Clarke blinked. I'm alive, she thought. Nightblood works, she tried to smile but it hurt. Becca's lab, she remembered before panicking about getting off the damn island.
Slowly she got up, sitting on the ground at first, exactly where she collapsed. No one stayed back and waited for her. The pirate code, she smirked wondering where she pulled that thought out of. Pirates, she laughed as much as she could, her throat had to be full of boils like her hands were. Better than before she passed out.
What day is it?
She stood, leaning against the metal table she remembered falling off of, her pack still on it. She pulled out the tablet she flung from the top of the radio tower and it whirred to life miraculously but half the screen was broken and she read October 31.
Six days. She's been unconscious six days and all she can think about is Halloween. They didn't have it on the Ark, not the fun costumes or candy the archived movies portrayed, her favorite was Hocus Pocus, her father had a crush on one of the actresses, Clarke didn't remember which and it didn't matter. They celebrated the traditional dia de los Muertos—everyone had a deceased loved one—their custom was death, not unlike the grounders. They didn't celebrate anything more than Unity Day and birthdays on the Ark and Clarke had hoped at one point that maybe they would start celebrating more than that since they were back on Earth but they were fighting for their lives every moment of everyday.
She spent her eighteenth birthday locked up in Mount Weather. Her nineteenth… stuck in this lab hoping Raven spared her some food. There's a shower at least, Becca's people thought that much ahead that they had a bunk and shower and small kitchen because Becca was working on putting her ALIE mistake in her place which should have been as simple as disabling her but the Flame and Nightblood combination was the only effective way to shut her down even though it took a hundred years, they finally did it. Ironically at the most opportune time for her to warn them about Praimfaya but with the wrong timeline.
She opened her mouth and tried to speak but it came out as more of a wheeze. Water, she thought, looking across the room to the stairs where the kitchen was goading her. The memory of Bellamy possibly flirting with her at the top flickered through her thoughts but she blinked it away hoping they all made it. Five years of Bellamy thinking she's dead, five years of her hoping and praying they all made it, trying to make the radio work so they can know she's here waiting for them. That she's alive and she doesn't blame them for leaving her behind. The oxymoron "only choice" being repeated knowing that Bellamy was also thinking it when he closed the door of the rocket. She couldn't blame him, he did what she asked, what he knew was right no matter what he wanted. He did what was right for them and he and Clarke would have done the same while trying not to cry and take it back.
Clarke thought for a while about how to start, does she stay in the lab and ration the Reyes Rations Murphy left in the fridge? Does she go searching for food knowing that the irradiated planet is going to let her down and possibly not return to eat what she can here because it'll go bad by then. She smirked at the song that popped in her head, should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble, if I stay there will be double. Then she remembered that Jasper gave up, letting the radiation devour him. He deserved better. Monty deserved better. Clarke didn't know what he'd do. Everything bad in his life happened to him on the ground, Azgeda killed his dad, killing his mom… twice, lost his lifelong best friend, and now he's back in space. He probably thinks that coming down was a waste of time, that he would have been better off in space all those months, nobody would be dead.
Clarke thought that about Wells and Finn and Lexa, she thought about everyone whose blood was on her hands thinking that maybe if her father got word out that the oxygenator was failing they wouldn't have been sent to the ground. That Nygel had the right part and it could be fixed. What did she know?
She noticed something out of place on the table by the bay doors of the rocket—where it used to be—and stumbled over to it.
CLARKE the folded paper read in Bellamy's block lettering.
She tried swallowing as she blinked back tears but the boils hurt and she couldn't. Cold water might work but Bellamy wrote her a letter.
CLARKE,
WE CAN'T WAIT. AFTER WE ARRIVED BACK WE WATCHED THE RADIATION ROLL OVER ARKADIA AND WE CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE. RAVEN IS SCREAMING AT ME, I'M LEAVING YOU WHAT I'M HOPING IS A MONTH OF RATIONS. I KNOW IT'S NOT MUCH BUT IT'S SOMETHING IF YOU MAKE IT BACK. WE CAN'T SPARE ANYMORE IN CASE YOU DON'T.
HOPE IS A DOUBLE EDGED SWORD. I HOPE YOU SURVIVE SO I CAN SEE YOU AGAIN AND GRIMLY TELL YOU THAT HURRY IS A SHITTY GOODBYE BUT I ALSO HOPE YOU DON'T SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUFFER STARVATION.
