Masters of the Universe

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

With Sparky's assistance, Jaylynn starts her own all-girls group. However, she soon realizes that even though she's the leader, she's not going to get everything she anticipated. Meanwhile, KG is on a madman's mission to prove to RK he's funny, but is there more to the story than that?

1. Masters of the Universe Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 27

Airdate: May 6, 2014

Title: Masters of the Universe

Segway Segment: Classic Music Videos ("Crossover" by EPMD)

Satire/Social Commentary: None

Special Guest Stars: None

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Testicular Sound Express (minus Jaylynn) is watching TV.

RK: For the life of me, I'll just never understand the hype behind Avatar: The Last Airbender.

WADE: RK, it's arguably the most intelligent, emotionally effective, thought-provoking cartoon of our time. It beat SpongeBob for Favorite Cartoon at the 2008 Kids Choice Awards. What other show could've done that?

RK: Give me a break with that crock. It just seems to me this show is just an overrated snoozer.

(annoyed) BUSTER: You don't HAVE to use just twice, it's redundant.

SPARKY: I forgot the ending to this show. Don't Aang and Katara kiss or something?

RK: Nah, I think they have sex right then and there. Aang contracts waterbending syphilis and Katara dies six months before he does. Everybody just assumes the Fire Lord murdered them with a semi-automatic.

(long pause; the boys look disturbed and shocked)

WADE: RK, that never happened.

RK: Well, when you read too much fan fiction, you kinda come to these conclusions on your own.

(Jaylynn walks in)

JAYLYNN: Hey guys.

SPARKY: My my, well if it isn't Jaylynn "No Girlfriend" Hernandez.

RK: Looks like I can't remember the last time a girl blew me.

WADE: The lone kid in Testicular Sound Express without a female companion.

BUSTER: Jaylynn, you're so Jaylynny with your Jaylynness, you have no girlfriend because you're Jaylynn.

(long pause)

BUSTER: I can't always be snappy, one of you guys has to pick up the slack for me!

JAYLYNN: Oh, so now you guys are going to bully me because I'm not dating anybody?

SPARKY: Relax Jaylynn, we're just yanking your chain.

RK: Yeah, just a good old choke the dog moment.

JAYLYNN: Well, this dog doesn't like being choked. You know, I've been thinking about Anja ever since the quadruple date. We haven't even talked since then.

WADE: Have you attempted contacting her?

JAYLYNN: Probably twice, and she never responded back. Which is weird when you realize she was trying to seduce me.

BUSTER: I thought I was going to be resigned to that exact same fate before Diana.

SPARKY: You know, Jaylynn, it might help if you...

BUSTER: I mean, most girls just pretend to be interested in you because they either have nothing better to do, they feel sympathetic or they want to prove to themselves that they can be Mother Teresa. But no, when you're sitting alone after having made dinner reservations, you'll pick up what I'm putting down.

(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: BUSTER! Look, Jaylynn, it might help if you do something that you always wanted to do. Accomplish one of your life goals. That way, if you're focusing on THAT, it won't matter if you and Anja are on the outs.

RK: Sparky, that's crazy talk. Everybody knows that if you're going to achieve your goals, you need to make sure you have a lot of self-doubt and little motivation. Wade, you suck! You're never going to achieve anything, you piece of shit!

WADE: RK, this is about Jaylynn.

RK: I know that, but this was my way of dressing you down without having to worry about the repercussions. (winks while Wade stares at him angrily)

JAYLYNN: You know, I always wanted my own posse.

BUSTER: I thought you had to be black to have one of those.

(RK slaps Buster, and he responds by slapping him back)

JAYLYNN: OK, maybe not a posse, but like a defined group of friends.

SPARKY: So we've just been your prostitutes for the last seven months or so, right?

JAYLYNN: Don't get me wrong, you guys are all amazing. But I want to see what it would be like if I had my own group. You know, where I could be the leader.

RK: Jaylynn, don't bite off more than you can chew with this. I mean, look at Kaiser Permanente. He tried to lead Poland during World War I and the Americans destroyed him.

WADE: RK, Kaiser Permanente is a company, not a real person.

RK: WHAT?!

SPARKY: Dude, America and Poland weren't at war during that time.

RK: Roake told me all about Kaiser Permanente!

WADE: Roake smokes crack behind the school and uses a garbage pail for a lunchbox.

RK: No wonder I got a D on that history report.

BUSTER: I got a D-plus.

RK: How?!

(with a cheesy smile) BUSTER: Because I sign my name with hearts.

SCENE 2

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is watching TV.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Drake and Josh Meet Chippendales.

RK: My childhood will never be the same after this.

(A box comes tumbling down the stairs, and RK turns around in an instant)

RK: What the hell was that?!

(KG walks down the steps like nothing happened and rolls the box towards the door when RK clears his throat. KG continues to ignore RK but he clears his throat again.)

KG: RK, you've got something nasty stuck in your craw, you might want to get that checked out.

RK: KG, you're going to make me ask what just happened, right?

KG: No, not at all.

RK: Thank you Christ.

KG: I'm going to explain it in as unnecessary a manner as possible.

RK: (Bleep).

KG: You see, I was surfing the web last night and it was amazing how I found all these unknown, talented performers on YouTube. Some of them become like Cimorelli and actually have value, but others become Justin Bieber and disgrace everybody except themselves. Anyway, I was thinking that no one has ever went on YouTube and tried to become a comedian. A famous comedian. So I thought to myself, "Why not cash in on this YouTube craze?" So I bought this box of props and old joke books, all kinds of goodies, and I'm going to make videos soon. RK (puts hand on RK's shoulder), your brother is going to be a world-class comedian.

(long pause; a bored RK just stares at a smiling KG)

RK: But you're not funny. At all.

KG: RK, you're acting like the stereotypical sitcom little sibling. You're SUPPOSED to bring me down.

RK: I'm not SUPPOSED to do anything, you're one of the worst comedians I know.

KG: You little (bleep) jerk. I have more comedic ability in HERE (sticks up his thumb), my widdle thumb, than you have in your entire body.

RK: Well, that must be the only place you have comedic ability then. Face it, KG, when it comes to jokes, they're either weak, you kill the punchline or you just end up saying something racist.

KG: Every good comedian needs to have a couple racist jokes.

RK: Yeah. Every GOOD comedian.

KG: You know what? Why don't you throw me one of those cutaways you guys constantly make? By the way, you ripped that off a much better show.

