ANGST! Well really there is no angst woe or betrayal in this story…Well maybe a little betrayal…There is a lot of stupidity though. Okay so there are major SPOILERS in this story. If you haven't BEAT THE GAME then DON'T read this! D
1Kratos and Lloyd's Angsty Tale of Woe and Betrayal
By Molly Minamoto
Once upon a time there was a guy named Kratos. Kratos was all about angsty shit. One day Kratos went out to save the world with his buddies Yuan, Mithos, and Mithos' sister Martel. The journey would be full of monsters, angst (Kratos' favorite shit), woe, and betrayal. But who cares - I'm not gonna waste my time telling you that story! So in the end they saved the world, but Mithos decided to be a big asshole after Martel died, so he split the world in two.
Like 4000 years later Kratos was bored so he went to Forsyctus' ranch to laugh at the people who were going to turn into exspheres. That is when he met Anna. He and Anna got together and had sex, and then had Lloyd. One day Anna and Kratos, with their son Lloyd, went for a walk (Oh and Noishe was there too). Out of the blue Lloyd started to cry.
"Shut the fuck up!" Kratos yelled.
"Kratos stop, he's young! He shouldn't hear such bad words, and from his father!" Anna said picking up Lloyd, rocking him back and forth.
"Right, sorry Anna. It wont happen again."
"Damn right!" Anna said nodding.
Suddenly Kvar jumped out of no where.
"Buhahahaha! Kratos I hate you so I'm going to ruin your life!" Kvar smiled.
"Where the hell did you come from?" Kratos questioned.
"Does it really matter?"
"Yes, it kinda matters."
"Stupid boys!" Anna cried.
"'The hell?"
"..."
"Ummm anyways...Buhahaha, now I'm going to turn Anna into a monster!"
"The hell-" Anna began, but then she was turned into a monster.
Lloyd continued to cry. Anna's monster-like face turned to Lloyd.
"Hahaha, now she is going to eat your little boy!" Kvar laughed.
"How? She doesn't have a mouth."
"...Oh, look she gonna eat him!"
Just then Noishe, who was just sitting there, decided to save Lloyd because he could. He grabbed Lloyd and ran away.
"Hey Noishe! Get back here! Where you going with Lloyd?!" Kratos yelled as Noishe ran away with Lloyd.
"Ummm...That works I guess..." Kvar shrugged.
"Damn...Now I have to kill my wife!" Kratos sighed pulling out his sword. He stabbed her. "Oh, fuck! Why the hell did I do that?!?"
'Kratos I wanted you to do that! God fricken idiot!' Anna said as she fell to the ground.
"Ummm, I suppose that works too! I was hoping you would let her run free, and feel bad that you are letting her kill random people, and the only reason you won't kill her is because you love her...But this is even better!" Kvar said. "It feels good to do evil!" He chuckled, kicking Anna off a conveniently placed cliff.
"Hey, that's my wife you just kicked off that conveniently placed cliff!" Kratos yelled his face red.
"Umm, yeah, I think I'll leave now..." Kvar said running away.
"Damn..." Kratos frowned.
Meanwhile Anna was tumbling down the cliff.
"Owowowowow"
She ending up tumbling right next to Noishe and Lloyd, who were right in front of Dirk's house.
"How convenient..." she mumbled.
Dirk came out of his house. His beard twisted when he saw Anna, Lloyd, and Noishe lying on his front lawn.
"I come out to water my spice garden, and this happens! I...I...Ummm, why are you bleeding all over my lawn?"
Anna explained what happened and then died. Dirk took Lloyd in, and left Noishe outside. Then it started to rain.
Like 14 years later Lloyd was reunited with his father. Only he had no fucking idea that Kratos was his dad, so he treated him like shit, which Kratos was happy to return. Then one night Lloyd found out Kratos was his dad, and he was all like, "WTF!!??!!"
So then Kratos was all like "Lloyd you have to defeat me or I won't release Origin's seal!"