"WE ARE MADE TO PERSIST… THAT'S HOW WE FIND OUT WHO WE ARE." – THOBIAS WOLFF. REMINDS ME OF YOU. I PROMISE TO TRY AND THINK BEFORE I ACT.
MAY WE MEET AGAIN, PRINCESS.
YOURS,
BELLAMY
Clarke swiped the tears from her stinging cheeks and folded the paper back over and looked up at the kitchen area of the upstairs. She needed water. She needed food. She had to get upstairs, but she's too weak to make it all the way up there. She has to try, she has to push herself up those steps and get up there and drink water and eat something. She needs to or she'll dehydrate even more and will continue being sick instead of getting better. It'd be easier if there's an IV here but she doubts it. She could easily rehydrate while she slept, feeling the pull of sleep already. Real sleep, not unconscious from an overwhelming amount of radiation.
An hour later Clarke reached the top of the stairs and fell over, laying on the floor trying to catch her breath. Twenty steps and she's drained, it's the dehydration, she kept telling herself, and if she just got to water she'll be okay. If she eats something, she'll be better. The radiation pills, but she shouldn't. She's getting better, she knows that. She can't waste something she might need when everyone comes back. There could be residual radiation or something they wouldn't be accustomed to and need to use it to get better, she can't have anyone die again.
She crawled over to the kitchen and drank three glasses of water before going to the fridge and pulled out one of the plates Murphy left Raven that she didn't eat. She couldn't taste any of what she ate but she felt stronger and more awake and aware, her eyes landing on the radio in the office. She pushed through the door and turned the knob to turn it on and there was silence. The bunker can't hear her, that's known and no matter how much she hated it, she knew it wouldn't change. It cut out while Bellamy was talking to Octavia a week ago. She had to try.
She grabbed the mic and pressed the button, there was a pop of static before it went silent again. She pressed the button again and tried to speak into it. "Th—" she felt a pop in her throat and a rush of liquid shot down her throat. One of the boils in her throat popped and she hoped she could talk, that the radiation in the boil didn't ruin her larynx wasn't compromised. "This is Clarke Griffin," she managed to force out in a hoarse growl. "If anyone is out there… in the… in the bunker or on the Ark, I'm alive in Becca's lab. I might have enough to eat for just over a month… thanks to Bellamy," she scoffed, pulling the mic away. Defeated. She didn't sound like herself, how could anyone believe it's her? "I don't even know if the tower made it through. If it did, it would need repairs and until it's fixed this is pointless. Worth a try, right? Anyway, I'm going to look for an IV and pray that I can rehydrate because this headache is killing me. Hopefully the fluids will help me fight off the radiation. Mom, your vision came true. I'm covered in boils and look absolutely horrible. It's receded in the two hours I've been awake, being unconscious for six days from all the radiation sucked. I honestly thought I was going to die."
Clarke spent the next day on the computer, trying to navigate the system, she didn't understand it like Raven, but she found specs for a portable radio with a personal little satellite, she'll start building that in a few days. She needs a way to see if they made it to the Ark, if she saved everyone. She wanted to know if they're alive. She found out that the tower she climbed up was demolished and she'd need seven other people to put it back together but even then the radio wasn't guaranteed to work so she decided that it'd be better to build the portable one and once she can get to the mainland, she'll be able to transport it while getting the rover working again, finding the specs for that as well. She wished Raven were here to help her, she's the mechanical genius. Clarke has to learn all this, luckily she found a solar panel the same size as the portable satellite that will charge the radio and the tablet that Raven had saved a majority of the specs on for when they came back down. To fix the rover—rebuild by that point—the radios some other things that she and Monty were working on that Clarke didn't understand but they only had so many resources so she doesn't think they can do it all with the little amount of supplies they'll have when they get back.
Clarke had this sinking feeling the next few days, her burns and boils shrinking, her skin smooth where the burns used to be and she was glad the Nightblood worked but she hated being alone, hated the thought of being alone for the next five years.
"Two weeks," she said into the radio the next time she did it. She thought she was insane for doing it, that she was talking to nothing because no one could hear her. Not letting herself think that there was no one there to hear her. "It's been two weeks since Praimfaya and eight days since I woke up. I tried to not do this, feeling that if I didn't then I wouldn't be crazy, but not talking, not thinking that you guys are out there and can hear me… hopefully… and just can't respond still sucks. I found all of Raven's specs on the tablet and the solar panel for charging it and the radio so in a few days I'm thinking that I'm going to leave and start looking for some semblance of greenery on this scorched planet. That's the plan at least."
