Yashamaru reads to me. We read a big book. It covers my legs and I see little toes sticking out. He says
"This is the world."
I see many colors.
"These are forests. These are cliffs. These are jungles."
One is all blue. I point and I ask why it is just blue. Yashamaru says
"That is called: Ocean. It is an endless water."
Endless? I ask. What is Endless?
"It means it is bigger than we can see."
I look at the page which is so big and so blue. Bigger than the desert? I say
"Yes." Yashamaru says.
"Much bigger than all of Wind Country."
I am confused. This book which is so big my toes stick out is not bigger than the desert. I hold it up; hold it close to my face. Now all I see is blue. Like this? I ask. Yashamaru laughs. It is a sound like straw against stone, it makes me feel warm inside. I smile at him when he laughs; it is a big smile. I show all my teeth.
"Sukoshi kaze"
He says it soft. I am so happy I listen hard.
"Sukoshi kaze, come to the window. I will show you the Ocean."
I get up and carry my big book, it scratches the floor under my arm.
"Come to the window. Float here."
I try. The sand is unsteady under my feet. I fall on my butt. Plop. I am scared now. Scared that Yashamaru will be angry with me. But his face is happy.
"Try again Sukoshi kaze. Up, up now."
I try again. I fall. I am too scared to try another time. I stay on the ground and my knees are up. They shake. They are baby birds. Shake shake. Yashamaru is talking to me. His voice is soft but I am scared. I close my eyes. His voice is louder now, closer. I grab my knees, I try to make them not shake anymore. I feel his hand on my back. Pat pat pat. His hand is big and warm. I listen to his voice.
"Sukoshi Kaze. Do not hide the Moon and Sky from me, you must pay attention."
I peek at him. His face is close now. His eyes are grey. They are rain clouds; a good color. I open my eyes a bit. Open my mouth.
What moon? What sky?
He points to my eyes, smiles big. I see all his teeth. They are round and flat and the color of old milk. I am happy to see them. But I am still confused.
"There is the Moon and there is the Sky." He points big fingers to both my eyes. I touch where he points. I feel skin, soft and thin where it goes black. I look at Yashamaru, eyes open big.
"Which one is Moon and which one is Sky?"
Yashamaru laughs his broom laugh. He stands up. Looks down at me from his tall tower.
"Up now. Try again. And do not hide from me."
I stand, try hard not to shake. The sand is squirming under my feet. I focus hard and it stops, goes quiet. I lift my hands, lift a bit and it moves. Up, up, like Yashamaru says. Up to the ceiling.
"That is far enough. Come back down now and look out the window."
I feel the sand move with my chest. In. Out. In. Out. I kneel on it. It does not drop me this time. I am safe. I look out the window. There is the desert. Like Yashamaru says: Endless.
"Now look Sukoshi Kaze. See all that sand? Imagine it is blue."
I try, focus very hard. It is all brown and white. I close my eyes before I remember not to hide the Sky and Moon. Close them tight and focus. The sand goes still under my knees but it will not drop me again. I focus hard and open my eyes. There! It is all blue. Blue like the big book. I turn to Yashamaru.
It is blue!
"Yes." He says. He is smiling his soft smile, his eyes go sleepy. I show him all my teeth.
"That is Ocean." He says.
We both look out the window. Look at Ocean.
I want to play Ocean I say.
Yashamaru plays with me. He doesn't get mad when I say things or look at him. He nods and says we can. His eyes are sleepy clouds. I grab my wraps and tie them around my shoulders tight so the sun doesn't get through. He follows behind as I run down the stairs. He does not tell me to be careful. I run outside, to the bright light. It makes my eyes hurt but I run anyway. There is blue everywhere. Ocean everywhere. I stand in the Ocean; stretch out my arms to the tips of Ocean. My fingers are the ends of Ocean; they stretch far far over the line of sky. Yashamaru walks up behind me, says
"What are you doing, Sukoshi Kaze?"
I am standing on Ocean I say. Stretching my arms to the ends. Yashamaru laughs his broom laugh.
"That is not how the Ocean is. You must swim in the Ocean or you will fall to the bottom which is as deep as the Earth."
I am scared now. I lower my arms. I do not want to fall into Ocean I say. He smiles and says
"Then you must swim. Here; I will show you."
He leans forward and moves his arms like the monkeys in the square with little cups for money. Up, out, down, back. I laugh. He smiles at me.
"Now you try."
I do the monkey dance and he laughs his broom laugh again. It carries on the wind it is so loud. I keep doing the monkey dance until he is bent over, face red and his broom laugh sweeps out in gasps.
"Ok, ok, Lord Gaara. That is a good first try. I think you can swim now."
I am happy. I swim in Ocean until the sun is almost gone. I close my eyes and imagine. Imagine there are things in Ocean. I find many creatures. There are snakes and scorpions and little colorful things like in the big book. Yashamaru calls them fish. He sits on a rock and watches me find things. I find many fish. All the colors. Grey like Yashamaru's cloud eyes. Blue like Ocean. White like sunlight. Brown like sand. All the colors. When it is dark he calls me to him.
"Sukoshi Kaze."
I run to him, arms full of little fish. I take them to my room, dump them on the floor. Yashamaru picks through them and we separate them by the colors. There are four piles. He says I can keep them. I pick them up one by one, throw them around and find them again. One hits my chair but I do not care. Yashamaru says sleepy eyed that he must leave now, must rest. I do not want him to go but he gets up anyway. I ask if I will see him tomorrow. He nods and says
"Every day, Lord Gaara. Sukoshi Kaze. Every day."
He smiles again, walks out the door. It is very dark, very quiet. I look at the little fish piles, pick up a blue one. They are all blue in the moonlight. My chest is heavy, it is so quiet. I throw the fish. It hits my table, breaks off splintering wood. I do not care. I pick up the fish one by one, throw them everywhere. I do not care. They are only rocks.