This is like absolutely nothing I've ever written before but I really, really hope you guys love it. I'm pretty proud of it, I think. Nervous too. Anyway, don't forget that reviews are much appreciated. Enjoy!
The smile JJ wore for her friends tugged painfully at her sore facial muscles. Her face hurt; her usually fair and flawless skin marred with a variety of multi-colored cuts and bruises. In truth, her whole body throbbed and every muscle ached, but she refused to let her mask falter.
JJ heard Hotch ask Emily how long they had her for, and the brunette's answer caused another ache to form, this time in the center of her chest. Six hours.
JJ had known Emily would come for her. As she'd laid curled into herself, shivering against the cold of the water and the dirty, blood-soaked floor of the warehouse, JJ hadn't doubted it for a second. She just hadn't expected for her to leave so soon.
"You okay?" She heard the rich southern drawl whisper in her ear. The blonde cursed herself; she must've let her mask fall.
Finding her throat was dry, she swallowed and forced a tight lipped smile before tearing her eyes away from the alluring woman, "Yeah, fine."
JJ looked into the dull gray eyes gazing down at her; she recognized the look. His eyes sparkled with love and a heavy concern. JJ leaned into him, pressing her lips against his firmly. It was comforting, familiar, and yet, she felt guilty. Because she knew her heart wasn't in it. If she was being honest, her heart had never been head over heels in love with Will, but it was easy. Loving Will was easy.
"I'm just glad I finally got to meet you," JJ heard the gravelly voice of Alex Blake as she pulled away from her husband. "I've heard such amazing things."
"All lies," responded Emily without missing a beat. Classic Emily Prentiss, JJ thought. Never able to accept compliments and forever downplaying her accomplishments.
JJ forced a laugh, her mask still hadn't budged, but something on the inside of her broke.
"No. No more lies," JJ spoke up, looking directly into Emily's darkened eyes. To everyone surrounding them, her tone was light, joke-y even, but Emily knew the words held a deeper meaning. "Nothing but the truth from now on."
The two agents had spoken no more than a few words to each other since Emily had led JJ off the roof of the warehouse and handed her off to Morgan and Reid. She had quietly excused herself from the reunion, needing a few moments to calm the storm of emotions swirling inside. In less than twenty minutes, she'd witnessed JJ just barely escape death's door twice, and would have watched her plummet to her death had she been a second too slow grabbing her by the arms.
Once it was over, once Hasting's was dead and she knew JJ was safe, Emily had, had to step away and catch her breath. She couldn't let JJ to see her so distraught; to see just how much she'd been affected by her abduction. How seeing her with a knife held to her throat as she dangled from the ceiling with her pants and blouse unbuttoned, had seized the air straight out from her lungs.
It had taken a whole damn lot for Emily Prentiss to get over Jennifer Jareau. At least, she'd thought so. But as she realized tonight, she'd only managed compartmentalize the blonde enough to convince herself that she had.
Emily hadn't stood in the same room as Will since his wedding to JJ. It'd been almost two years now but the pain was still burning as strong as ever. Her heart tore a little more with every kiss, smile, and snuggle the two of them shared. She couldn't stay long; her progress was being compromised. She'd be leaving in the morning.
No more lies. The phrase ran through JJ's head on a loop. Over and over. Again and again. It was as if the words were haunting her, taunting her for being so scared, so selfish.
The initial relief she'd felt following her rescue had been fleeting. Sure, she no longer had to carry the weight of the INTEGRITY mission upon her shoulders but she was still harboring her deepest secret of all. The feelings she had for her best friend.
The admission, although in her subconscious, startled JJ. She'd never admitted it before, not to herself. Not even after Paris.
This was it. The last time she'd ever be in the presence of Emily Prentiss. Tomorrow morning, JJ would be on a flight back to Afghanistan and Emily would be left to deal with the haunting remnants of Ian Doyle. An ache formed deep in her chest. This couldn't be it.
As she watched the lethargic older agent unpack the few things she'd been able to take with her, JJ was struck with a sense of fearlessness she would've never had, had they been back in the states. Something about Paris, the City of Love, and the heart wrenching reality that, after tonight, she'd never be in the same room with the brunette ever again, caused the blonde to toss any and all of her largest fears out the window.
