawn closed the window, allowing flakes of snow to twist against the glass as their eagerness to enter the car proved futile in his quest for warmth. Hunter's duffel bag lay beneath the seat, ice defrosting and melting amongst the heat. He hoped it made one hell of a mess for Shawn to clear up later. They could consider it karma for the very deliberate snow drenching that had just taken place.
Shawn threw a towel in Hunter's direction before shifting the stick into gear.
" Thanks" he breathed, teeth slightly a chatter.
"Don't let anyone see you," commanded Shawn.
Hunter sighed. He should have known there was more to Shawn's act than simple kindness. The towel wasn't for drying off, it was for disguise. Vince was still adamant heels and faces weren't to travel together, preserving kayfabe along with all the other old timers, intent on flogging a dead horse. He didn't care that people knew their craft was staged, it was still real to him dammit, and until he said otherwise, all the boys were going to preserve the illusion too. Shawn was a face, Hunter a heel. They weren't supposed to be travelling together.
Explicitly forbidding them from travelling together had been like waving a red rag to a bull when it came to Shawn Michaels. He made sure to travel with Hunter whenever he could, and normally he'd flaunt it, especially for Vince's benefit. Last time he'd waved as he drove passed Vince's limousine, Hunter up front and visible in the passenger seat.
Things had changed since the curtain call, however. Shawn was more discreet. Hunter thought maybe it was a guilty conscience. Shawn had gotten him into this mess, but couldn't pull him out so, in a compromise, he made his life a little easier where he could.
Not too easy though. It was still Hunter who had to duck beneath a towel every time they went somewhere too public where a wrestling fan might see them. It was Hunter who had to pay for the extra room, a ruse he could barely afford, pretending they were on separate floors, when nine times out of ten they were in the same one, talking business and shooting the breeze until long after the sun came up.
As they exited the town, Hunter was safe to remove the towel covering his face. As they headed down the dark stretch of road, he was sure no wrestling fans were on the horizon, waiting to have their illusion of the sport shattered. He'd heard the way they'd cheered at the Garden, kayfabe was pretty much dead as it was, making this whole charade an even bigger pain in the ass.
"This thing give out any more heat?" Hunter asked, tweaking the thermostat, breaking the comfortable silence they'd lulled into. The glacial air still clung to him, coldness seeped into his clothes.
"Nah, piece of crap's busted."
"I'd have thought the current WWF champion could get himself a better car," Hunter teased.
"Yeah well, couldn't really go crawling the curb looking for you in my stretch could I?" retorted Shawn.
"Why would you have to go looking for me?"
"When the car didn't show I expected you to start walking"
" What do you mean, you expected? How did you know the car didn't show?"
"What, you just figured you'd hang out in the deserted parking lot freezing your balls off for fun? Doesn't take a genius to figure it out Hunt," replied Shawn sarcastically
"No, you said it like you knew" argued Hunter, "Like you knew I'd need the ride."
"How would I know you'd need a ride? What am I, a fucking psychic?" asked Shawn defensively.
Hunter stared at him, the thread of anger underscoring Shawn's already harsh tone did little to dissuade his suspicion.
"You did something didn't you?" He asked, irritation bleeding through his words. His voice rose with anger as he surveyed the car they were in.
Coffee stains peppered the dashboard, screwed up tickets and the debris from a take-out littered the floor, the clock continued to flash mockingly at him, and the built-in heater refused to offer anything more than a frigid breeze. It was the sort of car you'd get when you were touring the territories and had to split the cost of gas six ways. It wasn't the type of car a top tier star in the WWF needed to rent.
"Why did you rent this car? You had the limo picking you up. Why did you need this heap of shit?"
" If it's not good enough for you, feel free to get out and walk," snapped Shawn heatedly, "Maybe next time I just leave you in the parking lot, how about that?"
"How about you tell me what the hell you're doing?"
"Driving us back to the hotel."
"Don't be a smartass, why did you rent the car?"
The silence that followed was more frosty than the ice coating up the window pane, Shawn kept his eyes firmly on the road, refusing to acknowledge his best friend.
"Pull over." Hunter commanded.
"Don't be an idiot,"
"I mean it Shawn, pull over!"
"Fine! "
Shawn yanked the car sharply to the left, earning a chorus of outraged honks from other drivers on the road. They skidded to a stop at the side of the road, narrowly missing the trees.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" yelled Hunter
"I could ask you the same damn question!" countered Shawn angrily.
