Another "missing scene" from 1x10 which was bugging me...;o)
Thanks again to Obsessedatopia for her wonderful, inspiring support!
The car ride after the trial had been very quiet. Stef had taken Callie under her arm, leading her softly out of the courthouse. Lena looked heartbroken and had tentatively asked her if she wanted to have a coffee or a stroll downtown, but she shook her head, letting them know she was exhausted and not in the mood for talking at all. Callie appreciated their sympathy, but this was too much. She felt helpless, and angry and numb all at the same time.
Back at the house, her foster moms let her go directly to her room while they briefly explained to the other kids and Sharon what had happened at the courthouse and that Callie needed some space.
"I'm so proud of them, too." Lena commented fondly to her partner when they were finally left alone and went to their bedroom to change their clothes. "This is really a big issue, and they're so supportive and understanding. So mature. "
"Yeah, apart from Jesus who proposed to go after Liam himself." Stef smirked raising her eyebrow.
"Mariana has been very sweet to Callie recently, have you noticed? I'd never bet they would have become friends a few weeks ago." Lena offered while taking off her shoes. "She's our good girl" Stef chuckled quietly. "She's just starting to relax a little after… you know. Ana and everything."
"What can we do to support Callie?" sighed Lena, letting herself fall on her side of the bed for a while. She had easily found her way to Jude, who openly adored her, but finding cracks in Callie's walls was definitely proving to be more a job for Stef. Luckily enough, parenting was a team sport.
"I can talk to her, love…but the truth is, that kid has gone through hell. We can try and imagine how she feels, but all we can do right now is be there for her…right?"
Lena nodded. They had proposed that Callie undertake some form of therapy to help her cope with her traumatic experience, and she was grateful for the offer, but she didn't feel ready for it yet.
"This is so frustrating. I wish we had… met her and Jude when they were younger, before all of this could happen." Stef sighed, turning towards her partner's side of the bed before snuggling with her for a few minutes. Lena's sad smile and tight embrace let her know she was feeling the same.
When the blonde entered the room and sat quietly beside her on the bed, Callie chuckled for a second in her mind. They were predictable, after all. She was exhausted and had almost no more energy for resistance. She always tried to prevent Jude from growing fond of their temporary placements, and she usually was able to refrain from doing so, but this time she was failing, and she hated herself for it. In the end, Jude had a point. Wasting time trying not to be hurt was pointless when you were already hurting.
Stef started a little awkwardly, which was pretty out of character for her, resting her hands in her lap, unsure of where to place them. "Hm, I guess you're not in the mood for having people around, sweets. I just…we wanted you to know how proud you made us today. You made the right choice. You were amazing." The older woman continued more firmly and followed her instincts, taking Callie's hand.
Callie felt tears prickling behind her eyes, and looked away from the blonde, without pulling away her hand. She used to hate Stef for being able to touch her, at the beginning. Literally and figuratively. It was easier with Lena – she was smart, sweet and sensitive, but she moved still cautiously around the girl's barriers. Against Stef, Callie's defenses were falling down, and this amazed and petrified her.
She was aware of when it had started. A sort of imprinting mechanism had sprung into action the exact moment of her new foster mother talking to her after they rescued Jude. In those following minutes, Callie was sitting in the car but could see those weird, kind women hugging tightly, the brunette worn out from retrospective fear and the blonde wearing an emotional, yet determined look. When Stef fastened her seatbelt and started the car to drive them home, she felt instantly safe like she hadn't felt in ages. This was extremely dangerous. She was meant to be alone, to stand on her own feet and to be strong for her and for Jude. This was not meant to happen.
The weird feeling didn't melt away in the following days either. She knew these kinds of people, but she had never been close to any of them. People like Stef, whose warmth and firmness made you feel warm too, and protected, whether you liked it or not. The woman's gaze made her often feel like she was delicately wrapping her in a blanket and holding her without touching. This was scary, but the even scarier thing was how Callie wanted more of it.
As the weeks had passed by – especially after opening up about Liam – Callie was relaxing little by little and getting more involved in the siblings' dynamics. She was more frequently joining the kids teasing Lena for her healthy-sophisticated cooking, or playfully winding up Stef over something. She weirdly enjoyed being a subject to Lena's scolding glares and Stef's hyperbolic threats. It would make her feel like one of the kids for a few seconds – a sensation she longed for in spite of herself.
Things then ran out of control. She was no longer feeling like an extraneous object among the Fosters. She was getting used to them. At her friendly foster siblings bickering over trivial issues, at Lena healing Jude's scars day by day with her calm and brightness, at Stef looking through her and stroking her cheek lightly or squeezing her shoulder to say 'see you later'.
After the shooting, Callie couldn't fight anymore. She couldn't help it. She couldn't help tuning in to the feelings of her foster family – she sensed Lena's anger and terror through her composure, Brandon's fear and confusion, Mariana's distress. She couldn't help having flashbacks of her mother's accident, and sticking – with accurate nonchalance – to Stef when she came back home, to check at regular intervals if she was ok.
Then, the trial had made her feel like she was suddenly cast to the ground and squashed under a truck. She had chosen to fight against her monsters. She had lost. Lena and Stef were there for her, Brandon and even Mariana were virtually by her side, but, at the end, she was going to be alone and her voice was not strong enough. Memories were bombarding her head, leaving her restless, even making her feel dirty. Guilty. Again. Although rationally she knew clearly she was the victim.
