SETTING: CHEERS
BEHIND THE BAR: Sam is cutting lemons, Woody is pouring a drink, and Diane is going through her mail.
Diane: My my. Look at this. An invitation to my 15th high school reunion.
Woody: Fifthteenth, Miss Chambers? (counting on his fingers) So that would make you…
Diane: I graduated early!
Sam slinks up behind her…
Sam: Still … (counting in his head) that would make you….
Diane: VERY early! (haughtily) At least I graduated.
(OFF Sam's slight look of hurt.)
Diane: Sorry, that was a low blow. I'm just – I wasn't expecting this. It's incredible how time flies, how your life just passes before you in the blink of an eye…
Sam: You gonna go?
Diane: Oh. I don't think so.
Sam: Come on. Why not?
Diane: I don't want to talk about it.
(She flounces off with her tray of drinks.)
LATER
(Diane comes to the bar and drearily sets some glasses down. Her face is downcast.)
Sam: What's the matter? You've been glum all day.
Diane: Oh, Sam. (sighs) It's this reunion thing.
Sam: Why are you taking this so seriously?
Diane: Oh sure, easy for you to say! You're a semi-celebrity of sorts. What am I going to do? Go there and let everyone see that the valedictorian, the student voted Most Likely to Marry Into Old Money is… unmarried, no children, never published and… a serving wench?!
Sam: That is kind of sad.
(Diane shoots him a look. He breaks into a smile.)
Sam: Come on! Anyway, who says you have to tell them all that? Everyone lies at those things.
NORM turns from his permanent place at the bar and joins the conversation.
Norm: Yeah, Diane. Do you think I told everyone at my reunion that I'm unemployed and hang out in a bar all day?
Diane: What did you tell them, Norman?
Norm: That I'm an astronaut.
Diane: An astronaut?! That is the silliest thing I've ever heard.
Norm: Say what you like, Diane, but I was the hit of the reunion. People could not get over the fact that I could be weightless.
(CARLA saunters over for a zinger.)
Carla: I've got it! You could tell them the biggest lie of all. That you're a natural blonde!
Sam: (giving her a slight warning look) Carla… (she walks away -– for the moment)
Sam: See that? No one tells the truth at those things.
Diane: Oh, right, I forgot. I'm talking to the man with the morals of a barnyard animal in heat. Well, Sam Malone, not everyone has so little issue with lying. I personally find it repugnant.
(CLIFF, also at his permanent place, speaks up.)
Cliff: So do I, Duy-yan. At my reunion, I was proud to inform everyone that I now represent the venerable U.S. postal service. And, believe me, they were impressed.
Carla: (popping back into the scene) Of course they were. It's not too often you get to meet someone so delusional who's not in an insane asylum.
(She glides off – -for the moment.)
Cliff: (Back to Diane) The key is not to brag. For example, I was humble and careful not to trigger feelings of inadequacy in those who hadn't climbed as far in life as I have. I delivered the news of my meteoric rise in the proper fashion.
(Carla is suddenly back for a barb.)
Carla: Now if only you'd deliver the mail to the proper address.
(Sam shoos her away again.)
Sam: (to Diane) Look… here's an idea. (He leans eagerly over the bar.) I'll go with you.
Diane: And?
Sam: And - Do I need to spell it out for you?
Diane: Let's hope not or we'll be here all night.
Sam: Come on. Don't play stupid.
Diane: Sam, that's a game I would never play with you. I'd stand NO chance of winning.
Sam: (puffing himself up) Sweetheart, look at me!
Diane: Excuse me?
Sam: (preening) I go with you, you've got the best-looking guy there. No one will care what you do for a living or how many kids you have. They'll all be too jealous of Diane Chambers' smoking hot guy. (he raises his eyebrows at her, quite impressed with himself)
Diane: (rolling her eyes) Sam, that is THE most moronic idea I've ever heard. Norman, could you see Sam's head from space?
(she starts to consider)
But … maybe. I mean, well, I guess it might be something at least … if can you keep your mouth shut.
Sam: There you go.
Diane: And you're a neurologist.
