It took several blinks of Castiel's blue eyes to get the room even partially into focus, vision blurred and slightly distorted. He could hear a consistent, relatively steady beeping, the sound reverberating off the pounding walls of his skull. Both of his forearms were wrapped in something thick and heavy. Several more undefined objects were stuck in his right arm, the needles and tubes confusing him. He tried to move one of his arms, but they felt like they weighed a ton. Cas' foggy, half dead brain took a few minutes to put the factors together. When he figured it out, he sighed, squeezing his eyes back shut. He shouldn't be here. He should've died on the bathroom floor, where he last remembered being. It was the only thing he could remember, that he was bleeding out in the bathroom, and the deep gashes in his arms has been created by his own hands. How has he gone from dying on cold tile to laying, all patched up, on an uncomfortable hospital bed? How long has it been since he'd made those razor cuts, and who had found him? Despite the nagging questions in Castiel's brain, he didn't want to know the answer to any of the questions. He just wanted to be dead.
Dean felt like it was taking forever as he waited out in the waiting room with Sam and Charlie. He had called them after he found Castiel on the bathroom floor. Currently, Charlie was holding Deans hand and rubbing his back as he cried into Sam's shoulder. If only Dean had known what Cas had been thinking. Cas' doctor walked into the waiting room and Dean shot out of his chair. "Is he alright?" Dean asked frantically. The doctor nodded and pointed at the door. "You can go in now." All the three of them went over to the door. As Dean opened the door, his heart dropped. "Cas?"
Cas looked over at the familiar, if echoing and distorted, voice that he loved so much. Even with his ears not working properly, the voice was still music to his ears, despite being so full of concern. His fingers twitched slightly in Dean's general direction, the movement intended to move his whole arm. But the appendage felt like it was made of lead. He signed slightly, having to work far harder than he thought he would have to in order to produce the small, weak greeting. "Hey." His voice was nearly inaudible, despite the only other sound in the room being the consistence pulse of the heart monitor.
Seeing Cas this broken and beaten down made Dean's heart feel weak. Charlie and Sam, noticing Dean almost breaking down again, grabbed one of hands each and squeezed. Dean looked down as another tear fell. "How are you feeling Cas?" The words came out broken and his voice cracked. He covered it up by clearing his throat though. What Dean would give to be able to run over and hug Cas.
Cas shrugged, looking from Sam to Charlie to Dean. "I'm alive, if it counts for anything." He mumbled, sitting quietly. Why did he have to be more dead than alive right now, he wanted so badly to just pull Dean into his arms and never let go, staying in the protective arms of his boyfriend forever. But, he couldn't.
Dean, feeling his anger raise a little, let go of Charlie and Sam's hands and walked slightly closer to Cas. "But Cas. Why did you do it? You have to tell me." Dean suddenly came to realization. Was he the reason Cas wanted this to happen? Did I not want to deal with Dean anymore? Was it his entire fault? As these thoughts flew through Deans head, he looked up to try and stop the tears. Without thinking Dean ran from the room needing air. Charlie walked over and sat next to Cas. "You can talk to us Cas. Dean will be fine."
Cas sighed, looking back up at the celling. "No, he won't. He's out there having a damn mental breakdown and it's my fault." Cas' voice broke, and he sighed again, the breath shaking. "Why do I have to fuck everything up?"
Charlie wrapped her arm lightly around Cas' shoulder. "He's just worried about you. Knowing Dean, he is probably thinking that he messed up instead. Sam. Can you go check on him? I'll stay with Cas." Sam nodded and walked out to see Dean sitting with him face buried in his arms, which were resting on his knees. "He will be fine you know?" Charlie said and smiled lightly at Cas.
Cas shrugged, leaning his head against Charlie's arm. "It's not his fault at all. He's the thing that kept me sane for so long. All of you are." He managed a small smile at Charlie, biting the inside of his cheek.
