To Beam or not To Beam - That - is the question
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"Jesus Ianto, steady on, mate; you nearly got me mug that time! And what the hell is that stench anyway – it's disgusting!"
With Owen still angling away from him; a carefully sited palm now protecting the medic's second coffee of the day, Ianto straightened to examine the small-print of his furniture polish. "It's a special edition," he revealed, already aware of that much. Studying the tin, he confirmed "Yep, that's it – spiced apple and cinnamon; I knew it was something like that."
"Well it smells like toilet cleaner." Owen gave a dismissive flick of his free hand, suggesting that the Hub's handyman should be on his way. "How's about you stop spraying the bloody stuff over me and go do some filing instead?"
"Pfffffft"
Another burst of festive wax found its way onto the doctor's desk. Gwen's gap appeared as she started to laugh, and Tosh snorted inelegantly into her mug.
Owen snarked a sneer at the pair of them and tried his best to avoid Ianto, who'd begun to rub at selective spots with a duster.
"Ianto, love?" Gwen waited for the young man to look up. "It's a Tuesday …" she pointed out, explaining, "You never polish on a Tuesday - is everything alright?" As her head tipped to one side, it was hard to tell whether the situation had left her feeling concerned or merely confused.
"He's pining, Gwen; I would've thought that much was obvious." Owen laughed. "Exactly how long are we talking here, Ianto?" he asked, looking to one side, "Four days, so far, without him - and four to go?"
"Pfffffft pfffffft!"
Two shots of polish found their way into a carelessly unattended mug, and Ianto walked away, head held high.
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"Now what's he doing?"
Owen had thought to lower his voice to a mumble; eager not to upset the Welshman while he was still armed and dangerous. "Looks like he's carrying something heavy - Gwen, can you see what he's up to from where you are?" he asked quietly.
Mouth pinching into a tight 'o' and leaning sideways on her chair, Gwen watched curiously as Ianto stepped up onto the first of many metal steps.
"Yeah, you're right, he's got a box in his arms and he's going up to Jack's offi …... no, hold on," she whispered quickly, "He's stopped on the bottom step and …. Oh God …. Owen! It's the box of decorations. He's winding tinsel around the handrail."
Her big eyes grew even bigger. "I think maybe you should have a word with the poor love," she decided looking back at the doctor. "He's obviously missing Jack a lot more than we realised, I mean, it's only November. I can't be doing with decorations going up in bloody November …"
Impressed with how subdued Gwen had managed to keep her rant, the medic fell back, arms folding in time with his fierce pout as it appeared. "Why do I always get volunteered for these bloody situations?" he hissed back before indicating with a nod to the woman further along; the same woman that, apparently, was pretending to be absorbed by the screen in front of her. "Tosh, Ianto's your friend - you need to have a word with him." he ordered.
"Maybe he's got a perfectly plausible reason for putting them up so early." she protested on Ianto's behalf, making a deliberate effort to keep her voice down also.
Lifting a finger into the air, silencing the tech, "Sorry, Tosh, just …. listen …. what's that strange noise?" Gwen asked, cocking an ear and hinting that her colleagues might like to do the same.
"It's Ianto ….." Tosh realised with a whisper.
"Is he ill?" Owen was looking suddenly joyous as he peered round the edge of his terminal, "The bastard ruined my latte; I do hope he's in a severe amount of pain."
"He's humming." Tosh scolded with a hiss. "Owen, you can be so nasty to him sometimes."
"So what's he humming?" he grumped at her, back to pouting again. "We wish you a sodding merry Christmas?"
The tech listened some more before deciding. "All I want for Christmas is you …"
Owen didn't miss a beat. "Well, you're not 'avin' me, Tosh - sorry."
Features pinching and eyes narrowing, totally unimpressed with the comment, "No, you idiot, that's the name of the song he's humming." she told him.
"Oh, God help us; he's spraying fake snow in the corners of the steps." Gwen looked over, horrified, at Owen. "As his doctor, you need to be dealing with this – I reckon he's picked up some kind of bloody alien infection or something ….."
Owen's peeved brows met in the middle and stayed there. "So what infection would that be then, Gwen? The dreaded inter-galactic 'I think I'll start Christmas early this year', alien bug? Or the fifty first century 'I'm missing my part-time shag, so I need to take my mind off the fact by putting up a few Christmas decorations', alien bug?"