"Why Daddy-o?" Lloyd asked his dearest father.
"'Cause I said so! Now go have a dramatic moment with your friends!"
"Kay Daddy! There will be a lot of angst tonight!"
"I like angst..." Kratos muttered to himself as he walked away.
Later the next day, Lloyd and his posse came up to Origin's seal.
"What a stupid place for a seal! I mean in the middle of a forest? Come on!" Lloyd complained as the came up to Kratos.
"And a seal in a ice cave, underground cave, wind temple, lava pit, a darkroom, the roof of a very, very, very tall building, a water filled cave, an electric room with water, and a floating rock on an old half elf city isn't stupid?" Kratos asked rolling his eyes.
"Nah, that's cool!"
"Now you must defeat me in mortal combat!"
"Fine, guys stay back! He is mine!"
"Lloyd, be careful ok?" Colette said giving him a slight hug.
"Umm...Colette, my dad is right there..." Lloyd sighed.
"Oh sorry Lloyd, I didn't realize you would get so embarrassed."
"You dork!-"
"Oh no, excuse me!" Kratos rolled his eyes as Lloyd and Colette talked.
"They do that all the time." Sheena rolled her eyes, sighing.
"Indeed." Regal nodded.
"Shut up Regal! And stop acting like Kratos!" Sheena sighed.
"...Ummm...Can we move on?" Kratos tapped Lloyd on the shoulder.
"Yeah, I was just talking to Colette."
"I noticed."
"Alright I'm ready!"
"Be careful Lloyd!" Colette called out.
"Don't worry, I'll be fine Colette! I-"
"Lloyd, focus!" Genis sighed.
"I am focused!"
"Are you ready?" Kratos asked.
"As ready I will ever be! Come on Kratos, get with the program! I have been ready, it's you who have been talking this whole time! Sheesh!"
"...Can we just fight?"
"Yes, please!"
"Fine, I not going to hold back this time!"
"I know, I won't either!"
"Wow, Lloyd you beat me-" Kratos began.
"I know; I rock!" Lloyd smiled.
"I wasn't finished, you beat me on your 50th try, with only one health point left."
"Well I beat you, didn't I?"
"Whatever..."
"Hey what are you waiting for? Release the seal...please?"
"Yeah, ok..." Kratos rolled his eyes and walked up to the seal.
After a big 'ol burst of light, Kratos fell over, then Yuan came out of no where, like he always does, and gave Kratos some of his mana.
Then Mithos came out of no where, possessed Colette, and flew away.
"Damn, now we gotta save Colette!" Lloyd sighed, "See ya, Daddy-o!"
"Wait Lloyd, I'll come with you." Kratos said, sitting up.
"But you're hurt!"
"I just made a very fast recovery, lets go!"
"Ok."
So they went to save Colette (for like the 12 time) but Lloyd's friends (and dad) were captured, then learned about themselves and said a bunch of crap that they have said like fifty times before. Then they were about to go save Colette, when Lloyd said:
"Hey wait a minute! There is a seal on that half-elf city?!"
"That's what I said..." Kratos nodded.
"Let's go there and release that seal!"
"Ok, Colette can wait." Sheena said.
SO they went and made a pact with Maxwell.
"That was easy!" Sheena said happily.
"Man, fighting Maxwell sure makes you hungry!" Lloyd said rubbing his tummy.
"There's a place in Exire that sells tacos...Taco King, I think its called..." Raine said.
"Ohhh, that sound good! Let go!" Lloyd said, running to Taco King.
"Mmmmm, that sure was good tacos!" Lloyd said after they had their tacos.
"Hmm? Kratos are you feeling ok?" Genis asked, which was a stupid question, as Kratos was spilling the contents of his angelic tummy onto the ground.
"Oh no! Kratos is suffering from Angel Toxicosis!"
"No, Genis, I think its just food poisoning..." Raine said.
"Eww, Dad! Not on my shoe!"