RK: It's 2014, I don't think people would agree with you on that one. Well, let's see. Oh, remember the shoe store joke?

CUTAWAY GAG

Testicular Sound Express and KG are having dinner at RK's house.

KG: So anyway, last night I walked into the local shoe store.

WADE: I find it peculiar how he just started talking while we're consuming.

BUSTER: Bitch, give him a chance.

(KG has an open-mouthed look on his face and goes back to setting up his joke)

KG: So anyway, I walked in and I asked the guy if they're ready. (Buster raises his hand) My shoes, Buster. (Buster puts his hand down) So anyway, he said, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." "OK, so what's the bad news?" "You should've came in yesterday."

(KG starts cackling like a hyena, and everybody just stares at him like he's gone insane)

KG: Because...I should've called him yesterday?

JAYLYNN: What the (bleep) was that?

WADE: That joke is utterly implausible. It doesn't make any logical sense for a shoe store owner to know when you're going to die. That would be the hospital's job. And if you had a certain amount of time to live, it's the hospital's responsibility to make sure you get the call. You probably got confused with another joke.

KG: I can tell more!

RK: And I don't want to HEAR more, good night.

(RK gets off his chair and walks out of the room)

END OF CUTAWAY

RK: See what I mean?

KG: RK, I'm the older brother. Therefore, that means I'm automatically better than you at everything. Including this. Which means you're supposed to suck at it.

RK: Keep telling yourself that, I know I'm funnier than you.

KG: Say that again, see what happens.

RK: I know I'm funnier than you.

KG: You're grounded.

SCENE 3

The Hernandez Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

Sparky, Buster, and Wade are walking towards Jaylynn's house.

SPARKY: OK, so if a heroin addict goes into a relapse, what are the chances of them moving on to harder drugs?

WADE: Pretty decent, I'd imagine.

BUSTER: Hey, what the hell is that?

SPARKY: Buster, that's Jaylynn's house. I told you that yesterday.

BUSTER: No, kelp for brains, the enormous spotlights and the bevy of girls AROUND Jaylynn's house!

(Camera cuts to Jaylynn's house, with a long line of girls and two massive spotlights at the corners)

SPARKY: Oh man, I just got Bustered.

WADE: That sounds really gross.

(Sparky, Buster, and Wade walk closer to the house and notice a sign on the roof showing Jaylynn smiling way more than she should be)

SPARKY: "Come one, come all! Jaylynn Skylar Hernandez needs new friends?"

WADE: I told her not to use that picture. Too much teeth in it.

SPARKY: Wade, did you know about this?

WADE: No, I'm just pointing it out. Jaylynn's hot, she doesn't need to resort to that shit. She doesn't.

(long pause)

SPARKY: Uh-huh. Let's go inside.

(We cut to the inside of Jaylynn's house, which has been converted into the type of studio used for auditions. Jaylynn replaced her sofa with a desk, and the TV has been replaced by a white backdrop with fake palm trees and special lighting. Jaylynn also has on reading glasses at her desk and a brown-haired Caucasian girl in a green letterman's jacket, blue jeans and black boots is in front of the backdrop.)

JAYLYNN: So Patricia, what makes you think you're qualified to be a part of my group?

PATRICIA: Well, I'm a people person. I'm not afraid to speak my mind if I think something is wrong, and I don't have a problem with compromising.

JAYLYNN: You know what, I am definitely putting you on file.

(Because Jaylynn doesn't need glasses, she misses the paper and starts writing on the desk)

PATRICIA: Um, miss, you're...you're missing the paper...

JAYLYNN: Sorry, I can't talk while I'm writing.

(Sparky, Buster, and Wade finally make it in the house)

GIRL: Hey, you can't just cut in line like that!

BUSTER: WE'RE HER FRIENDS, YOU IDIOT! (to a disinterested Wade) Geez, some people just aren't courteous these days.

(Sparky walks up to Jaylynn's desk)

SPARKY: Jaylynn, what the hell is going on?

JAYLYNN: I'm holding auditions for my new group. Duh!

(Sparky watches Jaylynn write on the desk)

SPARKY: Jaylynn, please take off those glasses, you can't even see in them. And you can't have strangers audition to be your friends. It's unethical! How do you know if they just want something to gain from you?

WADE: On the contrary, Sparky, a lot of girls have shown up with genuine interest.

(Wade hands Sparky a fat stack of cash)

SPARKY: Damn, this is a lot of interest. Wait a minute, how did you get this money?

JAYLYNN: These girls paid $40 to audition.

SPARKY: JAYLYNN!

PATRICIA: I have a violin lesson in 25 minutes so should I go and Jaylynn can just call me back tonight?

JAYLYNN: Sure, we can trade numbers.

SPARKY: Oh no, you're not! Patricia, you and all these other girls with hopes and dreams can go. (pushes Patricia on the back of her feet out the door) I'm sorry everybody, Jaylynn doesn't want anything to do with any of you, it was a total shammy sham.

(All the girls groan and moan and leave)

SPARKY: Yeah, I'm sorry. Always...remember to choose your friends wisely and...carry exact bus change, and...bring the extra fruit punch to your sister's make-out parties.

(Sparky closes the door)

BUSTER: You know, that bus change story really hit me.

(Wade tries to open his mouth, but decides not to and imitates his mouth being zipped and the key being locked away)

JAYLYNN: Sparky, what did you do that for? Do you know how many girls were a sure lock to join the group?

SPARKY: Let me guess. One?

JAYLYNN: None! And I could've gotten to one if you hadn't shooed away all my applicants.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, you can't hold auditions and make people pay money to be your friend. Who do you think you are, Lou Pearlman? That's not how groups work.

JAYLYNN: Then how else am I going to pull off the Ultimate Warrior? I'm trying to hold two positions at the same time here!

SPARKY: The Ultimate Warrior held titles, not group memberships.

JAYLYNN: OK, Sparky, then what do you suggest?

SPARKY: You can just get friends from our school.

JAYLYNN: Are you high? The girls at our school are gross!

SPARKY: So I guess my girlfriend and RK's friend fall into that category too, right?

JAYLYNN: But not them! Hey, maybe THEY can be part of the group.

SPARKY: That's the spirit. We can start going shopping for your new group tomorrow at school. You could make Anja a member too and maybe someone else. But I should warn you it's very difficult to get Ashley to do what you want sometimes. And RK would know.