Gwen poked her tongue out.
Sat next to her, paying very little attention to the latest spat going on between Gwen and their doctor, "Oh ….. that's rather sweet." Tosh sighed, a smile forming as she gazed upward, still listening to her best friend humming away. "I've always loved Silent Night."
"Oh great, you do realise this means we're gonna get the whole repertoire. Next up is Deck the Halls, then Frosty the sodding Snowman ….." Still mumbling away to himself, Owen fell back in his seat again. "I bet you any money he finishes with Ding Dong Merrily on bloody High."
He actually managed to endure another five minutes of the happy humming before finally deciding it might be safe to chance his luck. "Would it be possible, if you're not too busy of course, for me to get another coffee, Ianto? Tinsel looks nice by the way – very, er, Christmassy."
Fifteen minutes later, he was duly presented with another mug of steaming coffee.
"Ah, cheers, mate, just what the doctor ordered – you're a diamond!"
Ianto raised one brow, produced a can from behind his back, squirted a generous helping of polish into Owen's mug, then walked off humming Ding Dong Merrily on High.
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Two hours had passed. The metal steps and the gantry up above, were now adorned with various items that glistened or glittered seasonally. The window of Jack's office had a string of fairy lights flashing around all four of its edges. Myfanwy's aerie had been sprayed with fake snow and, for the entirety of all one hundred and twenty minutes ….. … Ianto hadn't stopped beaming.
"Where did he say he was going?" Gwen thought to ask, watching the cog roll back into place.
"He's nipping up to wait for the lunch delivery." Tosh informed her. "I think he said it's Chinese."
Owen looked over from his arcade game. "Could be worse – I was half expecting it to be turkey and Christmas pudding." he grumbled, cursing loudly as he turned back to find he'd just been annihilated. "Bollocks! I'm dead. Even that was his fault!" he scowled before walking off in disgust.
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"It's ready!"
Ianto's call sounded through the glass of the boardroom walls and three hungry co-workers made short work of taking their seats.
"You not eatin' any, Ianto?" As he headed out the door, Owen couldn't resist throwing another taunt at their Christmas elf. "Or are you missing Jack so much, you've lost your appetite?" he grinned.
"I forgot my chopsticks." He was told solemnly, then after offering the two women his friendliest beam yet, Ianto wandered away to find his kitchen area.
Tosh frowned across the table. "Owen, stop teasing him. His relationship with Jack is none of our business; I think we should just be happy that he seems happy for a change."
"She's right, Owen." Gwen forked some noodles onto her plate. "It makes a change to see Ianto so relaxed like this, and, personally, I quite like the carol humming."
"Exactly!" Tosh nodded heavily then reached over for the tub of rice, spooning some onto her plate.
"Well I think it's just weird, him looking all happy like this, and oh, hold up, he's on his way back …." Praying he hadn't been rumbled, as Ianto entered the room, Owen looked up from his already generously laden plate, fake smile plastered in place.
Chopsticks in one hand, the Welshman walked calmly over. Stopping behind Owen he smiled at the two women on the other side of the table then smacked his right palm onto the middle of the medic's forehead. "Merry Christmas, Owen. Enjoy your lunch."
Owen sat there looking suitably shocked; the decorative gift adornment of a bow adhering festively just above his brows.
Gwen and Tosh stared for a long moment, stunned, then they were howling with laughter, giving Ianto a round of applause as he sought out the sanctuary of Jack's chair up the far end.
Still silent, and apparently at a loss over how to save face, Owen hid his humiliation by looking down at his plate. With an added sprinkling of fairy dust, the red bow fell into his Singapore noodles.
"Oh, great."
He began to pick aimlessly through the mound, trying to find at least a couple of strands that didn't now have a coating of glitter on them. "I suppose you think that's funny." He aimed at the Welshman to his right.
Ianto beamed briefly at him, then reached forward to retrieve the dish of beef in oyster sauce.
Helping himself to a crispy cracker, it occurred to Owen that it wasn't the only thing feeling like a prawn right now.
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"Mmmm; that filled a gap." Gwen stretched out on her chair. "I'll give you a hand to clear the table, Ianto."
"Don't worry," he smiled at her, "I'm going to make the coffee now anyway, and if I stack the dishes and plates properly I should be able to get them all on one tray."