They sat in ireful silence, listening to the indicator tick over, the amber flash reflecting in the snow behind them as it blinked on and off, almost as if it was winking at the white ground surrounding them.
Hunter couldn't stand it any longer, each tick reverberated through him heightening his sense of rancour.
"Stop being a prick and tell me what you're doing-"
Shawn leaned across the seats hastily and meshed his mouth angrily against Hunter's, cutting him off with a rough kiss. The move so unexpected, Hunter flailed backwards, head narrowly avoiding a collision with the window behind him.
"That, ok! I was doing that!" Shawn spat breathlessly when they broke apart.
Hunter pressed quivering fingers against his mouth and stared. He gulped deeply, before wiping his hand against the slightly swollen flesh, the pressure of Shawn's mouth still weighed heavily against his lips, the scratch of his beard still itched at his skin. His face was pale in the ghostly reflection opposite, the car lighting coating him in an orange hue.
"What are you doing?"
The question was little more than a whisper. Confusion and panic lay heavy in his chest. Shawn was still far too close, his breath light against his face, those blue eyes stormy with a mixture of emotions. Almost black in their intensity. Lust. doubt. Fear. He dreaded to think what emotions were reflected in his own.
" I said, what are you doing?" Hunter cried louder, palms erect like a barrier, determined to get some space between himself and Shawn.
"Oh, what does it look like I'm doing Hunter?" snarled Shawn rounding away and venting his anger on the steering wheel with a sharp smack. The noise reverberated in the silence like a gunshot. He did it again. The third time, he didn't hit with an open palm, instead a closed fist.
By the time Hunter made to grab at his wrists, Shawn was pummelling the wheel with all his might, purging his rage on the inanimate object with a vengeance.
"Get off me!" Shawn aggressively wrenched himself free from Hunter's grasp.
Silence stretched between them, the tension thick as they sat on opposite sides of the car. Hunter stared at Shawn, lips still tingling, heart still racing. He balled his fists in an effort to stop his hands from shaking.
"You take anything before you came to get me?"
"Fuck you, Hunter!" Shawn seethed, the words low and dangerous, almost animalistic.
"You know how I feel about you doing that shit, Shawn! I swear to God, if you're pilled out of your mind again, you nearly drove us off the roa-"
"I didn't take anything!" roared Shawn cutting him off, " I didn't take a fucking thing ok?"
Hunter stared at him doubtfully. Shawn turned from his accusing glare, shamefaced. He wouldn't admit to his need for Dutch courage, regardless of how many forms it came in.
"Why'd you kiss me?" Hunter asked quietly, the question aimed at Shawn's back.
"I thought you gave a shit about me." muttered Shawn, "Obviously I was wrong."
"You know I do!" snapped Hunter defensively,
"Yeah? Really looks like it."
"What the fuck do you expect Shawn? I spend God knows how long freezing my ass off outside an arena just so I can see your match, you mysteriously show up with some shitbucket of a car and refuse to tell me what the hell's going on, you nearly wrap us 'round a tree and then you kiss me? What did you think I was going to do?" exploded Hunter.
"I thought you'd show some appreciation!" Shawn rounded on him, his face twisted with self righteous fury.
"For what?" exclaimed Hunter, outraged. "For nearly killing me before you kissed me? For letting me take all the heat for the Curtain call you arranged? For always taking me for granted?!"
"If it's that bad, leave!" yelled Shawn, "If being around me's so terrible, why don't you just leave?"
"Because I like you, you fucking moron!"
Shawn stared, words stuck in his throat, deadened further with the silence that buzzed in his ears. He listened to his heart thud against his ribcage and desperately hoped he hadn't ruined everything.
Hunter sought his fingernails nervously at his impassioned declaration. Not once had he envisioned telling Shawn how he felt about him mid-screaming match.
"God knows why," He continued softly speaking to his cuticles, "Your attitude stinks, you push everyone away, you get me in so much trouble. You treat me like dirt."
The grievances poured out, and once they were free he couldn't claim them back. He desperately wanted to reach out and return them from whence they came, stop them from wounding Shawn but to no avail. His bitterness was free, cutting in its honesty.
Shawn kept staring at the wheel until it blurred as Hunter's voice trailed off, features hidden by his hair, waves of ash blonde shielding him from all he dreaded. He couldn't bear looking into Hunter's face and seeing disgust written there. He didn't want to look in his eyes and see their friendship crack and splinter, until it was rendered into worthless tatters as he finally reached his limit and came to the conclusion that being friends with him simply wasn't worth it, that being anything more would be even less so.
