Disclaimer: I do not own any of the fictional characters, or any unoriginal plot or ideas, except for my O.C./self insert, Agent Lightning, and the various narrators.
Important Note: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! (just kidding!)
Getting to the point, this fic's rating has jumped to M!
(Darth Vader style) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ah, whatever. It's about time I wrote an M rated fic, I'm in freakin' college for crying out loud!
Sage Lightning Presents...
Now with 500% more profanity...
A Chunnin Exam Parody
Wait, that's the title? Title name fail detected...
...sorry, I'll shut up, just don't kill me!
Disclaimer: The former narrator has just been killed. A new one shall take his place.
An angry, human looking being paced around the Continuum courtroom in a panic. A golden flash that appeared next to him heralded the the arrival of his fellow Omnipotent.
"NAYRU! He's at it again! He might even disrupt the Trial (read You've Just Crossed the Line! III for that to make sense)! WE'VE GOT TO PUT A STOP TO HIM THIS INSTANT!
"Calm down, Q. I'll force him into an alternate tangent." Nayru replied calmly.
As Nayru began to chant in rapid Hylian, Q asked himself, "Now why didn't I think of that?"
Nayru finished her spell. "You didn't because you lost the ability to think in your panic and rage. Besides, he can't meddle in anything outside of this tangent, so let's just let him win this time."
Part I: The First Exam
The tense impatience inside of the location of the first exam could almost be tasted. Ten ninja had already died in some of the fights that had broken out, and unless the exam started soon more would follow.
Suddenly, a generic looking ninja growled and threw a kunai at a red haired Suna nin with a gourd on his back. Gaara's automatic sand defense caught the kunai and threw it out of a window, accidentally killing Sakura Haruno's evil mother. Much rejoicing would follow, but not for the generic genin.
"Mother is pissed..."Gaara whispered, "and she WANTS YOUR BLOOD! SAND COFFIN!"
Gaara sent his signature attack at the foolish and expendable genin, who instantly died as a result.
After that scuffle, the proctor finally arrived. The Konoha ninja paled as they saw who it was, and could swear they heard the infamous Imperial Death March theme as he walked to the front of the room.
"Alright you filthy maggots!" Ibiki roared. "Shut up or get the hell out! My name is Ibiki, and I will be your doom...and your proctor for this exam!"
Several ninja immediately committed suicide.
"You're a pathetic bunch! You make me sick!" He roared again as his assistants cleared the room of the bodies.
"For those of you who are not going to kill yourselves, this will be a written exam, testing your overall knowledge of the ninja way! There are ten questions. Nine of them are on the paper that is being handed to you, while the tenth question will be administered when there are ten minutes left on this exam. Now, if you are caught ch-"
Ibiki was interrupted when a dozen ROOT ANBU suddenly appeared and assassinated Naruto.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Ibiki roared. He had really come to admire the kid for being able to go through twelve years of hell and still be somewhat sane.
"We are saving Ko-" The ROOT member began to explain but was interrupted by his sudden death.
Every ninja in the room turned and looked the cause of the ROOT's death: the shy heiress, Hinata Hyuuga. Except she had suddenly acquired a bluish-whitish aura around her, and had managed to kill the other eleven ROOT while everyone had turned to look at her.
Back at his headquarters, Danzo received the feeling that he had just signed his own death warrant. He considered going to his new ally, the Hidden Sound Village, but decided that he was fine where he was.
Back at the first exam, everyone was crapping their pants. Hinata had also decided to kill the team from Sound with an odd bluish beam of light, while yelling "Kamehameha" or something like that. Even Ibiki was scared.
One of his assistants muttered, "Stupid fangirl..."
Ibiki, whose face was a pale white, shook his head and replied, "That's no fangirl, she really l-"
But he would never get the chance to finish because Hinata unleashed a beam of energy so powerful, that it was over 9000 on the chakra scale! The Narutoverse exploded, killing everyone.
THE END?
In the void that was once the Narutoverse, a person appeared in a flash of lightning.
"Of all the people to do that, who knew it'd be Hinata." The mysterious, and apparently omnipotent figure chuckled.
"Well, if I want my fun to continue I guess I had better revive this universe."
And with a snap of his fingers, the Narutoverse reappeared. But something seemed off about it...
Q sat on his throne in the Continuum courtroom, a look of barely controlled rage evident on his face.
"'Oh, let's just let him win this time, at least he's not affecting the Trial.'" Q pseudo-quoted mockingly.
"Well we saw the results of that, Nayru! If he does anything even close to that again I'm going to kick his ass!"
