First of all, I would like to say "SORRY!* for vanishing off FFnet for like erm... I dunno, maybe for like half a year? But my deepest apologies please do accept them. *bows*
I had a lot of problems piling up on me, including writers' block. I was also spazzing over HoMin's comeback on "Keep Your Head Down" and "Before U Go" as well as JYJ's first ever world tour (sorry, Cassiopeia/TVXQ fangirl mode kicking in here). I'm like a BIG BIG Cassipeian (TVXQ fanclub), so...erm...excuse that ^_^
But anyways, I'm back with a songfic, I was really debating about writing this one, because my first one didn't really get any reviews, but I'm writing this one anyway. This is for Chocolate Ribbons, who is my most loyal reviewer! Thanks to her, I really recovered my inspiration and this is also for all the Kalulu shippers out there!
DBSK/TVXQ/Tohoshinki _-_You're My Miracle
[Micky] My love, open my heart
In there is you big and small which I'm only showing it to you
She was the first person to see through his masks, the lies that he had put up between others and himself. The first ever to strip him bare of his lies and his facades and leave him there, feeling as though he was naked. He had nothing to say in her presence, when they were alone. Her keen cerulean eyes themselves seemed to see through him, as though peeling off layers of lies and acts. He had never felt so vulnerable, his heart bared to her judgement. He swore that it was distaste that he saw in her eyes when she looked at him after Zero's identity was revealed.
He raised his hand to his cheek tinted with red which she had slapped him. He had regretted asking her to do such a foolish thing, knowing her, no matter how much she admired Zero, she would never succumb to orders like that. Feeling so naked in the way that she had looked at him, he slumped against the beam that he was going to push her against.
She had stripped him bare of his masks and lies, seeing his true self, shrouded in darkness, without even knowing it herself.
[Hero] Your existance in my dark life is giving me expectation
Like the stars that light up the sky
He had become something that she could rely on, like the stars that people at sea use to find their way home. Her life had turned upside down after her brother's death, everything spiraling out of control. She had even gone back to school in a last resort to calm herself down. She hated herself for going back there, mingling among the wretched Britannians that considered themselves her friends, she had to force the bile down her throat every few seconds when they talked to her.
It was disgusting, like she was drowning in it.
He had become a star to her, guiding her through the murky waters, so that she didn't lose sight during the times where she was depressed and lost. How ironic, she thought, as she raised her head up to look up at the sky, the old people's sayings were always true. The moon could never compare to the stars, it was just someone who relied on someone else, not having a true light, instead borrowing it from someone else.
Stars however, shone true with their own light, never misleading.
Looking back at the ghettos where he still was, she sighed. He was the only one that could ever be compared to her brother. No matter what, he still was like a star, shining above everyone she knew.
Somehow, it conforted her, telling her that he would be alright.
[U-Know] From the day when I've become a grown up the world didn't care
Due to lies and failures I lost all hope for the future
No one had really cared about him since his mother died. His father had not even bothered to arrange a proper funeral nor tend to Nunally. He was just forgotten like that, as though Lelouch vi Britannia had never existed in the emperor's mind.
It was like growing up had only erased his existence. Sure, Cornelia and Euphie cared, but he didn't know if it was just a mask that they had put on. Especially Schenizel, the only man that he couldn't defeat ever. Who was also the only man that he looked up to and actually called "brother". Who wanted to call Clovis or Odyseuss their brother anyway.
The closest thing that he had to family was Nunally, but now she was with Britannia, unknowningly driving herself closer to death any second. She was blind, crippled, couldn't even move around herself without a wheelchair. He was stunned with shock when he found out that she had actually volunteered to become Area 11's Viceroy. He had immediately lost all hope when she screamed Suzaku's name instead of his when she fell. He had lost even his dear sister, whom he had dedicated his entire life to taking care of. All hope was drained from him.
Until she reminded him if his role, the promise that he had made to the entire Japan.
She was his other purpose to fight. He wanted to see her shine on the battlefield, live up to her name of Japan's famed Red Lotus. She was his other reason to keep being Zero. He didn't know who she loved, who she would fight for, Zero or Lelouch. However, he did know one thing very clearly.
He loved her. His Q-1. Kallen.
