Cartman's Coffin, a south park fanfic

Love me cancerously,

Like a salt-sore soaked in the sea;

'High maintainance' means

You're a gluttonus queen,

Narcissistic and mean.

Eric Cartman. Three syllables, three hours late. Again. Biggest asshole in the universe, completely no doubt. I must be a masochist if I'm really dating this bastard. Remind me, why do I even like him? How can I even stand him?

The phone rings.

He forgot we had plans.

Again.

He forgot. And scheduled something over it.

Self-absorbed son of a bitch. I'm going to kill him so badly. I'm going to… stab him with these fucking high heels. Why did I even bother to dress up? I knew he wouldn't show.

Kill me romantically,

Fill my soul with vomit,

And then ask me for a piece of gum,

Bitter and dumb,

You're my sugarplum.

I must be the biggest dick in the whole world. Forgot again. Still, the ho can deal with it. Her death threats are all empty. If they were ever loaded, if the gun were ever loaded, I'd have been way dead by now. But I'm still alive. That stupid bitch will have to deal with it. With me. But still. This is a streak, even for us. Three dates canceled. Not my fault.

You're awful,

I hate you, Cartman. I hate you. But… I'll let you slide by. This is the last time though. Because, well…

I love you.

---

I woke him up screaming again the next morning. He deserved it. He could go by someone else's schedule for once. MINE. "Cartman! God dammit, if you don't pick up the fucking phone right now I'll never call you again!" Okay, so my schedule started earlier than most. Today, it started at three in the morning.

"Yes, Ho? What do you want at this most ungodly hour of the morning?" He sounded like he'd already been awake. God dammit.

I frowned. What DID I want? "I want you to get your fat ass out of your bed and come over to my house."

"Alright, alright ho," he yawned. I smiled maliciously. So he was tired at least. A small victory. "If you want me so badly, I'll be over there in a minute. I know that I'm sexy, but you'll have to wait a little while."

"God damn it, Cartman, you're not sexy! I just…" I hung up. There was nothing more to say. He'd be here soon anyway.

I looked out the window. It was still dark out. A normal boyfriend would sneak through that window. Cartman was too fucking fat to get through the window without breaking it. Whatever. Just because he had the keys to my house didn't mean anything. It just meant he was too fat to get through my window. He wasn't that special. I was the special one in this relationship, not him.

Well, anyway. Just because he had his own key didn't mean I couldn't go wait outside and get some fresh air until he got there. Right. That was all I was doing.

She walks through moonbeams slowly,

She knows just how to hold me,

And when her edges soften,

Her body is my coffin.

I know she drains me slowly,

She wears me down to bones in bed.

She was pretty fucking hot in the dim light of her backyard. I had to give her that. Something about her strategically planned Breast Cancer Awareness pajamas taunted me terribly. Pink lingerie with a darker pink ribbon patch on the hem. Cut just above her knees her thighs, just above her bra-line. Bra straps loose, black lines slipping off of her soft shoulders. Black hair cascading around her untidily, eyeliner smudged lightly around her eyes. Stupid bitch never remember to wash it off before she went to sleep. Overall, very sexy.

"Hey ho," I said half-heartedly. I never thought I'd get tired of taunting Wendy, but sometimes the act got old. Rarely, but sometimes.

"Well, fatass, I see you finally decided to show up for something. I guess even your pathetic memory can remember plans we made five minutes ago." She smirked, and walked forwards.

I grinned sadistically. "That's right bitch, come to daddy."

We kissed. I could feel her fingernails stabbing into my neck violently. The bitch had actually sharpened them, hadn't she? She broke away, leaving the kiss incomplete by my standards. I tried to move back in. Mistake.

Must be the sign on my head

That says, oh,

Love me dead.

Stupid asshole. I called the shots. He collapsed on the lawn. That's the thing, guys have these things called balls which, as far as I can see, aren't really good for anything except pain. What about kids, though? Yeah, that qualifys as pain.

I bend over and grab by the hem of his stupid plus size pajamas. He sure as shit isn't easy to lift.

I pull him up like a dangling toy in a toy machine. Just my luck, I got the stupid factory reject that made it into the mix by accident. "Who's the bitch now?" I ask him.

"You filed your fucking nails into points, ho."

"You're avoiding my question, but so what if I did?" This was tiring. We only had a few hours.

He cracked a half-smile. "That's so sweet. You were thinking about me."

I glare at him. "Shut up fatass. I'm bored. Why else would I call you?"

"Because you ran out of innocent forrest creatures to torture?"

I roll my eyes and release him. For good measure, I kick him, hard, in the side. "Asshole."

"Ho," he replies weakly. I walk back through the door and into my house without another word. He follows like the dog he is.

You're a faith healer on T.V.,

You're an office park without any trees,

Corporate and cold,

Gushing for gold,

Leave me alone.

You suck so passionately,

You're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature

Finger-banging my heart,

You call me up drunk,

Does the fun ever start?

We get to her room. The bed is unmade, the floor is covered in girly shit and books. "You certainly got ready, didn't you, ho?"

"Shut up and kiss me, fatass." I do. There are a few commandments even I can't disobey. 'Shut up and kiss me' is definitely number one on the list.

We're on her bed now. She's got me pinned down, her chest looming in my face. Her face lingers next to mine as she whispers, "Having fun now asshole?"

I shake my head. She'll win, but she's going to have to take me down fighting.

"Good," she smiles and bites hard on my ear.

"God damn it bitch!" I curse. "That fucking hurt."

She grins. "Good."

"You're hideous," I tell her.

"I know," she says. "And sexy."

I manage a vicious smile."I know," I reply. I am throbbing, and no longer all from pain.