~ A Little Bottle Mishap ~
By Snapegirlkmf & CJ Moliere
Author Notes: We were prompted to write this little one shot by several readers of A Magical Kingdom Mishap who were curious to find out what exactly happened when little Killian released a nasty Djinn from her bottle. Here is the answer, dearies! Enjoy and thank you for reading!
When Killian visited Rumple at the shop he was always told not to touch anything without Rumple's permission but the little pirate had a habit of not doing what he was told.
He was also a curious child, too curious for his own good and when he got it in his head that he wanted to do something, he went right ahead and did it without thinking about the consequences.
On this particular day, a few weeks before they were due to head to Florida and Disney World, Rumple was rearranging and inventorying some of his older antiques and magical objects. Despite what others thought, not everything in the shop belonged to other people who had put it up for collateral. Some of it was his own private collection and some of it had also been inherited from Zoso.
One of those things was a pretty gold and purple glass bottle with an ornate stopper in it. It was actually a magical container, though it looked like a fancy lady's perfume bottle.
When Killian saw it the first thing that came to his mind was an old TV show Rumple and Belle watched called I Dream of Jeannie where a female genie lived in a fancy purple and gold bottle and had an astronaut named Tony for a master.
He thought the genie was pretty even if she did run around half naked according to Rumple.
Rumple was almost done dusting the glass case with some of his most expensive and magical objects inside it, and had put back almost all of them when his phone rang. "Killian, I need to get this. So just mind the store till I get back, okay?" he joked to the little boy as he hurried into the back room.
"Kay!"
He didn't intend to be more than a few minutes on the phone.
Killian hopped onto the chair behind the display counter and stared down at the objects in the case, a strange bottle catching his eye.
Holy crap! he thought. Rumple's got Jeannie in the bottle! Better let her out so's she can go find Tony!
He knew Rumple kept the keys to the display counter locked in the cash register and hit the no sale button to open it. He quickly unlocked the case and took the bottle out but when he removed the stopper nothing happened.
Meanwhile, Rumple had an idiot on the phone telling him his latest shipment of a rare Ming vase and a samurai sword were delayed because the person shipping it had written his address wrong. "Now listen carefully to me . . .it's Storybr-r-ooke, Maine" he rolled his r's deliberately. "NOT Storybook that you read. No I'm not kidding . . ." He facepalmed himself. He almost wished he were dealing with a computer answering service.
Idiots, he thought sarcastically. There's a new one born every minute!
Killian was getting frustrated. "Guess I gotta rub ya the right way," he muttered, reminded of a rather annoying song by some Christina girl that Matt listened to.
Great! Now they've put me on hold! Rumple thought irritably, and took a drink from his Evian to calm himself before he developed an ulcer.
Killian rubbed the bottle then shook it. "Hey Jeannie, you can come out now," he yelled into it.
Purple smoke erupted from the bottle and then swirled around it until it solidified into . . .
...a young woman who bore an uncanny resemblance to a someone both Killian and Rumple knew too well though Killian barely remembered Milah now.
"Are you trying to make me lose my hearing, boy!" she snapped.
She was wearing a red silk harem outfit with sparkling bits of diamonds and gold on it and golden bracelets that clinked as she moved her hands. Her veil fluttered over her lush dark curls.
"You was ignoring me!" he protested.
She tossed her curls. "Three hundred years cramped up in that bottle and I get let out by a KID? You look like you're barely out of diapers!"
"M'not wearing diapers or Pull Ups! I got underwear on. Batman ones!"
"Thrilled to hear that little detail." She rolled her eyes. "What's your name, small fry?" She knew she should call him Master but it grated on her pride to call a toddler that.
Killian glared at her. "My name's Killian an m'not a small fry neither!"
She reminded him of Jeannie's mean sister who was always trying to steal Tony.
She gave him an amused grin. "So," she said, conjuring a hookah out of the air and inhaling on it. "What's your wish, darling?"
