Hi everyone!! I finally finished RB 17. I wanted to work on Lulu's personality a little, so this one is Lulu centered. I discovered one thing while writing this fic, and that is that it is very difficult to write a humor fic without Rikku, Wakka, or Tidus. You have no idea how many times I had to start this whole fic over! I probably could have had better luck including Kimahri...oh, well. If I pulled this one off, I can probably write comedy about even the most emo characters!
Just a quick note: I will be working on a FF12 version of Random Bits for the next few weeks. If anyone out there is extremely familiar with any jokes or quirks (like how the entire cast consistently mispronounced Marquis) about the game, please contact me. I haven't played the game since it came out, nor have I had the time to play it again like I planned to.
I will return with RB18 once the FF12 version is complete, so don't go anywhere!
Title: Random Bits 17
Setting: Several priests have pulled together and organized Spira's First Annual Summoners' Convention.
Mushroom Rock Road - Precipice - The Summoners' Convention is in full swing and everyone from the High Summoner to Summoner wannabe's are there! In all the confusion, Lulu has lost someone.
Lulu plowed through the crowds. Perhaps 'plowed' was too strong a word. The Black Mage tended to unconsciously generate a field around herself that prevented anything from impinging on her five feet of personal space. It was that or the look of terminal, concentrated annoyance on her face (which had once sent an Iron Giant running). People leaped, dove, and scrambled out of the way at her approach. For some poor, unlucky person, things were about to go fruit-shaped and they were glad it wasn't one of them.
The First Annual Summoners Convention had not only brought Summoners together, but created a new breed of fan. After Sin's defeat, Yuna and the other heroes of the war had become very popular. Everyone had their favorite hero and these people had flocked to the convention dressed as their favorite Summoner, Guardian, Aeon, and even villain. The ecstatic masses of doppelgangers were now gathered at the Precipice to see who had the best costume, attitude, and look of their chosen hero.
Lulu was supposed to have been keeping an eye on Tidus while Yuna gave lessons on Summoning Techniques, Strategy, Getting Yojimbo to work for Cheap, and What To Do If Your Aeon Hates One Of Your Guardians. Summoner Loyalty was running high, what with all the Summoners and Guardians around. Tidus had already started a fight with a rival Guardianship earlier. Thankfully, Kimahri had been nearby to intervene. The Ronso had waded into the whirling blur of limbs and plucked the screaming Tidus out before he had been beaten too severely by the small but mighty hands of Pacce. The fight had quickly broken up. When a Ronso breaks up a fight, it tends to stay broken.
The older girl had lost the boy somewhere between leaving Yuna's booth and the 'This Year's New Moogle' display. She had thought finding him would be easy, but with all the Tidus fans around, things were proving difficult. There had already been several mishaps that had resulted in skin tingling embarrassment. The red-eyed Mage was more than just irritated. She had gone beyond mere irritation and come out the other side to an ocean of indifferent calm…with an underground volcano ready to erupt beneath it.
The whole horrible scene replayed itself in Lulu's Mental Theatre. The floor was sticky and there was no popcorn…
…Lulu had spotted Tidus standing on the outskirts of one of the many small groups gathered around the many attractions. She had stormed over, spun the boy around and proceeded to give him a good lecturing. She got as far as, "What do you think you're doing? You are-!" before she realized that it wasn't Tidus. What she was scolding was one of the many cosplayers. To make matters worse, the 'boy' was actually thirty-something and, having come face to face with the real Lulu, looked like he had never wanted his mother more now than in his entire life.
Lulu and the unfortunate man stared at each other for a moment in a mix of stomach knotting dread, embarrassment, and in the man's case, bladder squeezing terror. The Black Mage had done the only thing she could think of doing at the time…pretend it hadn't happened. So, the man had stood frozen in knee-knocking horror as Lulu reached out, adjusted his wig, straightened his collar, brushed some invisible lint from his shoulder, then swept away with the air of one whose job was done.