CUTAWAY GAG

RK and Ashley are in the lunchroom.

RK: So is it just like you to react to things people say and do?

ASHLEY: I don't know.

RK: You don't know what? Is it like you to react to things or not?

ASHLEY: I don't know is my answer to your question.

RK: You either think you're like that or you don't, there's no I don't know to this.

ASHLEY: Yes, there is. If there wasn't, I wouldn't have said it.

RK: You're just doing that to spite me, you're not slick. Now just answer the damn question!

ASHLEY: No.

RK: OK, you didn't give a good response to my question and now you don't want to answer?

ASHLEY: Yes.

RK: Eat my bozack.

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 4

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is reading Math Doesn't Suck: How to Survive Middle School Math without Losing Your Mind or Breaking a Nail by Danica McKellar when he hears cackling upstairs.

RK: What the hell is going on up there?

(RK follows the trail of cackling up the stairs)

RK: Looks like KG is the one snickering like a hyena. Better follow the trail.

(RK steps on a bag of trail mix as he's finished walking up the stairs)

RK: Why's this trail mix just lying around like that?

(We cut to KG in his room wearing a red bow tie and a black blazer, holding a stuffed microphone)

KG: And so the priest said to the rabbi, "They gave 'em the warden, now they want to give ME to them." And the rabbi said, "Why do you think they want you to be given to them?" And then they both laughed about it and shot themselves.

(RK walks into the room)

RK: Great Spaniard lips, I actually had to see it to believe it.

KG: RK, WHAT did I say about knocking?!

(RK sighs and walks out; he knocks in a slow, exasperated way)

KG: Come in.

(RK slowly opens the door)

RK: What are you doing, bro?

KG: I'm working on some new bits for my comedy act at the Laugh Machine this weekend.

RK: The Laugh Machine?! How did THEY give YOU a show?

KG: Some guy has head lice and it's very gross, so they held a raffle for his spot and I just happened to be there to win with my ticket.

RK: Oh, that makes sense. Ordinarily, they give predetermined spots to FUNNY people.

KG: Dude, seriously, (bleep) you.

RK: I don't get pleasure out of doing this, KG, but if I were you, I would be caught nowhere near the Laugh Machine this weekend. I've been trying to get a show there for months and I've failed, so who knows how they'll treat you?

KG: I'm pretty sure it's because I'm funnier.

RK: You won a raffle to get a sick guy's spot! YOU JUST EXPLAINED THAT!

KG: Don't remind me of things I obviously know I said. Look, if you listen to my new, improved material, I'm sure you're going to be impressed.

RK: Doubt it. You're so painfully unfunny, you make Adam Sandler look like Stephen Colbert.

KG: Your social commentary is so weird.

(RK throws up his hand in the air with a confused look on his face)

KG: Anyway, there were two ducks. These ducks had a lot of nasty, butt-naked sex. So one day, they started a sex shop called Puddleduck and the Quack Quack Gang. A lot of sexy ducks worked there, and it was really gross because all the...

(While KG is setting up his joke, RK looks to the side while smiling and it gets blurry. He starts thinking about his own show. With the theme song set to the exact same tune as Maisy, the opening sequence starts with RK walking out of the Jennings house with Edge's Money in the Bank briefcase from 2005, slicked-back hair, a long-sleeved white button-down shirt, a red tie, black pants and black dress shoes. He bobs his head to his own theme and starts skipping on his way to school, much to the confusion and bewilderment of everyone walking past him. Throughout this, RK has a big toothy smile on his face. At one point, he does the Samantha Micelli, and then tries to do the Running Man but falls on the floor because of his untied shoelace and the music stops abruptly. He ties his shoe which takes almost a minute to do while whistling "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen. The music starts up again like nothing just happened as RK looks at a picture of his new girlfriend Anna, and skips to school with his toothy smile while all the kids stare at him like he's nuts. Sparky's mouth is wide open, Jaylynn slaps herself twice, Buster is slightly aroused while Wade stares at him funny, and Ashley just has the same neutral expression as she normally does. RK walks on top of the school steps and everyone stares at him bewildered as he does. He turns back and faces the camera as C.H. Greenblatt and Walt Dohrn are credited as co-creators. Neil Goldman and Garrett Donovan are credited as executive producers. It is titled The RK Show, and the lyrics are: "RK, RK, won't he come to play? RK, RK, what will he do today? Reference stuff? Try to act tough? Pitch a fit? He's so full of shit! (chorus) Masturbate? Spread Spanish hate? You think he's racist? Maybe in places...Make a plan? Try to be a man? RK's one weird kid... (joining in the song on the way to school) And I do it...ALL WITH STYLE! That doesn't go with the song, RK. Shut up and keep singing or I'll slaughter you! (worried) OK... [slow chorus repetition, now with a frightened and crying narrator])

KG: RK, I'M TRYING TO TELL A JOKE!

(RK wakes up from his dream)

RK: Oh my God! What happened?! Did I go back in time to the era of The Go-Go's?! No wait, this was last week's scenario. Were you trying to talk to me about cream soda?

KG: No, you missed my whole bit. I was attempting to stuff an entire muffin up my rectum like a suppository.

RK: KG, you're not funny and that's really homoerotic.

(RK walks out of the room)

KG: You bastard, I'm going to make sure you know I'm funny.

(Mrs. Tuxedo Pants meows "I doubt you are.")

KG: What are you looking at?! He was talking to you, not me!

(camera cuts to a closeup of Mrs. Tuxedo Pants, disgusted and in disbelief)

SCENE 5

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Jaylynn are walking through the halls.

JAYLYNN: Sparky, I think I should come clean here.

SPARKY: About what?

JAYLYNN: I don't like Halley.

(long pause; Sparky stops walking and Jaylynn stops too)

SPARKY: You dislike my girlfriend?

JAYLYNN: You know, when you put it that way, you make it seem like a bad thing. Isn't it my choice as to who I like and don't like?

SPARKY: Yes, but you've never really shown any ill will towards Halley.

JAYLYNN: I've felt this way for a couple months. Something about her is extremely annoying, it's hard to say really.

SPARKY: Well, what about Ashley?

JAYLYNN: She's decent, I guess. Look, I don't think either of them are truly Masters of the Universe material.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, you...wait, the name of your group is Masters of the Universe?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. You like it?

SPARKY: It sounds old.