[Xiah] You came to a person like me, to a fellow like me
And cleared away the spell that was buried deep inside me
He was like an angel to her, descending from the heavens, giving her hope. He brought out the fighting persona in her that she had kept away when her brother died. He had lifted the film off her eyes. He had let her see again, see clearly into the future.
He had introduced her to this thing called "hope" again.
And she had thought that no one would ever take notice of them again after her brother died. Naoto was the one who held the small yet powerful resistance cell together, he was the one who planned the small scale rebellions, giving Britannia so much to worry about. After his death, the resistance cell didn't dare to do too much for the sake that they might be wiped out once and for all. The one on abducting the so-called "poison gas" had cost them a life of another comrade, making another one in heaven. Neither did they dare approach the other bigger rebel organisations as they were far to minor. Too small.
Yet he had changed it all.
He had given them hope again, even formed one the most formidable rebellion organisations on the face of this Britannian-infested planer. Every rebel in Japan joined under them and soon, even the Chinese Federation joined them. He was a beacon of hope, finding the silver lining even in the most dire of situations. He certainly was the man of miracles, one who could give everyone hope in the bleakest of events. He kept pushing them onwards, turning the tables on Britannia. The future seemed complete with him.
He might not know it, but she didn't love only Zero. She also loved the man under that mask, the vulnerable boy that hid under all those lies.
She loved Lelouch too. Because to her, they were the same person.
[Max] Cause you're my miracle
As long as you're there
The world turns into a white dream
Do you know that I'm always sorry
That I can't show you how much I love you
They could hold on for everyday, meet every unexpected event with confidence and gusto, knowing that the other was there for them. It was each other that they kept pushing themselves on. Lelouch knew that Kallen would be there for him, protecting him with her life to the very end. Kallen knew that Lelouch would be there for her as well, commanding her to move with his accurate thinking. They trusted each other wholly with their whole heart.
They were living miracles for each other. Someone amazing that they could rely on. They could live through each day knowing that the other was there to keep them moving on. The world just seemed to be a perfect place when they knew that each other existed. They knew that life was not meaningless when they had each other.
"Did you ever think life was worth living?"
"I guess it is, if you have something to fight for."
He had to smile at the similarity that they shared, both had something to fight for. They knew how was it to kill, how to walk on despite of their hands stained with blood. They knew how was it to lose someone that they really loved. He somehow regretted the time that he had pushed her away when he had believed that Nunally had perished. She had been willing to comfort him, but he had just pushed her away like that. He had forgotten that her brother had died trying to bring down Britannia. Of course, she knew how was it like losing someone dear to you. He had been so stupid, too caught up in his own grief.
He wished that he could turn back time, to heal her emotional scars again, because he knew that he was the source of most of them.
"Tell me Lelouch, why did you decide to come back to us?"
"Kallen, tell me, when this is all over, will you return to Ashford with me?"
She was shocked when he had made this offer. Truthfully, her biggest desire was to go back and live the life of a normal student. The life that she had thrown away in the first place when she had revealed her identity as the Guren pilot of the Black Knights. It was something that she both regretted and was glad that she did at the same time. Since she had revealed herself as a terrorist, she wouldn't have to come to school everyday to put up a fake front anymore. Yet, she was losing her chance at ever hoping to meet the rest of the student council as friends again. They would always view her as the enemy now. Not only that, she had lost her chance at living a normal school life again.
And yet, he was here, asking if she wanted to go back. With him.
And how much she wished that she could say yes to him.
[Max] One day after arguing with you
When I was tired of my hard life
I was scared because I thought you'd leave
"I won't let you go"
She thought that he had gone for good, that he had been captured by Schenizel and done in. She had wanted to protect him with her life, but after hearing the lies that they had played through the tape, her heart shattered into fragments. She fought back the tears that were treatening to well up in her eyes as she walked away from him. He did not even try to protect himself, instead he openly admitted those lies, those that led The Black Knights to lose their trust in him. The same lies that sold him off to Schenizel.
She was angry, disappointed, distraught, lost.
She had always considered herself his knight, as she knew that despite her codename, she would nothing more than a follower to him. C.C. would be the only one that would be on par with him, no one else. She knew that no matter how much she wanted it, how much she had proved it to him, she could do no more that fight for him. Never know him emotionally, never mentally. She could only fight for him and that was it. That was what she would do. She thought that she was nothing more than a pawn, just used and easily disposable.
