A/N: Inspired by the wonderful song 'For the first time in forever' (Disney's Frozen). A one parter, all from Mike Banner's POV. Loosely based on the episode 'Love and Loss'. I hope you enjoy and thank you for your continued support :)
The night was going to be a long one. The wards were quiet, although there was only one patient I was interested in. Luckily she was sleeping, a sight I was pleased to see. Gordon too was sleeping, for now at least, as he'd woken frequently, making sure she was ok, offering comfort when needed. I merely hovered, unable to sit for any length of time. I knew I'd be fetched if there was a problem, yet didn't want to be too far away.
I sat, casting my mind back to the day's unfortunate events, trying to focus entirely on the job. She was my friend, a colleague, someone I cared dearly for. My job was simple, to watch her until morning, when Mr Rose arrived for his ward round. I was a mere doctor.
I'd seen people in pain before, as part of my job I see it every day. Yet nothing prepared me for this, it was worse than I could've ever imagined. I found it hard going, seeing Gordon's desperation, could tell he was hurting too. For the first time I hated my job, sitting in theatre trying to keep her alive, hearing Mr Rose's diagnosis, what he'd have to do. I looked over at Gordon, the pained look on his face hard to take, the look in Sister Brigid's eyes. All I had to do was keep her alive. We could all take a breath and mull it over later.
Now, she was lying in a quiet corner of Fawcett, wires and tubes supplying her with all she needed to stay alive,bandages and stitches restricting her every movement. Gordon hadn't left her, not even for a second. Holding her hand the entire time. Scared of leaving. Running through Jill's shocking revelations, trying to take in the events of the past 6 hours. He'd had no idea how she was feeling. The baby a complete shock. He had no idea. You could tell Gordon's heart was breaking inside. I'd never seen him so low, yet we all saw another side to him. He was so concerned, beside himself with worry. Nothing anyone could do or say could make it any easier for him. He watched her slipping away, slowly giving in to the pain that was consuming her faster than anyone could've foreseen. No one should have had to see that.
Instead we left theatre in silence, trying to make sense of what had just happened. Could say it was in a state of shock, as we'd all seen her well just hours before.
I thought back to the conversations we had. Handing her the piece of paper that started it all. She told me things she was too scared to tell Gordon. The worry of having another, Gordon's reaction. We both knew he'd be happy, it was her reaction that worried me. The uncertainty, not knowing what she was going to do. She told of Gordon's expectations, wanting her to give up work, something she wasn't prepared to do. The guilt that was slowly eating away at her. I could see the guilt was destroying her slowly. Taking away the spark that we know and love. Not helped by the situation with the child being taken from the nursery, which she dealt with in her usual professional, calm way. The child was brought back safe, and returned to the elated parents, all thanks to Jill. She looked uncomfortable, yet brushed it off. I trusted her.
I headed back to the ward, down the long dark corridors, back to Fawcett, knowing what I needed to do, what I was looking for. I acknowledged Matron and Sister Brigid, who sat in the middle. I was handed her notes, ready to review and add to. The curtain still drawn, allowing them the privacy they deserved, away from prying eyes, awkward questions. I checked the transfusion, make sure everything was running through smoothly. I tried not to wake her, however I noticed Gordon stirring, before falling asleep once more. She was ok, as well as could be expected. That was all I could hope for.
I took her notes back with me, to fill in. I had a quick look through, adding my contribution, not wanting to see too much. She was a friend, a well respected colleague, now a patient. Some things I wasn't sure I wanted to know, but as her GP I felt I should, just incase they crop up again. There really wasn't much, more about the premature birth of their son than anything else. Last time she'd seen anyone was before I arrived. Now this, the latest chapter.
From reading her notes, seeing her lying there, being her confidant, I felt different. I genuinely cared about her. We'd always got on well, she'd even told me that they were going through a rough patch. She apologized profusely on his behalf on more than one occasion. Yet there wasn't a lot I could do, except go through the what if's. What if I'd noticed sooner? What would've happened had she made it to Ashfordly? Questions I'd never know the answers to. Just focus on the future, getting them through this.
For the first time in forever, I cared about someone more than I ever had before. Just to see her smile again, that's enough for me, to be happy. I wanted her to get her spark back.
For the first time in forever, I could let my guard down, and just be Mike Banner. Friend, confidant. I was happy with that.