JAYLYNN: It's supposed to be. Sparky, Masters of the Universe is different from Testicular Sound Express. We do everything the cool way. So I need the coolest girls around. I'll ask Anja during poetry class today.

SPARKY: You still go to that? I thought it was being phased out.

JAYLYNN: It still comes up when necessary.

(Gilcania and Yomaris walk by)

JAYLYNN: Hi Gilcy!

GILCANIA: What's up, boo-boo?

(Jaylynn rubs her hand on her chin)

SPARKY: What are you thinking, Jay?

JAYLYNN: I'm thinking about adding Gilcania and Yomaris into my group.

SPARKY: But what if they don't want to join?

JAYLYNN: Hey, I can be very persuasive. Who do you think convinced Buster to go to Times Square for New Year's Eve?

SPARKY: That was me.

(long pause; Jaylynn has a smirk on her face)

JAYLYNN: No, it wasn't. (brief pause) Stop lying.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

(Buster, RK, and Wade are sitting down with each other for lunch)

BUSTER: Oh boy, I can't wait to see what's in my sack lunch even though I packed it myself! (opens paper bag and takes out a small yellow box) NO WAY! CHOOKIE CHAW! I love Chookie Chaw!

(Buster tries to open the gum, but doesn't realize it's sealed in plastic)

WADE: You know, some people look at common sense as a paying job. Maybe you could seek employment.

RK: Don't worry Buster, I have safety scissors in my bag. You can tell they're safe because your (bleep) hands can barely fit inside.

WADE: Exactly why do you carry safety scissors around in your sack lunch?

RK: SAFETY scissors. Do you not comprendo? They're made to protect kids like me who are too stupid to use material they have no business touching in the first place.

(RK opens his bag and sees something strange)

RK: Oh man, did Roake think my sack lunch is a toilet again? No, those are just stray Milk Duds. But what's this? (takes out a small, folded white card)

RK: KG, that little sumbitch! He KNOWS I hate Milk Duds! It was a con!

WADE: Or maybe...

RK: CON! Let me see what this stuff is made up of. (opens card) Oh great, it's just another one of his crappy jokes.

BUSTER: What's it say?

RK: "What happened to the boy who cried wolf?" "The wolf shot him...and he died."

(long pause)

WADE: Is it me, or does black comedy just consist of people trying too hard?

BUSTER: I don't get it.

(RK and Wade stare at Buster bored)

BUSTER: I know I'm not Kasparov or anything, but I really don't get this joke. It's not funny. Why does your brother insist on turning your lunch period into...into...see, this is why you guys need to pick up the slack for me, I just can't be bothered.

RK: KG is one of the least funny people I know, but he's on some insane quest to prove to me he's good at telling jokes. Did you know he has a show at the Laugh Machine this weekend?

BUSTER: The Laugh Machine? Ah, that place is sick. If you want to be a great comedian, the Laugh Machine is where you start. It gave us Joey Gladstone for one.

WADE: I don't think a lot of people are happy about that. Homeboy, isn't the Laugh Machine very exclusive? I mean, I've been on a three-year waiting list for tickets.

RK: He won some raffle, I don't know. Now he keeps trying to get me into thinking he's funny.

WADE: It's probably just prepubescent delusions caused by the disgusting onslaught of puberty and too much homework.

BUSTER: That happens to me too. Whatever A.J. said.

(Wade angrily stares at Buster)

RK: I don't really understand for sure what you just said, but I know one thing. KG might be crafty, he might be persistent, he might be battle-tested, but I'm RK. I'm the man. I mean, look at me.

WADE: I don't get it, what am I looking at?

RK: Look, the point is, I'm not going to let KG get to me. I know he's not funny and nothing he says or does is going to change that. But I have to do something fast. If he performs at the Laugh Machine, he'll humiliate himself. I need a screwball, madcap plan for something like this. To out-think a psycho, you have to BE a psycho.

WADE: I'm pretty sure you've been there for years.

(RK angrily stares at Wade)

SCENE 7

Northgate Community Center

Interior Poetry Class

Seattle, Washington

(Everybody is working on their poems)

JAYLYNN: Anja, I have a proposition for you.

ANJA: If you excuse me, Ms. Hernandez, I'm trying to do my classwork.

JAYLYNN: Please don't call me by my last name, it creeps me out. And why are you so pissed anyway? YOU tried to seduce ME.

ANJA: Jaylynn, I'm not attracted to you. I acted sexy to prove you liked me. But as far as I know, you don't, so why harp on it anymore?

JAYLYNN: So we good?

ANJA: Have to be. So what's the proposition?

JAYLYNN: I'm starting my own group called Masters of the Universe and I want you to be the second official member.

(sarcastically) ANJA: Gee whiz Jaylynn, the second member? Thanks a million. That sounds really nifty.

JAYLYNN: You sound really weird doing sarcasm. And I had to ask other people first because I wasn't sure if we were cool again.

ANJA: I guess that makes sense in spots. Who's in the group besides you?

JAYLYNN: Some cool girls from my school. I asked this girl named Gilcania and her friend Yomaris if they wanted to be part of it, and they said yes. Well, Gilcania anyway. Yomaris just cursed me out in Spanish and spit on me.

ANJA: Why would she do that?

JAYLYNN: A lot of people don't like her, it's a sad fact. I'm just glad I understood everything she said. If Gilcania wasn't there, I would've put that bitch in a rear-naked choke.

ANJA: OT.

JAYLYNN: Sorry. So are you in? Gilcania is super-cool, you'll love her. We first meet at my casa de Jaylynn tomorrow after school.

ANJA: Of course I'm in. Finally, I get to be part of a posse! Anja Saleh, kickin' it with the homies. Whaaaaaaat?

(Anja folds her arms like Run-D.M.C. and pouts her lips)

JAYLYNN: You are so cute trying to be tough. You're happy, I'm happy. My very own group is coming together like I always thought it would. I can't WAIT to snag the next two girls! This is going to be totally awesomesauce!

SCENE 8

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(There's a purple banner hanging with the phrase "MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE" in black paint. Jaylynn has a glass of punch in her hand and looks disappointed beyond belief. The next two members of Masters of the Universe? Halley and Ashley. Everybody except a noticeably pissed Jaylynn has a neutral expression. There's one bowl of popcorn on the coffee table.)

JAYLYNN: There's, um...there's punch in the kitchen if anybody's thirsty.

