Hey..

This fic is about Dean sitting in the library of the batcave thinking about life. It is nothing special or surprising. It is just something that I can say I am proud of writing.

DISCLAIMER: I need you to know that I do not own supernatural or any of its characters. I just love the universe kripke has bought to life and I love to delve into the abyss..

Fearing this world is not paranoia, you are not delusional or crazy if you realize that other beings; more dangerous beings coexist with us.

Hell. I would say it might help some of you if you actually see what is out there. It might save your life someday, or the life of someone you love.

It is always sad when someone loses their innocence and naivety to the harsh reality. It might be absolutely staggering but it is also the truth.

Keeping your eyes closed to what is out there will not help anyone. And when it comes down to it, survival is precedented over just about anything. Even a suicidal person will choose survival over being killed in horrifyingly painful ways.

I once had to tell my brother all about it. It was agonizing to watch how the bright light in his eyes dimmed with every word I spoke. I regretted opening my mouth for years after. I resented myself for taking away his happiness and his childish wonder of the world.

Now though, after years upon years of fighting things that make grown men quake in fear. I can say, it was the best thing I could've done for my brother. It is clearer now, it was the right decision. He needed to know. Period.

Even if it were a wrong move, he would've found out eventually about it with or without me telling him outright. My dad was geared up to do it soon himself.

This world is so much bleaker than what you expect it to be. It is so much darker. The earth suffers from a disease; evil. Evil is etched into every crevice of this planet, in the hearts of humans, in the shadows you dismiss, in things you don't believe exist. In you and in me. There is inherent evil residing in all of us. The punch line: Are you willing to give in to it?

I have made terrible choices, done things that would make anyone turn on their heels and never look back. But all I did was for the right reasons, I wanted to save the world. I ended up taking the first step into breaking it, I was the righteous man who broke, and in turn broke the first seal. Sometimes, Alastair's voice still echoes in my mind. "And it is written that the first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in Hell. As he breaks, so shall it break."

As the popular saying goes "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." I can say I have literally lived this saying, while it is true, I can tell you I wont change a thing if I were given a do-over. Sam has and always will be my priority. I may come across as a selfish bastard as Sam himself so eloquently once told me. I am neither selfish nor stupid, I am just a big brother looking out for my kid brother.

My intentions had always been to keep Sammy safe and sound. I still feel ashamed and guilty that my brother, Sammy, had to go through all he did. It is all my fault. I mean if I hadn't dragged him out of college on that night years ago, things might have turned out differently. Maybe Jessica would still be alive. Maybe Sam never would have been thrown into the cage. Maybe I wouldn't have turned out such an angst ridden fuck. Maybe I could have had an easier life.

But after all is said and done, today, in the here and now, I am proud of Sam and of myself. We are both world weary, we bear a burden so heavy it can't be lifted off us even if the whole universe joined in. We are broken in ways humans were never meant to feel. We carry resentment, hurt feelings and a lifetime of betrayal and hurt against each other. It is truly baffling to be alive and capable enough to think about all that has happened to me, to us.

In the end I would like to tell you all that I have found my peace in the life we lead and I will carry on doing what we were always supposed to do. Saving people, hunting things, the family buisness.

Sam and I, we are brothers, we may not like each other at times, might not want to see each other or hear the others name, hell, sometimes,we might even feel the urge to truly kill each other. But in the end we are a team, we stick together, we share our misery and we move on. End of story.

I am Dean Winchester, big brother, hunter and an absolutely hopeless flirt. Talking to you from my super secret lair; the batcave. Over and out.

Thank you all for reading. A review would be nice. You can always send me suggestions of what you all will like to read, I will try and write something related to it. Happy reading! :)