And here she was, several minutes, eight cases of mistaken identity, and two run-ins with Authorities later, sidling past a couple of cosplayers dressed as Shiva and a rather portly Anima engaged in a battle, and walked right into Lulu Town. So far she hadn't seen any doppelgangers of herself, not that it bothered her. Apparently this was because they had all gathered by the Occult Jewelry and Make-Up booth to practice being temperamental, unapproachable, and emo. She turned slowly, incase the fanatics used sight-based hunting techniques and found herself face to face with another group of Lulus. They recognized her instantly.
The SumCon was turning out to be a dangerous place for famous people. It was a treacherous expanse of barren rock with only sparse cover, through which obsessed fans and loonies stalked their prey. Celebrity-specific fans traveled in splinter packs (because it made finding other like-minded fans and cornering their Celebrity easier). The pack was usually led by the craziest fan, or the one with the most elaborate costume. The splinters combed the area, battling the fan packs of inferior celebrities with costume and mannerism displays, disdainful sneers, and the good old fashioned Hostile Glare.
Once their prey had been spotted, the sub pack sent out the hunting call, usually something along the lines of, ' It's him/her!!', 'There he/she is!', and the ever popular squeal of glee. Splinter packs would race to the spot, surround the victim, and proceed with the attack. The victim would have to be worn down with autograph signing first, so they would stand docilely for Spheres and Flats (the latest in memory recording technology).
By the time Lulu heard the hunting call of 'OMY! It's her!!', it was too late to run. The poor woman was surrounded by a large number of people made up to look like her. There were Lulus of every shape, size, and in some case, gender. She had never wanted to see so many plunging neck lines in her life and was seriously worried about some of the bodies, which seemed several size too large for the costumes. Their leader was neither crazy, nor the best dressed. She has attained leadership by the simple dint of being a Ronso. Of course, no one challenged her for the position. When you can rip someone's arm off and beat them senseless with it, you tend to have things your own way.
Lulu stepped back and almost trod on the pack's smallest member. With a surprised squeak, a female Cactuar (distinguishable from the males by the little flowers on their heads) scooted out of the way. Despite the succulent's largely immobile features, she never the less managed to convey a sense of irritation as she brushed off her little black dress. Lulu smiled politely as the Ronso shoved a piece of paper at her and asked "You sign now?" in a tone of voice more normally used for demands.
As a professional Guardian, Lulu had been rigorously trained in being polite, charming, and well-mannered while in the public eye. Guardians were the reflection of their Summoner and had to learn how to smile and be gracious to the rudest people in some of the worst situations imaginable. Thus she found herself smiling and signing every scrap of paper shoved at her and giving pleasing comments on costumes, make-up, and acting. On the inside she was casting Thundaga on the entire group while in full Overdrive mode. No, she thought, It's not their fault. Oh no, this is all Tidus' fault for having the attention span of a gnat with ADHD.
Having run out of acceptable things to sign and having exhausted every Sphere and Flat available, the group bombarded her with stupid questions. There were the usual: 'What's your favorite color?', 'Just what do you see in Wakka?', 'What kind of shampoo do you use?', 'What cup size are you?' and, 'What's it like working with Auron/Wakka/Tidus/Kimahri?' She answered as good-naturedly as possible, but when the questions turned to: 'Do you sleep in the nude?', 'have you ever gone skinny dipping with Auron/Wakka/Tidus/Kimahri?', that she drew the line. Then came the question that left her mind ringing and made her soul wither up and try and find a place to hide. "Do you have a secret crush on Tidus?"
The Black Mage barely controlled a full-body shudder of revulsion. Her doppelgangers twittered excitedly, about to witness their idol's legendary wrath, as she stiffened and warned, "It would be wise of you to never ask that question, or anything like it ever again."