"Quit smoking dope for starters. It's bad for ya!"
"I," she declared loftily. "Am a genie. It can't hurt me, unlike you frail mortals. What's a child like you know about it anyway? Have you been naughty and tried some?" She shook her finger at him.
"Nah but I ain't dumb cause I see people smoke dope outta those things on TV!"
She creased her perfect brow. "TV? I am not familiar with that." Then she shrugged. "No matter." She glanced around. "What is this place? A warehouse for decrepit things?"
"No, this is Rumple's shop an these are antiques, ya pothead!"
The genie snorted. "Antiques? What's this? Someone's old table?" She went and jumped onto a priceless jade and onyx inlaid chess table, causing it to topple over and the pieces to break on the floor.
"Whoops! What cheap construction!"
"Nah you need ta lose some weight!"
"You calling me fat, boy?" she demanded. "I can slip through a keyhole like the wind!"
"Oh yeah an' I bet you break wind too an' it stinks worse n' a sewer!"
"Killian! What was that noise?" Gold called. He cursed the fact that he was still on hold, having already gone through three assistant managers trying to resolve this.
"Ummm...I kinda let Jeannie outta the bottle an' she's bein a witch!"
"You WHAT?" Gold sputtered. Then he slammed the phone down and came into the shop. "What bottle? Killian Gold, how many times have I told you not touch-MILAH?!"
"That her name? Sounds witchy like her only spelled with a B."
Rumple was speechless for several moments, trying to figure out how his dead ex-wife was now alive and well and standing in his shop in Storybrooke. He feared he had gone mad, or was dreaming . . .
And Milah had been a bitch, the worst kind.
She sauntered over to the sorcerer in the Armani suit. "See something you like? Then again, to an old man like you . . .you probably like everything," she purred coquettishly. She sniffed. "Kind of scrawny, aren't you?"
Rumple stiffened. "Not interested, dearie." He could feel the hairs on his neck stand up.
"An' you're kinda slutty. Bet ya got crabs!" Killian taunted.
She whirled on him. "Hush little baby, don't say a word . . .Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird!" she chirped, and removed the child's ability to speak, so he couldn't tell her to go back into the bottle.
Killian tried to speak but no words came out. He gazed at Rumple through terrified eyes.
"What did you do, you houri?" he snapped, and then gestured and Killian's voice was given back to him. "The bottle, lad!"
Killian tossed the bottle to him.
"Throw her back, she's a bad fish!"
"No! Brat! You need to be flayed raw!" shrieked the genie, and she went and grabbed the stopper of the bottle which Killian had left lying on the counter. She smirked and waved it, for without the stopper, the bottle wouldn't contain her, even if she was ordered back by the bottle holder.
"If you think I'm going back in there without a fight, Grandpa, think again!"
Killian stomped on her foot.
"Oohhh!" she snarled, jumping up and down. Then her hand flashed down, her nails elongating into claws. "You want a cat fight, little brat?"
He kicked her in the shin.
"If ya had nuts I'd kick ya there too!"
The genie swore and teleported across the room, the stopper still clenched triumphantly in her fist. "I think some redecorating is in order!" she giggled wickedly, and summoned a desert khamsin.
The wind swirled through the shop and broke several objects in its fury. Rumple just managed to save the crystal unicorn mobile of Emma's.
The genie laughed. "How do you like that wind, small fry?"
"Rumple's gonna make you dust, Jeannie Ho Bag!"
"That crippled old beggar?" she sneered. Then she turned and snatched the two marionettes of Gepetto's parents off the shelf. "Aww how cute! Rock a bye baby!" she giggled, then was about to set them on fire.
"That's enough, Desdemona!" Rumple bellowed, her name had been written in magic runes on her bottle. He waved a hand and the dolls vanished from her grip.
"That name's worse'n Milah!"
Desdemona stamped one bare foot on the floor . . . and it began to split open, pouting like a teenager told her phone privileges were revoked.