HALLEY: Jaylynn, why did you ask me to join your group if you hate me?

JAYLYNN: Halley, I have no idea what you're talking about. I never said I hate you.

HALLEY: Yesterday, Sparky gave this to me.

(Halley holds up a paper that says "Jaylynn hates you. You don't know me, you never saw me. Just don't tell her I told you. Call it a female's intuition. Plus, you overheard her telling one of the guys, I don't know. Come up with something! - Sparky")

JAYLYNN: Um, Halley, I'm just going to use common sense for a minute and assume I wasn't supposed to see that.

HALLEY: I know. Which is why he wrote this on the back.

(Halley turns over the paper which says, "P.S. I know you're going to show this paper to Jaylynn because you enjoy not listening to me. Just f*** everything I said before. F*** it all. By the way, I'm thinking about taking up skiing as a hobby. Do you think I'm capable of performing Da Flippity Flop by Klaus Heissler? - Sparky")

JAYLYNN: I think he's too young to try Da Flippity Flop. And I asked you to join because there was no one else around.

ASHLEY: Is that why I'm here too? I know you think I'm boring.

JAYLYNN: Ashley, everything I said about Halley was absolutely true, but I never said you're boring.

ASHLEY: Then why did I get this paper from RK today in study hall?

(Ashley's paper reads, "I went to Jaylynn's house last night to see if she got some of that Columbian weed-cocaine hybrid drug shipped in yet. It's the hot new thing and everybody wants to try it. Not me though...I just want to take a mere sample. Might even try it. Anyway, she was muttering in her sleep on the couch about you. Something like you're really boring and your personality is like an intense, brooding artist who really isn't all that intense or brooding to begin with. I don't know, the point is, she thinks you're dull. And you DID hear it from me. Go ahead, tell her. I'm the good kid in this scenario. If she beats the hell out of me, I don't care because I know where her pressure point is and I haven't snapped any necks in a while. If you want to know how I know that, Wade told me. He was spying on Jaylynn undressing a few months back and KG was tickling her. You might want to look into that. Or maybe I should. I'm not, um...I'm not comfortable with writing this anymore. Next election, I might just vote Democrat. I might just. Auf widerhessn. - RK")

JAYLYNN: Regina George probably wrote that. Bitch needs to be arrested for forgery.

GILCANIA: Just to make sure, honey, you actually WANT me here, right? Because if not, I have other places to be.

JAYLYNN: Are you lying?

GILCANIA: Yes. But I do plan on leaving, boo-boo.

JAYLYNN: I have nothing bad to say about you or Anja. Just these two broads.

(Halley and Ashley angrily stare at each other)

HALLEY: I'm going to (bleep) you up, seriously. I'm going to take your (bleep) chicken legs and cut off every (bleep) piece, I'm not Topanga, I will (bleep) choke you out.

(Jaylynn is shocked beyond belief and also scared)

JAYLYNN: I hope my ham and cheese sandwich doesn't come back. Anyway, since I'm the leader of this group, I'm in charge of myself and everyone else.

ASHLEY: That's not fair.

ANJA: I'm with Ashley on this one.

JAYLYNN: Girls, I founded and own the rights to Masters of the Universe. Everything happens because I said it could. When the Sun comes up, it's because I allowed it to.

HALLEY: Bitch, don't get anything twisted, we're all in a group together. Everything is based on fairness and respect. Do you think Sparky was like this?

JAYLYNN: Probably. Everyone goes nuts with power whenever they get it. But eventually, they all fall off after making an awful business decision.

(A picture is shown of Nas' 1999 album Nastradamus, which many rap fans and critics consider to be the worst album of his career)

ASHLEY: I don't think so. Sparky isn't that kind of guy.

JAYLYNN: Well, the Penny Harvest thing begs to differ. Look, guys, I'm the one that has to make things happen.

GILCANIA: We all can if you give us the chance.

ANJA: Yeah. Everybody has to have a chance to shine in a group. Otherwise, we would just be a more attractive version of The Pussycat Dolls.

JAYLYNN: But what about the video game rights EA is offering money for?

HALLEY: There are no video game rights. RK needs to stop knocking you upside the head with a sock full of tennis balls.

JAYLYNN: It was only twice. Well, why don't you guys come up with the first activity? You won't hear a peep out of me.

ASHLEY: Good.

(Jaylynn raises her eyebrow at Ashley)

(feigning confusion) ASHLEY: I don't think I said anything.

GILCANIA: I'll get the punch.

ANJA: So, do you guys have any celebrity crushes?

HALLEY: Well, I always thought Robert Pattinson was gorgeous. And Ralph Macchio from The Karate Kid. You know, at the time of the movie.

ASHLEY: I don't know...I don't really pay attention to celebrities like that.

JAYLYNN: Of course you don't.

ASHLEY: I thought you said you weren't going to say anything.

JAYLYNN: I will blatantly violate my own rules if I want! I'm the leader!

(coming back with the punch) GILCANIA: Hey Anja, I never found out where you're from.

ANJA: Well, my parents were born in...

HALLEY: Jaylynn, you're really pissing me off.

JAYLYNN: You piss me off. Try to smack me, see what happens.

ANJA: I guess no one will ever find out where I'm from.

(Halley smacks Jaylynn and the two start fighting; Ashley holds back Halley and Anja holds back Jaylynn)

HALLEY: YOU'RE A BITCH!

JAYLYNN: GO (BLEEP) YOURSELF!

ASHLEY: You know what, I'm leaving. This group has too much drama.

JAYLYNN: Oh, then consider yourself kicked out, young lady!

ASHLEY: OK. You're a horrible leader anyway.

HALLEY: I agree. I don't want to be in a group where someone has to answer to Ms. Fake-Ass Lita here.

JAYLYNN: I don't care what YOU do, Halley. And I don't get the reference!

(Halley walks behind Ashley out of the house as she closes the door)

GILCANIA: Um, I'm a little disturbed right now, so I'm going home. But if you guys want to make another meeting, you know where to find me. See you, babies!

(Gilcania walks out, comes back, grabs an empty bottle from the recycling bin, washes it, and pours the punch from the bowl inside without getting any on the floor; a wide-eyed Gilcy stares at a bewildered Jaylynn and Anja)

GILCANIA: I'm thirsty.