Clarke grimaced, she couldn't sleep. She wished she could, she has a long day tomorrow. She's leaving the island and going to explore the mainland looking for anything that will aid in her survival. She sat up and reached for the radio, sleeping in the office that always reminded her of when she couldn't say goodbye to her mom and Bellamy hugged her tightly. They've been through so much and her mother will never know how much Clarke appreciated everything she did for her and their people.
"Hey, Bellamy. It's been thirty-seven days since Praimfaya. I'm out of food. I know I should have left sooner to find some so I wouldn't have ran out, I hear your scolding tone, Bellamy. I was working on the portable radio, I wanted it to work before I left and I didn't pay attention to my rations, noticing a few hours ago that I have two MREs left. I might be able to stretch them over a couple days. Pike taught us in Earth Skills that the human body can survive without food for over two months but that's with a surplus of water for hydration. I have three gallons I've prepared for the boat and hopefully I find a stream to refill. I figured I could do twenty-five miles each day, the drone—I didn't tell you about the drone. It works, the radiation messed with the video feed so everything I could see was wonky.
"I've also been opening the doors periodically and found out that was a waste of time because only Becca's bunker had the oxygen generator and you guys took that into space."
Clarke sighed, "I've been sitting on this closer for a month. I still can't believe that I've made it a month. That's off my wake up day. I'm going to sleep before my journey tomorrow and I will keep you informed because you're suck a worry wart. Oh, and Bellamy, hurry back."
Clarke placed the radio in her pack, preparing for tomorrow's journey. She needs sleep, she hadn't in thirty-eight hours and she only realized when she looked at the new tablet to make sure she had rewind everything properly. It's not like she wasn't constantly exhausted, it was a subconscious reminder that she was alive and fighting for everyone's survival, now she's fighting for her own, she feels lighter even though it's ephemeral, the weight coming back in five years.
"Thirty-eight days. I slept more than I should have last night so I just got to the dock on the mainland and I'm sleeping on the boat tonight. There's this… it's twilight and it was this pretty blue/green sky. On the mainland…it's—it looks like everything's burning. The sky is black and not a single star but when I look inland it's a fierce orange and striking yellow, it's gorgeous of you get rid of the morbidity of it.
"It's weird. I thought I was sacrificing myself when I injected myself with the Nightblood turns out I saved myself instead. I'd be dead if I didn't take Emori's place. Self-sacrifice turned into self-preservation. Morbid humor strikes again. Talk to you tomorrow, Bellamy."
"Forty-nine days. It feels weird forgetting about Unity Day, do you think our people in the bunker remembered and celebrated? Did you guys up there? It was last week, the day I found the stream. The one that made me sick and you didn't hear from me for two days. If you can hear me, don't worry if you don't hear from me for a day or two. It's radiation from food or water. It sucks but knowing that from the get go might be easier. After two days you can worry," she chuckled. "Is it… do you think it's stupid that I keep hoping that I find little bunkers with canned food from a hundred years ago? Did I ever tell you about the time Wells, Finn, and I were trapped in a car because of Mount Weather's acid fog?
"It was horrible, honestly. Wells was being judgmental and Finn wanted to let loose. Guess which one I choose? The one with apocalypse-aged whiskey. Yep, you heard that right, the princess had fun long before the Rebel King gave me permission on Unity Day. Anyway, I'm going to sleep and hope to wake up at a decent time to get to try and find food and water and any greenery. It's a wasteland."
"It's my birthday. Fifty-seven days since Praimfaya. I can't find anything and it sucks. I built a fish trap and caught something and I ate it without question. I… I'm kind of going crazy down here and I'm trying to maintain some semblance of sanity. A routine but this safety thing really messes with my sleep, I'm safe and alone and I don't have to worry if I'm going to be attacked. I have the rover and the boat for protection regardless. It's surreal; feeling safe and not looking over my shoulder, I feel lighter and… free for lack of a better word. I'm not free, I have a lot to do and responsibilities and I have to keep myself alive and find greenery and check on the bunker.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow. Have some chocolate cake for me, yeah?"
"One hundred and one days," Clarke sighed into the radio. "The silence is deafening which doesn't help my wavering sanity. Back at Becca's lab I found Jasper's iPod, I can charge it and play it but I hadn't needed to. I'm starting to see my naiveté in that decision.