"Now git back in your bottle, you ho!" Killian yelled.
Desdemona glared at Rumple and Killian. "You can't make me return to that bottle!" she snarled.
"Oh, can't we, dearie?" Rumple challenged.
"Better hurry up, Rumple, 'fore she makes the shop fall down around us!" Killian cried.
The genie laughed evilly. "Now that sounds like a fantastic idea!"
"Me an' my big mouth!" moaned the little pirate.
Rumple should have known that a genie that looked like his hated first wife would be as difficult as Milah. She was going to learn quickly that it wasn't very intelligent to play around with him.
He pulled his grandson aside. "Killian...we need to get the stopper for that bottle from her. If I distract her, do you think you can do it?" he whispered in his ear.
"I can do it!" Killian said confidently.
"Okay, lad."
Desdemona, getting bored playing with the old man and the kid, was ready to just bury them under a pile of rubble and seek greener pastures.
She did want a master, one that was much better looking in her opinion and would be a bit lax in his authority. That was the problem with her previous one. The moment she got out of line it was back in the bottle.
"If you stop wrecking my shop I'll make a deal with you, dearie."
"Oh? For what?"
"I can take you to the kind of master you're looking for," Rumple said smoothly.
"Do you honestly expect me to believe that?"
"Think about it, dearie. You've heard of the Dark One, haven't you?"
Her eyes lit up. "You know the Dark One. THE Dark One?"
"We've had a few run ins..."
Killian tried not to laugh while he waited to make his move.
The genie sighed. "Ahhhh what I wouldn't GIVE to be with that man...those leather pants..."
Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "And just HOW do YOU know the Dark One aside from having a few run ins?"
"I owe him a favor."
"Well...I'm sure we can work out an arrangement," she cooed. "But you'd better follow through old man or I'll give you the worst case of the itches in history...and in a rather uncomfortable place."
"Oh I'll follow through all right," he assured her. "Wait here. I need to call him on my magic mirror."
He walked quickly into the backroom so she couldn't see him cast an illusion on himself so he looked like the Dark One and use his magic to swap his Armani suit for his familiar leather pants, vest, flowing shirt and leather boots. Then he made the cane invisible, since he still needed it to walk and strutted, as much as he could, out over to her.
"You called, dearie?" he drawled in his best impish tones. "What can I do for you?"
Desdemona looked up at him, starstruck. "Ooh, you're really here! In the flesh! Oooh!" she moaned, sounding like she was either in great pain or imitating a goat.
He fought to keep from laughing. Dear gods, she even sounds like Milah! Now I don't know how the hell I ever slept with the wench! It's like sleeping with a damned goat, he thought wickedly, and began to giggle uncontrollably for a moment.
"Oh . . .dearie . . .dearie . ..dear!"
Desdemona was too caught up in her own rapture to notice he was behaving rather oddly. "Oohh . . .Dark One . . .I want you to be my master . . .and I will be your perfect . . .love slave . . ." she batted her eyes at him, thes eyes that she had been assured were like a gazelle's, sweet, dewy, and innocent.
Killian waited patiently for her to relax her grip on the stopper so that he could grab it and give it to Rumple.
"Oh? And what's your name, dearie?"
"C'mere . . .and I'll whisper it in your ear . . ." she purred, and she shimmied like a snake uncoiling from a hot rock.
"Very well," and he started to come over beside her, thinking, Killian, you'd better work fast, imp, because I do NOT want her pawing me! Besides the fact that she looks like my ho late wife, and turns me cold as ice, Belle will skin me alive!
Yuck! Killian thought. Worse n'a dog in heat. What's she gonna do next...start doing the nasty on his leg?
Killian saw his chance and snatched the stopper, running over to Rumple with it.
Stupid ho! Take that!
Rumple took the stopper and just as Desdemona's lips grazed his ear said, "Am I your master, Desdemona?"