HIGH SCHOOL REUNION – SOMEWHERE IN THE SUBURBS
(Sam and Diane are walking through the crowded room. She suddenly stops him.)
Diane: Sam, oh my god, there's Tammy Liddell. Is she coming this way? Oh my god, here she comes.
Tammy: Diane? Diane Chambers?!
Diane: Tammy!
(They kiss and hug and then suddenly walk by each other cold as ice.)
Sam: (flicking his thumb) What was that about?
Diane: We hated each other. We were rivals for Snow Prom Queen. She won. I still say she stuffed the ballot box.
Sam: So that's what you do when you hate someone? Kiss and hug them like that?
Diane: (coyly) Sam, you know better than anyone that's what I do! (casting around for familiar faces) Oh, look, there's Julie Marstow.
Julie: Diane? Diane Chambers?!
Diane: Julie?!
(They kiss and hug.)
Julie: You look exactly the same!
Diane: Oh, you are too kind. (pulling Sam closer) Julie, this is my … husband, Sam. Sam Malone.
Sam: (shaking Julie's hand) Howdy.
Julie: Hello. Diane, you certainly have snagged yourself a handsome husband.
(Sam puffs himself up and glances at Diane as if to say "See?")
Diane: So he's told me.
Julie: So, what are you doing these days? I imagine you must be a famous author by now.
Diane: (embarrassed) Well, sort of … I, uh, I'm still working on my novel… but it's been a little held up, what with marriage, running a household, helping Sam get through medical school.
Julie: (to Sam) Oh, are you a doctor?
Diane: (butting in) He's a neurologist.
Julie: You're kidding!
Diane: (holding Sam closer) Darn straight he is. Aren't you, honey?
Sam: So she tells me.
Julie: Where do you practice?
Sam: Uh…
Diane: Boston Hospital.
Julie: That's incredible! My husband practices neurology there too.
Diane: (stunned) I'm sorry?
Julie: Yes, Drew. He's getting some drinks. Oh, there he is. (waving him over) Drew, you won't believe this. Diane's husband is at Boston Hospital too.
(DREW and Sam shake hands)
Drew: You don't say. What do you practice?
Julie: He's a neurologist. Surely you two must know each other?
Drew: (confused) No, we haven't met, have we? Very strange.
Sam: My office is, uh, way in the back. Practically outside.
Diane: (thinking quickly) Julie, I'm so sorry, but we really should mingle. I see someone I just HAVE to connect with.
(Diane rushes Sam off away from the couple.)
Diane: (horrified) I can't believe that. What are the odds?!
Sam: (not fazed) Relax! They're probably lying just like we are.
Diane: Sam, not everyone goes around lying all of the time. Maybe we should just leave.
Sam: Look, we drove three hours to be here. And I'm hungry. Now you say whatever it is you need to say, I'll be by the buffet.
(He saunters off. Diane calls after him.)
Diane: Fine, I'm not lying anymore!
(Suddenly, a voice calls to her from within the crowd, and a tall, elegant brunette makes her way over.)
Millie: Diane?
Diane: Millie? Is that you?
Millie: (holding out her arms) Diane… I can't believe it. You look amazing.
Diane: So do you!
Millie: So what are you doing with yourself these -
Diane: (stunned by the force of her own lie) I'm an astronaut!
Millie: (shocked) What? Diane?! That's insane!
Diane: I know. Who would have thought, huh? Diane Chambers, valedictorian, indefatigable bookworm, president of the Bronte Appreciation Club…
Millie: No, I just mean it's insane because, well, I'm an astronaut too!
Diane: (angrily) Is there any career that's off limits to you people?
Millie: Sorry?
Diane: (backtracking) I just, I mean… (laughs nervously) I thought I saw you hanging around Mars! Ha ha!
Millie: So you must be with NASA?
Diane: No, I'm sort of a… freelancer.
Millie: A freelance astronaut? I haven't heard of that.
