"In this proud land we grew up strong, we were wanted all along, I was taught to fight, taught to win, I never thought I could fail,"
The wind howled, rushing through the night sky like a feral animal chasing after its prey. Small lost leaves helplessly caught up in its strong vices had no choice but to be carried effortlessly across the busy city. He sat on the edge of the roof, looking out across Holby, the twinkling lights from the cars feeling like they were so many miles away. His shoes clipped the worn, red bricks as he swung his legs backward and forward as he leaned back against his hands and closed his dark eyes. He sighed, exhaling all the pent up breathe from his reluctant lungs and tried to rid his mind of the thoughts that were penetrating his soul.
"No fight left, or so it seems, I am a man whose dreams have all deserted, I've changed my face, I've changed my name, but no-one wants you when you lose,"
He was far from a fool and he definitely did not need anyone to tell him how very dangerous sitting up here, in this unforgiving weather, was. What he didn't expect however, was the stark realisation that sitting out here in the dark, on top of the hospital roof, was the closest he'd felt to being alive in weeks. His life was a mess; he knew that, he was a mess. In any other situation, a casual bystander would never have known the turmoil that boiled so close beneath the surface of his chiselled face. How his heart ached in a way it had never done before; how his mind was constantly on overdrive as he replayed the scene over and over and over again.
"Don't give up, 'cos you have friends, don't give up, you're not beaten yet, don't give up, I know you can make it good."
Himself and Chrissie, his wife, were rapidly growing further and further apart, the emotional distance between them so much larger than the physical. He should be able to talk to her, to tell his wife just how alone and sore and lifeless he felt. But he couldn't, and the more he thought about it, he didn't think he ever could.
It wasn't the first time he'd thought about it. It wasn't the first time he'd thought about jumping, about slipping off the wall and into the dark, cold night sky, but that wasn't him was it? Was he really ready to give it all up just yet?
"Thought I saw it all around, never thought that I could be affected, though that we'd be the last to go, it is so strange the way things turn."
"Sam," a soft voice cut confidently through the wind, causing him to turn his pounding head. "Come down," she offered, her hazel eyes serious now, as she stepped carefully towards him, "Please come down, it's windy and cold… how long have you been up here?"
"I don't know," he replied truthfully, his eyes meeting hers, "It seems like minutes, but I've watched the sun set and the sky turn dark,"
"It is mesmerising up here," she admitted, reaching him and placing a hand gently either side of his broad shoulders, "But please come away from the edge,"
"Drove the night toward my home, the place that I was born, on the lakeside, as daylight broke, I saw the earth, the trees had burned down to the ground."
He nodded, doing as she had asked, and turned around, standing in front of her, "I wasn't going to jump if that's what you think," he stated more forcefully than he'd meant too,
She reached forward and placed her hand onto his cheek, the warmth from the palm of her hand seeping into his very soul. Her thumb brushed against his wet skin, her heart aching for him as she felt the tracks where his tears had fallen.
"I mean, I thought about it for a second, but things will get better won't they?" He inhaled as she kissed his cheek so gently, "Please tell me things will get better," he uttered quietly against her soft hair, his voice hoarse as he struggled to hold back his tears,
"It will take some time," she told him all too knowingly, "But I promise they will… you won't hurt this much forever."
"You're cold," he noted, watching how fine goose pimples arose on her lightly tanned skin,
"Will you come inside? I don't like to think of you out here on your own,"
He nodded, "I don't think I can cope with going home, I'll stay here tonight,"
"Don't give up, you still have us, don't give up, we don't need much of anything, don't give up, 'cause somewhere there's a place, where we belong."
An hour later he lay, his head on her thighs as she stretched her leg s out so her feet were rested on her ridiculously expensive coffee table. She ran her fingertips through his thick hair, her finger nails scraping gently against his scalp, making his body tingle as he closed his eyes.
"I feel like the whole world is spinning past me and I'm the only one standing still," he admitted, only to her. "Like that feeling you first get when you get off a fair ground ride. Your feet may be on the floor, but it's all hazy and you can't quite understand where the voices are coming from, and the faces are all blurred. He couldn't hold back the glassy tears that ran down his cheeks, "It hurts so much, I can't breathe. I hate being in that house without them. The pictures and the toys scattered everywhere, and then I just see blood, so much blood and the screeching of those damned tyres."
He sat up, his hands on his knees, "I think I'm going to be sick,"
She handed him a glass of water and placed her hand on his back, his body shaking from the nausea and the cold and the lack of food, "You need to go to bed, will you ring Chrissie and let her know where you are?"
He shook his head, "No… if she's that bothered she can call me,"
"Rest your head, you worry too much, it's going to be alright, when times get rough, you can fall back on us, don't give up, please don't give up,"
She jumped later that night as she heard footsteps in her hallway, "Sam?" she uttered through the darkness, her heart pounding in case it wasn't him,
"Sorry," he replied, his voice hoarse and gravelly, "Can I come in?"
She smiled, "You gave me a fright, of course you can, there's more than enough room in here for the two of us,"
He slipped into the warm bed beside her, grateful as she leaned into his chest, her right hand resting on his left shoulder. Her hair smelt of strawberries, he noted as he took her right hand in his and squeezed it gently. She fell asleep quickly, her nose pressing against the skin of his neck, her breathe tickling his skin. He hadn't thought she was capable of such kindness; in fact he wasn't sure he'd met anyone else who was. She'd somehow managed to save him from himself, without really saying much at all.