"Yes . . .Yes . . .YES!"
Killian wanted to gag.
Rumple now waved the stopper teasingly. "Then I give you first and last command-back in the bottle, you houri ifrit!" he ordered.
"Nooo!" she wailed. "Why? You are the Dark One! I can show you delights you've never dreamed of!"
"Thanks but no thanks," Rumple snorted. Then he banished his conjuring. "I already get delights at home, dearie, from my wife."
"You-you-TRICKED me!"
"No . . .you see, dearie, I WAS the Dark One . . .until my curse was broken . . . and now I am just . . .Rumplestiltskin again. As I was born to be."
"You were born to be the son of a-" she began to swear at him in seven languages.
"Give her the Ivory!" Killian hooted.
"The best idea I've heard all day!" his grandfather said, and conjured a large bar in to her foul mouth. "Back in the bottle, Desdemona! And maybe another three hundred years will chill that foul tongue of yours!"
A red mist formed and drew the now silent genie back into the bottle. Rumple quickly slammed down the stopper, rewove a new enchantment over it so no one could open it save himself, and put it back in the display case with a sign that said Display Only. Then he closed and locked the case with the keys that were dangling from the lock and turned to look at his disobedient grandson.
"Uh oh..."
Rumple stuck the keys in his pocket. Then he gave the boy one of his famous Looks.
Killian knew that Look meant he was going to be looking at a wall for a while and getting a lecture.
"Uh oh is right, young man," he said severely. "I think we need to have a little talk. Come with me." He gestured and the shop signed was turned to Closed. He didn't want any interruptions while dealing with his scamp of a grandchild.
Why me? he groaned silently, as he limped towards his back room.
"M'sorry..."
"I know, but sorry's a beginning, not an ending," Rumple told him, sitting down in his red leather executive chair. Normally he would have stood while delivering this lecture, but his leg was hurting and he would need to sit down anyhow later. "Killian Gold, how many times have I told you to never touch ANYTHING in my shop unless you get my permission?"
"Ummm...lots...but I thought you had that girl from the TV show in there!"
"Ah ah . . . and what did I tell you about assuming anything when it comes to magic items?"
"To not to..."
He shuffled his feet nervously.
"And why did I tell you that, lad?"
"Cause ya never know what bad things are gonna happen an there's always a price with magic," the toddler recited.
"Yes. But you didn't follow that did you? You deliberately disobeyed me and took the keys from my register and opened the cabinet. And what almost happened?"
"We coulda got hurt bad."
"Very badly. Desdemona was locked away in that bottle by Zoso for a reason . . .she was one of the worst temptresses and wicked ifrits in the history of all the realms. She caused the downfall of many a ruler . . .and foolish vizier . . .and many a city before she was stopped and sealed in that bottle. Look what she did to my shop-and in the space of ten minutes!"
"Why does anyone want her anyhow? She's a hobag!"
Rumple cleared his throat. "I have no idea, and don't try and distract me, lad. It won't work. You're lucky she wasn't exactly thinking with her head when you released her, because if she had been she could have taken you hostage once she had the stopper . . .and that would have been a catastrophe!"
He shuddered to think of what the depraved djinn could have done to his toddler grandson.
"Huh?" Killian shivered. "Ya mean like that Tamara an Greg an Pan?"
"Yes, exactly like that! She's no Jeannie, Killian, all nice and helpful, she's a wicked spirit of fire and destruction . . .and she could have hurt you badly in exchange for her freedom . . .or to make me do things for her that would damn me to hell." His black and white star pendant swung from its chain as he leaned over in his chair to gaze into the boy's eyes. "And I would have done them . . .because I would do whatever I had to in order to keep you safe . . .even break the damned Balance."
For that was his fatal weakness . . .and all Masters of Light and Dark had them.
Killian started to cry. "I don't want you bein' anybody's slave again!"
