A/N perhaps I shouldn't have gone to a funeral while listening to sad music. I spent this morning at a funeral for a co-worker's wife and on the way home listening to this song a story came to me and this is that story. This story is so different than anything else I've written and I hope you enjoy it.
Additional A/N This story contains the death of a major character. Please don't read if this type of story bothers you. Personally I don't usually like stories involving the death of either Red or Lizzie, but see the A/N above to explain me writing something I probably would never read normally.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Blacklist, Liz Keen, or Raymond Reddington. I only own the two OC. Liz truly belongs to Megan Boone and no one but James Spader could ever have been Raymond "Red'" Reddington. I also don't own Keep Me In Your Heart. That belongs to the late great Warren Zevon.
Warren Zevon
Keep Me In Your Heart
Shadows are falling and I'm writing out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for while
When you get up In the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
There's a train leaving nightly called when it all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha la la la la la la la li li lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha la la la la la la la li li lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for a while
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Engine driver's headed North to Pleasant Stream
Keep in your heart for a while
These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha la la la la la la la li li lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha la la la la la la la li li lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Keep me in your heart for a while
Lizzie knew that this day was going to come some time. She just hoped that it hadn't come this soon. The funeral had just been that morning and she found herself restless. She decided to go and search through Red's desk; something she would've never done had he still been here. His desk was his sanctuary so to speak, not the room, just the desk. She never looked at what he had in his desk and he never offered to show her.
She slowly search through the desk drawers and finding all the normal items that you would expect to find in a desk, There were pens, paperclips, pencils and some other odds and ends that she just assumed he tossed into the drawer and then forgot about. In the top desk drawer, way in the back, she found an envelope addressed her. By the condition of the envelope it looked like it had been in the drawer for many years. She wondered what had been so difficult for him to tell her that made him write it down and stick it in a drawer.
Lizzie sat back in the chair with the envelope in her hand. The writing on the outside of the envelope was in his distinctive handwriting and in red ink. She slowly slid her fingers under the flap and opened the envelope. She slipped the paper out of the envelope and unfolded it to read.
Lizzie my love,
As I sit here and write this note know that this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. I intend to write it only once so I hope you understand that as you read it through. Parts of this may seem like old news to your but, I write this letter after only two years together with you. They have been the happiest times of my life. I know that may be difficult to believe knowing that I once had another daughter that I loved more than life itself. But. my life away from my daughter was not a happy one. Between my duties as a naval officer and my wife not understanding my frequent absences due to the duties I'd been assigned. We argued frequently, but I never wanted that to be the type of marriage that I had. Now thanks to you I've experienced the joy that a perfect marriage can bring. Every moment with you has made me feel that I am the happiest man in the world and I've been so blessed to have you in my life.
If karma has finally caught up with me and has made me pay for my past, know that I never wanted to leave you. Please know that I can only hope death has found me after many happy years with you. At the end I knew that I was loved. That is something I never thought I would experience again.
This next might surprise you, but, I know I will see you again. I was raised to believe in God, though I fear the actions I've taken in my life may send me in the opposite direction. You should know that I hope catching all those on my "Blacklist" may have won me some redemption.
My love, I hope you have many, many years before we meet once again. I want you to live a long life full of love and happiness. I don't want to be alone, so please Lizzie don't shut yourself off from people. I was living proof of what doing that to can do to a person. Whatever you do, don't become the person that I was before I met you.
Goodbye my love,
Raymond
After reading the letter Lizzie sat slumped in the chair with tears rolling down her face. If she'd known what this letter had contained, she may have waited before reading it. It was still much too soon after losing him to read this, but she had to smile, he must've been redeemed, as Ray had died quietly in her arms at the age of 85. They'd had 30 glorious years together and two children that were the light of his life, Raymond Junior whom they all called Junior, and a beautiful daughter named after Meera. Lizzie had thought she would have to fight Ray to name her after their old partner at the FBI. He had surprised her by approving wholeheartedly of the name.
As if thinking of the children had summoned them they quietly entered Ray's office.
"Mom what are you doing in here?" asked Junior.
Meera sat in one of the chairs in front of the desk giving her mother a look of understanding.
"It's because in this room daddy is still here. Whenever we couldn't find him anywhere else in the house we knew to look here. We were never welcome to anything in the desk, but we were always welcome in the room. I know I still feel him here." Meera said crossing her arms in front of her as if giving her invisible dad a hug.
Lizzie smiled at her daughter. She was as perceptive as her father and she could read people with a single glance.
"Your little too perceptive for your own good." Lizzie said with smile. "You're right I do feel him here and I decided to see what was in this desk after 30 years."
"So what did you find?" Junior asked as he sat in the other chair in front of the desk.
"Believe it or not I found a letter your dad wrote to me 30 years ago. I can't believe that he kept all the time." Lizzie said with tearful smile.
Junior got up from his chair and walked around the desk to wrap his mom in his arms from behind. "What does the letter say? Is it too private share?"