"Emily."
"Yeah?"
The blonde's mouth opened, though unmoving as she couldn't find the right words. Her body acted on autopilot, her feet carrying her forward, closer to the other woman. She turned her head to the left and connected their lips, taking Emily by surprise. JJ kissed her with a passion she'd never felt before, certainly never with Will.
A moan escaped Emily's throat. This had to be a dream. Surely this was a dream. Because only in a dream would Jennifer Jareau be kissing her. All sense of reality and rationality had faded away, the sensation of JJ's soft lips on hers overpowering all of her remaining senses. She allowed herself to reach up, grabbing a fistful of JJ's hair as she pulled the other woman closer. It wasn't rough, but soft, gentle. Though she was petite, the force of JJ's body against hers caused Emily to lose her footing and she stumbled backwards a few steps, the backs of her knees connecting with the bed. She opened her eyes, only for a millisecond, but it was enough to snap her out of her trance.
This was wrong. They shouldn't be doing this. It didn't mean anything. They were both just emotional. That's all. JJ was with Will. They had a son. They shouldn't be doing this.
Emily pulled away, detaching her lips from JJ's abruptly and leaving the younger agent feeling cold.
"JJ," she husked. What the hell were they doing?
As JJ's blue eyes, clouded over with lust, searched her own, Emily watched as the realization of what she was about to do, what she was doing, dawned on her.
JJ's labored breathing began to fall back into its normal rhythm as she averted her eyes to the carpeted floor beneath her. What was she doing?
Emily could see the wheels turning in the younger woman's mind. The tension between them became thick, making it difficult for her to breathe. The silence, only broken by their heavy breathing, lasted for what seemed like hours to Emily but in actuality, couldn't have been for more than a minute.
"Just for tonight," the words came out a painful whisper. Blue orbs pleaded with Emily's brown; the slightest hint of tears visible in the corners.
Emily's breath hitched; she couldn't say no to JJ. She didn't know what was happening or why it was happening but having JJ for herself was all she'd dreamed of since she joined the BAU. Even if it was just for one night, even if it was just to comfort her hurting friend, so be it. She was never going to see this face again.
Butterflies erupted in Jennifer's stomach as Emily reconnected their lips, taking a step further and guiding her onto the bed. Their clothes went flying; in seconds they were stripped down to only their bras and underwear.
"Are you sure?" Emily needed to hear confirmation from the woman now pinned under her arms and torso before she could continue. She had to be sure JJ wanted this.
JJ's blue eyes glistened like crystals underneath the glare of the moonlight shining through the windows of the flat. She gave a small nod. "I'm sure."
Her voice didn't waver. She was sure. This is exactly what she wanted. She would deal with Will later. Tonight, was for her and Emily. Their ultimate goodbye. JJ would be leaving in the morning.
JJ never regretted what happened in that one bedroom Paris flat. The only thing she regretted was leaving the next morning with Emily believing that all of the kissing, the sex, the cuddling into the morning hours; that all of that had meant nothing to her.
JJ was a coward when it came to dealing with her own emotions, afraid of pain and conflict. She'd walked out of that flat and decided that what had happened in Paris, stayed in Paris. Tonight though, three years later, JJ was done. She'd been beaten, electrocuted, waterboarded and emotionally scarred. All because of a damn secret. She was sick of the secrets and the lies. She was done being afraid.
Will wrapped his arm around JJ's shoulder, rubbing his hand up and down her upper arm. Her muscles tensed at the sensation, images of Michael Hastings running his hands coarsely over her breasts and stomach flashed through her mind and she shivered, suddenly feeling sick. Thankfully Will didn't notice. She didn't think she could handle answering those questions tonight, not from him. There was only one thing she wanted to discuss with her husband tonight and for the first time in six years, JJ actually had the guts to do it.
"Will."
The man's hand stilled. JJ's voice was even, not weak as it had been before. Something wasn't right.
"I need to talk to you." JJ glanced around the room. Her team members were still chatting away, laughing and relishing in the success of the night; completely oblivious to the growing tension between the married couple. "Outside."
JJ brushed past Will without meeting his eyes; afraid of wavering her motivation. Will was a good guy and she deeply wished there was some other way; that she could make herself feel about him the way she felt about Emily. But after six years of effort and nothing, she was tired. She couldn't lie anymore; to Will, to Emily, to Henry, to herself.