"Training to be a doctor on the Ark all… honestly, that feels like a lifetime ago and not three years ago. You learn a lot about psychology in case there's someone considering suicide or just depression in general and they say music is helpful. I wouldn't describe it as depression, just… loneliness. I talk to you but you can't respond and it reminds me of how alone I am but also that I have seventeen hundred and twenty-five days until you come down, until the bunker opens and I get my people back.
"I suck at math unless it has to do with medicine so I could be wrong but six percent of our five year sentence is complete. I'm probably a few days off but still a shitty percentage regardless. Anyway there's a fish awaiting my consumption. I'm becoming used to the radiation and not getting the boils and burns and vomiting like before. There are positives and negatives to that, probably means I run on radiation now. Th—" she yawned. "I'm going to eat and get some sleep."
"Hey, Bellamy. Its one hundred and seventy-four days since Praimfaya and I found another Second Dawn bunker. Level six, I think Cadogan got a rise out of tricking and manipulating people. What incentive would a level six have to keep going if there's a bunker waiting for them? It had food and water but the generators were shot so I stock piled in the back of the rover. I have guns and swords back there too.
"I marked it on the map for when you guys come down to see if Raven can use the mechanics for whatever she's building."
"Seven hundred and eighty-nine days. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine," she smiled slightly, she's not in a great mood but she didn't want Bellamy to know that. "I found greenery. Its north of Arkadia, I think a little east. Two hundred miles north of Polis. I—I tried digging them out, get to the hatch at least," her voice broke, the loneliness taking its toll but she tries to not let him hear it in her voice. "Make it easier to get out in thirty-four months. I'm going to need help when you guys come down.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow. Good night, Bellamy."
"I'm sorry, I know it's been four days. This year has been rough, Bellamy. I know that every day is another day closer to seeing you again but it's still two years away and the silence is… deafening. I—I'm trying my hand at farming and the soil must be immensely fertile here because Wanheda can't keep anything alive but I somehow am.
"Anyway, today marks three years since Praimfaya, one thousand and ninety-five days. I knew that if I made it nine hundred and thirteen days, I could make it the rest of the way to five whole years, but Bellamy, it's so lonely and I tried keeping my spirit up because I'm alive. I survived Praimfaya, but I'm alone and it's overwhelming.
"I don't want to put this all on you, I've managed not to for sixteen months or so. I don't blame you for going, you wouldn't have survived down here so you made the right choice. Your only choice, Bellamy. I'd rather you alive up there than die after a week down here. I need you to survive, I need to see you again."
"I found someone. Another nightblood, she's nine and lost and alone and I don't know how she's survived. I was taking the route I usually do to Polis and the bunker, trying to pull the pile of debris off the hatch, its slow moving. Anyway, I stopped halfway to recharge the battery and eat some food and I heard this rustling and it's been twelve hundred and seventy three days since Praimfaya, she witnessed her whole village burning to death at the age of six, I… I don't know how she's alive but I somehow convinced her to stay with me. I think it was the food. Her name is Madi. That's all she's told me.
"I know this is going to sound bad and you might take it the wrong way, like I didn't before and I do now, but I feel like I have something to live for. I'm living to keep her alive, to teach the new generation about a better, new world where hopefully war isn't everyone's first response to an opposing force. It's what I tried doing but you wouldn't see reason, Mr. Whatever-the-Hell-We-Want," she chuckled and it felt good. "Then there was Anya and Lexa and the Wallace's. Earth set everything up as a fight since the beginning. I hope that's not what happens when everyone's reunited, I hope there's peace and people bring joy and life into the world instead of death and destruction.
"Madi is sleeping in the rover. I think I'm going to do this in the mornings now so I don't keep her up with talking to you. I feel more like myself again, I probably sound like it too. More lively. I didn't see the end of the tunnel and it felt like it was never going to end. There's just under two years left and I can almost feel you here with me again. God, even though I talk to you every day, I still feel like I have so much to tell you. Madi reminds me of Octavia when we first landed, adventurous but more wary than Octavia, she dove right into everything but Madi tests the waters because she knows how dangerous everything is. She only showed me that when she was uncertain about me and then again with the food I made for dinner that I opened from a can. Baked beans. They're good. I'm trying to save food for you guys because even though Eden's green and growing, there isn't much in the sense of food. Not many animals and I'd rather let the animals repopulate than dwindle away because I'm hungry.