Lizzie thought about the letter and what it said. The letter never truly states what would have caused Ray's concern with karma. She thought that it was about time that they learned about Ray's first family. She handed the letter to Junior.
"After you read this let your sister have it." Lizzie said.
Lizzie could tell by the look on his face that he was surprised to by what he was reading. She prepared herself for all the questions that Junior and Meera would have after reading the letter. They had not kept the story from the kids for any particular reason. The mystery of that Christmas Eve in 1990 had been solved. They had Berlin to thank for solving the mystery of Ray's wife. It had been a strange time for her and Raymond. The lengths that he had been willing to go to get his wife back from Berlin had surprised her. She'd found herself angry at him for giving up Berlin and all his money to get Naomi back. They had tried so hard and spent so many hours trying to find Berlin, only for Ray to let him go.
She had eventually come to understand that Ray may not have loved his wife still, but he felt responsible for destroying her life. The pain on his face whenever Naomi's name had been mentioned had been real. This was not him putting on a show for anyone around him. Ray had hidden her at his home and away from Berlin once he'd rescued her. Red had taken Liz with him when he'd gone to meet with Naomi for the first time in nearly 25 years. That was the first time Liz had been to Red's home. She didn't even know he had someplace he considered "home". A place that contained everything he still had of his daughter. Of his family from so long ago.
Once he'd apologized to Naomi and determined she didn't know where Jennifer was hiding he'd kissed her forehead and let her leave with her new husband. Naomi had explained that one day Jennifer had simply withdrawn all the money from her bank accounts and disappeared. She could be anywhere in the world now. Naomi had not spoken to her again.
Lizzie was brought back to the here and now by Meera's voice.
"This says dad had another family, another wife and daughter, is that true?" Meera asked with a confused look on her face.
"Yes, her did. Your dad was working for the Navy and disappeared when on a mission. Years later his wife and daughter were placed in Witness Protection, the reason is unimportant any longer. He finally found his wife after 25 years. She told him their daughter had simply disappeared one day. She wasn't taken by anyone she simply decided to leave. He never found his daughter and his wife went back into Witness Protection." Lizzie said.
It was obvoius that Meera was having trouble accepting that her father, who'd doted on her might have doted just as much on this mysterious Jennifer. Unfortunately, Junior had focused on his dad's part in the story. She didn't think they would ever be ready to hear about their dad the "Concierge of Crime".
"What caused dad to disappear like that? I can't think of any assignment that would have lasted long enough to be considered dead."
"I can't tell you Junior. All that information is still classified above Top Secret. Let's just say when your father returned to find his family gone, he became a man you wouldn't recognize. He was cold, manipulative and extremely dangerous. He started working with the FBI to capture criminals that were extremely dangerous. That is where I met him. We worked together to take those criminals down. He slowly changed into the man you knew. " Liz answered carefully skirting his true relationship to the FBI.
Both Junior and Meera sat quietly while they tried to absorb the surprising news. Lizzie decided to to remind them of something they seemed to be forgetting.
"You both only need to remember one thing about your dad, he loved you completely. Losing his first family ate at him for years. He was afraid that if he started another family he could lose them as well. It took me years to convince him that he wouldn't lose us. Does any of this make his extreme protectiveness understandable?" she asked looking at both of them from across the desktop.
Junior nodded his head slowly. Liz could see him remembering all the times Ray was adamant that he never go anywhere without telling him. Meera was nodding her head with a small smile while tears coursed their way down her face. Liz could only guess at what thoughts were going through her head.
"I always thought dad was just terrorizing my boyfriends like all fathers do. I remember how so many of them cancelled our date on the spot. All the others that didn't told me how scaring dad was when we got out of the house and into their car. I'm surprised I ever had a date at all."
Lis decided that they had enough to think about at the moment. She stood up making sure all the drawers of the massive desk were closed. She walked over to both of her children and stood between them with a hand on each of their shoulder. She squeezed their shoulders briefly before saying, "It's late and we've had a long day. We can talk about this more in the morning. I'm going to head up to bed. I suggest you do the same. Don't look in the desk, I want to discover what else is in there myself."
Liz turned and gave both of them a kiss on the cheek. She wasn't looking forward to another night laying in her bed alone. After being together for so many years she couldn't sleep without the heat of his body and the quiet snores that he vehemently denied making. Liz reached over and pulled Red's pillow to her nose. The scent of his cologne was fading, but she kept the pillow to her nose as she slowly slipped into a dreamless, endless sleep.
The next morning Junior and Meera found their mom still holding onto their dad's pillow with a smile on her face. They quicly realized their mom had been unable to live without the man who was the love of her life. She had quietly slipped away to be with him again.
Barely holding back her tears, Meera said to her mother, "Mom I hope you find dad. Please tell him that we love him. I know you'll find him sitting around the dining room table working on a crossword puzzle while sipping on his morning tea. Goodbye mom we love you both so much."