Ash Ketchup (he didn't like mustard) looked at his Pikachu and asked the imminent question "Do you have any advice for pokemon trainer bowel movements? I cant remember the last time I pooped!"

Pikachu sighed. Goddammit Ash. you motherfucker (yes I know about it!) If ive told you one, ive told you a-pika (twenty times a giga)-million times before: You cant poop while your high as Pokeballs. You stupid, dumbshit, god-damn motherfucker. (reciting the lyrics to his favorite The Offspring songs).

Of course Pikachu doesn't speak English (she does speak Japanese, spoiler alert!), so she said it in Pokemon language (a.k.a. pikamenese): "Pika pika pika chuuuu chu piiiii pika" Pikachu cried.

After the many years with Pikachu as his companion, Ash knew he could translate this: " Dear Ash, you brilliant star, you are everything that is right in this world and 333 (AN (author note and also my initials!) pronounced: "less than three three three (like over nine thousand but instead less than three three three") I forgot how many parentheses there were, this is too deep for me)". Anyway. Next paragraph, bitches.

Pikachu looked at her friend (who she was secretly in love with (but not so secret all those pikas get kiiiinda obvious what am I typing now?) ) anyways pretending that we are not pokemon, just perfectly normal humans, and this isn't some weird furry fanfic –sob-, yeah just pretend that.

Fast forward, Pikachu and Jessica, a n00b pokemon trainer, (AN: cuz she didn't wanna play the game mwahahahaha) are on a date (AN: again, not furries. Just a girl named Pikachu, nbd, just want to emphasis this… fuck fuck fuck THIS IS NOT A FETISH FUCK.). Jessica implies getting serious with this normal human person named Pikachu.

Pikachu looked slightly worried. "I have a kid. His name is Obama. His last name is, anyway (AN: PON (Pikachu Obama note): yes Im Pikachu Obama. Got a problem bro?). Im way too fucked up to drive and pick him up from his playdate, could you get it?"

"Uhhhh (AN: fun fact: did you know that on average (or mean) guys say uhhhh and girls say ummmm!) okay I don't know how that helps, but I should warn you: The last time I picked up a toddler from the mall, I ended up butt naked in a polo field"

"Haha don't worry, its not you, its him. He has a thing for naked polo." Pikachu smiled, creepily but sexily (AN: IS THIS A THING?).

Somehow Ash butts in and ruins everything. He was gonna win Pikachu back from Jessica and be the ultimate trainer: the very best (he's gonna travel across the world).

They were gonna decide this like true gangstas (#dollabill): by a sexy dance off. Fast forward, lots of sexy moves being thrown down, think all dance movies. Ash is not in good shape, cuz Jessica had just pulled the ultimate sexy move: dick in a box. Pikachu was swanning (AN: but Pikachu is a human, not a mouse or a swan. I promise guys). Fuck the word is swooning isn't it ummm fuck. ) Pikachu had made up her mind.

Pikachu grabbed the magical dildo portal (AN: that was not a paper, but it should have been).

"Now I have a way to get rid of you forever" Pikachu pika'd. "Farewell, Ash Mustard". And then Ash (KETCHUUUUUP) goes into the real world (our world) and he wants to know

"Dude, where's my Charizard?"