Charlie smiled and kissed the top of Cas' head. "You have kept Dean sane too. He was terrified. When he called me and Sam, I have never heard him that broken down-" Charlie looked up as she heard the door open. Dean entered sheepishly with Sam trailing behind him. "Ummmm hey... Again..." Dean gave Cas a lopsided smile and looked down, afraid of what to say.
Cas smiled slightly, keeping his eyes on Dean. "Hey beautiful," he mumbled. He wasn't sure what to say, hoping he could just reassure Dean that it wasn't his fault. He would never want to die because if the light haired, green eyed boy he loved so much. He'd die without Dean in his life.
Dean couldn't take it anymore. He fully walked over to Cas and gently hugged him with tears falling from his eyes. Dean looked up into Cas' eyes and smiled lightly, relieved that there will be no severe damage. "Never ever think about doing this again Cas. You hear me? Without you here-" Dean couldn't even finish his sentence before he buried his head back into Cas' shoulder and continued crying.
Cas turned his head slightly, angling it so Dean's face better fit, kissing the other boy's temple. "I'll try to not try," he murmured. He slowly brought one of his heavy arms up around Dean, fingers holding at hits boyfriend's shirt fabric. "Just for you." He rested his cheek against Dean's soft hair, relieved that the other boy didn't hate him.
Charlie and Sam smiled and quietly left the room. Dean nudged Cas a little over and crawled into the hospital bed as carefully as he could. "I honestly have no idea what I would do without you here Cas..." Dean looked up into Cas' eyes and smiled lightly. "I know that I don't say this really... But... I love you Cas. I always will no matter what happens."
Cas smiled, burying his face into Dean's neck, pressing a kiss to the warm skin. "I love you too," he mumbled, hiding his face. "Quite a lot." He smiled at Dean's words, pressing a few more soft kisses to the skin.
Dean smiled and started feeling slightly giddy inside. "One second." Dean walked to the door and called Charlie and Sam back in. As they walked in and got situated, Dean sat down on the chair next to Cas' bed and rung his hands together nervously.
Cas smiled slightly, raising an eyebrow. "But I liked you laying here next to me; you're like a little blanket." He pouted, looking up at Dean's stunning green eyes. He was curious as to what was about to happen.
Dean smiled and stood up. "I know that I am definitely not one for 'chick flick moments' or anything. But this is the one time; I am letting that rule slide. Just for Cas." Dean smiled at Cas and blushed lightly. "And I know this may be sudden and everything, but I want Cas to know that I am with him 100% and always will be. I know this isn't the perfect moment or anything, but are there even any perfect moments?" Dean gulped and looked at Cas. "I love you Cas. I always have and always will. Will you marry me?" Dean got done on one knee right next to the bed and pulled out a ring. He always carried the ring with him wanting to wait until the right moment.
Cas broke out into a smile so big it hurt, unable to suppress the surprised giggle that rose from his throat. "Hell yes I will, Dean Winchester." He couldn't stop smiling, and he didn't want to. Dean was officially his, and he was officially Dean's.
Dean smiled and let out the breath he didn't realize he had been holding. He grabbed Cas' hand and slides the ring on and took Cas into his arms. Dean didn't even acknowledge the squeals and cheers coming from Sam and Charlie. "I love you Castiel Winchester." Dean whispered into Cas' ear.
Cas smiled bigger than before, finding the strength to wrap both of his arms around Dean's neck. It felt like somebody had injected caffeine straight into his veins; he felt more alive than he had in a long time. "I like the sound if that," he giggled, pressing his lips to Dean's, still grinning.
Dean giggled and kissed Cas back quickly before parting. "Cas. This means you and I are together through it all. 'Til death do us part'. Alright? You understand right?" Dean smiled down at Cas and rubbed his thumb across Cas' cheek to clear any tears that had fallen.
Cas grinned, nodding slightly. He might've been stuck in a hospital, and he might've hates the world to no end up to that point, but Cas couldn't help the feeling if absolute joy surging through him. He hasn't been happy like that in who knew how long.