"Good night, Bellamy. I'll talk to you in thirty-six hours because I'm going to talk to you in the mornings instead."
"Bellamy, if you can hear me. If you're even alive. It's been thirteen hundred and eighty-one days since Praimfaya. Madi is obsessed with listening to stories about our little delinquents and her favorites are of you so I talk about you a lot. It makes me miss you more, like I don't know who this new Clarke is because she doesn't have a Bellamy.
"I keep going over our last conversation—just you and me—and I told you that they're going to need you to use your head if something happens to me and they need you to lead with your head and heart. We were a team because you were so passionate and full of heart, which is an amazing trait that I love, but it needed the balance you had with me, thinking of a better solution that worked well with your passion. In Polis they called us Wanheda and Wanlida—Bringer of Death—the right hand of the Commander of Death. It was surreal and I refused to acknowledge you as such. It hurt thinking that the grounders thought you didn't have your own thoughts and ideas because they didn't know you like I did. They didn't know the passionate man that I put before myself even though I never let you see it. ALIE was going to kill you if I didn't give her the pass phrase to the Flame and I couldn't sacrifice you. It's a good thing I didn't have to."
Clarke swallowed back her tears and proclamation, steadying her voice with a lie, "Madi's waking up. I'm teaching her how to shoot with a real target and not a blanket with a giant 'X' across it. You worked with what we had. I'll tell her that story today maybe. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Bellamy?" Madi's voice broke and Clarke felt a pang in her chest. "I'm—I'm Madi. Clarke talks about you all the time. Anyway, Clarke's sick, it's a fever and chills and vomiting… I'm not supposed to tell you that, but she's getting better. She told me about you, about how she talks to you every morning and she's missed two days. She told you not to worry if you didn't hear from her so here I am, letting you know that she's okay and she's going to be back before you can say 'oxymoron'. I don't know what that means, but she says you will and you can't explain it to me so I'm not going to ask in hopes that you do."
Clarke groaned, thinking that maybe she's talked too much about Bellamy to Madi over the past year. Then the thought left as she puked more over the edge of the rover. She caught Madi's glare before rolling back over to how she was comfortable moments before her stomach turned upside down for the millionth time.
"Wow, I suck at this, she's structured in this now. Has a routine and I'm messing it up. Fourteen thousand and twenty nine days since Praimfaya. Thirteen more months until you return. I'm going to say something I'm not supposed to again, Clarke misses you and I can't wait to meet you and Raven and Harper and Monty and Murphy and Emori and… yeah, even Echo. Clarke doesn't talk about the last two much and she thinks I don't know that, but they're grounders like me, right? They weren't delinquents.
"I wish I knew you so I can make a joke that I knew you'd laugh at or at least get you to crack a smile because from what Clarke says about you, you're too serious for your own good. You're also the one that makes her smile the most, almost as much as when she's talking about her dad and Wells. She misses them, but not like she misses you. There's hope in her voice when she talks about you.
"Oh, I think we should start counting down, but she says it's easier to count up just in case. I've never seen her be negative when talking about you, but she's not certain you're coming back on time. I think you are. I think you miss her just as much as she misses you.
"Clarke says I talk too much. She'll get better and call you again. Have a good day, Bellamy."
"I'm never letting Madi do another message to you, though she idolizes you and you'd figure that out the moment you came back down. I'm better, still a little woozy and light headed when I stand so I've been doing a lot of sitting. Being sick sucked because I drained a lot of our canned stock pile," Clarke groaned. "I'm still out of it, did I say how many days? Fourteen thirty-one. I'm going to sleep some more... I miss you, Bellamy," she said softly, her fingers letting go of the radio as she drifted to sleep.
"One thousand, four hundred and sixty-one days, it's been four years, Bellamy," Clarke's voice broke. Madi was asleep in the back of the rover and Clarke had the realization that they're so close to the end of their sentences, until they can come back to Earth and help her get the rest of their people out of the bunker. Realizing that she's been pining for a man who has options up in space, who's changed and become a well-rounded leader. That he might not want or need her anymore… he mourned her if he doesn't get her transmissions.