Diane: (really digging herself in deep) Yeah, it's new. They send you to space… but you get no health insurance! Anyway, you know, I've been thinking of getting out of this whole astronaut thing. It's getting kind of boring… really, how many times can you orbit Earth before it gets redundant? It looks the same every time… (desperately) Oh, there he is, my husband. (calling) Sam, get the hell over here!
Sam: (amused, he puts his arm around Diane) There you are, dear.
(He shakes Millie's hand)
Hi, I'm a neurologist. (to Diane) Or did we decide against that?
Diane: (gritting her teeth) Darling, do shut up. Millie, this is my husband, Sam Malone.
Millie: Nice to meet you.
(Suddenly Julie and her husband Drew are back in the picture.)
Julie: Diane, Drew and I have to leave, he has surgery in the morning, but I couldn't go before getting your number. We must get together back in Boston, the four of us.
Diane: Oh, ah…
(Suddenly, another excited voice emerges from the crowd, followed by a pretty blonde.)
Lorelai: Diane, Millie, Julie?
All three women: Lorelai!
Lorelai: (squealing) Girls!
(The four women clasp hands and shake them up and down.)
Women: (singing) Hot, hot, to trot, we're the girls who will not stop! We're the girls who clap and cheer, we're the girls who never fear!
(They break apart and begin laughing.)
Lorelai: This is so exciting! How are you all? I am so -
(Suddenly her eyes fixate on Sam. Her expression completely changes).
YOU!
Sam: (bewildered) Me?
Lorelai: YOU! Why are you here?
Diane: (confused) Lorelai, this is my husband.
Lorelai: (to Sam) You're married?!
Sam: (genuinely confused) Do I know you?
Lorelai: (beginning to get enraged) Unbelievable! We had a date?! Don't you remember?
(Sam quickly looks to the crowd. Everyone is staring at him, stunned into silence. )
Sam: Uhh, well, that was a long time ago…
Lorelai: Last week?! No wonder you never called me again. You know what? You're a real sleaze bucket!
(She storms off.)
Sam: (looking to the crowd, shrugs) Mistaken identity. A lot of women think they've dated me. I believe psychologists call it "wishful thinking."
(Suddenly Lorelai storms back to the group and points her finger at Sam.)
Lorelai: And, Sam Malone, let me just say… I feel sorry for Diane!
(She turns on her heel and storms off again.)
(The crowd stands there staring at Sam and Diane, agape. Diane looks like she wants nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die.)
SETTING: CHEERS
(Sam and Diane are back at the empty bar. Diane is diligently nursing a cognac.)
Diane: (completely demoralized) That was, without a doubt, the single most humiliating night of my entire life.
Sam: Oh ,come on… you think that was worse than the time you did your Cornish game hen impression on TV? Or the time -
Diane: (cutting him off) All right, I get it! (sighs) Serves me right. Going there and thinking I could lie and deceive my way into being someone I'm not, someone I wanted to be, someone I never will be… I just need to face it. I'm a complete failure.
Sam: Don't say that.
Diane: It's true. I wanted to be published, I'm not. I wanted to be married, I'm not. I'm not even in a relationship. I work in a bar and I'm not even good at that. I have nothing and no one. I'm a complete joke.
(She buries her head in her hands and starts crying. Sam gets supremely uncomfortable.)
Sam: Ugh, Diane, you know I hate it when you cry. Please, please, don't cry.
Diane: I'm going to cry, Sam. I'm going to cry long and hard and I'm going to have a disgustingly runny nose, and if you can't handle it, just leave.
Sam: I can't leave you like this! You seem all squirrelly. Like you might do something you can never take back.
Diane: I assure you I won't kill myself.
Sam: I was just thinking you might warp my wood with your snot there.
(Diane wails harder.)
Sam: (pulling her up by the shoulders) Ah, come on, sweetheart. Who were those snooty snobs anyway? What's so great about their lives?
Diane: Are you kidding? They're married, they have children, they have careers… Millie is an astronaut!
Sam: Oh ,big deal. Up there eating freeze-dried packets of spaghetti… wearing a diaper.
Diane: Sam, please, I know you're trying to help, but just leave me alone.
Sam: Look, Diane ... you have something all those women don't.