She turned slowly and faced the speaker. Lulu had to hand it to the girl. She had the perfect costume, and had spent a lot of time getting every detail down. She could have easily been mistaken for the real Lulu and she had obviously spent a lot of time studying her mannerisms too. Something wasn't right though, but Lulu was too insulted to figure it out at the moment as the girl bravely prompted,
"Well…do you?"
Many cultures have their own definitions of bravery. A group of desert nomads in Sanubia think that the height of bravery is telling the Mother-in-Law to mind her own business. It should be noted that it is easy to tell the Mother-in-Law to mind her own business over the phone while you are safe in your own home, so why is this considered brave? Because desert nomads live in extended families. Together. All in the same tent.
Some Hypello clans think true bravery is hunting Maelspike with a very blunt stick and a list of insults about their mothers. The Ronso think bravery is fighting unarmed and outnumbered, using anything they can get their claws on as a weapon (which often turns out to be the first enemy they can grab). And the tiny Cactuar warriors think that ultimate bravery is drinking a 64oz. glass of water. These acts are all considered brave…but they could also easily be defined as suicide.
Impressed with the girl's audacity, Lulu replied, "He is the little brother I never wanted and I have nothing but mild sisterly affection for him. Nice costume by the way."
"Oh thank you!" the girl trilled, "I spent hours on it." Then she executed a smart little twirl. That did it. Lulu nearly choke on her own saliva, Holy Yevon! She's a guy!!
Lulu kept smiling as the girl chattered on. She tried to avoid looking at her neckline, because she just didn't want to know.
"I'm even pretty good at Casting!" Mr. Lulu said excitedly. Lulu's ultimate fan pulled out a moogle and swept and arm up and out dramatically while saying, "Wooooosh!" Apparently she had just cast Water.
Lulu couldn't decide if she was flattered or insulted.
The other cosplayers nodded their approval at the impressive Casting, and began discussing Casting techniques with the enthusiasm of geeks everywhere. That's the thing about geeks and nerds. Every planet, universe and star system has them. They had their own language, obsessive interests, natural aversions to physical activities, and were often the object of the humorously cruel attention of larger peers who, according to psychologists, are actually quite sad individuals who are crying inside (often at the same time they are laughing hysterically while administering a swirly).
In spite of all the prejudice against nerds and geeks, no one complains when there is the sudden and urgent need for a way to hack into websites to access free tickets for the sold out No Sync concert. Thank Yevon for geeks and nerds.
After a few long minutes of listening politely to nerdspeak, which included strange terms like HP, Damage, and Level Masters, Lulu decided that it was time for her to leave, and possibly find a sane person to talk to. Smiling, when all she wanted to do was freeze the lot of them and push them off the cliff, Lulu said to her clones " It's been nice meeting all of you, but I really must go." then she offered a little too much information. "I'm supposed to be looking for Tidus."
"Tidus? The Tidus?" several of the girls inquired with interest. Lulu resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Great. Rabid fan girls. she thought acidly.
"We'll help you look for him!" another girl said graciously, practically vibrating with eagerness.
"Yes! It will be the prefect opportunity to …uh,…learn more about how to properly portray you." the first girl said. There really was no way out (aside from the obvious one, which involved a little MP, the handy cliff, and would be much more fun. For Lulu at least.)
Thus Lulu continued her search, accompanied by her own personal little army. It was like being accompanied by a parade except there were no clowns. Along the way, the scarlet eyed Black Mage was forced to stop and watch while her fans took part in the Best Costume contest, for which Little Mr. Lulu and Cactuar Lulu tied for first in the Lulu Division. The Black Mage felt only slightly sympathetic for the Dona and Barthello impersonators as they marched on stage under the harsh scrutiny of the crowd. The Dona was horrible at first glance, and was even worse when, after a closer look, you noted the impersonator was a rather plump man who could have been described as having a barrel chest, had it not merged with his stomach to hang down over his knees. The costume was fairly accurate, except that the real Dona didn't have quite so many bits oozing out between the lacings.
