Gift for biggestlinkfan for donating 100 points towards my Legend of Zelda oriented deviantArt group: boy-without-a-fairy
.xx.
Link blinked a few times before realizing where exactly he was. He was so sure that he had gone to bed, nestled up beside a giant stuffed gold rupee... but all of a sudden he was sitting on a chair behind a curtain with Ganondorf standing beside him? What the dodongo is going on? Link was about to stand up when Ganondorf placed a firm hand on his shoulder, preventing him from doing so.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Where am I? And why are you not trying to kill me?"
Ganondorf stared at Link as if he was a slimy unattractive slug. "Should I be trying to kill you, impudent bachelor?"
Link paused. "Impudent WHAT?!" Okay, now he was really confused. Link tried to get up again but Ganondorf's hold on his shoulder strengthened.
"Try to get up one more time and I will blow your brains out. We're live when the cucco caws."
"Live?" Why was life so confusing. Why couldn't Link be cuddling next to his gold rupee dreaming of far off adventures of him saving a princess from a giant fire breathing dragon?
...
Wait a sec... I did save a princess and the process included battling a fire breathing dragon. Link was losing his mind and the fact that Ganondorf was cutting off the blood circulation in his arm was not helping. And they were supposed to go live when the cucco cawed? Link had never been more confused in his life and his life was all about solving puzzles and manoeuvring through mazes.
"Yes, live. Are you not aware of how things are presented upon the tele-moving-screen?
"The tele-what screen?!"
"I have no time for your naivety." Ganondorf snarled. "I see the cucco getting ready to caw in three… two…"
"Hello and welcome to today's episode of Hylian Blind Date." Ganondorf said to nobody and nothing in particular. Link only stared wondering if he was in a parallel dimension where Ganondorf was a host of some game or something and things could be seen on a tele-moving-screen.
"Our blind date today is Link of Hyrule. He's the defender of good, destroyer of evil, and princess saving extraordinaire. Some even call him the beloved 'Hero of Time'." A collective oooooh sounded from somewhere. "He has a good track record of saving the Princess of Hyrule on a consistent basis, helping the Princess of the Zora and the Princess of Twilight, and being an all around heart-throb for fan girls across the world. Link likes nice long walks on the beach, swimming with the Zoras, pounding Dodongo molten rock, and climbing trees with the Dekus. Put your hands together for the one and only, LINK!"
Link still wasn't able to see anybody; the curtain didn't move. But he did hear a lot of people applauding and was beginning to wonder where the heck he actually was.
"So, Hero of Time, what are you looking for in your significant other?" Ganondorf smiled really creepily down at Link. Gulping, Link decided to answer, still confused as to where he was and what exactly he was doing.
"Uhh… somebody strong and independent?"
"He wants an independent woman!" Ganondorf boomed and there was cheering. "Does 'Princess' have to be part of the requirement?"
"No—"
"HE SAYS NO!"
Again, cheering.
"But it'd be nice, right?"
"Well—"
"HE SAYS WELL!"
Link's eye twitched. Why won't he let me finish what I have to say?
"In your opinion, of all the Princesses you've worked with, who was the best one?" Ganondorf wiggled his eyebrows and Link scowled.
"I didn't sleep with any one of them."
"Except Princess Midna."
Pausing, Link whipped his head up to lock with Ganondorf. "When in the name of Hylia did I sleep with Midna?!"
"Every night," Ganondorf chortled. "She was your shadow, remember?"
Link let out a breath of relief. "Well, when you're looking at it from a technical point of view."
"When did I say I wasn't look at it from a technical point of view?"
Link was ready to throttle Ganondorf and jump strike him to oblivion. Why must the Gerudo King (who he defeated countless times in his existence) be so difficult? Deciding not to let the idiot bother him, Link figured he'd play along. Withholding a nasty glare, Link smiled forcedly. "Alright." He spoke through gritted teeth. "Technically I slept alongside Midna because she was my shadow, otherwise I do not have a favourite Princess; they all were great in their own respect."