"I don't know why you'd like me either," he whispered, words brittle, cracking slightly as he tried to keep his self pity in check.
Hunter breached the gulf between them, gently pulled Shawn's hair away until he could see his face. The forlorn features made his heart ache. Shawn's eyes were glassy, the unshed tears he was barely holding back making the sapphire mossy. Guilt burned in Hunter's chest. He cleared his throat softly in an effort to dislodge the discomfort coursing through him.
He tried to make amends for his harshness.
"You make me laugh, you don't give a damn what anyone says, you just do your thing. You don't always treat me poorly, I mean, you rented some cheap ass car and came looking for me-"
"I cancelled your car," confessed Shawn flatly, the words thin, "That's how I knew you'd need a ride."
"I knew it! I knew this was a fucking rib,"
Betrayal coloured his cheeks as he flushed. He'd finally told Shawn how he felt, and it was all just some elaborate joke.
"It's not a rib!" cried Shawn earnestly, "I just wanted to ride with you. You're the only person who likes me ok? You're the only one I can stand being around. And I didn't want Vince to find us riding together and bust your ass, like you said, I already screwed your push up with the Curtain Call and-"
"It wasn't all your fault." interrupted Hunter, refusing to let Shawn bear all the blame "This fallout, from the Curtain Call, it's hard, I'm sorry I took it out on you ok?"
Shawn waved his apology away uncomfortably.
" I just, I just thought if no car came to get you, and I picked you up as I was driving by, we wouldn't get into so much trouble. Vince wouldn't punish you for getting stranded."
"Did you have to leave me out in the cold so long?" asked Hunter, a tinge of amusement to his words.
"It had to be believable"
Hunter sought Shawn's hand, fitted it into his own and entwined their fingers. In his own stupid, selfish little way, Shawn had been trying to consider Hunter. He'd wanted to spend time with him, wanted to show him how important he was, and whilst the way he'd done it was highly unconventional, Hunter had to appreciate his efforts. No one else at the company made him feel wanted. He doubted anyone else had even noticed he was gone, but Shawn had engineered it. Shawn had wanted him to know that when he wasn't around he missed him. That he would seek him out every time.
"Thanks for coming to get me," he said.
" Wouldn't really leave you there" Shawn muttered, discomfort radiating from every pore at the gratitude. He turned his attention to the wing side mirror so he wouldn't have to see Hunter's face.
Overwhelmed with all that had happened, Hunter leant back in the seat and closed his eyes, deep in thought. He tried to make sense of the evening, but in the end all that mattered was that Shawn wanted him around. That he'd kissed him with such intensity, Hunter could still taste it.
"Try it again,"
"What?" Shawn asked, he raised his head, eyes betraying his confusion.
" The kiss. Try it again. This time without the near concussion,"
Shawn's lips twitched into a small smile as hope blossomed in his chest.
"Try it like this," said Hunter, pressing his lips tenderly against Shawn's own. The kiss was longer this time, sweeter, softer. An apology on both their parts, a consolation for the harsh words flung at each other in the heat of the argument.
"You think we can go back to the hotel now before I turn blue?" joked Hunter after several explorations of each others mouths. Shawn chuckled quietly as the engine spluttered into life and they made their way back onto the highway,
"You owe me for gas" teased Shawn once they came to a stop outside the hotel.
"You owe me for my damn dry cleaning!" retorted Hunter, indicating the wet patch still spread across his coat, finely streaked with dirt.
"Call it even?" asked Shawn with a smile, leaning in for another kiss.
Hunter ran his tongue over his lips as they broke apart, savouring the taste of tobacco and spearmint.
"Ok," he said hoarsely,
They walked towards the hotel together, Hunter throwing a casual arm over his friend's shoulders.
Shawn let out a startled gasp, as ice coldness slid down his back, the snow and ice clotting in his collar as Hunter shoved it down the back of his shirt.
"You son of a-"
"Now, we're even!"
Shawn watched Hunter race ahead into the hotel, elation still playing on his lips. He shook the wet clumps from his shirt and coat the best he could.
His face lit up with joy as he made his way in after Hunter, heart light with relief that for once he hadn't fucked it all up. For once things had ended the way he wanted them to, even if the road there hadn't been as smooth as he'd envisioned.
He joined Hunter at the front desk and knew they were heading for a considerably warmer destination than the one they'd left out in the cold night air, their friendship confirmed with the promise of something much more hovering delightfully on the horizon.