It was painful enough to watch him laboring for Pan to keep his friends safe in Neverland.
"Nor would I wish to be, son . . .but for my famly I would do anything," Rumple intoned. And when he said anything, unlike those who uttered those words and never really thought about what they implied, Gold meant them, knowing all the cost required.
Killian hugged him around his knees. "Won't touch anything in here again! Not gonna be the cause a you bein' some jerk's slave!"
Gold ruffled the little imp's hair. "Good." Then he grimaced and said, "However . . .realizing what you did is wrong is all well and good, BUT," he held up a finger. "It doesna get you out of my punishment." Then he uttered the words that every child in the Gold family knew meant utter doom. "Because now you're in serious trouble, Mr. Gold!"
"Kay," Killian took a deep breath. "M'gonna get a spanking?"
Rumple nodded resignedly. "Yes. And it's gonna hurt me more than it will you."
"I know," the boy sniffled.
Gold's jaw clenched. Then he crooked a finger at the child. "C'mere."
Killian walked toward him slowly, hating to have to have this done...again.
Rumple waited till the child had come to him, then he picked him up and placed him over his lap. "Four swats and then five minutes in the corner. I should probably give you an extra one for putting yourself in danger but . . .I won't this time."
"Why not...I havta get one for 'membrance."
"Aye, you do . . .and I forgot you're four now," Rumple groaned.
"Uh-huh an I gotta quit doin' stuff I should know better not to."
"You do . . .and this should help remind you in the future." Rumple said sternly. He felt much as he had when he'd needed to discipline Bae all those years ago, regretful as hell but determined. Just get it over with, Rumple! he scolded himself. He brought his hand down firmly on the small bottom. "One."
Killian yelped loudly. He hadn't expected that to sting quite so much.
Rumple cringed inside. He bit his lip and continued, counting after each stinging swat, making the child's bottom regret every moment of his disobedience.
And Killian did, without a doubt. He would NEVER touch anything in the shop without Rumple's permission again and he hoped that awful genie went to Hell and got cooked in Lucifie's stew pot!
Finally Rumple delivered the last, and hardest, swat, then said, "Okay, lad. 'Tis done." He took the boy and set him on his feet. Tears were falling down his face and Rumple ached to wipe them away. But he said only, "Corner."
"Kay..." Killian bawled.
Rumple timed him on his Rolex, and rubbed his hand on his knee. In the corner his grandson squirmed and rubbed his stinging behind.
Finally it was over and Rumple called, "Killian, c'mere, dearie."
The child turned and ran into his arms and the old sorcerer hugged him for a long time and let the boy bawl into his suit jacket, murmuring, "Now will you PLEASE not make me do that again? You know how much I hate doing that."
"I know an' I don't wanna make you do it again!"
Rumple's hand carded his hair. "Then remember this, okay? All's forgiven, little imp."
"You gonna send her to hell so's she cooks in Lucifie's stew pot with Pan?"
Rumple chuckled. "Imprisonment in the bottle for all eternity is hell for her, Killian."
"Awww! I want Lucifie to roast her!"
He supposed he would have to settle for her being trapped. "Ah well...Lucifie probably wouldn't wanna eat her anyway since she'd give him crabs."
Rumple started laughing. "You're probably right. Now let's go clean up my shop, lad. Then we can go have some lunch."
"Can we have mac n cheese n hot dogs?" Killian asked hopefully.
"Yes, would you like me to make it or shall we go to Granny's?" Rumple asked, fixing the cracked floor with a bit of magic.
"Granny's sucks. Yours is better!"
Killian started helping his grandfather clean up by putting some of the items back in their proper places, leaving the most valuable ones to Rumple to handle.
Soon they had the shop back in order, and then Rumple said, "Go get your jacket, lad."
"Yay!"
He raced into the backroom and grabbed his jacket. Having lunch with his bestie was one of his favorite things in the world.
The 'bottle mishap' would remain a secret between them...for now.