Author's Note: Hey everyone! So this is my first fanfic, I've been mostly a reader up to this point but the lack of Spemily fic recently made me decide to write something myself. It is unedited, so all errors are my own and I apologize for them beforehand. Please be kind, and I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: None of the characters or story lines from Pretty Little Liars are mine. If they were, it would be one big Spemily story.
"Em?" Spencer's voice shook on the other end of the phone and I was immediately on alert, ready to act at a moment's notice.
No matter how upset and concerned I was about the pill situation, Spencer was my best friend, and I was ready to do anything for her, especially when she sounded so broken.
"Spence? What is it? Are you okay?" I questioned rapidly despite having been woken up so abruptly, my heart pounding in my chest once I noticed that it was four o'clock in the morning. Sleep didn't come easy to any of us anymore, but four am was pretty extreme, even for Spencer.
I took the silence that followed my question as a moment to rub the sleep out of my eyes and sit up more fully, throwing the covers from my legs and preparing to jump out of bed and run to wherever Spencer was. And I would have. I would have run out into the cold early morning in my bare feet and thin pajamas; I would have run for miles if Spencer was in trouble and needed me.
My best friend took a deep, shaky breath that reverberated across the phone line and I immediately stood and slipped sweatpants over my pajama shorts, stuffing my feet into a soft pair of boots and freaking out as Spencer remained completely silent.
"Spence? Talk to me…" I ordered softly, finally slipping into a jacket before grabbing my purse as I headed down the stairs as quietly as possible. Explaining why I had to leave the house at such an hour to my mother was not something I had time for, especially if whatever Spencer was going through had to do with A. That was not a conversation I wanted or needed to have while Spencer was in trouble.
My best friend still had not answered me.
"Where are you?" I demanded, maybe a little too harshly, but the adrenaline pumping through my system had my heart beating so fast I was afraid I might die of anxiety before I ever reached her.
I couldn't let anything happen to Spencer. Not again. Not after Radley.
"At home," she started, the rest of her words choked off by a sob, and my heart clenched in my chest. She sounded so broken.
"I'm on my way, unlock the kitchen door for me if you can, I'll be there in two minutes," I told her, practically running down the street towards the Hastings' house, "stay on the phone with me, I'm almost there, just hold on for me Spence."
I reached the Hastings' kitchen door in record time. Turning the knob, I was eternally grateful to find it open. As quietly as possible, I crept upstairs, suddenly nervous about what state I might find my friend in. With everything that was happening, from A to college applications to the pills, I had no idea what to expect when I walked into that bedroom. What if she didn't know where she was or what was happening? What if she was back on the pills and had lied to us about being done with them? What if something terrible had happened or A was there and she was truly in trouble?
Taking a deep breath, I tried my best to slow my heart rate and steel my nerves against the possibility of meeting A on the other side of that door before knocking lightly and calling out to her softly, wanting to let her know that I was there before slowly pushing the door open.
The sight before me was a more painful twist to my heart than anything I had experienced since losing Maya.
Spencer Hastings, the strongest and most courageous person I had ever met in my life, was curled up into a tiny ball on top of the covers, staring off into space looking entirely lifeless, the only sign of consciousness the slight shaking of her shoulders as she cried silently into her pillow. She made no indication that she was aware of my presence, so I called out to her softly once more, not wanting to scare or upset her with my sudden appearance. Still, she didn't move much for a few long moments. But then she reached her left hand out slightly behind her, seeming to strain toward me with all the strength she had left.
"Oh Spence," I whispered, practically running to her before crawling onto the bed next to her and gathering her thin body to my own, turning her towards me as I ran a hand through her hair and whispered reassuring words to her, trying my best to calm her down enough that she might be able to speak.
I had no idea how long we laid there, me whispering and Spencer crying quietly into my neck. It seemed that she clung more tightly to me with every passing second and I became more and more concerned as her tears continued to flow.
"Shhh, Spence, it's okay, I've got you. Just talk to me, tell me what's wrong, sweetheart," I whispered, placing a soft kiss to her forehead in a last ditch attempt to calm her.
Surprisingly enough, it seemed to work.
Finally, the tears stopped falling and Spencer pulled away from me a little, though only enough to look in my eyes for a moment before turning away again. Even without the tears she looked so incredibly devastated, a heartbroken beauty if ever I saw one, and I couldn't help but run my hand through her hair again in an attempt to soothe her. All I wanted to do was calm her, take away some of her pain for just a little while as she had for me so many times. I just wanted to protect her. But Spencer was always the protector, and I had absolutely no idea what to do in her place.
She mumbled something quietly into my shoulder, but I couldn't quite make out her words. I was afraid to push her, afraid that I would send her back to that dark place she had just escaped, but I couldn't help her if I didn't know what was wrong.
"I'm sorry, Spence, but I couldn't hear what you said. Can you repeat it for me? You know you can tell me anything, I'm here no matter what," I murmured, trying to catch her eye as she continued to have a staring contest with her comforter.
