A/N: Written for the LJ crackfic challenge.
John Winchester hated white dresses. People often wondered at the strained smile that he sported in his wedding pictures, but John loved Mary, and ever the Marine, he sucked up his childish phobia for the love of his life. He didn't have to like it, though.
Twenty-seven years after that day, John Winchester found himself in Jericho, California to hunt a serial kidnapper of a spirit. He dutifully researched dates, tried to connect the disappearances, finding a single possibility in the identity of his mysterious spirit; Constance Welch, who had taken a swan dive off of the local landmark bridge. Finding that her husband was still alive, John gave a small grin to himself as he picked up the keys.
"So, what possessed Constance to jump?" John inquired with his best fake-reporter impression.
"What kinda question is that?" Joseph Welch was puzzled.
"A good one." John strained not to give a 'duh' face like his youngest son used to do all the time.
"Well, she killed our children. I know I made a few mistakes, but she was the love of my life!" Joseph looked near to tears.
"So you're saying you had an affair while Constance was alive, and that she went crazy and killed your children?" Alarm bells began to ring in John Winchester's head, but he shrugged them off.
"That has to be the stupidest question you've asked yet. And you've asked some perty nut-job questions." Joseph reached for the shotgun, just out of arms reach, on the fence.
Noticing this, John plastered the biggest fake smile he could on his face. "Thank you for your time."
Back in his motel room, John surrounded himself with stolen library reference books, coming across a most intriguing entry in the All-About-Angry-Spirits book that he found. John particularly liked the book due to its colourful (and surprisingly accurate) cartoon renditions. Stopping on the page, he read the entry aloud to himself.
"The Woman in White phenomenon occurs when a scorned woman goes totally wacko, killing her child(ren), and then finally kills herself in remorse, either by jumping off a tall object, self-impalement or slicing her own thigh. This is not to be confused with the Woman in Cream, who is a dairy-maid who died under a cow stampede and causes stampedes and milk sourings after her death, or the Woman in Ecru, who causes wall paper to melt after sniffing too much glue in her own life."
"Oh….?" John was speechless at his finding. The Women in Cream and Ecru he would not have a problem with, but this was different. He knew for sure that Constance Welch was a Woman in White.
"Even more of a reason to play with fire." John set out to Constance's old house to start a bonfire over her grave.
When Constance started in on her whole "Hold me, touch me" routine, John decided he had had enough of the ethereal white fabric floating in his face. Calling up Dean, making damn sure there was EVP on his voicemail, John dropped off his journal at the police station with some random coordinates, not sure they would actually lead anywhere. John turned south and headed towards where he could get the real tequila, not the American knock-off.