Nayru just sighed and shook her head while Q proceeded to list the various ways he would destroy the Author Sage Lightning.
Back to the first exam, already in progress...
The genin ninja sat at their desks, frantically trying to get the information necessary to finish the written exam and not get caught cheating. Their methods included various jutsus, puppets, and even Force persuasion. Wait a moment...Force persuasion?
"You will pass us all." Anakin Skywalker muttered as he waved his hand at Ibiki.
Ibiki, who looked mildly confused at the strange new arrival, roared, "What kind of weak minded fool do you take me for? YOU FAIL!"
Anakin frowned, and then activated his lightsaber.
"Does this say I fail?" He menaced.
"Interesting...all right, you pass. All of you pass! And I recommend that each of you try to kill this fucker right here in the second exam!" Ibiki announced as he pointed to Anakin.
Anakin was not amused. He threw his lightsaber into the crowd of ninja, killing fifty of them, including Sakura Haruno. And while even more rejoicing would follow, Anakin decided that he hated the Narutoverse. So, he Force ran out of the parody.
Part II: The Forest of...Gorons?
After Anakin departed the Narutoverse, the window nearest to Ibiki shattered. A large poster declaring the arrival of one Mitarashi Anko, and the woman herself appeared from the wreckage.
"All right you..." She paused to count how many ninja were in the room.
"You passed A HUNDRED ninja, Ibiki? A HUNDRED? What the hell happened?"
Ibiki looked almost sheepish.
"Well...some crazy shit happened, that's what!" he replied.
"Like what?" Anko asked.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you..." Ibiki said, causing Anko to raise one of her eyebrows.
Anko let the subject drop, as she turned her attention to the large crowd in front of her.
"All right maggots, listen up! The next exam will take place in the training grounds known as the 'Forest of Death'. Be there in an hour, or be disqualified!"
She jumped out of the window, accidentally killing the evil council member duo Koharu and Homura upon her landing. Fireworks filled the sky moments afterward.
One hour later, about seventy of the one hundred ninja were assembled at the gates leading into hell...I mean the Forest of Death. Several of the ninja had soiled themselves in fear. But they would be afraid no longer, because Anko summoned three highly venomous snakes to put them out of their misery after explaining the exam rules.
"Now that we are all here, and have signed the release forms..." she was interrupted by one of her assistants, who showed her two forms.
"Okay...who signed their names as 'Uchihas should automatically be promoted to Chuunin', and 'Ramen lover the Fifth Hokage of awesomeness, believe it!'?"
Sasuke let out a "Hn." while Naruto nervously chuckled.
"I hope you two die a most painful death in the Forest." Anko said venomously.
"Anyways, all stupidity aside, and with the rules of this exam behind us, let the exam begin!"
The ninja rushed into the forest, intent on finding a good place to plan their strategies. But as Anko turned to leave the gates, a large brown boulder fell out of the sky and squished her!
With the Sand Siblings...
Gaara, Kankuro, and Temari ran into a rival team from the Hidden Mist about five minutes into the exam.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Gaara laughed insanely, "MORE BLOOD FOR MOTHER! SAND COFFIN!"
But just before his sand could destroy the unimportant Mist ninja, three more round, brown boulders fell from the sky and squished them! After getting over his shock of viewing that random event, Kankuro picked up their enemy's scroll that had been flung aside by the impact.
"Well, at least we now have both scrolls." He said in an almost disappointed tone.
"But...Mother didn't get to eat..." Gaara rasped. "SAND COFFIN!"
The other two gasped as Gaara's sand now sped towards them.
"Oh, shit! Run Kankuro, fucking run!" Temari screamed as they started to run like hell.
And that is how the Sand Siblings got to the tower in a record time.
With Team Eight...
Kiba, Shino, and Hinata had watched the three boulders squish the Mist team from a safe distance, but they were confused as to what they were. They had had little time to think on it seeing as they were also running away from Gaara at the moment.
"I looked at them with my Byakugan, but they had no chakra." Hinata stated as their team stopped to rest on the forest floor.
"My insects could detect no chakra either." Shino added.
"Woof, woof woof!" Akamaru barked.
Kiba frowned for a moment before translating, "Akamaru said they were alive...but we should concentrate on finding a way to get that other scroll first."
Shino and Hinata voiced their agreement, but before they could begin doing so, an evil sounding chuckle suddenly rang out from behind them.
A tall, dark tan skinned man in what appeared to be black colored desert clothing slowly walked up to them. And the three ninja's instincts quickly told them that they were royally screwed. Or, it could have been the evil sounding pipe organ music that had appeared from nowhere.