Will followed his wife out the back entrance of the bar onto a small patio. A few glass tables here and there, the space lined with olive green bushes. The doors were glass, see through; JJ could see Emily clearly from where she stood. She'd done that on purpose, chosen this spot. Just in case she clammed up and felt she couldn't go through with it, she'd be able to glance over and remember the reason why she was risking the safety net she had built.
JJ's right hand scratched at her upper left arm, which hang loosely at her side; it was a nervous tick of hers. Her tell, as Spence had told her once.
"JJ?"
She still wouldn't look at him; her stomach felt like a melting pot of a lifetime's worth of nerves. Where did she even begin?
"If you're in pain, babe, we can go. I'm sure your team wouldn't mind."
Something of a mix between a laugh and a scoff escaped the blonde as new tears stung her already mascara stained rims. Despite being a little possessive at times, all this man had ever done was love and care for her, and she was about to crush him.
"No, it's not-," she broke her fixated gaze on the concrete under her feet, looking up at Will for the first time in minutes. His eyes studied her; gray orbs a combination of confusion and concern. Her fingers stopped scratching, now clenched around the area right above her elbow, so tight that her knuckles were turning white. Bare nails tore into the skin around her thumbnail, another nervous tick of hers. Her and Emily were quite a pair in that way. She bit and JJ picked. It was analogous to their personalities. Emily was the one who jumped into things head first, biting the head off, ripping off the bandaid; JJ was more hesitant, she lingered and dwelled over things before she either psyched herself out of them or decided to do them.
"I'm-," not in love with you.
The swallow JJ managed was painful against her already sore throat, like rubbing sandpaper against an already open wound. There arose another question: Should she rip off the bandaid or ease him into it?
"Babe, what is it?" Will took a step forward, reaching his arm out for hers, wanting to provide his wife some comfort. When JJ retreated from his touch, his eyebrows furrowed, worry lines forming between them.
"I can't lie anymore," the words came out in a mumble, her voice so low and so soft Will could hardly distinguish them.
"What're you talking about?" Will was growing concerned. JJ's wide eyed gaze was trained on the ground below them, her posture slumped over ever so slightly, which was unusual for the FBI trained woman. Her arms had now shifted to be crossed over one another, a signal that he knew meant she was guarded, protecting herself. But he'd never been in the presence of such a seemingly small and vulnerable JJ before. She never showed him that side of her. "JJ?"
"It's not fair," she whispered. She closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose as she took a deep, calming breath. She could do this. She needed to do this. Jennifer looked up; forcing herself to make eye contact with the gray eyes she'd been studying for years. "It's not fair to you and it's not fair to Henry, and I can't do it anymore, Will."
The blonde had a pretty good read on Will LaMontagne Jr., as his wife and a profiler. The reaction she was observing, she'd expected. The confusion had drained from the detective's face as the realization of her words sunk into his brain. His screwed up eyebrows retreated back to their normal positions, a look of dread washing over him; widening eyes and mouth dropping open just a pinch. She could even see his esophagus working to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat, his almond shaped eyes squinting as he struggled to keep the tears she knew were forming at bay.
"It's Emily. Isn't it?"
That, JJ had not expected.
Jennifer stumbled backwards, the force of Will's innocent question ramming into her like a bullet to the chest. Her heart started to beat faster; she could feel her blood pressure rising. Blood pumped loudly in her ears.
"What would make you think that?"
Diversion.
"Come on, JJ," Will patronized, confusing her. He didn't look mad or hurt. His behavior and tone of voice suggested more of…. expectancy. "I might be from the South, but my thinkin' ain't that backwards."
JJ's right hand found her arm again, the rubbing intensifying at the same rate as her nerves.
"You think I don't notice the way you two look at one another?"
JJ gulped. Maybe she hadn't been as secretive as she thought.
"Why-," her voice was hoarse, probably from all the crying and yelling she'd done in the past twenty four hours. "Why did you never say anything?"
She didn't understand. If he knew, if he suspected there was something between her and Emily, why didn't he say something? Why did he stay? Wait. "How long have you known?"