"We better take him to a doctor..." Raine said.
"Can't you heal him Raine?" Sheena asked.
"Of course she can, Raine can do anything! Isn't that right, my beautiful Raine?" Zelos said.
"Ahh, no, I don't think I can..."
"Ohhh...That's OK, Raine! I still love you!"
"Get off me Ze-Ahhh! No Kratos, not over here!"
"I think there is a good doctor in Palmacosta." Lloyd suggested.
"Ok to Palmacosta! Ewww, Kratos wipe your mouth!" Genis said.
So they traveled to Sylvarant, which was pretty stupid, 'cause they were all the way over in Tethe'alla.
"Alrighty then, here we are in Palmacosta!" Lloyd said as they came up to Palmacosta.
"Hmmm, something's different about this place..." Genis said scratching his head.
"Hmmm, I don't know, maybe it's-" Kratos began, but then barfed.
"Maybe what Kratos? Maybe what?!? We will never know now! Why Dad, why?!"
"Lloyd this place has been completely and utterly torn to microscopic pieces," Raine sighed.
"Oh... Now I see it!" Lloyd nodded.
"Oh well, who cares? I've always hated Palmacosta...Lets hope Chocolate died!" Genis said.
"But she's in Iselia!" Sheena reminded him.
"Oh yeah... Damn."
"There's a good doctor in Mizuho" Sheena suggested.
"To Mizuho!" Lloyd declared.
"Bleargh!" Said Kratos.
"It will be ok, Dad!"
After traveling back to Tethe'alla, which took many long, hard, and barf filled days, they reached Mizuho.
"OH wait, guys, I just remembered! The doctor here died last week!" Sheena said as they walked into Mizuho.
"Oh great! Now where will we go?"
"Its seems we have reached an impasse." Said Regal, who was trying to act cool.
"Shut up, Regal!" Said Zelos.
"Regal is an asshole." Presea said.
"Boohoo." Said Regal. Kratos barfed.
"I think there's a good doctor in Hima." Lloyd said.
"Lets go already!" Genis said.
On the way over to Hima, Kratos barfed on the Reiards, and then miles and miles below it landed on some random poor old guys head.
Once they reached Hima they remembered that there is no doctor in Hima.
"What if we can never cure dad?" Lloyd asked sobbing.
"What if we go to that nice place in Flanoir?" Presea suggested.
"To Flanoir!" Lloyd said, "Don't worry Dad, you'll be better soon!"
Kratos would have groaned, but instead barfed.
Once the reached Flanoir, they had to wait in the line to get into the doctors house. So they waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. And after all that waiting only one person came out of the doctors and one walked in, and 50 spaces behind, Lloyd's group moved up by an inch.
"Lloyd are you feeling ok?" Sheena asked.
"I'm fine - it's a bit cold out." Lloyd said.
"Yeah, it is pretty cold."
"Don't worry Sheena, I'll keep you warm!" Zelos said running to Sheena, who punched him in the gut.
"It would be nice if we had warmer clothing" Regal said.
"Shut up, Regal" Lloyd said.
"Regal you really suck." Agreed Raine.
"Cry cry." cried Regal.
"Are you cold, Presea?" Genis asked.
"A little."
"You want a jacket?"
"That would be nice."
So Genis tried to get Raine's jacket, but Raine just kicked him away.
"Ummm, the jacket's not gonna happen, Presea."
"Hey, the line is moving up." said Regal.
"Shut up man!" Genis said.
"Ugg I could use a tissue." Lloyd said whipping some snot on his sleeve.
"Lloyd, that spreads germs!" Raine said, giving Lloyd some tissues, and whipping his sleeve off.
So after hours of waiting Lloyd's group was next to go into the doctors.
"Umm Professor? I need another box of tissues." Lloyd said.
"I'm not going to buy you any more! We are next in line, and you already went through fifty boxes!" Raine said.
"Fine."
"I'm sure the doctor will give you medicine to stop your nose from running."