"I… talking to you keeps me sane and Madi gives me a sense of purpose. I—I know I haven't talked about the bunker recently, it's… it's difficult to think that there are twelve hundred people trapped down there and I'm not Raven, I can't build a bomb to clear the rubble. Cadogan didn't think that through when he built the bunker under a concrete building. If you think about it, think about the catastrophic devastation of nuclear bombs, you know they level everything in their wake.
"Well, okay, obviously they didn't last time or the tower in Polis wouldn't have existed but two, that leaves everything in ruins," she grimaced and took the mic from her lips. Even after four years, the desolation still overwhelmed her and Clarke's mind kept circling back to the City of Light. The buildings and parks and sculptures, asking the ever present question knocking around the back of her head, if everyone had freewill in the City of Light, would it have been a better option than space and the bunker and… and a charred Earth?
She needed something lighter, something that would make him smile. They're eighty percent through their sentence. Madi, Clarke smiled. "Two nights ago Madi begged to tell me a bedtime story. It's about the delinquents. The one hundred… correction one hundred and one including you. It was sweet, she remembered everything. I'll have her retell it to you one day, okay?"
"It's fifteen hundred and seventeen days since Praimfaya, Bellamy. We're almost done. I… I'm too tired so I'm going to let Madi tell you the story I promised you two months ago. Ready?"
"Hi, Bellamy," Madi smiled and Clarke's heart had this pang, she wished her family could finally meet this little girl she's helped blossom and hold out hope in this barren Earth.
"Once upon a time, there was a castle in the sky. The people who lived there were scared of the ground below, but the castle was dying. So they decided to send the bad children down to the scary place to see if they could survive.
"In the beginning, there were a hundred of them."
"A hundred and one, counting Bellamy," Clarke cut in, of course Madi did that on purpose because Clarke corrected her the first time.
"A hundred and one, right. Anyway, they were alone, with no parents. So they did… whatever the hell they wanted. Then, the monsters came out. Some of them killed the children, some of them took the children away to steal their bones. One even stole their minds!
"But the bad children fought back and they realized that together even bad children can do good things. They even began to see that some of the monsters were just like them.
But when the parents came down to find their children, they did not understand this. They just made things worse.
"The hundred fought for their land, the fought for their friends. Sometimes, they fought against their own families. They tried to be the good guys, but then they realized; there are no good guys. And that they weren't children anymore, but it didn't matter, after all they did to survive, it turned out that the scary place was haunted by a monster they could not kill.
"So they ran and they found a place that could save them. But they couldn't figure out how to share it until a hero rose from the ashes to unite them all. In the end when the unkillable monster came, not everyone made it inside.
"Eight warriors were forced to face the monster alone. They fought like they never fought before, but it wasn't enough. Until one of the eight, the bravest and fairest of them all, climbed the highest tower and cast a spell, sending her friends back to the sky just as the monster roared in.
"If she had to die to save them, then she would die. But she didn't, because she had magic blood. Only now, she was alone, everyone she ever loved or cared about was gone, trapped under the ground or lost in the sky.
"She thought she was the last person in the world, but she was wrong. She found another, the most badass—correction, second most badass—warrior on Earth and they lived happily ever after."
"Good job, Madi. Say good night to Bellamy."
"Good night, Bellamy," Madi smiled.
"Bellamy, if you can hear me… it's been one thousand, six hundred and forty three days since Praimfaya. Madi and I decided that living out of the rover isn't really viable with everyone coming back and we found an area in the green zone that's flat and expandable so we're going to build a cabin and a smoke house to start. We're going to be exhausted for the next few weeks.
"This is something that I'll never admit again. Ready? I used to read the dictionary for fun on the Ark, you might've found it in my old bedroom. Anyway, my first week awake in Becca's lab, I took it up again and it helped me fall asleep at night.
"Sobersides. It's a noun that described me circa our drop ship days. I think I've proven I've changed through some morbid discourse. I may have been trying to low key flirt with you. It's weird because there's an 's' at the end so I thought it was plural but it's singular. So without further ado, sobersides is a humorless or habitually serious person. I had no other choice really, keeping everyone alive or… trying to. I failed most of the time.
"They… they hated you in Polis after finding out you helped slaughter Lexa's army. She wouldn't let me out of the tower, they thought it was Wanheda who told Wanlida and you were following my orders. I don't think I ever treated you like that, like a pawn.
"Think of it like chess, the pawns are expendable, whereas the king and queen are essential, though I'm just a princess. I don't work well without you and I think it was the same with you. We were a balancing act."