(Gilcania closes the bottle, and walks out of the house without saying anything else; after a few seconds of them staring at the door for no apparent reason, Asil turns towards Jaylynn)

ANJA: You know, Jaylynn, you WERE kind of an ass. I've never seen this side of you before.

JAYLYNN: Well, what do you want ME to do about it?

ANJA: I don't know, that's your problem. But you really need to reevaluate your attitude before you lose your group...and your friend.

(Anja leaves the house angrily)

JAYLYNN: So this is what I get for participating? (Bleep) you, Stephen Chbosky!

(The oh-oh-ohhhhhhh-oh from the Big Time Rush theme song starts playing in the background)

JAYLYNN: SHUT UP!

(The music stops and Jaylynn just folds her arms in anger, with a disappointed look on her face)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

CLASSIC MUSIC VIDEOS

Artist: EPMD

Song: Crossover

Album: Business Never Personal

Year: 1992

Label: Def Jam

"Crossover" samples Curtis Mayfield's "Don't Worry If There's a Hell Below (We're All Gonna Go)" and Roger Troutman's "You Should Be Mine." Despite the lyrical content criticizing commercial-oriented rap artists at the time, "Crossover" ironically became EPMD's biggest hit (charting at #42 on the Billboard Hot 100) and becoming the duo's only single to receive a Gold certification from the RIAA (selling at least 500,000 copies).

(The music video for "Crossover" starts playing)

SCENE 9

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky and Jaylynn are sitting down eating; Sparky is chomping at his sandwich and Jaylynn sounds very frustrated)

SPARKY: So they basically just ditched you?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, it was awful. What went wrong?

SPARKY: I don't know, maybe you were being too much of a bitch?

JAYLYNN: SPARKY!

SPARKY: Jaylynn, as your friend, I'm going to call you out on your BS. And from what you told me, it just looks like you were really unfair. There are leaders and then there are dictators. And Jaylynn, you were being a dictator.

JAYLYNN: I had to get the respect of those losers. This is totally weaksauce.

SPARKY: You can't get respect by thinking you can boss people around all the time.

JAYLYNN: Why? Tony Danza and Kirk Cameron did the same thing in the 80s.

SPARKY: Dude, I look at you and I see someone who has potential to be a great leader. But the problem is, you want to demand respect. A true leader COMMANDS it.

(Jaylynn notices Halley, Ashley, and Anja at the table across from her and Sparky; she gets angry)

JAYLYNN: I'm going over there.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, please don't make a scene. Just apologize for what you did.

JAYLYNN: I don't know. Apologize? They WERE pretty mean to me.

SPARKY: Well, what do you think MADE them that way?

JAYLYNN: (sighs) Maybe you're right. I bet McGruff the Crime Dog never had to deal with conflicts.

CUTAWAY GAG

McGruff is in a jail cell with prison stripes and a concealed bag of marijuana. It's unknown how he succeeded at smuggling it or why he's imprisoned in the first place. He looks around, nervous. He also takes out a pack of Zig Zag rolling paper.

MCGRUFF: Do I take a bite out of crime or do I smoke a bit with this spliff?

END OF CUTAWAY

(Jaylynn walks over to meet a giggling Halley, Ashley, and Anja)

HALLEY: Oh, what do YOU want, asshole?

JAYLYNN: I just wanted to apologize for what happened yesterday. I was a jerk. And if you guys could've just listened to me, we wouldn't have had those problems that we did.

ASHLEY: You just contradicted yourself.

JAYLYNN: I know what I said, Ashley. I want my own group and you guys just need to be reasonable here.

HALLEY: What kind of apology is this? Once again, you want us to bend over backwards just to accommodate you? To Hell with that. This is why you won't have friends, Jaylynn. You're lucky Sparky and the guys put up with you every week. Everything you say and do is designed to piss someone off and you don't understand that.

ANJA: Yeah, Jay, like Idina Menzel says, just let it go.

JAYLYNN: Anja, what are you doing here? You don't even go to this school.

ANJA: I...I really don't know.

(long pause; Jaylynn is very bored)

JAYLYNN: Please go back to your own school.

ANJA: OK.

(Anja waves goodbye to Halley and Ashley, who reciprocate and she walks away; Jaylynn stares daggers at Halley and Ashley as she goes back to Sparky)

SPARKY: So, what happened?

JAYLYNN: It didn't work out. They hate me even more now.

SPARKY: What did you say to them? They look like they want to kill you.

JAYLYNN: I don't think that's important. Sparky, what do I do? I want the same relationship with my groupmates that you have with Buster, RK, Wade, and me.

SPARKY: Well, Jaylynn, not everyone can get that kind of relationship overnight. It takes a lot of time to develop. And I hate to be the bear of bad news, but did it ever occur to you that you just don't get along with girls?

SMOKEY THE BEAR: I'M the bear of bad news, not you.

(Sparky and Jaylynn look up and see Smokey the Bear looking at them angrily)

SPARKY: Smokey, it's not 1977 anymore, go away!

SMOKEY THE BEAR: But don't you want to hear the bad news?

SPARKY: What is it?

SMOKEY THE BEAR: Nobody cares about wildfires in the Southwest.

JAYLYNN: I'm pretty sure that's YOUR fault.

SMOKEY THE BEAR: It IS.

SCENE 10

The Jennings Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

RK is leaving the house and heading towards his car.

RK: Man, I love going to the grocery store in the afternoon, cruising through the easy streets of Seattle. And to take advantage of the store's convenience. CONVENIENCE!

(RK goes into his car and starts driving; he turns on the radio)

VOICEOVER: You're listening to Radio DCOM, the station that plays your favorite songs from Disney Channel Original Movies.

RK: YES! ONLY white teenagers can appreciate this stuff!

VOICEOVER: Our next jam is from the 2009 DCOM Starstruck starring Sterling Knight. Chad Dylan Cooper, anyone?

(imitating Chad Dylan Cooper) RK: CDC here, what it do? (chuckling)

("Something About the Sunshine" by Anna Margaret playing on the radio; RK yells the lyrics off-key while on the highway, up to the chorus)

KG: RK, if you're out there listening, you HAVE to hear my Angela Lansbury impression.

RK: KG's on the radio?! What's wrong with that damn kid?

RADIO DJ: DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET THE (BLEEP) OFF THE RADIO!

KG: I'm trying to prove to my little brother that I'm funny.

RADIO DJ: YOU'RE NOT FUNNY, NOW GET OFF THE (BLEEP) RADIO!