The Barthello cosplayer was no better. The boy looked like what you would get if hat racks and coat hangers could breed. His chest was so sunken, he could have eaten his morning cereal out of it. With the over large pants and two yards of leather belt he was wearing, it looked more like someone had draped a pair of pants and a couple of belts over a broom.
Lulu's fans wanted to stay longer to gloat over their victory, but Lulu was adamantly against it. The uneasy peace between fan groups was strained with so many of them in one place. Lulu had no intention of sticking around for a Clone War, so she gathered her fans and moved on. Once safely away from hostile fans, and having decided that if she was stuck with these 'special people' for the rest of the afternoon she might as well make them work, the Black Mage suggested that they each go out and find Tidus. She sagged with relief as the herd of doppelgangers quickly dispersed, leaving her blissfully alone…except for Cactuar Lulu, who was easily ditched by the simple method of running away very quickly.
Tidus had spent most of the day wandering the convention. He was not one bit worried about what Lulu was going to do to him when she caught him, but only because you didn't kill someone in public because 1) there would be lots of witnesses, and 2) there was really no polite way to perforate someone. All Tidus had to worry about was the trip home, starting the moment they left the Percipice, but that moment was still hours away and he had plenty of time to plan his escape. The blond watched a few rounds of the Best Aeon contest. It consisted mostly of Bahamuts, who were good at posing and showing off. The Bahamut was probably the most conceited creature to ever crawl the face of Spira. When the Valefors were Summoned for their turn, Tidus had the sudden urge to be very far away (like when the local religious door to door evangelists come knocking). He didn't know if Yuna's Valefor had been talking to other Valefors, but he didn't want to find out. The one on the end with the bow on her tail was giving him a look so dirty, it could have tarnished silver at fifty yards.
Tidus wandered off to find safer entertainment.
There, between the Failed Summoner's League, who's motto was "We're Still Good Enough!", and the Unofficial Fan Fiction display, was a small group of Jecht worshipers. Since no one could do Jecht better than Jecht, Jecht was instructing his minions in the correct way to be an obnoxious jock. He had even taken on several Tidus cosplayers because they just weren't doing it right.
"No! No! No! You got it all wrong!" Braska's Final Summon groaned as 'Tidus' and 'Jecht' faced off.
Tidus sauntered over. "Hey dad, what's up?"
"Hey son, thank Yevon you're here!" the scruffy collection of pyre flies boomed happily as he gave his offspring a fatherly slap on the back. Tidus grimaced and stumbled slightly because it was the kind of friendly slap that stings for hours afterward, and leaves a mark like a deadly skin disease. "I'm just trying to show these losers…uh, fans how it's done, but they keep bunging it up!"
"You have to be more indifferent," Jecht thrust a finger at his fan, "And you have to say it with a little more passion. Haven't you ever told your dad you hated him before? No? What d'ya mean 'no'? What's wrong with you kids?" this was said to the Tidus cosplayer. Jecht rolled his eyes as the kid stammered out an excuse.
"Like this," the former Sin said impatiently, shooing the cosplayer out of the way. He shoved Tidus forward and said encouragingly "Go on son, show these bums the proper way to be a rebellious, angst, crybaby!"
A few brain cell rubbed together and got a spark going in an attempt to relay the insult to HQ, but Tidus' ego managed to stamp it out before it could get too far. It was time to show off and there was no time for any petty distractions.
Tidus faced 'Jecht'. "I hate you dad!" he spat vehemently, making a slashing motion with his arm and winning the admiration of the Tidus impersonators.
"You're angry, remember! You hate him with every fiber of your being. Say it like you mean it, 'cause you only get one chance to tell your dad you hate him. Now, you try." Tidus said, gesturing to one of his fans.
Lulu pressed a hand to her forehead and slowly shook her head before running a baleful eye over the crowd of Tidus clones. Her freedom had not lasted long before the pack of fans had returned with a multitude of Tidus' imposters. Their costumes ranged from the very simple (bits of foil, cardboard, and dog hair) to the incredibly elaborate. Some of them could be easily disqualified as the real Tidus because of species, costume, skin color, accent, hair color, build, and gender, while others were a little more difficult to distinguish. She was almost fooled by one of them, until he opened his mouth and spouted intelligence.
