Song by Martina McBride
CBS owns everything else
thought about calling it "alternate universe" cuz all us Grillows people know this would never happen!
Catherine sat on her sofa with both knees tucked up against her chest. One arm was wrapped tightly around her knees and the other held a twice-refilled glass of red wine. She was, yet again, alone in her house; the house that used to have two owners and used to be referred to as 'their' or 'our' home. Catherine feels lonely just thinking about the house that is now called 'hers' or 'mine'. He, of course, didn't want the house. He had another place to go to. She didn't want it. It was an everyday reminder of how lonely she really was. She didn't want a lot of what had happened. It still didn't make sense.
Since he left, Catherine hasn't bothered to do much at all. She had to switch jobs. Not only was she having trouble holding her life together, but she had to piece together other people's deaths with him everywhere she turned. She took a job on dayshift, but part-time. Money wasn't her concern; she had a rich father, Sam Braun, that she was now ready to accept money from if it was needed. Her job was just to keep herself busy. When she was home, however, she didn't pick up after herself. Of course she did as much cleaning as was necessary. The kitchen and bathrooms were cleaned to keep the house habitable, but she delayed in washing the laundry and hadn't even moved anything in 'their' bedroom. She sleeps on the pull-out couch and lives out of the clothes in the laundry basket. There's only one word that can describe how she's been since he's been gone: Pathetic.
Tonight, however, she did not mind feeling pathetic. She knew she deserved to feel bad at least this night if not any other. Tonight is the eve of the day she's been dreading. The day that would compete with the day he left for the title of 'worst day of her life'.
Catherine drained her wine glass and chose to set it down rather than fill it with the remaining liquid in the bottle. The magical liquid known as alcohol; used to take away all sorts of pain, and it wasn't working for her. She spread some of the pictures around on the coffee table with the tips of her fingers. She had albums open and shoe boxes of pictures dumped out on the table in front of the couch. There were pictures from when they first met and when she first became a CSI. There were pictures from parties or celebrations when a CSI would move up a level and the CSIs would gather for a few short moments. Pictures from their first meaningful dance. Pictures from her birthday a few years back when he told her he loved her. Pictures from the wedding and honeymoon a few short months after that birthday. She pulled out a sheet of notebook paper from one of the albums in front of her and quickly scanned it before throwing it back into the pile. It was one of the daily love letters he sent her when he was away for a week long business trip to Baltimore, Maryland. She missed him so much, and when he came back they spent days alone with each other doing absolutely nothing.
Catherine shook her head trying to free her mind from the poisonous memories she was left with. The memories were wonderful when they were made, but tainted, now. Her eyes burned, but she didn't cry. She still hasn't cried since they said their last goodbye. She didn't know what kept her from crying. Maybe crying would bring the awful truth that she had been desperately denying.
There's a photo in an album he don't notice anymore
That's me, that's me
There's a stack of cards and letters buried deep inside a drawer
That's me, that's me
And the shirt that I once slept in hanging loose behind the door
Tossed aside so carelessly
That's me, Oh, That's me
She gave up. She had to do something to get ready for tomorrow. She had a simple dress laid out. It was a pretty blue color. Part of her wanted to wear black because she was in mourning, but she didn't want to be shocking. Instead she wanted to blend in. Blue worked perfectly. To others it would be seen as a pretty spring color, but she would only know that blue expressed her feelings. She felt blue; sad and depressed all the time.
She pulled out a floral purse with a few subtle colors including the one that matched her dress. She walked it over to the counter in the kitchen. She grabbed the purse that she was currently using and dumped its contents on the table. She was switching to a significantly smaller purse and could only choose a few necessary items. She chose her keys and a few makeup items before turning to her wallet. She could easily shove the wallet in her purse and be done with it, but since when was anything easy? She couldn't resist temptation and she opened her wallet to reveal a picture of him. She sees it every time she opens her wallet. It hurts her to see it, but she's afraid to take it out. The next picture was of her daughter, Lindsey. Catherine's heart sank with guilt.
After all of this, Catherine couldn't have been the role model a mother is supposed to be. Obviously, Lindsey must be affected by Catherine's depression and self pity. If Catherine was walking around work and someone would mention him, or she'd be traveling down memory lane and accidently let his name slip, then she would spend the next day, or even week, being lazy, depressed, and more times than not, she would drink herself to sleep. The drinking especially worried Catherine. Her first husband, Eddie would come home drunk and beat Catherine, and now Catherine is drinking most nights. What was Lindsey supposed to think? The only problem was; Catherine couldn't stop. It was her only way to stop the haunting his name would cause. She loves him but could not have him- couldn't have him anymore.
There's a picture in my wallet and one less faded in my mind
That's him, that's him
There's a name that always haunts me and it slips from time to time
That's him, that's him
And theres a yearning that I feel in my heart and in my soul
An old flame that'll never dim
That's him, I know that's him
It's not that the love ran out. That was far from what happened. It doesn't make sense, but it was too much love. They were two of a kind, but at work they were forced into competing. Grissom was supervisor of the graveshift, but refused to adjust to keep up with the demanding times and he was incapable of handling the social aspects the job required. Catherine had been moved to swing shift supervisor, but was being shoved by the evil Conrad Ecklie, into taking Grissom's job. Though Catherine did want the job to further her career goals, she stayed loyal to her husband and took on the new goal of improving his social skills to make him a better supervisor. The constant pressuring of trying to make him face social problems in the lab usually brought the couple's fights at the lab home with them. It was Catherine's fault from the beginning. They started arguing about everything. Usually the arguing was for the others best interests, but it wasn't the words that made them angry. It was the fact that they were fighting. They never fought; even about helping the other. One day a fight turned into one Catherine would never expect from Grissom. He criticized her past as a stripper and cocaine user who was a magnet for jerks like Eddie. He then criticized her choice to stay with her cheating and wife-beating husband as long as she did, claiming she was giving her daughter a bad example. He instantly regretted everything he said and Catherine was willing to forgive him. They both knew that Grissom didn't mean any of what he said, but he was not willing to forgive himself.
He didn't apologize; his eyes said it all. Instead he said, "Catherine, I love you and always will. They say 'love is not enough' but, Catherine, could it be that love is too much?" and with that he left and the next day she found divorce papers in her mailbox, awaiting her signature.
So, it was her fault. Their love grew too much and, trying to help each other, they ended up criticizing to the point where their love exploded and backfired. They didn't fix it together. Grissom decided that settling for 'less-than-love' would fix it for him, but Catherine would never do that. She'd rather love him no matter what misery it caused her. She at least knew he felt it back, he just wouldn't hold on to it.
(That's me)
Hangin' on 'til the end
(That's me)
Starting all over again
(That's love)
Oh, that's the way it goes
Today is the worst day of her life. She has to watch him move on and force herself to move on as well. Catherine decided today's goal was to blend in and slip away as soon as possible. She had already offered her congratulations when Grissom and Sara announced their engagement (Sara cheerfully, and Grissom with a hint of regret only Catherine and the close friends of the 'team' could detect). Catherine threw on a smile, and Sara, unaware that she was always second best in Grissom's eyes, smiled back and told Catherine that she understood how she felt. She didn't; Sara had no idea.
There's a woman in the chapel in the back row by herself
That's me, that's me
And a man at the altar says "I do" to someone else
That's him, that's him
As the wedding party leaves, throwing rice and wishing well
A single tear falls silently
That's me, Oh, Lord, that's me