KG: Could you stop saying radio with that inflection? You could really annoy someone like that.

RADIO DJ: That's it. I'm getting the gun. Paul, where's the gun? I'm going to shoot this kid on live radio. If they can do the John Cena phone tap garbage, I can do this.

KG: Too bad, bitch, I've got a gun. (to the tune of "Janie's Got a Gun" by Aerosmith) KG's got a gun...KG's got a gun...

RADIO DJ: (Bleep), I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't even know what to do now. I don't even know if I should kill you.

KG: Why WOULD you kill me? Because you're a big fat meanie?

RADIO DJ: No, because you're (bleep) brain dead. Where the (bleep) is (bleep)ing security up in this place, man?

SECURITY GUARD: This kid bothering you?

RADIO DJ: Obviously, he keeps wanting the attention to make everyone think he's cool when he's not.

KG: How dare you accuse me of that! Who do you think I am, Jennifer Lawrence?

SECURITY GUARD: We're going to escort you out of the station, sir.

KG: A common mistake in bunraku puppetry is that people mistake the three-stringed Japanese lute called the shamisen for the four-stringed lute called the biwa.

SECURITY GUARD: I don't care, I'm escorting you out of the station NOW.

KG: Damn, your breath is HOT! Two words, man: Tic and Tac.

(Throughout this, RK has an extremely disgusted and constipated look on his face)

RK: I think I just drove to a nudie bar by accident. Hey, from this angle, I can see some guy swinging it.

SCENE 11

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is watching TV when her doorbell rings; she goes up to get it and it's Gilcania)

JAYLYNN: Gilcy, what are YOU doing here? I have beverages, but please don't steal them this time.

(walking into the house) GILCANIA: You're funny, girl. I came here to help you with this...what's your group called?

JAYLYNN: Masters of the Universe.

GILCANIA: Yeah, Masters of the Universe. Jaylynn, I don't want to see you lose your group so quickly. And I think that at your core, you're not a bad person. But you have to learn how to treat people nicely because believe me, it's going to come back and bite you when you're older.

JAYLYNN: But I don't think I get along with girls that well. Other than Anja who I met at my poetry class, my closest friends after that are four boys.

GILCANIA: Look, Jaylynn, I don't feel the same way about you that Halley and Ashley do. You're actually a good person at your core. You just need to learn to be a respectful leader and communicate with us IN a respectful way.

JAYLYNN: Doesn't that show weakness?

GILCANIA: Boo-boo, the only weakness a leader can show is acting like an idiot. And I'm going to show you how to talk to girls so you can give Halley, Ashley, and Anja a REAL apology.

JAYLYNN: Why go to all this trouble?

GILCANIA: I think this Masters of the Universe thing is pretty cool. And the last thing I want is for us to fight all the time and for someone to think they run everything. I'm pretty sure that's what happened to Destiny's Child.

JAYLYNN: Well, let's get to it then. We should have a bodacious JONAS-style musical montage!

(long pause; Gilcania and Jaylynn give each other blank stares)

GILCANIA: You've spent a VERY long time with Testicular Sound Express.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, it has its high points.

SCENE 12

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and KG walk through the door after coming home from the local precinct.

RK: You know, you're lucky that radio DJ didn't press charges against your asshole.

KG: Hey, he's the one who threatened to kill me and pretty soon, he's going to be behind bars. Lucky for him I didn't reference the Rush Hour Renegades. COMING AT CHA!

RK: I CAN'T TAKE THIS CRAP ANYMORE! KG, you've been driving me absolutely nuts with your failed attempts at proving to me you're funny! What is it going to take to get you to kill that noise? Here, I'll give you money, all my money! I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH IT IS, JUST TAKE IT ALL! (RK throws several dollars at KG; KG notices pink writing all over it; it says things like "Fishbone Was Here" and "Where's George's?")

KG: Who's Fishbone?

RK: GIVE ME THAT! When I was younger, my friend George and I played a game named Fishbone at his sleepover...and he found mine. Look KG, why are you so hung up on trying to prove you're funny?

KG: RK, did you know I stopped playing the guitar?

RK: You did?! Why?

KG: I just don't have the passion for it anymore. I'm not even as big a rock and metal fan as I used to be. So I decided to have a fallback job as a comedian. RK, I'm turning 14 in September. In two years, I'm going to be 16 and I'll have to support us myself. I don't want my little brother to think I'm a failure. I want you to have someone to look up to while you're growing up and becoming more responsible. Do you know how much it pained me for you to say I'm not funny? It means you don't think I can do it and you won't support me. That hurt, RK.

RK: Damn. And all this time, I thought you were just doing this comedian thing as a joke. Look KG, if you think I'm not going to support you and your choices, you probably don't know me at all. If I knew you were taking this seriously, I wouldn't have made fun of you about it. But bro, look. Life is going to get really hard the older you get. You and I both know that no matter who you are or what you do, life is a terrible thing. But one thing that will never change is the love and support I have for you, KG. You're my big brother, my second father in a way. We grew up pretty rough.

KG: Yup. Dad's an idiot and Mom's kind of difficult to talk to. I'm glad I have you for a little brother, RK.

RK: And I'm glad I have you for a big brother, KG. (RK and KG hug) If you want to be a comedian, you have my full support. But you have to get better if you're going to be successful.

KG: Thanks RK. But is it really necessary to get better? I mean, Dan Schneider still has a job.

RK: Let's not be glib about this stuff, bro. Did...did I use that right? Glib?

KG: Yes.

RK: Oh...because it sounded weird when I said it, I barely use that word in everyday conversation.

KG: IT WAS FINE, RK!

RK: OK, geez.

SCENE 13

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

("Keep It Real" by the Jonas Brothers playing in the background)

Gilcania is teaching Jaylynn how to be a nicer person to Halley and Ashley so the Masters of the Universe can reform. Gilcania gives Jaylynn a book called How to Keep Yourself from Strangling Girls You're In Constant Contact With by Jamie Lynn Spears. Jaylynn uses her reading glasses again, but Gilcy takes them off by force and smashes them repeatedly with her foot. Jaylynn throws her hands up in the air. Gilcania forces Jaylynn to try writing an apology to the girls, but she can't find the right words that would make the conflict resolution music come on. Jaylynn then starts thinking about what happened that day, and realizes Sparky was right. She was being mean to Halley and Ashley. And Anja to some extent. It allows her to write an apology.