And now here she was, with Stef, who was now quietly stroking her hair. She thought back over the words she had just uttered. "Amazing? Really? Because I'm feeling crap." Callie snapped sarcastically, but with a weak, hesitant voice. The blonde stared at her pensively.
"It's ok to feel like that" her foster mom said quietly. "Because you didn't get the outcome you deserved. But you must be proud of yourself for the way you handled it all. We are. I am so proud of you, Callie." she continued more steadily, meeting the girl's uncertain gaze. "For what? You mean, for being unable to get a judge to believe me?" Callie muttered, exhausted.
"You know what I mean." Stef whispered looking at the girl's hand in hers and squeezing it a little more. "You've been brave, more than many adults can manage, people who haven't gone through what you have. It had already taken you a lot of courage to talk to us, to talk to anybody about…the rape, and you found this strength in order to help another girl. To protect her from Liam. This says so much about you, Callie. About how kind and unselfish you are. You have a strong sense of justice. That's why you decided to tell the truth today. You know what amazes me more? How you didn't lose your purity after the hell you've lived in."
Callie looked at her shyly, then dropped her eyes again "Purity?" That was not exactly what she felt.
"The goodness of your heart, babe. Your instinct to protect Jude and even Sarah shows that, too. You've been through a lot but it didn't destroy you, as much as you can feel broken sometimes. Times like this."
"I'm not feeling that…huh…special at the moment, actually." Callie said, blushing a little. Compliments were definitely something she wasn't able to handle well. Even if, right then, her foster mom's appraisal gave her an immediate sense of warmth. "That's what family and friends are for, hun. Not just for making you go nuts, but for reminding you you're special" the blonde added playfully, then turned serious again. She didn't want Callie to think she was making fun of her situation. "You are to all of us, you know that? You are special to me."
The brunette looked down to her striped socks. This, she couldn't handle at all. "Thank you" She let out with a small voice. Her eyes were glossy, but she managed to fight the tears one more time. Stef was rubbing circles gently on her back. "It was awful for us being there and not having a chance to make things right for you. If I could do anything to make you feel better – to fix things, I would do it. I just feel – powerless about this" the woman confessed.
"You're not" Callie snapped. Stef looked at her, slightly puzzled. "I mean" the girl fought against her own reticence with a small smile "I know you're in the habit of being the superhero, but sometimes – just the two of you being there…and all of you encouraging me to fight for this…it meant a lot to me, anyway." Callie rested her gaze for a few seconds in Stef's hazel eyes. I really want to do something more. I want to so much. I want her to be my own child - Stef channeled her unspeakable thoughts into a delicate hug, wrapping her arms around the girl's shoulders and resting softly her forehead against her foster daughter's.
There goes the wall, Callie had the time to think before closing her eyes and surrendering to the feelings flooding into her, together with a couple of small tears, which she promptly wiped away with the back of her hand. The girl let her head slide down on the woman's shoulder. God, she had been craving this.
Stef gently pulled her closer to her and took the teen firmly in her arms. Callie rested there for a little while, smelling coffee and some cool, aquatic scent from her foster mom's skin and forgetting temporarily her exhausting day. Stef had been waiting for this, too – bear-hugging her loved ones was as natural as breathing to her, but she didn't want to push Callie's reservations.
"I'm sorry" the girl's voice emerged after a few minutes with a smirk. "For getting you involved in this mess when you're preparing for your big day." Stef sighed "I almost forgot about that. I wanted to tell you something. This…celebration and stuff…"
"It's your wedding..." Callie interrupted with a furrowed brow. Stef continued, with another small sigh "Ok. Lena and I have been talking about this. We really don't want you to feel uncomfortable. Maybe you just need some peace right now. You met my Mom but that's just the tip of the iceberg – the house will be crowded with other relatives, and friends…We could postpone it. Just a couple weeks." Callie looked at her with her eyes wide open with surprise. "Are you kidding? No way…Come on, it's your wedding!" she repeated.
"Of course it is, but hello? You're more important to us than a party!" Stef whispered, teasing her softly while keeping a hand on her back. Callie looked at her feet again, then raised her eyes and answered quietly "I'm completely ok with it. Actually, I'm relieved you guys are giving me a distraction. It'll be a great day." Stef raised her eyebrow "Are you totally sure about it?" Callie nodded with conviction "Yep."
"So, if you're ok with this, I guess it's my turn to wrangle my Mom and Dana for a while..." Stef lazily got up patting Callie's knee. "Good luck with that…" the girl quipped quickly with a mischievous little smile. Stef addressed her with a mock scolding glare, then stroked her cheek lightly. "I'll see you later? At dinner?" Callie nodded. "I don't want to fuss over you too much, but please – come to us if you want to talk. Or just some company, or anything, ok?"
"Ok" the girl quietly replied.
"Stef?" Callie added with a small voice, stopping the woman, who was just heading to the door. She turned back rapidly to look at her. "I – hem, I mean, thank you." Stef smiled slowly and gave her a peck on the temple – the girl wondered if she had grasped what she really meant to say.
She wasn't actually looking forward for the wedding – another big family celebration during which she and Jude would feel out of place, another wave of bittersweet moments. She picked up her guitar and got out to the backyard to strum some frustration away, feeling her heart a little lighter while she trotted down the stairs. She was realizing that, this time, a strong part of her wanted something more than being a temporary child. She wanted it so hard. And this hurt - but keeping walls up would have hurt even more.