She shifted slightly and started shaking again, but not so violently this time, and I knew she was nervous. I simply tightened my arms around her, doing my best to make her feel safe.
"I'm so sorry, Em. I'm so sorry I lied to you," Spencer sniffled, glancing up to my eyes for a moment before quickly averting her gaze once more.
"Spence, you don't have to…" I started, wanting to appease her guilt, but was cut off by a violent shake of my best friend's head and the hand she brought to my mouth with almost superhuman speed.
"Yes, I do," she stated firmly, waiting for me to nod my assent before she continued, "after everything that has happened, after the mess I've created between us recently, I should have realized this sooner. I should have realized that the only way we can trust each other to get through this is if we're honest with each other, and I'm sorry if I broke your trust. Out of everyone, you have been my rock through all of this insanity, and I should have come to you, but I was so afraid, Em."
She stopped again, but I could tell there was so much more she wanted to say, and I wanted to know absolutely everything if only because she wanted so badly to tell me.
"Afraid of what, Spence?"
In that moment, I realized I was actually afraid, afraid of what her answer might be, afraid that she was going to say that her fear was of me, of some weakness or vulnerability in me. It only took being told that I was the weakest link among our group once to foster that insecurity in me, and I hadn't quite mastered it even then.
"Afraid that I would disappoint you," she whispered so quietly I could only just make out her words, and when I did I felt like I was going to cry, but I did my best to hold back my tears as she continued. "You are my person, Em, even more so than Toby, and I couldn't tell you what was happening with me because I was terrified that you wouldn't trust me anymore when you saw how weak and vulnerable I was, how useless. I felt like it would be the same as when I got out of Radley and everyone was walking on eggshells around me just waiting for me to break again. I couldn't take the chance that you would stop bringing me in on A stuff because you were afraid I was too fragile. If I weren't in the loop, I couldn't protect you, and I have to protect you, you're my person…" She was rambling by the end and stopped herself abruptly when she realized what she was doing, her eyes suddenly wide after realizing just how much she had shared.
"But why the pills, Spence? What do the pills have to do with it?" I asked gently, my hands still tangled in her hair as I tried to understand how this all fit together.
Just the mention of Radley made me feel intensely guilty, and I had to shake myself to bring my mind back to the present and away from the battered and bruised Spencer that had inhabited that hellish place.
"I was so tired, Em. With school and trying to translate Ali's journal and worrying about all of you and trying to keep up with everything else… I just couldn't do it anymore, it was too much, and I didn't have enough time for everything. What it said in that folder was true; I did struggle with something similar a couple years ago, right after Ali disappeared, before we became friends again. My parents knew about it and they got me help, and I promised them it would never happen again. I thought I could handle them this time, I thought I knew how much I could handle, but things just kept piling up. It was catastrophe after catastrophe, complication after complication, and I couldn't keep everything straight. I needed to focus, but everything just kept getting fuzzier, and that's when I should have stopped. I can't protect you if my head is fuzzy with adrenaline and exhaustion, but I was past that point by then, I needed them too much, the pills that is, and then the whole Ezra debacle happened, and I couldn't even think about giving them up. I was so lost, and I wanted to come to you. That's probably why I called you at four o'clock in the morning when I was completely out of my mind and sleep walking the other night; even my subconscious was reaching out to you. Now my parents know and I don't know what they're going to do, and I can't get sent away because I have to protect you guys. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I was too weak to actually talk to you about everything, I'm sorry if I've lost your confidence, and god I'm so sorry if this puts you guys in more danger than ever if my parents send me away. Just please don't hate me, I couldn't handle it if you hated me," she explained tearfully, my heart breaking with every word.
Spencer had always been the tough one, standing up to Ali, going after what she wanted, and I was ashamed to say that I never even contemplated that she might need help before her stay in Radley. Even after she got out, after a while she seemed to be back to her old self, Detective Hastings all over again, and I never thought that it was just an act, a façade to protect herself from the world and protect us from what she saw as weakness. I had been so blind, so single-minded in my pursuit of Ali that I had forgotten about the person that had been by my side through everything. Never in my life had I felt so terrible, and I hugged Spencer to me tightly in an effort to assuage some of the guilt. At least I could be there for her now, even if it could never make up for my negligence in the past.
"Spence, there is absolutely nothing weak about you. You are the strongest, most courageous, most loyal person I have ever known. All you have ever done is try to protect us, but you don't have to protect us from you, and you don't always have to be so strong. That's what friends are for. Let us be your strength when you feel yourself flagging under the pressure. God knows you have enough to do without this A bullshit looming over you. We never should have let you decipher that journal on your own; we took the easy way out, but not again. From now on you tell us when you need a break, we'll go out to the lake or something, try to get your mind on something else for a couple hours, make you take a nap at the very least. You have to take care of yourself, Spence. I don't know what I would do if I lost you," I told her passionately, pulling her chin up so that she was looking me right in the eyes.
I couldn't lose her; I had to make her understand that.
