Disclaimer: I do not own K-On or any of the characters of K-On
How Can I Be?
No matter how hard I try...
"Hey, Hey, Ui! Look! Hehe!" Yui puts her chopsticks in her mouth, acting as if a Walrus, pawing with her hands like an animal. I'm forced to giggle. To laugh. Her silly antics are too captivating, too cute, I've tried to hold it in...but it just keeps gushing out...
...No matter how hard I try, I can't let go.
These giggles and laughs. I can't help it. Big Sister has always...always...
I can't forget these feelings I'm having...
…Made me smile and laugh...and feel so warm and happy...
...It used to be so small...I thought
"Big Sis...You're so silly" I giggled...Her silly antics...they're so...her. They fit her so well, that is who she is...Oh, the things I do for her...The cooking, the cleaning...And all that I put up with this silliness. How could I not do these things for her?
I thought I could ignore it...and that maybe...maybe it would go away...
"Hehe!" She sheepishly rubs her hand behind her head, pulling lightly on her hair. "Ahhh...Ui...Can I have some Ice Cream?" She tilts her to the side as she looks at me staring wide eyed. Such a cute face. How can she torture and manipulate me like this by being so cute? It's not fair. I want to reach out and pinch her cheeks.
...Then why don't I?
...But it didn't...It got bigger...It grew...I couldn't ignore it
Because then that would validate everything I feel...If I act reserved...maybe I can preserve it
Couldn't ignore it at all...and then...then...it started getting...uncontainable...
I raise my hand. "No way! You've got to eat dinner first Yui Big Sis...aaaaaall of it!" I strain, pointing to the food on her plate accusingly. "Eh..." she looks reluctantly at the remaining food bits still strewn on the plate...mostly populated by green sprouts. "Even the vegetables." I affirm positively.
….Preserve our relationship...preserve this sweet, unbreakable bond that has made me feel so loved...for so long. A bond between sisters.
Uncontrollable. My thoughts...my thoughts could only be occupied by her figure...
My only Big Sister...the kind, gentle girl who has always looked out for me...gone out of her way for my happiness...
"B-But...you put Broccoli in it Ui!" she bemoaned, her face contorting into tears. A plea of sympathy. Mercy. She held her hands together. "Please Ui! Maybe an exception today? Eh?" she tried to squirm out. But I would not relent. Yui should be maintaining a nutritious diet to stay healthy, I made sure of that. Why kind of Sister would I be if I let Yui fall out of health? I shook my head and mustered the most serious face I could. It was hard given my soft natured face. "If you want Ice cream...then you'll eat it..."
...My mind wanders back to a Christmas, many, many years ago. Waking up in the morning to find the white Christmas Yui had brought me, even though it was not a very impressive one...it filled me with such...such...happiness...a warm...fuzzy feeling...she was so good to me
...She invades my dreams, whispering sweet sinister words into my ears...bringing me so much more then just a white Christmas
When Jun speaks so exasperatedly about her younger sister...I can never comprehend. I could never be without my Big Sister...Just the thought alone frightens me. I couldn't imagine why Jun could think so carelessly of such a treasured person...
...But then, Jun doesn't have dreams like this with her Sister?...Does she?
Yui looks back at her plate...then at me...then back...I know she's trying to weigh her options...delicious sweets must always favor highly in her choices though. What other tactics will she resort to? "Ahhh...Ui, my th-throat feels so dry!" she croaks dramatically all the sudden, reaching to the ceiling. "...Only...I-Icecream can make it better!" she crys, throwing an arm over her eyes, playing it up as convincingly as possible. Who's convinced?
But the imagination can only go so far...can only come so close...to the real thing...
Even Yui's friends sometimes wonder...what makes me put up with her aloof and careless behavior? Why do I do the things that I do to make sure that my Sister is well fed, clean, and happy. Why do I allow her behavior to slide to carelessly?
...These feeling are almost bursting out of my lips...how can I keep the seems shut?
But they don't seem to understand...For all the things that I do for Yui Big Sister...For all her quirky behavior that I put up with...She does her best to make sure that I'M happy. She does things...sometimes, even boyfriends wouldn't do. My heart swells under the affection she dotes upon me.