Owen watched cautiously as leftovers and crockery alike, were dealt with impeccably. It was only as Ianto began to head carefully for the doorway that he finally caved.
Satisfied that the Welshman had his hands full, "I'll have mine without furniture polish this time, Ianto." he sarked, before sending the two women a smug grin.
Turning back, Ianto used the inside of his right arm to keep the stack of plates steady. "Of course, Owen; could I interest you in a chocolate digestive or two, as well?"
Bottom jaw hinged permanently open, the doctor slid his gaze across the table, then back to the doorway. "Yeah, okay, go on then." he accepted with a notable lack of 'please' or 'thank you'.
As Ianto walked away humming Frosty the Snowman, Owen leaned forward on his elbows. "There's something very wrong with him," he hushed across the table. "He's normally as miserable as fuck whenever Jack goes away, especially if it's for more than one day. I wonder what's going ….."
All heads lifted as the proximity alarm sounded.
"Hey kids! D'ya miss …. Oh. ... HEY! WHERE IS EVERYBODY?"
From a distance, Ianto looked back over his shoulder. "I take it that answers all your questions, Owen?"
As their archivist shot off; over-balancing plates wobbling noisily, Owen recovered enough to lose the goldfish impression. "I swear that man has super-hero hearing. I was whispering for God's sake!"
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"So, Jack; you're back early then."
As Ianto busied himself with his coffeemaker, and the girls sat themselves down at their terminals, Owen stood there arms folded, nodding intelligently at his boss.
"Can't get much past you, can I Owen?" Jack joked, his best crooked grin coming into play. "So - anything interesting happen while I was gone? Anything important I should know about? No alien invasions worthy of note in Cardiff? And what's the latest Torchwood gossip; any office romances I need to catch up with or add a little of my romancing expertise to?"
"I think there's definitely one person, right now, that might appreciate a little romancing."
"Owen!" Tosh reached sideways on her chair and took a well-aimed swipe at the medic, who complained noisily.
"Okaaaaay ..." Naturally, Jack was very interested. "Who needs romancing?"
"Coffee, Sir?" Stepping alongside, Ianto glowered at his arch-enemy, then smiled as Jack turned to retrieve his favourite blue and white striped effort.
"Thanks, Ianto. God, I've missed your coffee." He sighed taking a sip.
"How were things by the time you left?" Ianto asked him. "Had the stomach bug managed to affect everyone at the conference?"
"Apart from yours truly." Jack nodded, sipping and closing his eyes as the full on flavour of Ianto's special brew hit him all over again.
"Stomach bug?" Gwen frowned, recalling how much Chinese she'd just eaten. "There's no chance you could've brought it back with you, is there, Jack?"
Tosh looked up. "Actually, I wouldn't mind - I haven't, you know, 'been', for quite a few days." she said quietly, almost to herself. "I'd be glad of a little help right now."
"Waaaaay too much information, Miss Sato, though, obviously, I'm regular as clockwork myself." Owen's familiar wide grin was once more in place. "Every morning, seven o'clock on the dot, you'll find this perfect specimen taking a dump." He gloated, accepting his mug of coffee. Warily sniffing the contents, he paused before looking up to add "The small fact that I'm never out of bed before eight, is neither here nor there."
Rolling his eyes, Ianto took Jack's mug from him and nursed it until the Captain had finished choking as he laughed.
"You really are the most disgusting man I've ever met." Gwen told Owen who was chuckling happily at the combination of reactions he'd drawn. "Still, if you're ever early for work, at least we'll know it's because you really have shit the bed!" she grinned, finally acknowledging the joke.
"If wit was shit, you'd be constipated." Ianto informed the medic, holding a sighing Jack's mug back out for him to take. His posture stiffened as the mug was ignored and an arm slipped about his waist instead.
"Hub looks nice ….. I take it this is all your doing, Ianto." Jack guessed, using his free hand to finally retrieve his drink and take a quick sip.
"He was at it all bloody morning." Owen grumbled.
Mouth pitching open as he gazed first upward, and then all around - pausing as he took a longer look at the lights flickering away in his office window - Jack nodded his sympathies. "Christmas songs been driving you crazy by any chance?" he guessed, before grinning and winking at Ianto, who looked down, embarrassed.
"We've had a lovely day, thanks to Ianto …." Tosh jumped in, before anyone else could comment.
