thoughts: Er.
prompt: 52_flavours no.52 — But a life built on memories is not much of a life.
disclaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail or "Safe and Sound" by Taylor Swift.
warning: major plot confusion, some ooc, & abuse of horizontal lines.
our faded stars
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don't you dare look out your window
darlin' everything's on fire
Name: Natsu Dragneel
Institution: Magnolia Memorial Hospital
July 6, X791, 12:52PM
Erza thinks it'd be a good idea for me to write a log.
I would disagree, but she's my boss, and so I don't exactly have that luxury. All I have to do is watch this patient and take notes about what happens. Che, too bad she confiscated my DS AND my phone; or I wouldn't be so bored right now. Alright, I better get the formalities down before she throws a fit.
Patient Information:
Birth Date: July 1, X767
Sex: Female
Blood Type: AB
Hair Color: Blonde
Eye Color: Brown
Name: Lucy Heartfilia
Well, looks like I won't have much to write about — she's been in a coma for 7 years now.
July 7, X791, 4:14PM
The patient opened her eyes today.
Though, she didn't respond to anyone—not even to her parents who were overjoyed at this miracle. She was sitting up for the first time in years, but her eyes were blank and distant. It felt like I was watching a doll come to life — Is she really there?
At least she's alive.
July 8, X791, 1:12PM
I informed her of the state she's been in for the past 7 years.
I expected her to be surprised, or at least have some sort of reaction. She just lied there, staring at the cracks on the ceiling with empty eyes.
I wonder if she heard me.
July 10, X791, 11:32AM
She finally noticed me—or if she had noticed me in these past several days, she chose now to actually look at me.
She stared at me for the longest time with an unreadable face. (Maybe she thought my hair color was weird?) But soon after, she took on an expression of absolute horror, and it took me a few seconds to realize that she was crying. Then the screaming followed, and the nurses came in to shoo me away.
I'm sitting in the stall of a bathroom as I'm writing this, and I can still hear her echoing screams.
I've never been more terrified in my life.
—3:04AM
I can't sleep.
Still hearing her screams ringing in my ears.
July 17, X791, 3:31PM
It's the first time I'm seeing her in a week. They wouldn't let me go in 'cause they didn't want me to cause another attack. (It wasn't even my fault—was it?) I'm only allowed to continue seeing her because Erza pulled some strings—that scary woman.
I expected her to lash out at me again, but when I took my usual place beside her bed, she just lied there, blank.
I wonder what she's thinking about.
July 19, X791, 2:42PM
She talked for the first time. (At least I might have something to write about now.)
"What's your name?"
And for a moment, I thought she might be talking to herself, but I looked up and those hollow brown eyes were completely focused on me.
"Natsu Dragneel."
I could tell that something about hearing my name made her uncomfortable. But she smiled and drew shapes on the window with her finger, whispering,
"You were always there."
—2:11AM
I'm still trying to figure out what she meant by that.
It's already 2 in the morning and I should really sleep, but I can't.
July 21, X791, 1:43PM
There are always dark circles under her tired eyes. The nurses tell me they rarely see her sleeping.
"You should sleep more."
It was just a friendly suggestion.
She stopped coloring the picture that she drew and looked at me. I couldn't look away from those sad brown eyes if I wanted to.
"I don't want to dream anymore," is all she said. Then she picked up a pink crayon and colored the spiky hair on one of her stick figures.
"Why not?"
"Waking up is too painful." She smoothed out the paper, holding it up for me to see.
She had drawn a large, colorful building behind a group of weird-looking stick figures holding hands. When I asked her what it was, she laughed as if I had said something stupid and answered, "Fairy Tail."
There was a part of the drawing that bothered me — a blonde stick girl holding hands with a stick boy. Why did it have my hair?
July 22, X791, 12:20PM
I asked Lucy (it feels weird calling her that) what Fairy Tail is, and with a distant look in her eyes, she told me.
Her stories were of magic and adventures and friendship — there's even a guy who can breathe fire. (Crazy, right?) The whole time she talked about 'Fairy Tail,' I saw in her a happiness that I thought I'd never see.
She told me about how she first met her best friend (who has the same name as me, for some reason) and a flying blue cat (what!?) named Happy; how they burned down a whole town; how he took her to the guild and thus began her own adventures. It felt like story time in kindergarten all over again.
Must have been one hell of a dream she had.
July 24, X791, 3:45PM
Today, Lucy told me about the time they went to Edolas—a sort of parallel word, I guess.
She asked me if this was something like that, except that here we have no magic.
I answered her honestly — that I really didn't know what she was goin' on about.
She didn't feel like talking much afterward.
July 27, X791, 9:09PM
As I was leaving the hospital, I check up on her, just to make sure she would get some sleep.
The door was opened slightly when I got there. She was pointing a key at nothing but air, muttering to herself. (Where did she get that key?)
I heard her say several things that sounded like 'Loke' and 'Taurus' and 'Plue,' but nothing happened. And after a few moments, she started sobbing loudly.
I couldn't watch anymore.
July 29, X791, 2:01PM
She finally continued her story, and I admit—I was eager to hear more.
They went to Tenrou Island where they were to take the S-Class Promotion Exam. Her expression turned dark as she mentioned the dark guild, Grimoire Heart, and the appearance of Acnologia, the black dragon. She explained that one minute, she was holding hands with her guild mates, awaiting their impending doom, and when she next opened her eyes, she was here in this hospital.
I asked her if that was a huge relief, to not get blown to bits by a humongous dragon. I thought it would make her smile at least.
