A/N: I honestly woke up with this in my head this morning and started laughing so freaking hard. I decided that it was more important to write this and upload it than it was to finish up my parodies. Priorities, people!

Thanks to Shelly for helping with some of the content.

Summary: Harry has an issue with his girlfriend that only his older sister can help him with. M for mild adult situations and Hermione giving Harry the revised version of "The Talk". Hilarity? I certainly think so.

The Adult Sex Talk

'Hermione, could I ask you something?'

Hermione looked up from her mug of tea to see Harry standing in the doorway of the kitchen in the Burrow.

'Of course, Harry,' she said, gesturing to the seat across from her. 'What's up?'

Harry wandered in and sat down, obviously thinking.

'I ... I was just wondering if ... well, if you and Ron had ... you know ... um ...'

Hermione tried unsuccessfully to hide the smirk from her face as Harry stumbled over his words.

'If we had what, Harry?'

Harry looked up at her.

'You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?'

Hermione nodded.

'But I want to hear you say it.'

Harry sighed slightly.

'Have you and Ron ... have you had sex?' he asked, wincing a little.

'Why so uptight about it, Harry?'

'Because it's my best mate and my older sister and it brings up images I never needed. Ever. But ... have you?'

Hermione grinned a bit.

'We have,' she replied casually. 'A few times, actually.'

'How did it happen?' Harry asked.

Hermione looked at him.

'Well, Harry, when a man and a woman really fancy each other, sometimes they do more than just kiss. This involves --'

'I know how that happens!' Harry exclaimed. 'Bloody hell, woman!'

Hermione laughed a bit.

'So why do you ask, Harry?'

Harry hesitated.

'Don't tell Ron, OK?'

Hermione looked up at her best friend.

'What's wrong?'

'I ... would you answer some questions for me? I need an experienced woman's advice.'

Hermione tilted her head to the side a bit.

'Ginny wants to have sex and you want her to enjoy her first time,' she said, taking a sip of her tea.

Harry nodded and the two remained quiet for a few minutes, Hermione allowing Harry to gather his thoughts and form his questions.

'Did it hurt the first time?' he blurted out.

Hermione shrugged a little.

'It didn't hurt a lot. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but it gradually eased into ... you know ... the way it's supposed to feel,' she said.'

'Uncomfortable?' Harry asked.

Hermione nodded.

'You're forcing one muscle into another one,' she explained. 'The whole reason it hurts is because you're stretching a muscle that isn't used to being stretched that much. On top of that, you're forcing your way through skin that's been rooted there for years and then stretching the wound.'

Harry blinked at her.

'So, in English, it'll hurt?'

'Possibly. Make sure she's relaxed and give her time to get used to you.'

'What do you mean?'

'Like ... OK, remember when you first got your wand when you were eleven?'

'Oh hell no, Hermione. You did not just compare sex to finding the right wand.'

Hermione rolled her eyes a bit.

'Will you at least let me finish?' she said.

Harry eyed her before sighing and motioning for her to continue.

'Right. So, it took you a few tries before you felt comfortable using your wand, didn't it?'

'Did you have to say "wand". Makes it sound like you're talking about my willy,' Harry mumbled, his cheeks red.

'In a way, we are,' Hermione replied.

Harry glared at her.

'I'm regretting asking you about this,' he growled.

Hermione laughed.

'Relax, Harry; we're almost finished,' she said soothingly. 'Now, like I said. It took you a few tries before you were comfortable with it, didn't it?'

Harry sighed.

'Yes, Hermione,' he said. 'It took a few tries before I was comfortable using my wand. My wooden wand.'

Hermione looked at him, fighting a smile.

'Wood?' she asked.

Harry glared at her again.

'Shut up,' he mumbled.

Hermione grinned at him before continuing.

'Anyway. Like you and your wand, it'll take some time for Ginny to get used to your ... wand,' she said.

Harry buried his face in his hands.

'Did you have to make this embarrassing?'

'You started it, Harry,' Hermione said casually, leaning back in her chair and sipping on her tea again. 'I just decided to play along.'

Harry looked up at her.

'Can we please go back to having an adult conversation about this?' he pleaded.

Hermione giggled a bit.

'Alright, so, like I was saying. It might hurt the first couple of times, but she just needs to get used to the act itself,' she said.

Harry nodded and cleared his throat.