(She peers at him through her tear-stained fingers and her sniffles calm slightly. This better be good...)
Diane: What?
Sam: (puffing out his chest) Me!
Diane: (snapping) Oh, here we go again. Sam, what on EARTH are you talking about? We're not even in a relationship.
Sam: But we WERE. We were for a whole year –- and didn't we have some of the best sex two people have ever had?
(Diane calms slightly)
Diane: I suppose so, but what's that got to do with anything?
Sam: You think those snooty suburban soccer mommies have that? Come on! I bet they don't even sleep with their husbands anymore, if they ever slept with them much to begin with. I bet, if they could change places with you for a night, even an hour, and have sex with me, they would.
Diane: (almost smiling) Sam Malone, you're the most arrogant human being on the planet … but it pains me to say you might be right.
Sam: (patting her lightly on the shoulder) Well, it's something anyway, isn't it? How many people get to experience that kind of passion in their lifetimes?
Diane: (somewhat impressed) Sam… that's quite profound. (convincing herself ) Yes, I suppose, I don't have the husband, the family, the career, but perhaps after all I got a taste of something even more important, something most people will never sample…
Sam: You're not talking about me, are you? Because –
Diane: Yes, I KNOW, Sam. Half of Boston has sampled you. Don't remind me.
Sam: Hey, just the good half.
(He grins; she glares.)
My point is that we had something pretty special, and maybe that's as good as it's ever going to be, but that's not so bad is it?
Diane: I don't know… I mean, we don't have it anymore.
Sam: Diane, say the word, I'm here to taste and sample.
Diane: Ha. Of course you are. One thing I can always count on … Sam Malone wants to sleep with me.
(Her mood improves slightly and she wipes her tears and manages to shoot him an amused look. In his usual fashion, he takes this as a green light, and begins running his hand down her arm.)
Sam: Come on… I think you owe it to yourself… really stick it to those broads. While they're all off peacefully slumbering next to their snoring, bored, balding, and uninterested husbands, you'll be getting a tour through paradise, with Sammy as your personal guide… (he raises his eyebrows and moves his face within inches of hers) Whaddya say?
Diane: (almost giving in) Maybe… but they won't know about it.
Sam: We can send them pictures!
(She hits him playfully on the arm.)
Diane: Sam Malone, you're incorrigible, but you do make me laugh.
Sam: As I recall, I can make do you quite a few other things… (now he's really emboldened, and pulls her face to his and kisses her on the lips) Come on, come with me…
Diane: (She stands, giving in to his seduction.) Oh, what the hell. My life is devoid of any deeper meaning. I might as well partake of a little base pleasure.
Sam: Why are we talking about music?
Diane: Sam, I'm saying you're right. For once, maybe you're right. Maybe all I do have in life at this juncture is our sexual connection. And if that's the case, why am I denying myself it?
Sam: (happily shocked) Are you serious? That speech worked?
Diane: Yes, but let's do this fast, before I change my mind.
Sam: (pulling her) Right, let's get back to my place before I manage to say something that ticks you off.
Diane: (sarcastically) Oh, did you move next door?
(Sam kisses her fingers and begins leading her away… She suddenly pulls back.)
Diane: Oh, but Sam…
Sam: Oh no. Now what? What, what, what?
Sam: I just want to say one thing. Will you do me a favor?
Sam: (trying to get her back on track) Anything, anything…
Diane: Will you… well, will you pretend like you're the person at the reunion?
Sam: That I'm a doctor?
Diane: No, that… that you're my fella. And maybe that – you love me. Just for one night.
Sam: (all serious) Can't do that, Diane.
Diane: (hurt) No? Why not?
Sam: (making direct eye contact) Because I've decided to stop lying for the night. And PRETENDING I love you would be a huge lie.
(Diane nearly melts into a puddle on the floor.)
Sam: Oh, Sam, you're so sweet sometimes.
(They hold hands and continue up the stairs and out the door. We can hear them on the steps.)
Diane: Well, how about the doctor thing then?
Sam: Don't you worry –( slaps her on the butt) I'm going to give you a complete examination.