Disclaimer: Do not own. Title from e.e. cummings.

a cause of more disorders

xxx.

'do you remember the first time you laughed?'

'no. does anyone?'

'i do.'

His grin is wild and his laugh more so.

xxx.

The first time Remus Lupin hears Sirius Black laugh, it is midnight and he is eleven.

'i don't understand, what is it? what's so funny?'

'nothing, nothing, just the world, it's a funny place isn't it?'

Remus frowns.

'not really.'

Sirius looks at him and then laughs even harder.

(none of the other boys woke up that night and sirius never mentions it, but remus remembers and watches him cautiously out of one eye)

xxx.

'you should laugh more, moony.'

'why?'

'because otherwise you'll miss the fun.'

And laughing doesn't require much thought.

xxx.

At sixteen Sirius nearly kills Snape and doesn't even understand.

'you're a prick, you know that?'

Except it isn't Remus who says it, it's James and it's the first time Remus has ever seen him look like that.

'come off it! it was his fault anyway, nosing around, i mean it was never like he was in any actual danger…'

And Sirius laughs like it was just some joke. James looks at him as if he's seeing him really for the very first time.

Remus stays quiet and thinks himself a coward.

(but not a fool, because he knows what sirius is and black doesn't wash off easily)

xxx.

'i think you laugh when you don't know what else to do.'

'i haven't cried in years, you know.'

'that's not what i meant.'

But maybe it is.

xxx.

When he is twenty, Sirius laughs and Remus thinks it's the saddest sound he has ever heard.

'the idiot, the idiot, oh god the idiot…'

He laughs and laughs and laughs until he chokes and he clutches the letter like it's going to fall apart and it's only two days later that Remus finds out what the letter said.

'your brother is dead.'

There was no funeral.

(but if there was, sirius wouldn't have gone anyway because he wouldn't know how to cry)

xxx.

'do you ever think about how you're going to die?'

'no.'

'i do. i know.'

He always has.

xxx.

A year later Remus reads the newspaper and finds out that Sirius laughed after he killed all those people and he thinks that is the only thing that makes sense.

He pours coffee and doesn't cry and wonders if he should.

He laughs instead and then throws up.

xxx.

A/N: Oh Harry Potter, I can never leave you for too long. Even if all I can do is write strange fanfiction that doesn't feel complete. And that for some reason always makes Sirius into some kind of nutcase. Yeah.