"'Got to walk out of here, I can't take anymore, going to stand on that bridge, keep my eyes down below, whatever may come, and whatever may go, that river's flowing, that river's flowing."
She knew more than anyone he was worn out. He had hardly been eating or sleeping, spending days on end working, and when he didn't work he'd started drinking. He tried to drink to numb the pain, but the truth was the nightmares were always worse once he'd fallen off to sleep. She watched him from the nurses' station, she knew how he felt, she remembered how it felt to have her whole world ripped apart so cruelly.
He sat at her kitchen table, watching as she flicked on the kettle and got out two mugs. Her top slipped up, revealing her toned stomach, feelings running through him that he thought were gone forever.
"Coffee or tea?" She asked, her slender arms placing two slices of bread into the toaster as she awaited his response,
"Tea please Con," he smiled, she made him smile, he couldn't thank her enough for that, "White, no sugar,"
She nodded, "Toast?"
"I don't think I'm hungry,"
She raised an eyebrow, walking over to where he sat and kissing his cheek gently before running her hand through his hair, "Can you remember the last time you ate something?"
"Don't start," he replied, resisting the temptation to pull her onto his lap and kiss her with a passion he thought had died along with his daughters,
"I'm not starting," she told him, winking at him as the toast popped out of the shiny red toaster, "But you need to eat, do you like marmite?"
He decided against arguing with her, she always won anyway, "Yes, with butter please."
She placed the tea and toast in front of him and squeezed his strong shoulder gently, "You'll feel better soon I promise,"
"Moved onto another town, tried hard to settle down, for every job, so many men, so many men no-one needs."
He knocked on her door a few evenings later, his heart pounding through his chest, his respiratory rate on over drive. They had lost a patient, a young girl, on their table and she'd taken it as badly as him. She'd done as she always did and went for a run, her legs taking her further and further then she had thought was possible. She spared a thought for Sam, but her own mind was too tangled to do much about his state of mind.
She opened the door, her dark eyes meeting his as he stepped close to her, the door slamming behind him. "I want nothing more than to kiss you and take you to bed," he admitted, making butterflies flutter their wings in her stomach.
She wrapped her arms around his neck, inhaling and gasping as his lips fell onto hers softly at first, before with increasing pressure. "Take me to bed Sam," she breathed as his soft lips kissed her own over and over and over again before trailing across her mouth and behind her ear. He lifted her over his shoulder and carried her up the stairs, his heart filling with the kind of love he never thought he'd feel again.
"Don't give up, 'cause you have friends, don't give up, you're not the only one, don't give up, no reason to be ashamed, don't give up, you still have us."
As he placed her onto the floor, his hands slipped either side of her face, his lips falling on hers as she almost fell onto his chest. He enveloped her into his arms, holding her close, his lips never parting from hers.
He slipped her dress over her body, his lips falling against her soft breasts as her nimble fingers made light work of his own clothes.
"I think you are so beautiful, you signify all that is right with the world," he smiled, as she bit her lip gently. He lifted her as she wrapped her legs around his waist, his mouth, that wonderful mouth finding hers. Moments later she moved above him, her fingernails scrapping into his skin as she moaned as he flicked his hips. The next few hours were filled with hot kisses on warm skin, positions achieved that would be felt for days to come. She lay between his legs in the warm bath, unable to prevent her smile as he kissed her neck, her shoulders, moving her hair to kiss the nape of her neck.
"Are you okay?" he asked, his deep voice making her shiver with want all over again,
"Connie," he smiled against her neck,
"Sorry," she replied,
"You're not regretting this are you? I'd hate to think you're regretting..."
"No," she smiled, turning to face him, pressing her lips against his, "Come on Sam; you really think I'd be lying here like this with you if I had regrets?"
He ran his fingers across her stomach, "Your skin is like silk." She closed her eyes as he washed her body gently, his lips pressed gently against her shoulder. Half an hour later, he got out of the bath and handed her a towel, "Come on Con, time for bed,"
She kissed his mouth, before clipping up her hair and wondering into the kitchen and replenishing their wine glasses, before kneeling on her bed and handing him a glass.
"What does this mean?" He asked her, catching his lips with his as she smiled and handed him her wine glass. He watched as she pulled on some underwear before taking her wine back from him and resuming her former position.
"What do you want this to mean?" she smiled.
He pulled back the covers, "Come here,"
She did as he asked and leaned into his chest as he wrapped his arms around her,
"Isn't it obvious what I want Connie?"
She shook her head, "You're married, and I'm making your whole life so much more complicated aren't I?"
He shook his head, pulling her under the covers, his wandering hands making her shiver with want all over again, "I want you, only you, my marriage was over a long time ago. I want to spend days in bed with you, feeling like I do now,"
She kissed him firmly, moaning into his mouth as his hands slipped down her stomach , "I want to feel like I do now forever,"
"You are the most amazing woman I've ever met," he uttered as she moved underneath him, "You will always be the most amazing woman I've ever met."
"Don't give up now, we're proud of who you are, don't give up, you know it's never been easy, don't give up, 'cause I believe there's a place, there's a place where we belong."