Silently I pick up one big stalk of broccoli as she croaks more, closing her eyes in feigned misery. "Say, Ahhhh...!" I tell her quickly. "Ah?" she looks down, her mouth outstretched to produce the vocal confusion of her mind. And then, I seize my chance, pushing the broccoli full into her mouth. "Eat!" I command quickly. She looks like she wants to try and choke it out for a moment. And then...a dramatic swallow...It's all down.
To her...it's not a...a...commitment...she does these things just because she thinks...I'll giggle and laugh...because she's my Big Sister and she'll do all sorts of weird whimsical things to make me and her friends laugh...such a sweet and gentle soul...How could I be so lucky and unlucky at the same time?
If I can't keep this horrid secret, keep this disgusting feeling within me...Everything will be ruined...
Oh how life is cruel...so cruel...to give me such a wonderful, kind...beautiful, Sister...and curse me with these feelings...these desires...these...urges...
...Everything that I have...that we have with each other...if you knew...we could never go back
Yui coughs. "Ehhhhh! Ui...how could you do that?" she cries...But I know well enough...she's not really mad or sad. I suppose that will probably be the best I will be getting today isn't it? "Yui...Sis...I'll get us some Ice Cream..." My lips curl up into a small smile as I touch her hand lightly. She wins again. Aren't I always caving like this? "Eh?! Really?" She gasps, a bright smile adorning hers. "Thank youuuuu Ui Sis! You're the beeeeeeest!" she calls happily as I walk into the kitchen, pausing for a moment...
...How can I be the best? When these feelings are overwhelming my thoughts. If only you knew
What was it that our English Literature teacher told us about in class? He was speaking of a famous play written by an old dead Englishman...Shakespeare was it? He told us about the play...Hamlet, how the hero held the skull of his childhood acquaintance...Yorik...yes...About how the young prince gave his famous soliloquy...To be...Or Not to be...Yes, an excellent question...
Sister...what would you think if you knew?...
I strolled back into the living room with two bowls of different Ice cream, my gaze wanders to Yui, seeing her with a little unpleasant look. "Whats?-" I stop mid sentence, looking at her plate. It's been cleaned off, every last piece of Broccoli was gone. "Ah...Big Sis!" My lips curl into a bight smile, she would have gotten the Ice Cream anyways...but she ate the rest...just for me. She looks over to me, both of us smiling...and then. "...Ice Cream!" she shouts bubbly, raising her hands up impatiently.
...Nothing would be the same anymore would it? There would be no hugs...no smiles...no more sleeping together at night
It was a question I had asked myself...once...maybe all these pain would go away if I could just...not...be...anymore. Maybe then Yui would remember me like her diligent, delightful Sister...and not...like something...something like that.
Because none of it would be innocent anymore...none of it could have the same, carefree...loving attitude that it once did...
I feel it then, another giggle, another laugh, coming right up again. And I hand Yui her bowl and set mine down before I think I'm going to drop them. "Ahhhh~!" She puts a whole spoonful in her mouth and relaxes happily at the table. "'Tso Goooooof" she mumbles with the spoon still in her mouth. And then I can't restrain my giggles. "Yui...you don't change at all..." I wipe a tear from my eye and taste my own Ice cream.
And then I imagined the pain Yui would feel, to be ripped away from her only Sister so painfully, so abruptly...I...I could never do something so wretched to her...the image of a sobbing Yui, crying for real...I could never do that to Big Sister.
...Would you even look at me the same?
But what about my feelings? Will I have to suffer watching Yui marry another, handsome boy. Someone else that can give her what I could never? Is that the only thing that will bury these wretched thoughts? I don't want to have to watch Yui grow up and not need me anymore...
I look down to my Ice Cream, only a few bites I've taken. Yui has enthusiastically almost finished her own bowl, her lecherous eyes looking over to mine...for more. "Say...Ui..." she chimes in ever so innocently..."Yes?" I ask, chuckling already, knowing her question. "Can I have a bite of yours?" she asks excitedly, a slight plead in her voice. How can I say no to her? Have I ever? "Yes."
Don't you see Yui Big Sister? That all you need to do is ask and I would do anything for you?...anything...