"You three have stumbled onto my secret plot to raise hell by squishing people with Gorons." Ganondorf accused. "I can not let you live to tell anyone about it! HA HA HA-"
Ganondorf began to cough hoarsely while Team Eight did an anime sweat drop.
"Ahh...that's better," he finally said after drinking from a flask. "I really wish Miyamoto had programmed cough drops into the game...but now, you DIE!"
Ganondorf shot a beam of purplish energy at the three. But, because Hinata is one of the Author's favorite characters, Orochimaru appeared and blocked it using his Creepy Gay Snake Man force field.
The background music suddenly switched to a Western showdown theme, as Orochimaru said, "Now wait just one moment. This forest isn't big enough for TWO super powerful evil villians!"
Ganondorf sneered for a moment.
"Agreed."
And as the two super villians began to beat the crap out of each other, Team Eight slowly crept away from the madness.
With Team Seven...(end theme music, of course)
While Team Seven was now short a member...no, no more fireworks! Well, maybe a few more...They had still managed to get their second scroll. But as they made their way to the Tower, a "boulder" fell on top of Sasuke, killing him!
"Oh, crap!" Naruto yelled as he stopped to try and help Sasuke.
"Naruto you dumbass! Of course I'm still alive; Uchihas can't d-"
But Sasuke suddenly died (hopefully), when Link came riding into the the clearing they were in on Epona, mistook Sasuke's head for an enemy, and sliced it off.
"You idiot! Sasuke isn't a bad guy!" Naruto shouted at Link.
"Oops...heh, heh. I do have the Triforce of Courage, not Wisdom, after all." Link defended himself weakly.
Link suddenly took a closer look at the boulder.
"What's a Goron doing here? It must be the work of Ganondorf! Ride, Epona, ride!"
And Link galloped away to find Ganondorf and defeat him, leaving a confused Naruto behind. But unfortunately, some people just don't know when to die...
"Hey, I'm STILL alive!" Sasuke's head taunted. "What now, huh?"
A defeated Ganon then fell out of the sky and landed on Sasuke's head, finally killing the bastard with his body's immense weight.
Part Three: Danzo's Deviation
Once the genin that managed to survive the Goron filled forest had arrived in the Tower's arena, Konoha's Third Hokage appeared to give a speech.
"Hem hem." Hiruzen cleared his throat as he prepared to talk to the ninja in front of him. "I see that we have a large amount of extremely talented..."
"What? Are you including the orange failure and my worthless cousin in that category, Sarutobi?" Neji said with blatant disrespect.
Many of the genin gasped at that, and two of them started to have visible chakra auras surround them. While Gai, and several other Jounin ninja began to yell at Neji, the Third had other worries on his mind.
'Oh, damn. Ibiki wasn't kidding about Hinata.' Hiruzen thought in horror. 'I better come up with some kind of bullshit to stop Naruto and Hinata before we all die again!'
The Third coughed again to get everyone's attention.
"As of right now, Neji Hyuuga is disqualified for being an asshole."
And while that made many ninja laugh at Neji's epic fail, Neji certainly wasn't laughing. He activated his Byakugan, and sent a chakra coated palm thrust at Naruto's heart. Time seemed to slow as Neji's palm got closer...closer...
Time actually stopped.
A flash of lightning heralded the arrival of the mysterious omnipotent from earlier in this parody. The mystery person took out a sharp stake with a sign that read "Congratulations, you have just won Third Place in the Biggest Asshole in the Multiverse contest", and stabbed it in Neji's heart. And while time remained frozen he took out a red rose, scribbled a note on it ("To Hinata, from Naruto"), and gave it to Hinata.
He then snapped his fingers...
And Neji fell to the floor, dead.
"Good riddance, I really hated him." The mysterious figure said with ill concealed delight.
Everyone stood where they were, shocked by the unforeseen event, at least until the Third exclaimed: "Who the hell are you?"
All eyes fell on the figure.
"My name...hmmm...I guess you could call me Agent Lightning, Agent of chaos, King of bullshit, and doer of the Great Author's will.
"Do you mean Kishimoto?" An odd man with white hair and red markings on his face asked.
"No, Jiraiya, I mean Sage Lightning. I am his alter ego, or at least one of them..."
Agent Lightning turned to Hinata.
"You may want to look at what is in your hands..."
Hinata looked at what she was holding...
...and screamed as a thousand kunai rushed at herself and Naruto!