She so badly wanted to be acknowledged, she wanted him to say that he was thankful that she was here. She wanted nothing more than to stay by his side and fight for him. She loved him, but had never expected him to love her back. In her heart, she was afraid that he would leave her. She would be lost again. That was how weak she was. However, three simple words told her that he still needed her, still wanted her to stay by his side.
"Kallen, live on."
She knew, she just couldn't let him go.
[U-Know] I living today for you who gives me the most beautiful smile
For me who only hurts you
Her smile was like a dose of everlasting energy-boosting pills. It kept him filled with unexplainable energy, one that would always be replenished, never ending. Although it was rarely seen, it was a joy to see the two corners of her mouth just turn up in a smirk, even that was enough. He knew that her emotions were always honest, nothing else. She would never mask them in front of her comrades. It hurt him to see her, so innocent when she was happy. She was not like the cold-blooded warrior that was merciless on the battlefield. She was like an innocent little kid, who thought the world was one amazing place. He had brought this onto her, it was because of him that she had kiled so many people.
He knew that she was pure underneath all those lies that she had out up to decieve the world. Out of the Student Council that knew Kallen, only Milly saw through her lies to protect them. He had remembered her saying ever so softly under her breath when Kallen leant forward to help the sobbing Nina up.
"You haven't changed, Kallen, always putting others before you."
It was true, how much he wanted to deny that.
She had always him before herself, putting herself in front of him to defend him from any unexpected attacks that would descend upon him. He felt guilty whenever she smiled at him after he thanked her for protecting him. He wanted her to smile like that always. It was selfish, but he wanted to be the only one that she would smile for. Not for victory, not for anyone else. Only him.
His Q-1. Only his. Belonging to no one else.
[Micky] Life that I thought would be everlasting
Disappears with the wind in an instant
She had thought that life would be everlasting, never ending whenever she was with him. He never seemed to grow weary of envisioning a free Japan for them. With him leading them onwards, he would bring the dream of having Japan. She wanted him to realise the dream for her and the other people of Japan. He was Zero, man of miracles, the beacon of hope for all the Areas. She thought that with the progress that they were making, they would eventually defeat Britannia and restore peace and harmony to the world.
However, that time, when he revealed mockingly that he had decieved everyone, the dream was gone in an instant.
Out, out, brief candle! (1)
The candle of hope had just gone out just like that. She didn't believe that he had actually used them all this long. How she wanted Urabe to stand up from his grave again, to tell the other Black Knights that Zero had never wanted to use them as pawns in his elaborate game of chess. She wanted Schenizel to be dead and gone. If looks could kill, she would have struck him from that railing where he stood. She didn't mind being a pawn for him, just for him, just for the Zero that she followed.
However, she knew that he was lying, but she just couldn't admit that. She had no choice but to walk away from him though it killed her to do so.
Their future that she had dreamt of, had just gone up in a puff of smoke.
It had vanished just like that.
[Max] And even though people leave me who turned into failures and hurt
[Hero] Muh~ If only you "If only you
If only you live with me in my world
Even life's rough waves wouldn't be scary
It was true. With her by his side, he was not afraid of anything that would threaten or endanger him. He could just need her and no one else. If only, he had thought bitterly, he had been a little more selfish. If only he had asked her to stay by his side until the every end. But again, she would object to his demands. She wouldn't want to lose him, he knew. Only people like Jeremiah who followed him blindly without question and Suzaku who was so bitter to die would actually comply to this ridiculous plan of killing him. C.C. didn't bother, he knew.
However, Kallen was different, he had told himself.
He didn't want her dying for him. He didn't want to see her crying, especially not for him who had caused her so much grief and pains. He only wanted her to be happy and live, like she should have if he had never come into her life. He wanted Kallen to smile, like she always did. Like she should have always have been, carefree, without burdens.
He had installed a small hidden security camera in her cell, taking it upon himself to watch her when she was captured. He had watched when she had cried and cursed, when she repeatedly threw herself against the wall in attempts to hurt herself physically to quell the pain that was tearing her heart apart. It was hard to watch, but he had steeled himself to watch her, not to turn away in spite of all those things. All of that had hurt him too, he found himself clutching at his chest while tears unknowingly ran down his cheeks. He wanted no more than to hold her in his arms and tell her that it was all right, that everything would be fine and she could sleep without nightmares. He found himself wishing more and more to run away with her, to a world which all of this didn't exist and it was just her and him.