"How can I protect you if I'm busy taking care of myself? Hell Emily, A almost got to you in school the other night. He drove a fucking car into your house! How am I supposed to take a nap when all I can think about is whether or not you're safe? I can't sleep knowing you could be in danger somewhere, you or Hanna or Aria. It's driving me crazy, I'm just so freaking tired."
She was crying again, the tears coming down faster than before, and she pulled me close, burying her head back in the crook of my neck. All I could think was, finally. I had finally got the truth out of her. She wasn't taking pills because she had too much on her plate or because people had unrealistically high expectations of her, it was because she was worried about keeping her friends safe. It was because she was terrified that if she didn't solve this A puzzle as soon as possible then something terrible was going to happen to us, and I think she was terrified of how she would handle that after what led to Radley.
All I could do for some time was hold her as she cried. I was overwhelmed by the strength of her loyalty and love, and I was having trouble processing everything. One thing I did know was that I had to do something to help her, make her see reason, but I was so unsure of myself, and Spencer's sudden flood of emotions was not helping matters.
Looking awkwardly down at her profile while her head was still buried in the crook of my neck, I wondered at the power that lay within her. It took her years to come to this, to break down and look for help. Granted, she looked in a very wrong place, but it spoke to her strength that it took her so long. After Maya, I found solace in alcohol, so I had no room to judge Spencer, and she was the one who helped me through that anyway. Hanna tripled her obsessions with food, shopping and Caleb. And Hanna was right, Aria's addiction was Ezra, he was her way to escape what was happening to us. But until now, Spencer had lived completely in A's world. She had had no escape, not even Toby after what happened in the woods, and I could only marvel at how amazing she was, how much power and strength was hidden in those long limbs, in that incredible heart. I promised myself in that moment that I would do everything in my power to get Spencer through this, whatever happened, I would be there for her one hundred percent. And if I ever got a chance, I would kill the person responsible for trying to bring her down.
"Spencer, you don't always have to protect me. Sometimes, I have to protect me. And sometimes I have to protect you. That's what we do, that's what we've always done. You're my person too, and I would be equally as lost without you, as you would be without me.
Do you remember when we were out at the lake for my party, and we found Jenna half dead in the water? You remember that I'm the one that jumped in after her? Well I did that because I thought she was you. I was terrified that you had drowned in that lake and that you were gone from my life forever.
I was so scared, Spence. I can't do this without you; I need you with me. You make me strong, and I like to think I do the same for you. We need each other, and that means I need all of you, well rested you, not pill popping hyper alert you. I don't need you to be superhuman, I just need Spencer, my best friend, my person," I explained earnestly, holding her gaze with my own.
It took at least a full minute before I got any response at all, but then Spencer's eyes sparkled a little strangely, as though she might cry again, but I got the feeling there was something else she wanted to say. Instead, she just hugged me with an intensity that I had never felt from her before, and I couldn't help but reciprocate. Spencer's arms were safety to me, even when she was hilariously drunk, I felt safe when she was holding me. Even Paige's embrace didn't feel that way, but I pushed that thought from my mind as quickly as it entered and simply reveled in the comfort of being held by my best friend.
"I can't leave you, Em. What am I going to do if my parents try to send me away?" She asked, her voice trembling with anxiety and the tears tumbling from her eyes once more.
"I don't know, but we'll figure it out, Spence, we always do," I assured her, moving to kiss her forehead again. It had become a new habit in the last hour or so, a strange one at that, but Spencer didn't seem to mind, so I tried to rid myself of the guilty feeling the ease of it put in my stomach.
We were silent for some time after that, both lost in thought about what we could actually do if Spencer's parents tried to send her away. I couldn't imagine Mr. and Mrs. Hastings doing such a thing, but then again they didn't have the best track record when it came to taking care of Spencer, and I felt my skin prickle with anger at the thought of how they handled Radley.
Spencer deserved so much better.
I wanted so very badly to simply get up out of Spencer's bed and hurt someone for hurting my best friend that it scared me, but Spencer's arms tightened around me suddenly as if sensing my anger, and I couldn't help but relax back into the embrace.
"Em, can you stay with me tonight? I don't think I can sleep without knowing you're here and safe," Spencer questioned hesitantly after a few more minutes of silence, and I could swear there was a light blush across her cheeks, though it was a little too dark to be certain.
"Of course! Do you want me to text Hanna and Aria, too? Would that help?" I asked quickly, thinking she probably needed to make sure they were safe as well. After the past couple of days, I couldn't help but worry either, especially about Aria.
"No, it's okay, I texted them earlier and they're both home with their families. I think Mike and Aria had a movie night and Hanna was doing something with her mom. I'll be okay as long as you're here, I just need my person tonight," Spencer replied earnestly, and I was pretty sure she was lying about having talked to Aria and Hanna earlier, but I couldn't really bring myself to care.
So, I just nodded and pulled the blankets out from underneath us, covering both Spencer and myself as I wrapped my arms more securely around her. Spencer's face resumed it's place in the crook of my neck and I felt protected all over again, knowing I was with my person, knowing that we were safe together.