But before they could hit the two, Agent Lightning created a black hole which sent the kunai to the winner of the Multiverse's Biggest Asshole contest. But Danzo used his hax sharingan abilities to stay alive.
"Danzo, didn't you learn your lesson the first time you and your group tried that?" Agent Lightning said while shaking his head in disappointment.
"Indeed I did." Danzo replied. "I wonder where the Hokage has gone to..."
Everyone looked for Hiruzen, but he had seemingly vanished.
"Okay, you outwitted me with that opening distraction. Where is he, Danzo?" Agent Lightning asked in a soft but dangerous tone of voice.
"Where someone of his age and mind belongs, the Konoha Mental Hospital."
Naruto suddenly sprouted two tails of the Kyuubi's chakra, but returned to normal when Agent Lightning moved his hand in a lowering gesture.
"I'll handle this...bastard." Agent Lightning promised while everyone was in awe of his apparent power.
"That's what you think." Danzo scoffed. "I'll hit you with my most secret, awesomest jutsu ev-
INTERMISSION
Disclaimer: Hi...
END INTERMISSION
"Wh-what?" Danzo sputtered as his kidneys, liver, and intestines suddenly imploded inside of his body.
"And now, take it from here, CDI-Ganon." Agent Lightning requested as he snapped his fingers again and disappeared.
A badly animated version of Ganondorf appeared in his place.
"I will make your face DIE!" he said as he shot some badly animated lightning bolts at Danzo.
"NO! NOT THE BADLY ANIMATED CDI ATTACKS! IT BURNS!" Danzo cried as his face died.
The CDI horror disappeared, but the damage had been done. Nearly half of the genin had died from the sheer stupidity that had occurred during this chapter. But that also meant there was now no need for any preliminary matches.
As they began to leave the Tower, Hinata finally got a good look at what she was carrying. Ten seconds later, she fainted and turned the same shade of red as the flower.
Matches of the Chunnin Exam Finals:
Naruto vs. ? (I'm an evil author, MWHAHAHA!)
Shikamaru vs. Temari
Shino vs. Burt Gummer(WTF?)
Hinata vs. Davy Jones (WTF times 2!)
Gaara vs. Palpatine (I'm just plan craaazy. MWHAHAHA!)
Part Four: Attack of the Republicans!
Disclaimer: This part of the story is not meant to be a political statement. George W. Bush and Co. are just so easy to make fun of. Also, timeline wise, this is set in 2007.
It had been one month since Danzo's 123,654,800,098 ½ th and final attempt to kill Naruto, and many foreign rulers were pouring into Konoha from all over the world.
One of them, however, was actually complaining about having to watch the event.
"Uh, why'd I have to go? I'd rather be counting mah barrels of oil and plotting more useless wars with mah neoconservative buddies!" George W. Bush complained loudly.
His Vice President, Dick Cheney, replied: "Well, because you got pwned by the neocons in a game of Texas hold 'em, and you're retarded."
George W. looked hurt as they drove through Konoha's front gate in their Presidential Limo.
"Uh, well so are you!" He retorted.
Now it was Cheney's turn to be angry.
"You have no proof-wait, stop the Limo, I see a fox that needs to be shot!"
Cheney grabbed his shotgun as the Limo screeched to a halt. The Vice President jumped out of the vehicle, quickly took aim, and fired. But unfortunately, what he hit was actually not a fox. Well...sort of.
"Oww..." Naruto moaned as he clutched the bullet hole in his stomach that Kyuubi refused to heal. The demon fox was feeling rather suicidal that day.
Naruto dropped onto the ground in a pool of his own blood. And from somewhere in the distance, a loud shriek was heard.
"Uh, Cheney," Bush muttered, "It's time to go."
The two quickly got back into their limousine and told the driver to drive like hell back to the jet. But before they could leave Konoha, a bluish blur attacked their car and blew it up, killing the driver, Cheney, and leaving George W. Bush flying hundreds of feet into the air, alive for the moment at least.
"Ah, fuck you Konoha!" George W. ranted. "When I get back to America, I'm declaring war on you little shits! I'll nuke the sh-!"
He stopped his rant as he hit the ground and splattered into flesh, blood, and oil.
Konoha Hospital
Hinata rushed into the waiting room, carrying a bloodied Naruto in her arms.
"Help! I need a doctor, he's going to die!"
The receptionist behind the front window took one glance at Naruto before coldly replying,
"Sorry, I don't care if you're the Hyuuga princess, but we're not helping any demons today."
The receptionist smirked to herself, and then suddenly died as Hinata sent a beam of blue energy through the window.