Please...please Yui Big Sister...please don't ever not need me? I don't want to be left alone. If you find someone else...then you won't need me...won't you? And if you don't need me...what happens to us? I want to have Big Sister to myself forever...It's so selfish of me...I wish I could be that selfish
"Ah~!" She opens her mouth to me...for a moment I deadpan. But...should I expect anything less from Big Sister? "Yui..." I whisper reluctantly, as if trying to decipher if she really is waiting for what I think. "Ahhhhhhh~!" she cries louder, shaking back and forth a little. I sigh and pick up my spoon, laden with Ice Cream and deposit it within her mouth, her lips immediately clamping down on said utensil. "O-Oi Yui Big Sister!" I protest.
Oh...the things I wish I could selfishly have to myself. It's so wrong to everyone else. It's an affront to society. These feelings are disgusting. Why do I have them? Why do they feel so warm and right? Shouldn't I be disgusted? I am disgusted at myself, but that's not what I feel. Why?
...Oh, so selfish...but only in my dreams and my thoughts will I ever be able to carry out these sinful fantasies...
Her lips clasp firmly around the spoon, my fingers almost along with it as she feeds on the sweet creamy deliciousness. My cheeks turn pink as I feel my Sister's soft lips pressed on my fingers. "Y-Yui..." I whisper, more embarrassed then upset or dismayed, a normal reaction one might have. Soon it becomes apparent I will need to remove it myself. I pull back with my hand, until eventually the silverware slips from your lips with a light 'pop'
...There will never be a reality for these fantasies...how could there be? You wouldn't accept this
How could anybody? Understand what I'm feeling? Nobody could know how lonely and empty it is to feel this way about their kin. And yet every day I'm showered in affection. It's so wrong. To feel what I feel even though you care for me so deeply...but you don't care the way I want you to...
How could you?...
I hold the spoon up to myself, seeing it covered in my Sister's saliva. "Y-Yui...how am I suppose to use my spoon now?" I ask nervously, fidgeting with my other hand. "Oh? Is there something wrong with it Ui?" she asks absentmindedly. "It has your...saliva on it..." I utter. "So?" she asks obliviously. My face flushes further, unsure if I should be embarrassed of Big Sister's flippant reaction or...
...or what?
It's just that...It has Yui Big Sister's saliva on it now...if I eat my ice cream with it...it would be like...a...an indirect...kiss....
Isn't that what you want?...
More then anything
I scoop the Ice Cream into my mouth, I savor the sweet flavor on my lips. But this time...the taste is different, just lightly. It's Yui I realize. That she's making the Ice Cream different. Is this what Big Sister...tastes like? Slowly my face get's redder and I feel some more tears escape my eyes. Everything is just so...overwhelming..."Eh? Ui, Sis! What's wrong?! Oh It's the spoon! I'm so sorry Ui!" she cried apologetically, reaching over to pull me into an embrace.
Can't you see the real reason I'm hurting Yui? My sweet sister? Oh, my heart contracts so horribly. It's no physical pain. It's so much worse. To be so close...yet so far. This emotional pain is unbearable. Forbidden from my desire.
...Can't you see I love you Yui, Big Sister?
...More then anything...
XOXOXOXO
Author's Notes:
The events of the story are told in short dialogue paragraphs, with Ui's thoughts written in between, and her subconscious speaks in Italics.
Hello. If you have subscribed to this channel, then I am pleased to say that I have decided on complete inspiration to make a new work at the dead of night before I lost the motivation to write this piece.
And I am indeed planning on writing another chapter.
If you have seen my other (Amateurish) enteries then you know I have a sort of...fascination with Incestous couples. And this story sort of poured into my imagination after watching K-On. Ui is such a cute character, I couldn't help but imagine the two of them in this pairing. But to be perfectly honest, the actual events I imagined are what take place in what I want to be another chapter. This is what happens to be a Prelude I thought up later which would lead into that chapter much, much better I thought.
Or at least, I hope.
-If you notice something. I've not used any Japanese in this, you might even notice how Ui says "Yui Big Sister" it seems off in English, but that is a somewhat translation of how "Yui Onee-san" would come off in English.
I take a commitment to writing in full English, as only people obsessed with anime create such amateurish works where they include random Japanese words because they think it is cute. It's not cute. And I am also trying to keep In-character, hence why Ui says "Yui Big Sister" (Onee-san translates to Big Sister). Through the anime though, Yui refers to Ui as simply, "Ui" and does not use honorifics.
I'm really glad I decided to put the effort into this even though it is so late. I've felt unproductive as of late and this really felt...Exciting to write.