With downcast eyes, she replied that it was the worst thing to ever happen to her; and that she couldn't die with her friends but rather awaken in a world where they didn't even exist.
Then I realized — to her, this reality is a nightmare.
July 31, X971, 12:22PM
Lucy watched as I wrote up reports for Erza.
She suddenly got out of bed, wobbling a bit. I looked up to see what had gotten into her, but she only stared at me with eyes full of grief—and, was that a hint of nostalgia in there as well? So I got up to help her balance, and she grabbed my shirt, looking up with hopeful eyes.
"Can—Can I hug you?" I guess the face I made looked like a 'no,' so she pressed on, whispering, "Please. Just this once."
I felt so much from that one hug — all of her warmth, her sorrow, her confusion, and so much affection from that simple gesture. She had never seemed so small before, crying loudly against my shirt, and I admit—that felt pretty uncomfortable, but I didn't loosen my grip on her. She said my name several times, but I knew—she wasn't talking to me.
And in that moment, I wished I could be her Natsu.
August 2, X791, 1:46PM
She told me Gray and Erza and a lot of other staff were all in her world as well.
They didn't think much about it, assuming it was her dream. Gray told me I was losin' it, being stuck with her all the time. He doesn't get it. He doesn't know Lucy like I do.
But I wonder — how did she know their names?
August 3, X791, 3:53PM
Lucy was convinced that her world—that Fairy Tail exists.
And I really didn't know what to say to her. I just watched as she frowned and drew a symbol on the back of her right hand with a pink marker. The feeling that came with seeing her so at peace as she held that hand to her heart, left a bitter taste in my mouth. Because I knew that when the ink washes off (like it inevitably will), she'll be sad again.
Then she ordered me to take off my jacket and proceeded to draw an identical mark on my right shoulder, this time with a red marker. I didn't know what it was supposed to mean, but the smile on her face was enough for me.
August 5, X791, 4:01PM
She didn't pay much attention to anything except for what was outside the window today.
It was raining, but it wasn't cold. I felt a little guilty for being around so much — Maybe I remind her too much of... everything. I didn't know how long she was going to stay here in the hospital; maybe she wasn't ready to leave. Her mother visited often (her father rarely came), and she always brightened up so much when she did. Oh, that's right — I forgot that Layla Heartfilia was dead in her world.
"Don't you want to go home?"
She didn't even look at me and said, "More than anything."
"Why don't you? You can live with your mom."
Only then did she finally turn around. "That's not home."
August 7, X791, 1:18PM
It's been exactly one month since Lucy woke up.
She finally finished whatever it was that she was knitting — I thought she was bored, so I brought her a bunch of stuff she might be interested in. It turned out to be a white scarf with a tiled pattern of black lines. She gave it to me, putting it around my neck. I let her do it because, honestly, I kind of liked it.
"You look so much like him," and she offered a bitter smile. It felt weird — the fact that she was talking about me, but then again not.
Then she studied one of the knitting needles and wondered, "Do you think—If I died, would I wake up from this dream?"
I tried to choose my words carefully. I was never one for comforting others. "I think you'd just die. Honestly, I'm happy to even be alive."
"But a life built on memories is not much of a life."
I really didn't like the sound of that. She laughed at my expression — I must have made some absurd face if she thought it was that funny — and twirled the needle with her fingers.
"I'm kidding, Natsu."
It didn't feel like a joke.
August 10, X791, 12:22PM
I don't think she ever got over what happened.
I can't imagine what she's going through — waking up and being told that everything and everyone I know, all my friends, this entire world didn't even exist; and that it was all in my head.
But she had stopped crying—well, in front of me, anyway. I could always tell that she's trying to hold herself together.
"Why do you force yourself to smile, Lucy?"
She looked up from the book she was reading—Alice's Adventures in Wonderland—and said softly, "I'm not forcing myself."
"You are—right now. You're forcing yourself."
Her seemingly serene smile faltered—most likely because of how serious I looked.
Then she answered honestly, "Because if I stop now, I don't think I'd ever be able to smile again."
She looked so lost and helpless. And without saying anything, I put (what I hoped was) a reassuring hand on her head, although I don't think I'm capable of being the 'shoulder to lean on.'
She cried then, still smiling.
August 12, X791, 10:57AM
She wasn't in her room when I came this morning.
I don't know why, but I assumed she might be somewhere idiotic and dangerous. And as I figured, she was on the roof, sitting a little too close to the edge. She stood and turned when she heard me call her name.
"Lucy, what the hell are you doing out here?"
"Hi, Natsu." She looked... peaceful. A little too peaceful. "I'm sorry that I never told you how I felt about you—about us."
I got the sense that she wasn't talking to me anymore.
"It's okay. Just come back over here."
She took a step back.
"You somehow always manage to catch me, don't you?"
"Lucy, please, just—"
"Will you catch me again? In our world?"
"Lucy—"
Then she stepped off the ledge and flew.
—12:04PM
I don't know what to do. I didn't catch her. I couldn't move. She's gone. I didn't save her. I was right there, but I didn't do anything. I don't know what to do.
August 13, X791, 10:20AM
This will be the last log I write.
I don't know why, but I went back to her room anyway, knowing that she wouldn't be there when I opened the door.
I dreamed last night—about magic and Lucy and breathing fire. She was there and smiling and laughing, shining brighter than ever. I didn't ever want this wonderful world to end, to be cast aside as a fleeting dream.
Lucy was right — Waking up is the most painful part.
the war outside our door keeps raging on
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