"WHO ELSE DOESN'T WANT TO HELP THE DEMON?" Hinata roared as doctors and nurses began pouring into the waiting room to help Naruto.
After about four hours of surgery, nurses being flung from fifth story windows, and other chaos, Naruto woke up.
"Wha...what happened?" he weakly asked no one in particular.
Hinata, who had been waiting for him to wake up, grinned.
"Two foreign dumbasses attacked you, but I killed them!"
Naruto looked shocked at first, but then said, "Creepy...but cool! Thanks-"
But before he could finish his sentence, the Third walked into Naruto's room.
"Old Man, you're alive!"
The Third nodded.
"Of course I'm alive! I've just gotten back from my War on Paperwork, in which many proud ANBU lost their own lives instead."
Naruto looked at Hinata, who then looked at Kakashi who had just entered through the window. Their collective reaction to the Old Man's bullshit was...
"What the FUCK?"
"Yeah, yeah. Why don't you try doing some of this paperwork; it's evil I tell you, EVIL!"
The Third cleared his throat before continuing, "Well, anyways. We have a bit of a problem here. There's no way that Naruto is going to recover in time enough to participate in his match, so I have hired someone else to take his place."
"What!" Naruto shouted "But I was going to become Chuunin, believe it!"
"If you quit shouting 'Believe it!', I'll automatically promote you to Chuunin."
"Deal!" Naruto agreed as the Third tossed him a flak jacket.
"Now then, I've hired somebody extremely powerful and Agent Lightning, who will likely kick that person's ass anyways, to replace your match, which has been moved to the last one of the first round. And if you'll excuse me, I have to work out a truce with my mortal enemy, paperwork."
As Hiruzen Sarutobi walked away, Hinata blew Naruto a kiss before teleporting herself to the stadium to watch the exams. And Kakashi pulled out his favorite orange book and jumped out of the window, randomly killing 3,000 civilians upon hitting the ground.
"Heh, everyone's insane around here." Naruto complained as he began to fall asleep.
Part Five: The Chunnin Exam Final-Matches 1 and 2.
The audience had assembled at Konoha stadium. An impatient buzzing filled the stadium as the minutes until the official starting time of the finals ticked away. All of the participating "genin ninja" had assembled, and were waiting on the competitor's balcony.
"This had better be worth my one day ashore-ah!" Davy Jones, the squid-faced Captain of the Flying Dutchman growled.
"Neh, it's not." Shikamaru replied lazily.
Davy Jones growled some more while he killed a passing hot dog vendor with Norrington's sword.
Finally Genma, the proctor of the finals, appeared on the field.
"Welcome to the finals of the Chunnin exams. Our first match of the day will be Shikamaru Nara vs. Temari of the Sand."
A rowdy member of the Audience shouted, "You suck!".
He and several others close to him were killed by a randomly thrown exploding kunai. Meanwhile, Temari floated down to the arena on her giant fan, while Shikamaru was pushed down by Kiba. Shikamaru began grumbling about overly hyper Inuzukas, and the fact that he always has to fight a girl.
"AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" Temari angrily yelled.
'This should be fun to watch' Genma thought as he jumped fifty feet away.
"Shikamaru vs. Temari...fight!"
Temari, who was extremely pissed off, waved her fan and created a 2,000 mile per hour wind gust that imploded the section of the Audience behind where Shikamaru was, killing 10,000 civilians. Shikamaru, however, escaped harm by...using a jet pack!
"Is that the best crap you can come up with to make this a one sided fight?" Temari taunted the Author.
The Author Sage Lightning promptly responded by giving Shikamaru a cell phone, who then texted the word "PWNAGE" to the service known as the K.G.B. Fifty disgruntled former Soviet scientists appeared and made a robot who looked, spoke, and attacked like Pain of Akatsuki. The robot then used the attack, "Shinra Tensei!", which blasted Temari against the arena walls, knocking her out cold.
"Hey proctor!" Kankuro angrily shouted from the competitor's box. "That was...uh...fifty two against one!"
Shikamaru landed on the arena floor, and then defended himself: "No, it wasn't. I used a never before seen device called a Cell Phone to use the service known as the 'Knowledge Generation Bureau', who, under my orders, created that robot. Sheesh...troublesome."
The Audience all had confused looks on their faces that screamed "What the fuck has he been smoking?". But Hiruzen, up in the Kage's balcony, began to applaud Shikamaru.
"Bravo! Anyone who can come up with that much bullshit deserves to be Chuunin! Congratulations, here's your flak jacket!"