"What?! I have to see the doctor too?!?!?!!!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!?????!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
"Duh, you're suffering from a runny nose."
"My noe ient rubby!"
"Well you have to go."
"But I Hate going to the doctor's! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Oh look we are next!" Persea said dragging Lloyd in, who was kicking and screaming his head off.
"Lloyd?" Genis said.
"WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT?" Lloyd said between screams of agony.
"Did you wet your pants?"
Lloyd looked down. "Maybe." he said.
"HelloIamthedoctorofFlanoir,howmayIhelpyou?"The Doctor said.
"What?" Raine almost had to shout over Lloyd's screams.
The doctor took a deep breath and said slowly, "I-am-the-doctor-of-Flanoir-how-may-I-help-you-?"
"Uhhh, yeah..." said Raine.
"We need your help - Kratos has food poisoning, and Lloyd has a severe case of runny nose!" Genis said.
"Ahhh I see." The Doctor said rubbing his chin, "This looks serious! They might die! Quick, to the ER room!" the Doctor put Lloyd and Kratos on a gurney.
"You have an ER room?" Raine asked as the doctor ran with Lloyd and Kratos to a room with ER in big red letters on the door.
"Nah, it's just a room with two beds!"
The doctor literately threw Lloyd and Kratos on the two beds, then walked away.
"Aren't you going to cure them?" Raine asked.
"Nah, just leave 'em in there and they'll get better."
"Does it work?"
"Don't know, this is the first time I have tried it. Starbucks anyone?"
"Yeah, sure!" everyone said.
"That would be nice." Regal said.
"Shut up Regal." said Zelos.
"'The hell?" Lloyd said as his group walked away. "This sucks! Now I have to stay in the doctor's office!" He looked around. There were pill bottles, shots, rubber gloves, and other creepy doctor things. "Quick, to the door, Daddy-o!"
Lloyd sprinted to the door, gripped the knob, and wiggled it around.
"It's no use, we are LOCKED IN!!" Lloyd said, he ran to the window and started banging on it, "Help guys! SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
Lloyd listened for one of them to say something, but all he heard was Raine saying, "Shut up Regal!"
"Oh no, we're gunna die! DAD, WE ARE GOING TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
"...barf," Kratos said barfing.
"WE-ARE-GOING-TO-DIE!!!!!! Why did we have to stop at Taco King, WHY? I should have stayed home the day the Oracle came! But no-OOOOOOOOOO, I had to go to frickin' school! I-I-hey Kratos, why did ya have to go and get food poisoning????? It your fault we are here! I blame you, Daddy 'o mine!"
"What?-barf-Its your fault-barf-we are here, if-barf-you hadn't been hungry-barf-we wouldn't be here-barf-right now-barf-. If -barf-we had just saved Colette,-barf-then we wouldn't have came to Exire,-barf-and go to frickin' Taco King! And I'm frickin' allergic TO FRICKIN' TOMATOES!!!-barf-!!!!!"
"But you ordered your taco without tomatoes."
"Oh yeah...-barf-"
"But I mean it's still your fault."
"What no its-barf- yours!"
"NO IT'S YOUR FRICKIN' FAULT WE ARE FRICKIN' HERE!!!!" Lloyd said pulling out his (frickin') swords.
"Don't you start with me young man!" Kratos barfed, "How its it my frickin'-barf- fault?!"
"You and mom got together and, well, You FRICKIN' made me! So its your frickin' fault we're frickin' here!"
"So what? Your saying you hate your frickin' life?!" Kratos said, dogging one of Lloyd's attacks.
"So what if I frickin' am? Wha'cha frickin' gonna do about it?" Lloyd asked charging at Kratos.
"God,-barf- you are so frickin' stupid!" Kratos said, using Judgment.
"OW! That hurt god dammit!"
"Don't make me use Grave."
"NOOOO! Not the frickin' GRAVE!!!!"
"STOP FRICKIN' SAYING-barf- FRICKIN'!!!"