Her tone had gone hard. Please don't say…
"Since the case we worked in Miami."
"Six years," she hissed. "Why? If you knew, why did you ask me to marry you?"
Now JJ was the one who was angry, although deep down she knew she didn't have the right to be.
"'Cause like you, I'm a little bit selfish." JJ's eyes fell shut as the first tear escaped down her cheek. "But don't even try to place the blame on me, JJ. You never said anything to me either."
"Because I was afraid!" The words flew from her mouth with a forcefulness JJ didn't even know she had in her after the nightmare she'd just been through. "And you knew that."
This time, it was Will who averted his eyes.
"That case. What you discovered about your friend, you're telling me, you also discovered about me?" JJ's voice was even, slow, her words punctuated with a hardness Will was much familiar with. "And you still-"
"Yes," Will cut her off. He had spent years trying to justify his reasons for keeping quiet about what he knew, for keeping JJ to himself and he didn't think he could handle hearing the woman he loves repeat it to him out loud. "Yes, I did."
"But listen to me, JJ. I didn't make you do anything you didn't wanna do," he reminded the woman standing opposite of him.
JJ knew he was right; he wasn't responsible for her fears but it didn't make the knowing any less painful.
"Answer me this, Jennifer," JJ looked up at the use of her full name, catching Will's intense, almost invasive stare. "Are you really tellin' me that you regret the last six years we've spent together?"
JJ fell silent for a moment. She didn't have to think about the answer; she already knew what it was. "No. No, of course not. You gave me Henry. And I do love you, Will. You're such a great guy and you are an amazing father. You're one of my closest friends."
Will took JJ's face in his hands, leaning his forehead against hers. "Then why, Jay?" JJ tightened her jaw, swallowing thickly against the familiar warmth his touch elicited in her stomach. She could feel his breath against her face as he spoke; the alcohol he'd consumed that night evident in his scent and exacerbated accent. "Why do you wanna give up somethin' you know is so damn great?"
"Because I'm not in love with you, Will," she whispered, pleading with him to understand and accept that ending this is what she wanted. "I'm sorry."
Will removed his hands from around JJ's face and backed away from her; he was close to admitting defeat.
"It's not fair to you and it's sure as hell not fair to me. Just, please believe me when I say it's for the best."
JJ waited for his reaction with eyes full of hope and anguish, her hands clasped together so tightly her already pale skin was turning paper white.
After a few moments, the older man gave a small nod. "Okay."
Acceptance.
"Okay?" JJ honestly hadn't expected a man of his intense passion to give in so easily.
"Yeah," Will shrugged, as though the idea of divorcing JJ was going to be a walk in the park. They both knew it wasn't, especially not with Henry in the mix. "You've always had one foot out the door in our relationship, JJ. I knew this was gonna happen someday. It was just a matter of when."
Anger flared in the blonde woman, his word choice making her feel as though she'd been used as some sort of pawn in a chess game for the last six years. She forced herself to push it to the back of her mind, shoving it into some filing cabinet to be used another day. She and Will had both made mistakes. This whole mess was on the both of them.
"I'm sorry, Will. I wish I felt differently. I really, really do."
Will nodded again; there were really no other words left to say, just tears to shed.
"I'm gonna head ho-," Will stopped himself mid-word, forcing a coughing-like clear of his throat to disguise the tears that wanted to fall. "-back to the house. I'll sleep on the couch tonight, if you want. We can talk more in the morning."
"Yeah," JJ feigned a limp grin. "Sounds good."
She wasn't sure how she was going to proceed with this whole situation. She hadn't thought that far ahead yet. But talking more in the morning sounded like a good place to start.
"Have a good night, JJ."
With those last words, Will turned on his heels and walked back inside the bar and straight out the front entrance, not even bothering to give any of the team members a glance or a goodbye as he walked past.
Noticing the rush the man they had all come to consider as a friend was in, all seven of them went silent. Confused looks overtook their faces as they glanced around for JJ, wondering if she was right behind him.
Turning her head a small degree to the left, Emily found her. She stood behind the glass doors that led to the patio, her eyes glistening with unshed tears made them appear much more of an oceanic blue than usual. They locked eyes, and JJ could read the message in Emily's dark orbs immediately. What the hell did you just do?