The Third tossed the jacket at Shikamaru, who decided that it was too troublesome to ask why he had actually been promoted and caught it.
Five Minutes Later...
"All right, the next match is between Shino Aburame and Burt Gummer." Genma announced.
A swarm of bugs flew into the arena and materialized into Shino. The Audience immediately responded by throwing up all over the place.
"I hate you all too." Shino stated.
A loud rumbling then filled the arena. As Shino turned to look at the arena entrance, a large brown and green ("camouflage colored") tank rolled towards him, equipped with automatic machine guns, several mini ICBM launchers, and a 30" gun. The hatch opened, and Burt Gummer, who was wearing his customary sunglasses, poked his head out.
"Yeah, I'm here!"
He then closed the hatch of his tank, and lowered his gun at Shino, who was about ready to piss his pants...and he had NEVER shown any emotion before.
"Uhh..." Genma leapt onto the competitor's balcony this time. "Shino Aburame vs. Burt Gummer...it was nice knowing you Shino...fight!"
Shino sent out a barrage of his most acidic insects and sent them at Burt's tank. As they approached, however, Burt opened fire with his machine guns, killing every single one.
"You...killed my best insects..."
Suddenly a random voice cried, "Huh? Shino is evolving!"
Shino had begun to glow a bright white, and also change form. Burt realized the potential danger, and shot a 30 inch shell at Shino. But it just bounced off as Shino grew larger...larger...larger...
"Congratulations!" The random voice cried out again. "Your Shino has just evolved into Mothra! Good luck handling that, because without Godzilla nearby you're screwed! Hahahahaha!
Burt let out a muffled, "I don't need Godzilla to handle that!" as "Mothra" flew high into the sky.
As "Mothra" began to gather energy for a massive laser attack, Burt launched one of his mini ICBMs. The nuclear missile hit "Mothra" and created a massive explosion, killing Shino and anything electrical (except for Burt's EMP shielded tank) within fifty miles. But since Shino had flown almost a mile into the sky, there was no damage from the blast in Konoha.
As the explosion began to fade, most of the Audience cried out, "HOLY SHIT!"
Tenten, however, said: "Where can I get one of those? That RULED!"
As the Audience began to get over its shock, Burt popped his head out of the tank again and chucked, "And to think people call me paranoid."
Part Six: The Chuunin Exam Finals Part II- Matches 3 and 4
After a three hour delay in which the Konoha Electric Co. struggled to restore power to the Village, Genma finally stepped into the arena to announce the next match.
"Will Davy Jones and Hinata Hyuuga please make their way to the arena."
Davy Jones, through the awesome powers of his pipe organ music (it makes any villain seem awesome, just look at Ganondorf), appeared in the middle of the arena in half a second. Hinata, however, was seriously debating whether she wanted to face the squid-faced Captain.
"Oh no." Davy Jones began to rant. "I'm wasting the only day in ten years that I can go ashore-ah to fight in this pathetic exam. So then, Hinata; do you fear death? Do you fear that dark abyss-ah?"
Davy Jones glanced at the competitor's balcony to see if she was trembling in fear...but she wasn't there!
"Davy Jones vs. Hinata Hyuuga...fight!" Genma announced, before heading to the nearest bomb shelter.
"What the hell-ah?" Davy Jones spat as he turned around...
...only to get hit with a massive jet of blue energy which blew him into the arena wall.
As Davy Jones began to climb out of the hole, (which caused many Audience members to faint at seeing him survive that), Hinata said with a crazy grin, "No. I don't fear death. I don't fear anything because...I'm the Author's second favorite character! I have a massive main character shield! Mwhahahahahahaha!"
Davy Jones was unimpressed.
"Well then little girl, did you know that I can't be killed either? So then, have at you!"
Davy Jones drew Norrington's sword and charged at her. Hinata responded by coating her fists with blue energy, and then charging at Davy Jones as well. Hinata raised her fist to block Jones' sword slash, and ended up breaking the sword...and Davy Jones' face. He now had the face of Cutler Beckett. And while many people thought that was an improvement from before, Davy Jones screamed like a little girl.
"Noooo! Not his face-ah! Ah, fuck being undead-ah!"
Davy Jones summoned his heart-chest, opened it with his key, and stabbed his own heart with his pincer.
His last words were: "Nitwit! Oddment! Blubber! Tweak!"
And so it was that Davy Jones died, stabbing his own heart, and vomiting a package of crack.
Up in the audience, Gai saw the package and realized, "HEY! That was my youthful crack!"