What made it worse that his name repeatedly came out from her lips. Dry, rasping, hoarse, bitter.
After turning it off one day, he realised that he had needed her more than he had thought. If he had her, he wouldn't have found life this difficult. Now everything came crashing down on him like tsunami waves. Including the fact that she still loved him despite all that he had done to her.
It was probably the most powerful wave of all, crushing him, reducing him to nothing.
How ironic. Nothing was probably the only thing that was equal to zero.
[Xiah] Cause you're my miracle
As long as you're there
The world turns into a white dream
Do you know that I'm always sorry
That I can't show you how much I love you
They never had the chance to say "I love you" to each other. It was probably never necessary, never something to be directly expressed in words. However, both regretted that they had never expressed their feeling directly to each other. They had kept their feelings for each other so well hidden. However, it was so ironic that people around them noticed it rather than themselves. Lelouch later found it rather amusing, he realised as he gazed at the black queen piece that was in the middle of the chess board.
He soon realised that everytime that he played chess, he would automatically station the queen piece in front of the king piece. He didn't know whether it was a coincidence, but Kallen had always made sure that she would be in front of him, protecting him to the very end. As he stared at the somehow coincidental situaution, he sighed as he stood up, knowing what he had to do. He walked towards the door, but hesitated as he glanced back to the chessboard in the middle of his room. His eyes fixed only on the black queen that stood proud in front of her king, protecting him to the very end.
She had never expected him to visit her, of all things that she had thought that he would have done. He stood in front of her cell, which was isolated from the others. He had asked her to be put in a separate one, claiming that the Ace was to placed under extra survellience. As she raised her head wearily to regard him, her eyes devoid of all emotion, she noticed that his expression was probably just as blank as hers. He stood there in front of her, his hand twitching. How odd, Lelouch seemed to be hesitating.
His hand soon raised to flip the switch that opened the transparent door that separated her and him. Walking into her cell, he walked over to her before squatting down. She flinched away from him, afraid that he would touch her. He merely looked at her, the violet eyes boring into her. Was it just her imagination or did he actually look hurt? Suddenly, she was overwhelmed by a flood of images with Lelouch standing in front of her asking her questions about being in the Shinjiku Ghetto. She clentched her eyes shut, knowing that Lelouch was removing the only Geass that he had cast upon her.
She was dragged back into reality with soft fingers pulling her chin up to meet his brilliant amethyst pupils, which were searching her face, concern showing clearly in his. Without warning, he leaned in and pressed his lips against hers.
[Micky] The fact that I met you in the middle of all the other people in the world, it's destiny.
It must be destiny, she couldn't help but think as she fell into the kiss, gripping the front of his emperor garb to steady herself. His arms, so warm and comforting, wrapped around her weak body to support her and pull her closer to him. One hand reached up to cradle her face as they fell deeper into their passion for each other, the other tightening it's grip around her waist. Their mouths and tongues moved in perfect sync, as though they had done it many times before.
It must be destiny. No two people could know each other that well.
He pulled back, sensing her need to breathe and pulled her into his arms, breathing heavily into her hair. She had never felt so content, so happy, so at ease. They stayed like that for a long time, enjoying each other's silent company. She snuggled closer to him, allowing him to enfold her entirely in his arms as she leant her head against his chest. He was everywhere; He feathered soft kisses on her hair and across her neck and cheek, his hands caressing her arms and entangling themselves in her red locks, his long legs rubbed reassuringly against hers as he shifted into more comfortable positions from time to time. His warmth was all around her, telling her that he was here.
However, she knew that despite everything that had now, it would not last for long.
He would have to leave soon.
Again, how ironic. It was destiny too.
[Max] If you allow a world where we can always be happy together
"Why can't we stay like this?"
He looked down at her, his expression blank. She stared back imploringly at him, her hands fisting up on his clothes. He found himself speechless for once, tongue-tied as he gazed the the helpless image of the woman that he loved. Threading his fingers through her hair, he was silent as she stared at him, her eyes never leaving his face. He avoided her gaze, pressing the side of his face against her crismon tresses, tightening his grip around her.
"Answer me damnit, Lelouch!"