JJ dragged her hands down her scarred face, pressing into the cuts and bruises; the pain it caused a welcome relief to the turmoil running amok inside. Her thoughts were racing a million miles a minute. 'What have I just done? What if I made the wrong choice? What if I'm going to regret this? What if I just ruined Henry's life? What if Emily doesn't even want to be with me anymore?' What if. What if. What if.
Amidst the dizzying anxieties, there was a deep seeded freedom she could feel forming in the pit of her stomach and blossoming into her chest. She was legally still married to Will but he knew, she'd told him; she can finally do the one thing she's longed to do for years now. She can go up to Emily, kiss her, tell her how she feels, tell her that she loves her, tell her to stay.
Fuck it.
This was her chance. There was nothing left for her to lose. Except for Emily, the conniving voice of the devil weighing on her subconscious whispered.
No.
JJ needed to do this; it might be her last chance. Emily was leaving in five hours and JJ would be damned if she let the painful breaking up of her marriage be for nothing. She had already waited seven years too long; she wasn't about to let Emily Prentiss walk away again.
With one last breath of courage, Jennifer pulls back the metal door handle, and walks back inside of the dimly lit bar. Emily watched with a wide eyed curiosity as JJ minced closer, chalking the minute limp in her steps up to the pain likely emanating from her ribs and general weakness overall.
What is she doing?
Emily was suddenly aware of her former team members grouped around her. No one else was there. Rossi had talked to the manager, a friend of his, and had asked if he could clear out the place so the team could have a celebratory night in private. At the time, it had sounded like a good idea but now, the brunette only felt more claustrophobic.
Penelope stood to her right. There was a decently sized gap between her and Alex Blake, enough room for JJ to make her way through. Next to Blake followed Rossi, Derek, Reid, and then Hotch; they were all there. Emily didn't know if JJ was aware of this or if she just didn't care, but whatever was about to happen between them, the entire team would be witness to it. And neither one of them had ever been one to make their private lives public knowledge.
The closer JJ got, the less she seemed to falter; her pace seemed to be speeding up. There was a look in her eyes that took Emily a moment to identify but once it was placed, she could hear, and feel, the increased beating of her heart thudding in her ears. The way her blue eyes twinkled, Emily knew; it was the same look JJ had given her that night in Paris. The only thing absent was the haze that had shielded her from detecting any emotion other than lust. These eyes; they were bright blue, clear as day, she could see into them. The reading: longing, want, love.
What the hell is she doing? Should I stop her? What about Will? Henry? Fuck, London. What about London? She doesn't love me. Right? What is she doing? Why is she-
JJ's pale lips captured Emily's, throwing the agent entirely off balance. She pulled herself up onto the tips of her toes, the stretch straining her aching muscles but JJ didn't care. She wanted Emily closer. She placed her hand on the back of Emily's head, her fingers tangling in her brunette strands. She pushed the taller woman down, closer but Emily pulled away.
JJ clenched her jaw, eyes squeezed shut. The tears hadn't wasted a single moment to well up at the rejection of the one person she wanted the most. She didn't care who saw. She didn't care who knew. Six years ago, she would have. Six years ago, she did. And because she'd cared, she had wasted six years doing a dance around the woman who made her feel things she never even knew were possible to feel.
"Jennifer," Emily whispered, her breathing ragged. She was still recuperating from the passion of the kiss. The lower half of her forehead rested against the top of JJ's, their height difference unnoticeable to anyone but them.
JJ's chest tightened at Emily's use of her full name. Emily was the only person in her life she was close to, besides her mom, that she allowed to call her that. More tears formed and the blonde grew afraid that she would no longer be able to hold them back.
"I don't want to run anymore, Emily," her voice wavered against the heaviness of her tears. JJ had said the same exact words to Will six years before but back then, they had been just words. She hadn't lied to him, though. She was tired of running from getting hurt. She'd wanted to settle down with someone. Thought if she forced herself to be with someone she already held a deep fondness for, someone who loved her, that eventually she would be able to reciprocate those same feelings. That the overwhelming feelings she had for Emily Prentiss would dwindle away until there were simply none left. But that never happened.
So here she was, in a bar surrounded by her chosen family, injured head to toe, finally confessing to Emily the feelings she had been harboring for years. JJ could only pray that Emily felt the same.