"Your frickin' saying it too!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! GRAVE!!!!" Kratos said barfing.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Lloyd screamed, a high pitched girly scream.
"Nah nah, you suck!" Kratos said before barfing.
"GAAAHHHHH!!!! Rising Falcon!" Lloyd said, rising up and stabbing his dad square in the stomach.
"That'll-barf- need First Aiding." Kratos said looking at the slight gap in his stomach, as Lloyd pulled his sword out. "First Aid!" Kratos said, and the gap disappeared.
Lloyd whipped his nose on his sleeve.
There was a moment of silence.
"Hey Kratos, you stopped barfing."
"Hey your right! The First Aid must have...cured...it...GAHHH! Whey didn't we do that fricking before!?"
"Do me, Daddy, do me!" Lloyd said jumping up and down like a kid.
"First Aid!" Kratos said, and Lloyd was not only cured, but his nose stopped running too.
"Much better!" Lloyd said spreading his arms out in a dramatic way, "I can smell again, and...it...smells...like fricking DOCTOR'S OFFICE!!!! AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Lloyd jumped remembering that they were in a doctor's office. "Lets get out of here!" he said breaking down the door with his swords. He ran out with his nose covered to block out the smell of rubber gloves.
The rest of Lloyd's posse and the creepy doctor came in the office the same time Lloyd and Kratos ran out.
"That was great coffee!" Regal said as the walked in.
"Shut up!" Persea said following Regal in.
"Whoa, what the fuck did you two do to my door!?!" The doctor asked seeing his ER room door had been completely and utterly destroyed.
"Hey guys it took ya long enough!" Lloyd said tapping his foot.
"L-Lloyd!" Genis exclaimed, "You're OKAY!!"
"What? Oh yeah D-"
"Ahhhaahhhhh! So my treatment worked! I'm a genius!"
"Kratos are you ok?" Raine asked.
Kratos - whom was still gaping in shock that a simple First Aid was all that was needed and that the doctor took all the credit for was had happened - said nothing.
"Kratos? Kratos? Say something!" Sheena said.
"Yes, Kratos, are you ok?" Regal asked.
"S-Shut UP, Regal!" Kratos said angrily.
"Yeah he's fine." Zelos said sighing.
"Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, I think its about time a certain someone got paid hmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmm?"
"Alright, Gimme the bill." Raine sighed, holding out her hand.
The creepy doctor kissed her hand.
"GAHHH, What the hell was that for?!?! Give me the fucking bill!!!" Rain said, holding her contaminated hand.
"Get away from Raine, you-" Zelos began, but Persea held him back with her awesome strength.
"R-Right, here is the bill." The doctor said straightening his jacket. He gave Raine the bill.
Raine's jaw dropped, "You can't charge that much! You didn't do anything!"
"Hey, I locked them in my ER room, AND I took you out to Starbucks!"
"Hey Regal, you can pay the bill!" Raine said, giving Regal the bill and searching her pockets for disinfectant.
"But I do not have THIS much money!" Regal said pointing at the bill, "I only have 20,000 gald! And that is not even half as much as I need!"
"Tell ya what." The doctor said leaning over to Regal, "Give me that bra your wearing, and the 20,000 gald and we'll call it even."
"...Fine." Regal said taking off his bra...shirt...thing.
"Hell knows what he wants that bra for..." Kratos said as they walked out of the doctors.
"Haha, Regal your not wearing a...bra...?" Lloyd said with a confused look on his face.
"I prefer the term 'Belly Shirt'" Regal said pulling another one out of his pocket.
Everyone stared at Regal for awhile, shook their heads and went off to save Colette.
So they, like, went to where Mithos and Colette were and, like, kicked his ass. Then Colette was no longer possessed.
"Colette are you OK?" Regal asked Colette when she was no longer possessed.
"Ummmm Regal? Could you do me a favor and, shut up?!" Colette asked with a dim-witted smile on her face.