Everyone glared at him.
"Uhh...youthful distraction jutsu!" Gai shouted as he threw his heavy 50 million pound shoe at the Civilian Council, killing them all. Gai grabbed Lee and they managed to escape justice during the celebrations following the murder of the Civilian Council.
Over the cheering of the crowd, Genma shouted, "Hinata Hyuuga wins...of course!"
After Two Hours of Massive Partying...
"All right. It's time for Gaara of the Desert and The Emperor Palpatine to make their way to the arena." Genma announced.
Gaara appeared in a swirl of sand, creeping many people out with his ruthlessness, while Palpatine floated onto the arena and just plain scared people with his hideously ugly face.
"Wow..." Genma mumbled. "Well...Gaara of the Desert vs. The Emperor Palpatine...fight!"
And after announcing that, Genma somehow managed to get to Snow Country in one second, and pay Doto ten billion yen so he could lend him a rocket to launch himself into orbit.
Meanwhile, back at the arena, Gaara had sent his sand at Palpatine, who had shot his Force lightning at it and turned the sand into glass.
Gaara's eyebrow twitched.
"Oh shit! Gaara's showing emotion, it's the Apocalypse!" Kankuro screamed before dousing himself in gasoline and setting himself on fire. Temari, however, was so mentally scarred by both of her siblings reactions that she rushed to Shikamaru and kissed him.
For once, Shikamaru wasn't complaining.
After the first exchange, Palpatine drew out his lightsaber and lunged at Gaara. Gaara made a sand clone and used that as substitution jutsu fodder. As Palpatine destroyed the fake Gaara, the real one sent sand shuriken at the old Sith, slashing his shoulders and legs. Palpatine snarled as the sand hit him, and he made an odd floating movement and somehow managed to stab Gaara in the stomach.
Everyone watching (except for Shikamaru and Temari, who were still kissing) gasped as what was held to be impossible was done. Gaara stared at the glowing blade in his stomach with horror and insanity.
"What...is this feeling?" Gaara rasped. "It...it...HURTS!"
And at that, Gaara suddenly was enveloped by a mass of sand that took the form of a one tailed raccoon demon: Shukaku. Palpatine tried to get his lightsaber out, but ended up barely saving himself.
Up in the Kage's balcony, the "Kazekage" growled in annoyance before giving a signal. The invasion of Konoha had begun.
Part Seven: Epic Insanity
After the battle of Konoha, no one in the entire Narutoverse would ever remember that there was even a battle at all. The fight, and the subsequent interference of omnipotent beings, destroyed the very fabric of reality several times over. But, you people reading this get to know exactly what happened in that most epicly insane battle.
Orochimaru's trap was sprung. Sound and Sand ninja began pouring over the supposedly mighty walls of Konoha. Gigantic snakes were summoned to destroy random shit. And most importantly of all...Orochimaru had taken the old fool Sarutobi himself hostage, surrounded by an impenetrable barrier. The Old Man was surely terrified and...was laughing...
For some reason, Orochimaru felt dumb.
"Is that all you've got? Hahahaha!"
"Silence you old fool! You fail to realize that you're trapped inside my barrier, and that I will destroy both you and Konoha!" Orochimaru hissed.
"And now..." Orochimaru began to make some hand signs, and then three caskets suddenly appeared.
The Third looked shocked for a second, before shouting, "Bullshit cannon no jutsu!"
A potato appeared out of nowhere and began to fire massive green laser blasts at the coffins. All three were destroyed.
"What...but...that's..." Orochimaru stuttered.
"Yup." Sarutobi grinned. "While I may be known as 'the Professor', I am actually the Professor of Bullshit, and was trained by the KING of Bullshit himself, Agent Lightning! And now..."
But before Sarutobi could begin his jutsu, a black and red laser blast appeared out of nowhere and killed the old Hokage! As Orochimaru began to celebrate, a black and yellow laser appeared and killed him too.
The beings responsible for the two laser blasts stared at each other, floating above the Kage balcony, before uttering,
"Agent Lightning."
"Q."
Back on the arena floor, the Shukaku smashed his hands around wildly, trying to crush Palpatine. Palpatine by this point had realized that he was fairly screwed, so his efforts concentrated on escaping from the Narutoverse. As he reached the arena door, Shukaku managed to grab him. No amount of Force could save Palpatine at that point, as Shukaku threw him into his mouth and ate him.
Meanwhile, Shikamaru and Temari had finally stopped kissing and were met by the sights and sounds of war. After a few shouts of "What the fuck?", the two resigned themselves to the situation.