He had expected the outburst, but he had definitely not expected her to push him away and slap him across the face. He was left there, slumped on the floor of the cell, his ebony hair falling around his face. He simply just couldn't meet her gaze, but he knew that he had to answer her. Kallen was not a woman who believed in the sweet fairytales and fantasies of the world; she wanted the hard truth, the real pain under all those lies. She did not want to be comforted, nor to be consoled or spoiled; she wanted to know the pains, to relieve the person that she loved of the them and walk the path of thorns with him.
Kallen was no ordinary woman. He had learnt that.
Swallowing nervously, he braced himself to look at her. As their eyes met, he saw the agony that was killing her, the agony of not knowing the truth. However, he knew that the truth would only cause her more hurt, force her deeper down the abyss of pain.
But she was special, and he needed to tell her.
"We can't, Kallen."
"Why? You're not answering my question, Lelouch!"
It pained him to hear her desperate voice, but it pained him even more to tell her the truth.
"I can't do it, Kallen," he raised his head fully, looking into her eyes.
"I can't allow a world where we can always be happy together, I can't create a world like that."
Taking a deep breath, he slowly pulled himself up and looked at her face to face. Her lips were trembling, but she was steeling herself to hear the truth.
"Because I love you."
[Xiah] For you, I'll search again for my dream which I lost a long time
She could not believe it. He loved her, but why? Why wouldn't they run away together and stay in a world of their own? Just him and her.
Lurching forward, she grabbed the front of his emperor garb, looking desperately at his face, seeking for any sign of reluctance. His hair fell in front of his face, hiding his eyes from view. Tears started streaming unconsciously down her cheeks as she tried to meet his eyes.
"It was all because of you, Lelouch, that I learnt to dream again! You were the reason behind my determination for fighting, the beacon of hope in my life! I didn't care if I was a pawn in your elaborate game of chess, I didn't bother whether you had any shred of care for me, I just wanted to fight for you. But now..."
She could no longer continue as she broke down into sobs, every intake of oxygen racking her chest, making her breath come in ragged sounds. Her hands slid weakly down as she slumped in a heap against his chest. His arms encircled her again, comforting, warm, loving. They held her again't him, his lips pressed against her hair soothingly, his embrace tightening as he shook with sobs of his own, his tears sliding down her hair.
"I just can't...Kallen." The weak voice that came from his lips was so unlike the Lelouch that she knew.
"You have to be happy without me," he whispered, his voice barely audible as he gently pulled back to look at her. His eyes were filled with tears too as he choked on his own sobs. He stared at her for a long time before sliding one hand up to cup her face, his thumb carressing the cheek. His eyes were filled with hurt and pain, as though every minute of this painful confession was hurting him. She knew that those eyes mirrored her own too. He bit his lower lip as he gazed at her, memorising every single detail of her beautiful face.
"I'm not worthy of your love, Kallen. I'm a terrible person, someone who manipulated you for selfish reasons, someone who toyed with your feelings, someone who used you like a pawn." His voice was bitter, pained, strained with sobs. Violet eyes bored into hers, quivering with tears. Those beautiful, stunning eyes never left her face as he wiped away her tears with his thumbs.
"You showed me how was to really dream, Kallen. Because of you, I searched and found the real reason that I started this rebellion in the first place. For you, I searched for the dream, the dream that I believed I had lost in the first place."
[Hero] Cause you're my miracle
As long as you're there
The world turns into a white dream
"You have to be happy without me."
His words echoed in her head. She could still remember that night clearly, it was imprinted into her head like a movie that kept rewinding over and over again. After the confessions, she had cried so much that until now, the day after he died, her eyes were still red and puffy. She still could not bring herself to believe that he was gone.
Gone from her side, gone from her sight.
In her heart, she knew that he still lived. No one could ever replace the place that he held in her heart; no one could ever give her memories like the ones that he had given her. No other memory would replace that night that she had with him in her prison cell. No one could make her smile again like he had, no one could ever make her as happy as he could. No one, could ever be like he was to her, no one, she was sure of it. He said that he was a terrible person who didn't deserve her love, but she was the one who abandoned him. To her, he was no monster, he was not a demon. He was more worthy of her love than she could be of his. Loving him, she knew, had been something that she had never expected to be reciprocated.