Clarke shook her head, "Sorry, I've been a little nostalgic lately, thinking back on everything we've done… together and how it worked better somehow than when we were making decisions separately, or at least I was."
"Bellamy," her voice broke. "One thousand seven hundred and four days since Praimfaya. I—I almost lost Madi yesterday, there was an accident in the smoke house but she's fine and not allowed near the smoke house for a while.
"I think it triggered my nightmare last night," Clarke licked her chapped lips. It's June, the beginning of summer and they hadn't found aloe vera yet this spring, she's beginning to worry about sunburns.
"It was just another day on the ground, teaching Madi how to make a splint in the woods in case she were alone. Then I heard this muffled boom, like pushing through the atmosphere in the drop ship, do you remember that feeling? It… utterly surreal, like everything else in my life at this point. I looked up to the sky and followed the trail of fuel exhaust through the sky, Madi asking me what it is and the ship doesn't slow down. There are no parachutes that deploy to slow the descent and once the ship went below the tree line there was a huge explosion and I had to fight collapsing to the ground, instead charging towards the crash, Madi on my heels and when I got there it was like the exodus ship when I thought my mom died. The ship was small, Vesta IV, and I wanted to die. I wanted it all to just be over because you survived, you lived up there for five years and you come back and die before taking your first breath of fresh air in five years.
"I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, I kept looking up to the stars, looking for the ring but I couldn't find it. I tried making up a story, something that would make me calm down and still have hope that I got the ring up and running before you all ran out of air and didn't make it and I've been talking to nothing every day for over four years.
"It's not that I don't have hope, I do, it's just difficult to think I'll never see you again. That the last thing I'll ever say to you was 'hurry' and it turned out that I was the one that didn't have enough time. Believe me, the irony in the situation hasn't gotten past me."
"Two more months, Bellamy. One thousand, seven hundred and seventy-eight days since Praimfaya. Madi and I are going to go to Becca's island and collect clothes and stuff we all left there. Maybe some tech stuff for Raven if she wants to work on it, Madi is infinitely better at fixing the rover than I am and it's off the specs on the tablet. She also fixed that… she's seriously so smart, I don't know where she gets it from.
"Okay, that's not funny, it's unfortunate. She refuses to talk about them, she told me a few stories in the first months we were together, but nothing since. I don't know if it's because she doesn't want to remember or because she misses them. Probably a mixture of both," Clarke shook her head. "Anyway, we're heading out so I'll keep you posted. Two more months."
"So, Bellamy Blake, I know you're smart, I may have found your Ark record and read through it a while ago, anyway, I know you're smart so I don't have to tell you that the number of days in a year is based on how long it takes the Earth to rotate around the sun. 365.25 days to be exact add four years together and there are aren't any… four years makes an extra day and during these last five years there was only one technical leap year so there's only one extra day so that means, today at one thousand, eight hundred and twenty-two days since Praimfaya, there are only four days until it's safe to come down.
"I'm… I'm excited," she smiled into the mic, thoroughly happy for the first time in five years. "I miss you guys. I miss our people. I want to see my mom, I want her to know I'm alive and the nightblood works because I've been here the whole time. I'm living proof.
"Bellamy, I… I don't want you beating yourself up over leaving me. I don't know why I never said that before, you did what had to be done. Hell, I did it to you at the drop ship. But you survived, you lived and so did I, okay? We're still here and I don't blame you, just like you didn't blame me."
"Madi is so excited, Bell. She won't stop talking about what you're going to teach her. She wants Murphy to teach her how to cook, Raven to be better at fixing to rover because she does that far better than me. She wants to learn the proper way to farm because I definitely did not grow up in Farm Station like Monty and she wants Harper to teach her patience. I also have to ask Harper for forgiveness.
"I didn't put her on the list because of her father. I shouldn't have done that, I should have thought everyone though better. I certainly shouldn't have been on the list, but I know why you did it. Logically it made sense, I'm a healer and somewhat of a leader… I tried to be anyway and I'm fertile, which was the most essential qualification of the list.
"Wow, even on the day you can return I'm morbid. It's a gift, I suppose, probably not the best one to have acquired but it's something we have in common, a morbid sense of humor. Anyway, when you come down, aim for the big spot of green on the east coast of North America. That's where I'll be waiting."
And she did wait all day with Madi restlessly at her side until the sun set and all of Clarke's worries and fears of the last five years began forcing their way to the forefront of her brain.