"Well you've done a great job, Ianto, the place looks brilliant, even if it is a little early." Jack gushed, pursing a noisy kiss onto one cheek.
Watching Ianto's lids fall in despair, "Oh, for my sake if nothing else, get a room." Owen sighed.
"Hey!" Jack snapped a harsh look at the doctor. "Button it Bones! This whole place just happens to be 'my' room, and I'll kiss who I damn well want in it, okay?"
"Okay, okay, keep your fur on …." Owen stepped around the two men, finding a home for his empty mug on the tray. "So, if I'm now McCoy, are we to assume that you're calling yourself Captain bloody Kirk?"
"I can think of worse Captain's to be." Jack grinned, suddenly back to his old self.
"Fair enough." Owen turned his attention to Ianto. "And going by the ears, I'm guessing tea-boy must be Spock, then."
"Oi …." Self-consciously fingering the tip of his left ear, Ianto's head shot sideways to give the medic an unimpressed stare.
"Actually, Tosh is our Science Officer, so she should be Spock." Jack decided.
"Okay, so Ianto will have to be Scotty, then …" Owen concluded. "After all, he does always get us where we need to be on time."
"Oooh," Jack hitched himself in closer. "Beam me up, Scotty."
Ianto's eyeballs started off on the left, and finished up on the right. "I don't beam, Jack, I buttle, remember?"
"I want to be the little blonde one, you know, the kick ass one!" Gwen grinned, pulling a karate move where she sat.
Ianto heaved a sigh. "Gwen, you can't be Tasha Yar, she's Generation crew; that just wouldn't work."
"Hey, if you don't wanna be Scotty, you could be Riker – he's kinda handsome …." Jack smiled, winking at Ianto, who blushed.
"Oi, if I can't be the sassy blonde, then Ianto can't be Riker!" Gwen sulked.
"Well, there's nothing else for it then, Ianto - you're gonna have to be Scotty." Owen decreed. "And if we've all finished being anal about sodding Star Trek, I'm voting we shoot down the pub for a pint. Anyone else fancy getting away from this bloody mad house?" he begged.
"How we doing, Tosh?"
Jack finally relinquished his hold on Ianto, who failed to conceal his immense sense of relief - yes, he'd been genuinely overjoyed when he'd realised Jack was coming back early – but that still didn't change the fact that shy archivist's and public displays of affection, just didn't mix.
Tosh hit a few buttons then grabbed her handbag from beneath the desk. "If you set all alerts to go straight through to your manipulator, we should be fine, Jack." She smiled, trotting off to catch up with Owen and Gwen.
As the chattering grew further away, Jack smiled at Ianto. Finally they had a moment to themselves. "You were missing me then." he assumed as they turned to follow the others.
"Was busy trying to take my mind off the fact when I received your text message." Ianto admitted, pausing to look around at his show of seasonal handy-work.
Lips pursing as he smiled almost lovingly at his young aide, "Merry Christmas, Ianto ….." Jack whispered, before leaning in for a lingering peck.
"Jack, it's not Christmas yet."a coy looking Ianto felt obliged to point out, though he didn't seem overly displeased with the show of affection now that they were alone.
"This is Torchwood." He was told definitively. "It can be Christmas any time we want."
Ianto began to laugh; Jack did have a point. "Just as well really." He admitted, checking out the evidence.
Jack followed the Welsh gaze. "Oooh; looks like it decided to snow while I was gone." he laughed, staring up at a certain pteranodon's nest. "If the weather's gonna be this bad, Ianto, you'd better beam us down to the pub."
A cheeky smile forming as he watched his boss approach the cog, Ianto made an effort to catch up. "I'm givin' it all she's got, Cap'n." he joked, following Jack through to the other side.
"Hey; neat Scottish accent." Jack laughed over his shoulder.
"You think that's good; you should hear my Klingon." Ianto told him coming alongside.
"Whoa, what was that? Something about clinging on, was it? Hey - count me in!" was bellowed in typical Harkness fashion.
"Yep ….. he's definitely back …" a soft Welsh voice sighed to itself as the wheel slotted back into place.
And just moments later, as it joined the familiar hum of technology and the quiet trickle of water, the sound of muffled laughter announced that, even if Christmas had come a little early, all was back to normal beneath the Plas.
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Merry Christmas everyone – and here's hoping for a peaceful 2016.
Cheers ….. bwb.