She raised her right hand to her sight, eyes locked on the thin band that encircled her ring finger. A simple symbol, the bird-shaped sigil of Geass was on the silver ring in white, inlaid with diamonds. Simple, yet beautiful, complementing her milky white skin. It was no ordinary ring. It was his promise ring to her. Carressing the symbol with her left index finger, she recalled that fateful night. He had comforted her, before asking her to comply one of selfish wishes one last time.
She closed her eyes, tracing the shape of the sigil, recalling how he had made love to her with such passion and bitterness. The way that he had moved against her, with her, on the cold floor of the cell. The way that he had chanted her name like his life depended on it, the way that kissed her, the way that he had held her in his arms after the climax was over. Everything was irreplacable. She could still feel him on top of her, his hands on her body, his lips on hers.
It was like a white dream, so blissful. Yet so painful and bitter at the same time.
She had woken up the next day, remembering that it was the day of the execution. It was then she wondered if the night before was real. The ring on her right ring finger was enough proof, with the envelope that was presented to her the next day after he had died. Inside the envelope contained a piece of paper with only four words that made her cry all over again.
I love you, Q-1.
Do you know that even though I'm always sorry
That I can't show you how much I love you
He knew that she was always trying to say sorry to him, for abandoning him that day at the warehouse. As he learnt every curve of her gorgeous body that night, he could feel the guilt rolling off her in waves. He lowered his eyes in shame. He should be the one who should apologise, for breaking her heart, for pushing her away, for making her so unhappy, for making her unable to smile freely again. He had cried on her shoulder in shame as she held him in her arms, soothing him.
He was always sorry, for many things.
That was why he gave her the ring. Surprisingly, it was something that he had prepared before hand. He had the ring made even before Cupid's Day, before that day that Shirley and him were made a couple. She had known of the news when she had been rescued from Britannia's clutches, but she had shown no reaction. He had fingered the ring in his hand secretly while he stared at the different images of the girls in front of him. Rolo had noticed, he was the one who took the order for the ring to the shop for him; himself going would have been too conspiscious.
He had realised that as much he didn't want Shirley to get hurt again, he had wanted Kallen to fight with him. He sighed quietly. The ring was the least he could do, he realised as he pulled the prisoner straitjacket onto her naked body again, zipping it up as he entangled his right hand in her crismon strands, coarse from lack of care and fighting. She looked so happy and content as she slept on his lap, her lips pulled up in a slight smile. It was probably the only night that she slept without nightmares since the war started.
It was then he realised that he could only create a world like that for her by dying as Lelouch the Demon Emperor. He blinked back tears as he raised her right hand slowly, marvelling at the softness of the slender digits. Carefully, he slipped the thin silver band onto her ring finger. He would have content to stay with her forever. In fact, that was what he all he wanted; a happy world where he and Kallen could live without any worries, where they would have just each other, nothing else.
As he gently set her into a corner to the cell to let her continue her happy dream, he looked at her face, engraving her happy features into his mind. Planting one last kiss on her forehead, he whispered his his last words to her, choked with the tears that were running down his face.
It was my mistake for making you fall in love with me. You deserve someone better Kallen.
I'll promise that I'll do it with you forever
She had promised him that she would live on, just for him. He had promised her that he would die without regrets, just for her. All of them were just promises, but everything was always taken seriously by them. Every word that escaped their lips, every action that they did, it held the burden of silent promise. They loved each other, and they knew that. There was no more time to say sorry, no more time to say "I love you", no more time to reassure each other that everything was alright.
Staying with each other was no longer an option. In fact, it was never an option. However, she knew that he would always be with her, in her heart. No one could fill up the void in her heart that was left by him. But she knew, he would be with her forever, not physically but spiritually. He would be watching over her, chatising her when needed and giving her comfort when she needed it. She would go on with life, knowing that despite the cold fact that he was dead, he would still be with her forever. Touching the ring to her lips, she smiled for the first time since his death. It was genuine, one that he would have come back to life to see.
He had promised her, she knew, because she had heard him promise eventhough he had thought her to be sleeping.
No matter what happens, I'll be with you Kallen, because...because I love you.
She knew.
A/N: This is a translatation from a Korean song and the names in the brackets are the members that are singing their different parts. There's no need to be confused about everything LOL. Hope you guys liked this one!