"Sob sob," Regal sobbed.
Then Mithos came back to life in his space suit thing...and attacked them. But he was even easier than before.
"Gahh, you keeell me!" Mithos said dying.
"Now you can no longer be mean to everyone." Regal said.
"Shut up-p Regal!" Mithos said, then he died.
"Sw33t! We win!" Lloyd said doing the happy dance.
"L8er, Mithos!" Genis said waving.
"Weren't you and Mithos friends, Genis?" Raine asked.
"Nah, I always hated him. He was such an asshole."
"...Ok..." Raine sighed.
Suddenly they appeared outside.
"'The hell?" Lloyd said, as they stood in front of the Tower of Salvation.
"Dude, what now?" Sheena asked.
"ZOMG! Lloyd we need to use the purple sword, 'cause the pretty flower is floating away!" Colette said pointing to the Great Seed.
"Oh my god! My swords turned into an ugly purple sword!" Lloyd said as the blades made by his dads turned into the Eternal Sword.
"Come on, Lloyd, we have to hurry!" Colette said.
"Oh right, lets go!" Lloyd said. "...Wait a second! I can't fly!" Just then Lloyd grew wings. "Okay, now we can go." Lloyd said flying up.
"Hey sword 'o mine!" Lloyd said when they were in front of the 'pretty flower'. "Make the flower come back down to the ground. Make it go way down low where the fungi grows!"
So the flower went back down.
"We did it!" Lloyd said.
"Lloyd, your amazing!" Colette said as she and Lloyd flew back down.
"Aww gee, thanks Colette." Lloyd said blushing.
"Teehee, I always liked you Lloyd!" Colette said smiling her dim-witted smile.
"I like you too, Colette-but she is SEXY!" Lloyd said pointing to a lady with green hair.
"I mean not only is she hot, but she has green hair! How sexy is that!" Lloyd said pointing to the greenhead.
"Uhhh yeah." the girl said, "I am the goddess Martel."
"Mithos' sister?" Lloyd asked.
"No! I am THE GODDESS Martel. Is there a Mithos' sister in there? I don't think so!" Martel said. "Mithos' sister Martel is one of the many souls in me. I am that tree over there, a goddess, and some other stuff."
"Oh wow, it must be hard to do all those jobs!" Colette said.
"Yeah it is pretty tuff...Hey you!" Martel pointed at Lloyd. "Name that tree over there, STAT!"
"Y-yes ma'am!" Lloyd said. "Errrmmmmm, hows about... Sylvarant'alla?"
"Noooooooo! What a stupid name! Name it Symphonia!"
"Why did you tell me to name it if you are going to name it that ugly name?" Lloyd asked, "I mean Sylvarant'alla is a beautiful name!"
"No it's not! Now take care of Symphonia!"
"It is not going to be named Symphonia!"
"Yes it is!" Fire was almost spitting out of Martel's mouth.
"Okay then, Symphonia it is!"
So then Martel lefted.
Lloyd and Colette walked back to the rest of their posse. They tole 'em what had happened.
"Then she disappeared, leaving me to take care of the stupid tree!" Lloyd said.
"You mean Symphonia?" Regal asked.
"SHUT UP REGAL!!" Everyone said at once.
Everyone one was happy 'cause they could do what they wanted, and Kratos decided to follow, and live, on Derris-Kharlan, to get away from Taco King, and for some other confusing reason that gave Lloyd a headache.
"Well Dirk," Lloyd said to his dwarven daddy, "I'm going around the world to collect all of the exsphere's that everyone has! So I can be all powerful! Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!"
Dirk didn't understand what the hell Lloyd was talking about, so he got a headache.
"Well Dad I'm off. Oh. and try to grow a little taller by the time I get back, m'k?"
Dirk smacked Lloyd so hard he went flying to Hima.
And for the most part they lived happily ever after, although they all still wonder what the creepy doctor from Flanoir wanted with Regal's bra...
Fin.