The Black Mage momentarily contemplated bringing the boy back and telling Yuna that this was Tidus and she was jolly well going to like it. She dismissed the thought with a mental sigh of regret. On her mental Road of Life, a monument to this day was being erected. It was embarrassingly large and had one two many lights around it to ensure that when she looked back it would be easily seen. Lulu adjusted her moogle, having had enough, and was about to burn them all to a crisp with Firaga when one of the Lulu's shouted, "Look! It's The Tidus!!"
Lulu spun around and spotted Tidus in the middle of a large group of his fans. A humorless grin twisted itself across her face. Without turning, she said to her fans "Excuse me, but I have some unfinished business to attend to." and set off at a ladylike gallop (which is a lot harder to do than you think, especially in heels and with a yard or so of fabric tangling around your knees).
Jecht was the first to spot the terrible vision bearing down on them. "Uh, well, it's been a blast, got to go, stop by and visit sometime, son!" Jecht said all in one breath before quickly disappearing, leaving the crowd and his spawn scratching their heads. Tidus shrugged and was turning around to sign some autographs, when his eyes fell upon a ship load of volatile impatience, hostility, and unpredictability compressed into one slender woman who happened to be sweeping towards him like a juggernaut.
"See ya!" Tidus called to his fans as his feet propelled him away at speed. "Oh no you don't you little Sin Spawn!" Lulu snarled as she saw the boy rabbit away. Calmly, the Black Mage grabbed a blitz ball from one of the 'Jechts' and hurled it with an impressive over-arm throw that coaches only dream about. The air filled globe whistled through the air and right into the back of Tidus' head. There was a thwak!, and the boy was lifted off the ground and pitched forward, right into the arms of a stunned Little Mr. Lulu.
The Imp of Mischief shared a nasty little grin with the Imp of Creative Revenge, and shoved the red-hot poker of Once in a Lifetime Opportunity into Lulu's brain. Lulu grabbed a Flat from the nearest cosplayer, and in a disturbingly sweet tone asked "So, who wants their picture taken with the Tidus?"
Hours later, Yuna and her Guardians, except for Auron, who had stayed home because he said he had the 'Farplane Flu' (but really because he still had a Ronso horn), were finally on their way home. As Tidus trudged along next to Yuna, he was feeling rather puzzled. He had a sore spot on the back of his head, and some really odd memories.
"Something wrong, brudda?" (Take a guess) asked, seeing the troubled look on Tidus' face. "I'm not sure," Tidus replied, rubbing the back of his head thoughtfully. "I had this really weird dream. There were all these girls that looked like Lulu…and they were all fighting over me..and…" he trailed off, his mind trying to grab at the loose end of the memory flapping around in his head.
"Let me guess. There was this one girl who was more beautiful than the rest, ya?" Wakka provided with an odd smile. Even Yuna was smiling, though she was trying to hide it behind her hand. Tidus blinked in surprise. "Yeah! But there was…something about her that was…I don't know. She looked…"
"Like this?" Lulu asked, whipping out a flat. Tidus stared at the image. There he was, barely conscious, and propped up in a chair. There was a girl, who looked alarmingly like Lulu, sitting on his lap and mugging like an idiot. Tidus' eyes brightened, "Yeah, that's her! But there was something…!" Tidus sputtered impotently, his brain unable to even throw up a suitable sentence enhancer. Lulu smiled in dark satisfaction as Tidus was finally able to rewire his mouth to his thought processes and scream, "Sweet Yevon, she's a GUY!"
And then, because cosmic law states that 'Things always go from bad, to worse'. Lulu smiled and said, "Yes she is. And you have a date tomorrow."
End.
No characters were harmed in the making of this fic. passes out with the effort of creating