'She- what?' Emily pulled away, breaking their contact. She stood eerily still, studying the woman whose head was tilted downwards; tears leaking out of her firmly shut eyes.
When it came to relationships, Emily's first instincts were always to doubt the reality of the situation. She always forced herself to believe something different than what her gut told her was real. It was one way she protected herself from getting hurt. But the feelings enticed by JJ's lips connecting with her own; the butterflies swarming in her stomach, the rapid beating of her heart, the way that everything just felt so right, Emily could feel the guard protecting her heart begin to breakdown. Maybe Jennifer Jareau did have feelings for her. Maybe it was okay to believe that.
"Are you saying-?" Emily didn't have to finish the question; JJ already knew what she was asking. And the answer was yes.
Jennifer lifted her head. Emily's gaze was hesitant, but hopeful.
"I am," she confirmed. "I have for a long time, but I was too afraid to do anything about it."
Emily didn't take her eyes off of JJ as she poured every ounce of her heart out to her. Every confirmation of what she'd refused to let herself believe to be true, knocking her walls down a little bit more. She detected JJ's nerves, saw the way she was rubbing at her upper arm, so she slid her hand up the olive green sleeve of her sweater and removed her hand from the cloth, and then rested her hand on top of her shoulder giving it a reassuring squeeze. The muscles under Emily's fingers began to loosen.
"I've wasted so much time, Em, and I don't want to waste anymore. I said no more lies and I couldn't stand the thought of you leaving without telling you that I don't want to run anymore. Not from you."
JJ's eyes searched Emily's for some sort of reciprocation. In her sleep deprived state, the blonde didn't notice the way her darkened eyes had warmed up to a pool of chocolate brown. Her stomach twisted with anxiety and she was quick to provide Emily with a way out, "I understand if you don't feel the same way. I've played with your head for so long and it wasn't fair-"
"I swear to God, Jennifer," the rushed mumble left Emily's mouth as she yanked on JJ's hand, just forceful enough for her trip into her. Their lips crashed together, and in the most cliche way, sparks flew. Emily's hands traveled up the blonde's collarbone to brush some invading locks out of the way. She cupped JJ's left cheek with her hand, being careful to avoid the cuts and bruises. Everything about this moment was perfect.
JJ's response to the kiss was immediate, relief as she felt all of her worries begin to fade away. She rested her hand on Emily's chest, feeling her heart beat to a calming rhythm underneath her palm. Emily's lips were soft, lightly marinated with the alcoholic beverage she'd been sipping on that night. Feeling Emily's lips against hers, JJ couldn't remember a time in her life where she felt more safe.
Neither one of them wanted to pull away but they were beginning to run out of air. Jennifer held Emily's face against her own, placing one last kiss gently on her mouth. The two women stood there for a few moments, just holding the other close and rejoicing in the comfort this long awaited revelation brought them.
"So," JJ whispered, still panting. The forcefulness of the kiss was something she'd never experienced before; the air had been knocked from her lungs, the ground from underneath her feet. "Does this mean you're going to stay?"
A cheeky smile overtook the blonde's flushed face. Emily chuckled, tears springing into her eyes yet again that night, this time for an entirely different reason. God. She'd waited for this moment for so long, she couldn't believe it was actually happening. The entire thing felt like a dream. The most amazing dream.
"Okay."
Jennifer's smile beamed almost as brightly as the sun. "Okay."
The two agents had completely forgotten about the rest of their team. They all stood stock still, each of them wearing a different expression but on the inside, their reactions were all the same.
A mischievous smirk spread across Penelope Garcia's cheeks as she wiggled herself away from her two best friends, leaving them to have a moment of privacy.
"Twenty bucks," the bubbly blonde held out her hand in front of Derek. "Hand it over."
"Damn," Morgan shook his head, unable to believe he was admitting defeat. He reached into his back pocket with a huff as he fished for his wallet. "I thought they were never going to admit it."
"Yeah, what's it been like six years?" Rossi chided in.
"Actually, it's been about seven," Spencer piped up, receiving a glare for his correction.
One by one, each member of the team filed out of the bar, leaving the two women to savor this moment of bliss before Emily took JJ home. They would return to reality in the morning.