David,

I hope you are enjoying your summer vacation so far, and have not succumbed to the pressure you are under to be more ironic than ever. I myself have found my mother to be even more intolerable than ever, as she continues to shower me with meaningless words of affection that are clearly another scheme in her passive-aggressive attempts to antagonize me. I do not believe I need to say that it is not working.

Have you found yourself in trouble yet? Are you planning more pranks to play on innocent Hogwarts students, both young and old? To the second question, I would suggest you refrain from any of the more elaborate pranks, if you wish for Jade's attention to be positive. Please write back as soon as possible-I did not realize how difficult it is to be only in contact with a drunk madwoman.

Sincerely,

RL

D4V3,

WH4T DO3S YOUR BLOOD T4ST3 L1K3? 1'V3 B33N WOND3R1NG. DO3S 1T T4ST3 L1K3 NORM4L HUM4N BLOOD, OR 1S TH3R3 SOM3 SP3C14L COOLK1D BLOOD TH4T T4ST3S 3XTR4 SP3CIAL?

YOU B3TT3R NOT B3 SP3ND1NG YOUR SUMM3R COM1NG UP W1TH PR4NKS, B3C4US3 1 W1LL HUNT YOU DOWN, 4ND YOU W1LL P4Y. JUST L1KE POOR S3N4TOR L3MONSNOUT. H3 H4D 1T COM1NG. H3H3. :D

-G4LLOWSC4L1BR4TOR

FF,

ii promii2ed you ii would 2tay iin touch, 2o thii2 ii2 me, wriiting two you. ii have no fuckiing iidea what two 2ay.

How ha2 your 2ummer been? ii'm 2ure you've gone 2wiimiing a lot, a2 that wa2 all you could talk about on the traiin. ii've been iin2iide, mo2tly, programmiing 2ome 2tuff. How'2 the a22hole Ampora? Hopefully not two well, but dream2 don't come true.

Wriite back, can't waiit two 2ee you, etc. etc.

-twiinArmagedon2

Rose,

hey, i got your letter. sorry bout your mom, i guess. unfortunately, my irony is off the fucking charts these days. what did you expect? yeah, i guess ive 'found myself in trouble' a few times, i guess, but bro was there to clean up the mess. he went shopping while i was gone, by the way. i got a ton of new dresses. theyre not all bad.

since i was gone, the house has been swarmed y puppets. ive found them everywhere. well, more everywhere than usual.

just thought id let you know that john plans all the pranks, i just use my kickass ninja skills to carry them out. plus magic.

speaking of magic, the sick beats ive been turning this summer are damn near magic, rose. theyre so ill, they had to stay home from school. theyre so ill, they had to go the fucking hospital and theyre in overnight surveillance.

anyways, im not thinking about jade this summer. this is a jade free summer. totally. who the fuck am i kidding with that bullshit, but im thinking about asking her out this year.

write back.

love from,

-dave strider

Terezi,

the fuck do you mean, "does my blood have a taste"? what kind of bullshit question is that?

again, i dont make the pranks, john does. i just carry them out with my sick ninja skills.

the hell is lemonsnout?

hows your summer, tz? what have you been doing (besides possibly assassinating people in positions of power)

Nice talking with you,

-dave strider

Sollux,

)(E-Y! Wow, so nice to )(ear from you!

My summer is going swimmingly! I've been to t)(e ocean wit)( Eridan and )(is family! We've gone swimming every day, and we even went WATE-R SKIING! Eridan needed kelp, )(e fell loads of times. Apparently dreams do come true, because you're at your silly computer again, and my best friend )(urt )(imself! )(e's locked )(imself inside because )(e doesn't want to glub to anyone. I am soo done with )(is culls)(it! It's okay, because I get to spend more time wit)( Meenah!

When are you going to Diagon Alley! I'd love to see you there!

Love,

cuttlefis)(Culler

David,

Your meaningless gestures of sentimentality are much appreciated. The grammatical train wreck you would refer to as a letter, however, is not.

I'm sure you would appear quite handsomely in a dress, though it may be questionable to most functioning members of society. But, then again, so would the puppets that cover your house. No complains on the behalf of your sanity this time, I see. Perhaps you are finally realizing your messed up addiction to puppet ass.

On the topic of asking Jade out, I would mature a little before you let your brain even set foot in that direction.

Salutations,

RL

AA,

ii fiigured iif ii wa2 beiing forced to make human contact, I miight a2 well wriite to you. How are you doiing? ii hope you are enjoying your 2ummer.

-twiinArmagedon2

AA,

just thought ii miight let you know iit2 iincrediibly rude to not reply to me22age2, e2peciially after two weeks.

-twiinArmagedon2

AA,

goddammiit, you could at lea2t tell me you don't want to talk!

-twiinArmagedon2

D4V3,

HOW D4R3 YOU 4CCUS3 M3 OF CR1M1N4L 4CT1V1TY! 1'M HURT. L3MONSNOUT 1S 4 NO GOOD DR4GON WHO W4S C4UGHT P1RAT1NG MON3Y. I HUNG H1M.

-G4LLOWSC4L1BR4TOR

tz,

you hung a what? cool. i didnt know dragons could die that way. i thought you liked dragons. whatever. anyways, i drew you a thing. here: its pretty sick. anyways, talk to you on the train.

see you later,

-dave strider

kArKaT,

hOw'S mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg bEsT fRiEnD? tHiNgS aRe ChIlL oVeR HeRe. I hOpe yOuVe HaD sOmE MiRaClEs oVeR tHe sUmMeR. :o)

-tErMiNaLlYcApRiCiOuS

Tavroooooooos,

How's your summer? I hope its 8een shitty. Just like you. You're a 8ad person, Tavros.

Hahahahaha,

arachnidsGrip

Dear Rose,

How Has Your Summer Been? I Hope It Has Been Enjoyable, Like Mine. I Look Forward To Seeing You When I Return From School, Though It Is Nice To See Your Parents Again. I Do Hope That Your Mom Has Not Been Too Bad. I Just Got Done With All My Summer Work. I Am Sure You Finished Earlier-You Are Always The Better Student. Other Than That, I Have Not Had The Opportunity To Do Much This Summer.

When Are You Going To Diagon Alley? I Suppose It Is Too Much To Hope That I Will Run Into You There Two Years In A Row, But Perhaps We Can Plan To Go At The Same Time. It Is Too Late This Year, But Perhaps Next Year We Can Also See Each Other Over The Summer. I Cannot Wait For The School Year To Begin Again So We May Converse Some More.

Your Friend,

grimAuxiliatrix

Araaaaaaaadia,

Hey! How's your summer 8een? I hope its 8een okay. Ummm... Yeah. 8ye.

arachnidsGrip

Kanaya,

Hey! How's your summer 8een? Mine's 8een fine. Mom and dad have 8een laying low since winter, and we've moved away from our old house. Our new house is really big, and its on the countryside.

Aranea and I have 8een spending more time tog8ther. Its nice, I guess.

When are you going to Diagon Alley? I hope we'll see each other there.

See you on the train, girl!

Love,

arachnidsGrip