"But did you prefer one over the oth-"
"No." Link cut Ganondorf off. "I don't. Can get we get along with this now?"
Ganondorf glared nastily at Link. "Weakling," he murmured really softly, as to ensure that whoever was behind the curtain couldn't hear him, "If I could blast you into the Sacred Realm-"
"You can't!" Link snickered. "But I blasted you. Numerous times, actually. You're not as strong as-"
"AND NOW, THE FIRST PRINCESS!" Ganondorf roared before Link could complete his sentence. The Hero of Time adjusted his hat and stared at the curtain. Apparently there were princesses behind the curtain and, from what he could infer, he was either going to ask them questions or they were going to ask him questions.
Ganondorf took a step forward with a broad grin on his face. "Alright. The objective is for Link to ask these princesses a plethora of questions. He must ask them five each and, at the end of the interview, he has to pick Princess number one, two, or three. Ready, Link?" Ganondorf saw Link nod and continued his speech. "You must ask them open-ended questions, nothing that can be answered with a simple yes or a no, understood?"
"Understood." Link affirmed. Ganondorf gave Link the thumbs up and the Hero of Time decided to ask his first question.
"If you had the choice between spending an eternity ruling another realm or ruling the waters of Hyrule, where would you prefer?"
"The waters, of course!"
Link wasn't stupid.
He knew that was Ruto.
"Princess two?" Link glanced at Ganondorf who held up three fingers, meaning that there were three princesses behind the curtain.
"Yes?"
That sounded like Midna.
"Same question."
"Well that's a really stupid question. Of course the Twilight—it's so beautiful!"
Definitely Midna.
"Princess three?"
"Hmm?"
"Same question."
If my princess knowledge serves correctly, this one has to be Princess Zelda…
"I suppose each place would have its benefits. The water is serene and calming and the Twilight? It's mystique in its own respect. Where I would prefer to rule? I am afraid that I have no preference."
Oh yeah, that was most definitely a Princess Zelda response. She was always the democratic diplomat.
"Princess two, what do you love best about me?"
"The way you're so easy to ride—"
"WHAT?!" Link's eyes bugged and Ganondorf began howling in laughter. It took a moment before Link inferred that Princess two, who was probably Midna, was referring to her riding him when he was in his twilight beast mode: the Blue-Eyed Wolf.
"Princess one?"
"Hurrmph! You're tardy and can't save a princess on time. Though I do believe we're destined for each other so it doesn't matter which quality I like best."
Link was rubbing his temples. "Okay? Um… Princess three… what… instrument do you like the best?"
"The Ocarina."
Go figure.
"Princess two, same question."
There was a pause. "A blade of grass."
"That isn't an instrument!"
"Are you judging me?!"
Link gulped. "No! Of course I'm not—" The epic trap of all women in the world. Apart from 'are you calling me fat?!' Link shivered; he had yet to endure that scenario. "Can we just move onto Princess one?"
The second princess harrumphed and Link asked the first princess what the scariest moment was in her childhood. She responded with: getting eaten by a giant fish and Link, immediately, asked Ganondorf if he could pick his Princess.
"Uhh… you only asked three questions…"
"Yes, but I'm ready!" To leave.
"Well then… sure?" Ganondorf was confused. "Who do you pick, kid?"
"Princess number three!"
The crowd started cheering and the curtain was pulled aside. Link's heart was racing as the curtain slowly revealed Ruto… then Midna… and finally—
Princess Zelda! Princess Zelda! Princess—"TINGLE?!"
With a gasp, Link shot up clutching onto his beloved stuffed golden rupee. His heart was racing and he wiped the layer of sweat off of his forehead. "Oh, thank merciful Hylia." He breathed. "I didn't pick Tingle to go on a date with…"
Flopping back down onto his bed, Link was preparing to fall back to sleep when he heard something that made his blood run cold…
"Tingle! Tingle! Koloo-limpah!"