Hey guys! This is a GoT crackfixc with my favorite pairing of Westeros! I had my close friend beta read it who was like "This is from the show!" Which is why I'm putting it only under the TV show category. Not a word of this is to be taken seriously, this is why this is a crackfic. (Also, if there's a sink fandom, why not this?!) Also, image is not mine, but I requested it personally.
If there was one thing Cersei knew, is that she didn't want to marry Loras. She could do much better than that annoying little snot-nosed flower child, with his green eyes, blonde hair, and knightly stature.
Wait a second, if you put it that way, he sounds like he could be Jaime. Oh Jaime. Where could he be? She missed him so much but knew he wasn't going to come back anytime soon. And now that she's compared him to Loras, she knew it was time to drink.
"Oh Wine, you always know how to make me feel," she tells it as she pours its contents. She sips her first glass, its so rich in taste. She has to have another. And another. "You were there for me during Blackwater. And my marriage. And after Robert said Lyanna Stark's name during our first and hundredth time. It's you I ought to be marrying."
She then gets an idea and decides to scurry out of her room and find Maester Pycelle in his quarters, by himself, thankfully. "Oh Maester! I'm so glad I found you! We need to find a Godswood tree! Fast! Before Father comes and marries me to that ninny Loras!"
Maester Pycelle is confused but Cersei's too drunk to explain. When they're at the Godswood tree, Maester Pycelle finally has the gall to speak up. "What are we doing here, my Queen."
"Marry me!" She tells him.
"You know I can't do that, but if you want to-"
"EWWW! Not you!"
"To whom?"
"This!" She shows him the bottle of Wine in her hand. "I love it and it loves me. Quickly now!" Maester Pycelle is even more confused.
"Whatever floats your boat," he shrugs.
"That's what I'm talking about!" Cersei cheers, not caring if she sounds unladylike. Or anachronistic.
He ties her hand with the snout of the bottle as they stand before The Seven.
"Mother! What are you doing?" Joffrey and his pet Margaery (or as it should be: Margaery and her pet, Joffrey) come out of thin air behind the three while Pycelle is still saying the last of the sacred vows. "Mother! I asked you a-" Cersei's Wine bottle reflexively hits Joffrey square in the face and he falls into the ground.
It certainly now makes it a better stepfather than Loras will ever be. Margaery stares at her unconscious fiancé and makes a run for it towards back to where she came from with her hands up in the air screaming "whoop, whoop, whoop". Good, it saves her from strangling her in her sleep.
Now that they're done with the private ceremony and Joffrey as witness, this allows the deed to be done, and oh, this is a night Cersei will most certainly remember.
She wakes up with a red stain on the bed and her hand still tied to that of the Wine bottle's. Her marriage is now consummated, finally. And Wine never said Lyanna's name. Or anyone's, really.
A large and tall servant Cersei's never seen before barges in. He's young, yet has grey hair.
"Who in the seven hells are you?" Cersei asks.
"Hodor," says Hodor. "Hodor." He then leaves without saying another word. Then Maester Pycelle comes in.
"I see you've consummated your marriage to Wine, my Queen." Cersei smirks, her beautiful face glowing as she finally married the love of her life.
"I've seen that boy before. Hodor. He's from the North. What's he doing here?"
"Oh. Apparently through you marrying Wine has inexplicably made you Queen in the North."
"Sweet."
"Also, it has made Stannis Baratheron have a heart attack and Varys says that his priestress tried to revive him with no avail." And through your marriage, you have changed space and time and now Daenerys Targaryen has managed to fulfill her prophecy of having the sun rise in the west and set in the east, which brings her late husband Khal Drogo back to life and they will now conquer the Shadowlands instead of Westeros."
"What's a 'space'?" Cersei asks and Pycelle shrugs. "Anyway, that explains why there's so much light in my room right now. Lovely." Cersei takes a swig on Wine, which tickles her throat. "I guess the Seven has blessed this marriage."
Maester Pycelle smiles. "Seems like it. All hail queen Cersei."
And with that, Cersei and Wine Lannister (it took her family name) lived happily ever after.
Characters owned by George R.R Martin. I know you don't approve of this kind of thing, but I couldn't resist.