SCENE 14

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn, Gilcania, and Anja are there. They're all waiting for Halley and Ashley. Gilcania is standing in place while Jaylynn is pacing and nervously tugging on her Soundgarden T-shirt.

JAYLYNN: I'm scared. What if this was all for nothing? What if they don't show up? What if I have to start a whole new group?

GILCANIA: Jaylynn, relax, Halley and Ashley aren't that vindictive that they won't come.

ANJA: It was reading your apology that made me realize you were sincere.

JAYLYNN: Anja, for some reason, I can't help but feel like you don't have a role in this.

ANJA: What do you mean?

JAYLYNN: I mean, Gilcy's been helping me, Halley and Ashley are the enemies, and you're kind of just...around.

ANJA: Well, the less people know about me, the better. I'm just mysterious that way.

(under her breath) JAYLYNN: And it's so sexy.

ANJA: What?

JAYLYNN: Nothing.

GILCANIA: I like what you two have.

(doorbell knocking; Jaylynn looks out from her peephole)

JAYLYNN: IT'S THEM! OK, time to make it shine.

(Jaylynn opens the door and allows a disinterested Halley and a blank-faced Ashley to come in)

JAYLYNN: Come on in, girls. Just take a seat.

HALLEY: Is she really apologizing?

ASHLEY: I mean, if she's really sorry, I can respect that. Or maybe not feel a certain way.

HALLEY: You don't feel a certain way about a lot of things.

ASHLEY: I know. (giggling)

JAYLYNN: (standing up, in front of the TV, clearing her throat) Alright girls, I'm very sorry for...for what happened last week. I was being unreasonable and selfless, selfish.

(The camera focuses on a confused Halley and Ashley who look at each other, a confused Anja and a confused Gilcania)

(in her mind) JAYLYNN: This isn't me. I can't give a handwritten apology like this. (crumples the paper into a ball and throws it to the side, much to the girls' shock) I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm not comfortable writing this down. If I'm really sorry, then I'll just tell you so. Halley, Ashley, Anja, I'm sorry for everything I did at the first meeting. I only cared about myself and I didn't realize that being a leader means you don't boss people around. When I was younger, I didn't really have a lot of friends, or even talked to girls that much. Sparky was my first lifelong friend, and even now, I still mostly keep in contact with boys. All my life, I wanted my own group. I wanted to be a model leader, to gain respect and control. But I realize now that my intentions were good, and nothing else was. And Halley, for you to say everything I do is to piss someone off, you're wrong. I think you just meant yourself. Look, I was an awful bitch and I took advantage of you guys. So the only thing I do now is (bleep) the whole thing and act as if the group never existed.

ASHLEY: Jaylynn, that's not good enough.

HALLEY: Yeah, it's not.

JAYLYNN: What are you talking about?

ASHLEY: Jaylynn, we never had a problem with being in a group with a leader. We just didn't like the way we were being treated.

HALLEY: Yeah, Jaylynn, we don't have to be best friends forever 24/7, but we deserve respect at the end of the day. And I think that if you work on yourself and we try to be patient, we can make the Masters of the Universe work.

JAYLYNN: Why do I need to work on MY self? I don't change for anybody, Halley.

GILCANIA: Jaylynn, boo-boo...

(Jaylynn looks around and chuckles nervously at a pissed Halley)

JAYLYNN: Look, Halley, just forget what I said. We can make this work. From now on, a clean slate.

HALLEY: You know, you're still kind of an ass.

JAYLYNN: And you're not exactly a family member. But I respect you.

HALLEY: You know what? I do too.

(Jaylynn and Halley shake hands)

ASHLEY: Do you still think I'm boring?

JAYLYNN: In spots, yeah.

ASHLEY: Oh, that's good. Because I think you're just a lame goth kid.

(Jaylynn and Ashley just stare at each other and start laughing)

JAYLYNN: One day, I'll slaughter you for that, kid.

SCENE 15

The Laugh Machine

Interior Chuckle's Diner

Seattle, Washington

Testicular Sound Express, Masters of the Universe, Diana, Adriana, and Anna are all in their best clothes to see KG perform his comedy act.

ASHLEY: So this is our first official group activity? I don't know...

JAYLYNN: Don't worry, Ashley, KG's funny. Usually.

ANJA: Emphasis on the usually.

JAYLYNN: Hey, you barely even know the guy.

ANJA: I saw his Rosanna Pansino impression on YouTube that he posted two days ago. I lost my eyesight for 15 minutes.

(KG comes onto the stage in a green leisure suit while "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead plays in the background)

KG: Alright, so who's ready to party?

(cheering from the gang, while everyone else looks on intently; Anna can't stop clapping)

RK: Anna, you can stop now.

ANNA: I'll tell you why this happens later, babe.

KG: OK, so ABC Family has a lot of dramatic shows, right?

BUSTER: I'm quite fond of Pretty Little Liars.

DIANA: So am I! We're really good for each other.

BUSTER: We sure are.

(Buster kisses a giggling Diana on the cheek; Wade tries to do the same to Adriana, but she unknowingly moves a bit and Wade falls over on the floor)

ADRIANA: Oh my God, Wade, are you OK?!

KG: You guys are ruining my bit.

ANJA: That's because it sucks.

KG: Oh, you think you can do better?

ANJA: Hell yeah, because I'm way funnier than you.

RK: Hey, don't bully my brother! Unless you want some neck snapping done to ya!

ANJA: RK, you know me.

RK: I know that, but show some damn respect in this establishment!

KG: Thank you bro. Anyway, ABC Family decides to make these dramatic shows to earn some cheap Emmys, but the Emmy committee is always like, "What the hell is ABC Family?"

(laughs from the audience)

KG: Yeah, that's funny? That's funny? You know what's NOT funny?! AIDS! AIDS IS NOT (BLEEP) FUNNY!

(KG breathes heavily in anger while the audience is noticeably shocked; Sparky smacks himself in the face, and Buster smacks him also even though you would think he would smack himself too; Sparky angrily stares at a confused Buster)

KG: OK, so the comedy of truth isn't going to work all the time.

(black screen; KG can be heard in a voiceover)

KG: (clears throat) Alright, next joke. Why does Nickelodeon hate us so much?

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Smooth Operator" by Big Daddy Kane playing in the end credits)

©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

THE BIG, EPIC, SHOCKING SEASON FINALE ON MAY 18