"Hmm...as troublesome as it is to ask this, should we start fighting each other?" Shikamaru lazily asked.
Temari thought for a moment before answering, "Nah. Fuck Sand Country."
The two disappeared to Snow Country, where they paid Doto to construct another rocket so they could launch themselves into orbit like Genma had done.
Shukaku began to attack any and all ninja around him, and had also killed 50,000 civilians in the process. He grabbed the entire Hyuuga Council as they attempted to flee, and threw them into the Konoha Hospital. It was that act that woke Naruto up, and he was determined to show himself worthy of the Chuunin rank. And so he dashed to the arena to face Shukaku.
When he arrived, he saw Hinata attempting to kill the one tailed Demon, but her powers seemed diminished somehow.
"Hey, Hinata! Let's attack this bastard together!" Naruto called out to her.
Hinata, of course, agreed. Naruto turned into his one tailed state, while Hinata gathered what energy she could. The two of them sent a combined beam of energy that was so powerful that it atomized Shukaku and opened a dimensional portal. As the two celebrated their apparent victory, two highly muscled men jumped out of the portal. One of them, who was named Vegeta, had an odd device on his eye...and it was going haywire over the power levels of the two above the Kage balcony.
"Hey Vegeta, what does the scouter say about those two floating figures' power levels?"
Vegeta took a look, and then crushed the scouter in his hand, accidentally blinding himself.
"FUCK! MY EYE!"
"I don't give a shit about your eye, what the fuck did the fucking scouter say about their fucking power levels?" The unknown muscled dude roared.
"It's over NINE THOUSAND GOOGOLPLEX!" Vegeta roared back.
The other guy turned around, obviously shocked. He then committed suicide by hitting himself in the head with...A HERRING!
Back above the Kage balcony, Agent Lightning and Q were having a staring contest...
Note: The narrator has just been killed by Q for supposedly making stuff up. Another narrator shall take his place.
"You know..." Q said, "The Third Hokage was supposed to die at Orochimaru's hands in this battle."
Agent Lightning scoffed at his words.
"And the sky is made of cheese...I don't give a crap! Orochimaru should be killed, have his face burned into the pit, and sent into the black hole of Chouji's stomach! Our little proxy war is at an end. DIE!"
And with that, Agent Lightning sent a gamma ray burst at Q. Q summoned an entire nebula, shrank it to the size of a one story building, and shielded himself with that, killing countless trillions. Undaunted, Agent Lightning summoned fifty billion hydrogen bombs and flung those at Q, who deflected them to fall at random places.
The ninja planet exploded.
As the remains spewed forth from the blast, Lightning summoned Burt Gummer again (and made him capable of surviving space, of course). Q retaliated by summoning Chuck Norris.
"Attack!" Both combatants yelled.
Chuck Norris rushed at Burt Gummer, who summoned his pet graboid from out of nowhere. Chuck Norris backed off, giving Burt the time to load his nuke bazooka. Chuck Norris began punching El Blanco, making the graboid blow up into a million pieces, but Burt fired his bazooka at him. The resulting explosion failed to kill Norris initially, but after about a minute, the radiation did.
"Impossible, Chuck Norris is supposed to be invincible!" Q shouted.
Lightning sent Burt back to Perfection, NV.
"For the most part, yes, but not against that high amount of radiation."
"Shit." Q mumbled as Lightning sent the two halves of the asteroid Dottie at Q.
Q began to spin rapidly, so rapidly that the asteroid halves were pulverized. And then both of them fired a gamma ray burst at each other.
The collision of the gamma ray bursts created an odd space/time disruption (think, "All Good Things" Star Trek TNG fans), which began to slowly, but ever more quickly as the two continued their struggle, unravel the entire multiverse.
As Q and Agent Lightning prepared to use all of their power at once, an ocarina began to play. Nayru, sensing the imminent destruction of all existence, had started to play the song of time. Time itself began to move backwards, to a point before the Exam Finals, before the attack of the Republicans, and even before Hinata went crazy with power...and then continued forward as if there was noone interfering at all.
Naruto sat at Ichiraku's ramen, one day before the Chuunin exam finals, scarfing down bowl after bowl of the delicious noodles. But suddenly, he stopped. Something felt...wrong somehow. Like something should have happened, or perhaps never have. After a few moments, he shrugged and continued eating, dismissing those feelings to a case of pre-exam jitters. Boy, was Neji going to get it for what he did to Hinata. And he was going to become a Chuunin, believe it!
THE END