The first time Lexa kissed Clarke it was impulsive.
Commander Lexa was expected to be anything but impulsive.
The Commander was to be methodical and rational, and for the longest time she had been. She made decisions with only the best interests of twelve clans' in her mind.
And then a small, determined blonde walked into her world with a piece of braid and a mountainous proposal.
The methodical and the rational slipped as the affection grew.
Her body called to Clarke.
Lexa's first unavoidable response became to worry first about Clarke's safety, and all others' second.
Lexa's first instinct was to slice that Mountain Man's head right off his shoulders.
But Commander Lexa was being watched, judged by her soldiers. To choose wrongly in this moment could cast a ripple of doubt all the way to the capitol.
The Commander chose.
The first time Lexa walked away from Clarke, she hoped Clarke would forgive her.
As Lexa travelled to the capitol, she was plagued by Clarke's face in the moment her features registered the betrayal, and was haunted by Clarke's eyes as they had pierced hers in disbelief. She used that methodical and rational mind to replay the scenario over and over again, desperate to change the outcome.
She changed the variables, and altered the circumstances, but ultimately her choice remained the same.
Commander Lexa only had one choice and she made it.
Lexa hoped Clarke would walk away from a fight with the Mountain Men.
Her first, unavoidable response was to worry first about Clarke's safety.
Lexa also knew better than to hope the small, determined blonde would stop fighting for her people.
They had that in common, she supposed.
Lexa chose a boy named Steen. She gave him her fastest horse and instructions to bring news of the sky people to no one but her.
He understood what she was really asking.
The first time Lexa saw Steen's face, she knew.
Lexa gave Indra an excuse for the council, mounted a horse and left. She reached Camp Jaha as the Sky People were gathered, performing a ceremony outside the gates. At least two-dozen bodies lay on a makeshift altar.
Lexa saw Doctor Griffin's tear-stained face first, followed by anger shining in Raven's eyes.
She waited until the ceremony was over before walking towards the bodies.
The second time Lexa kissed Clarke it was deliberate.
Clarke's lips were cold and the cold seemed to drain through Lexa's body to her heart.
She allowed herself one brief moment to feel the weight of what could have been then pushed it away before her body could collapse under it.
The second time Lexa walked away from Clarke, she knew she'd never forgive herself.