Dear Diary,
Today Charlotte kept calling me "Noogie" and making fun of my extensive wand collection. I really don't know how she keeps getting into the Hufflepuff dormitory. I mean, I would understand if that weird chick with the bad hair that's always hanging around with (and by "hanging" I mean "fucking") the house elves had free reign with all the locked castle doors. That would make sense.
So I went down to the lake to hang out with the Giant Squid. (I call him Squiddy.) A little tentacle rape always makes me feel much better. But afterwards, I started thinking about how it would be nice to have a boyfriend. A human one with no tentacles or anything. Too bad I'm in Hufflepuff house, though. You know the boys there. All of them are too busy "studying" each other's "wands" with their tight little "eyes" and lots of cherry-scented "wood-polishing oil." I mean, the best guy we have going for us is Cedric Diggory - and we all know what he's up to in the Prefect's bathroom on the fourth floor. Or at least I do. I used to get invited. (That was back before I started stuffing my bra.)
And that's why they don't sell Hufflepuff sweatshirts in Hot Topic.
Sincerely,
Persephone Ollivander-Nougatmuffin
Why did I sign with my full name? I have no idea.
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Dear Diary,
Today I decided I was too Pure-Blooded to go to classes so instead I stalked--erm, followed-- Draco Malfoy around. He is so wonderfully Blonde and Pure-Blooded too. He's only my fourth cousin on my father's side, so we can still get married and have wonderfully Pure-Blooded children.
Anyways, after I stalked--erm, followed--him to the Room of Requirement, which he disappeared into with bloody Potter and Snape, I decided to bother, erm hangout with Sephy in Hufflepuff. She's such a silly thing. Love her! I like how all the males there are pouffs (with good arses). Makes me glad to be a Slytherin. We are the best and most Pure after all. Sephy is so obsessed with wands and tentacle rape I'm beginning to worry about her. Well, hopefully she'll put that knowledge to use in the future to find herself a nice Pure-Blood to marry. All of them like wands too.
Oh! Draco just got back to the common room. I think I'll go follow him up to his dormitory. I do love watching him sleep.
Night!
Charlotte Morgana Silverknott, the most wonderful Pure-Blooded female in all of Hogwarts