'What about ... did Ron ... oh hell, I don't want to know, but I feel like I need to. What if I finish first?'

Hermione smiled softly.

'It's not uncommon, Harry,' she said gently. 'It takes I think three times as long for a woman to reach orgasm than it does for a man.'

Harry's eyes widened in fear.

'What?'

Hermione looked over the rim of her mug at her younger brother, nodding as she swished the cooled liquid around her mouth, lowering her mug as she swallowed.

'Mmhmm. It's hard ... erm ... I mean ... it's more difficult for a woman to accomplish an orgasm than it is for a man to do so. We're very complex creatures, women.'

Harry's breathing increased.

'How ... what ... fuck, how are we supposed to last long enough to make sure you get off too? It sounds impossible!'

Hermione laughed.

'Practise makes perfect, Harry,' she said, winking. 'It's not a phrase only for school work.'

Harry gaped at her.

'Do you not have any tips?' he asked her, sounding completely desperate.

Hermione shrugged.

'Ask Ron. Or George. Or maybe Bill? I hear Bill is good with answering these types of questions. Being a female, I'm not exactly of much help to you,' she said.

Harry's head slammed onto the table and Hermione sighed a bit, reaching out and ruffling his hair.

'I'm doomed,' he mumbled.

Hermione chuckled a bit.

'I doubt that,' she said gently. 'You'll just have to learn together. To be honest, that's probably one of the best parts.'

Harry looked up at her.

'What makes you say that?'

Hermione shrugged.

'Part of it was I felt relieved that he didn't know really what he was doing,' she said. 'Another part was just the fact that we were able to figure it all out together. It was fun, let me tell you.'

Harry winced.

'I did not need to know about whether sex with Ron was fun or not,' he said.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

'You know Ginny and I talk, right?' she said. 'About everything.'

Harry looked up at her again, his eyes wide once more.

'I've an idea,' he said. 'She'll tell you everything about how it was. And then you can come talk to me about better ways to get her off!'

It was Hermione's turn to wince.

'I'm not going to give you pointers on how to get your girlfriend off based on what she tells me, Harry. First of all, it's none of my business, and secondly, you should figure it out yourself,' she said, grimacing at the idea.

Harry groaned and let his head hit the table once again.

'Hermione? Hermione, have you seen Harry?'

Hermione looked at the doorway and saw Ginny pass by.

'We're both in here, Gin!' she called to her friend.

Ginny backtracked and stood in the doorway of the kitchen, grinning at her boyfriend, who had lifted his head from the table and grinned back at her nervously.

'I need to talk to you,' Ginny said to Harry, who nodded.

'I'll be up in a minute,' he said.

Ginny nodded back and took off up the stairs. Harry looked over at Hermione, who was smiling amusedly.

'What?' he asked.

'Just two more things,' she said.

'Go on.'

'First of all, don't forget the Contraceptive Charm like Ron and I did,' Hermione replied. 'We're both bloody lucky that it was a couple days after my menstrual cycle.'

Harry winced a bit as he nodded.

'Right,' he said. 'You aren't ... you know ...'

Hermione shook her head, her eyes wide.

'No, thank Merlin,' she replied. 'Not that I would mind in the future, but ... now's definitely not the time for that, you know?'

Harry nodded.

'What's the second piece of advice?' he asked quietly.

Hermione stood and gripped his shoulders.

'Make sure she's completely ready.'

'How would I do that?'

'I'm sure you know that when a woman is aroused, she --'

'OH! Right. Right, OK. So I just ... make sure that she's completely ...'

'Slippery, I suppose would be a good way to put it,' Hermione said, feeling her face go red.

Harry cleared his throat.

'Right. Slippery. OK,' he said. 'Erm ... thanks, Hermione.'

Hermione nodded.

'Yeah,' she said. 'Not a problem, Harry. Just ... have fun, I guess?'

Harry hugged Hermione before smiling and taking off up the stairs.

'What was that all about?'

Hermione turned around and saw Ron standing in the doorway to the garden. She grinned.

'Nothing,' she said, walking over to him and slipping her arms around his neck.

'I heard slippery,' he murmured into her neck. 'Care to explain?'

'Well, it's how I'm feeling right about now,' she purred.

Ron groaned.

'Fuck, love. Bedroom?'

'I certainly hope so,' she replied, grinning at him.

END