Disclaimer : I own none of this crazy-ness . . . err . . . well I own that but . . . I don't own the characters.
Characters : Naruto&Kakashi&Sasuke&Sakura, Ed&Al&Mustang&Winry (FMA), Kyle (South Park), Harry&Malfoy (HarryPotter).
Warnings : Male/Male, almost rape, random crossovers, cursing, pretty much just crack.
Naruto and the Philosopher's Stone
One day, while skipping down the road on his way to training, Naruto came across a strange purpley-red jewel. "Hmm . . . I wonder what this is . . ." he thought aloud.
He picked it up and examined it in his hands. "I'll bet that Sakura-chan knows what it is!"
Anyways, somewhere across town, a certain short blond, named Edward Elric, was searching for all the stone. "Dammit, where the hell could it be!?" he yelled into the air. His brother, Alphonse Elric, tried to calm him down.
"Brother, don't be so impatient," he said, "We'll find it!"
Ed scowled at his younger brother. "Shut it, Al! We actually had it in our hands, but then you had to drop it and chase after that kitty!"
"Ed, please don't yell anymore," Al requested.
That's when a certain silver-haired Jounin walked up to the two of them. "Uhm . . . I couldn't help notice that you two aren't from around here . . ." he started.
"Yeah, what of it?!" yelled Ed.
"Well, we don't take too kindly to strangers around here," Kakashi said, with his hand on his kunai pouch.
Al began shaking his hands in front of himself in a "no" sign. "Umm…mister, we don't want any trouble!" Al exclaimed.
"No! Al, it's ok! I wanna fight him!" Ed yelled. "But first I'd like to know his name," Ed said, looking at Kakashi expectantly.
"My name's Kakashi. Hatake Kakashi." Ed blinked and nodded.
"Is this guy a retard or what?" he asked Al, rhetorically.
That was when Sakura came up. "Who's the shorty?" she asked, pointing at Ed.
"I'M NOT SHORT! I'M NOT A TINY PIPSQUEAK WHO'S SMALLER THAN A SPECK OF DUST! YOU DIE NOW!" Ed yelled on the top of his lungs. Sakura blinked, stupidly.
"But, you are short!" she argued, not knowing when to stop.
That was when Ed snapped. He transmuted his mechanical arm into a knife and charged at Sakura, and she screamed.
She looked around for Kakashi to save her. He was over looking through the window of a book shop that had a sign that said "18+" in the corner. Sakura sighed, and then realized that Ed had his knife to her neck. She screamed again, but her yells were in vain.
Ed slit her throat and she let out one last strangled cry, before falling to the ground; a growing pool of blood spreading around her.
Ed panted and Al started yelling. "Oh my god! Brother you just killed a GIRL!"
Ed shrugged.
Kakashi walked back over, arms full of books. "Oh my god! You killed Sakura!" Then Kyle appeared out of nowhere and yelled out "You bastards!" then went away again.
That's when Sasuke came walking up. He saw Sakura's dead body and wanted to jump for joy, but he managed to find a way to restrain himself. Kakashi couldn't help but notice the happy look in Sasuke's eyes as he looked over Sakura's corpse.
Kakashi sighed. Ed was about to attack Kakashi, but that was when he noticed, like really noticed Sasuke. "Oh my god, he's so pretty," Ed mumbled. Unfortunately, Al heard him.
"Brother? Are you gay?"
". . ."
That was when Naruto ran up. He saw Sakura's dead body and he chucked the stone away and he raced to Sakura's side.
The stone hit Ed in the head and knocked him out.
"Brother!" yelled Al as he raced to Ed's side. Naruto began to sob, and he was hunched over Sakura's body.
That's when Sasuke kicked him in the side. "Get up, dobe," he told the blond coldly, "she didn't even like you!"
"Shut up! She did so!" Naruto yelled as he glared at the raven-haired boy, "and she did so like me!"
"No, she didn't, she hated you, she told me everyday. She said she wanted you dead," Sasuke said in his stoic voice.
Naruto sighed and stood up. He walked over and picked up the stone. He walked over to Sasuke and smashed the stone into Sasuke's face.
"Ah!" Sasuke yelled out, in pain. Sasuke tackled Naruto to the ground and they began to fight. They started wrestling and they rolled down a random hill. At the bottom, they landed in a big mud puddle. They rolled around it for a bit, then they rolled into a river, and fell off of a waterfall.
But as they were just about to hit the ground, Harry Potter swooped in, with Malfoy on his broom. They each grabbed Naruto's and Sasuke's hands. They swooped up to the top of the waterfall.
They let Naruto and Sasuke down. That's when Harry looked behind himself and saw that goddamn Malfoy was on his broom again.
"Oh Goddammit Malfoy! Why the hell are you here?!" Harry asked in an exhausted voice. Malfoy didn't say anything, he just smirked.
"Uhhm . . . what the fuck is going on?" Naruto asked. Harry and Malfoy were surprised with Naruto's voice.
"His voice . . . sounds . . . cute!" exclaimed Harry. Malfoy nodded.
"Yeah it kinda does . . ." admitted Malfoy. Naruto slowly backed away from the two wizards on the broom, and right into Sasuke.
Sasuke grabbed Naruto's shoulders, to keep them from falling. Naruto turned around and looked at Sasuke.
"Dobe . . . I think I . . . You sh-should know that . . . I love you," Sasuke admitted.
"Err . . . Teme . . . I-I . . . Ah!" Naruto yelled, running away. Sasuke blinked, then looked back at Harry and Malfoy. They were floating on the broom and making out. Sasuke groaned and looked away.
He walked back to find Kakashi, only to find that Ed had woken up and he had killed Kakashi. When Ed saw Sasuke he grinned. Al sighed and walked away because he saw a kitty.
Ed began advancing on Sasuke, and Sasuke was slowly backing up. When Sasuke's back hit the wall, he wanted to scream. Ed held down Sasuke's wrists beside Sasuke's head, pinning him to the wall. Ed leaned in and breathed heavily down Sasuke's neck.
"Hey, weren't you just a lot shorter?" asked Sasuke.
Ed's eyes narrowed. "Yes, but I used the Philosophor's Stone to become taller," he replied.
"Oh."
"Yeah . . . So I'll be continuing now . . ."
Sasuke groaned in frustration. He'd hoped that the questions would have distracted the simple minded blond.
Ed smirked and fingered the bottom seam of Sasuke's shirt. His hands slowly moved down to the button on Sasuke's shorts. He slowly undid the button, that's when he heard a familiar voice.
"Ed! What the FUCK are you doing?!" yelled the ugly one.
"Oh, no . . . It's Winry . . ." Ed mumbled, looking behind himself. He saw the blonde girl standing there with tears in her eyes.
"Ed? What are you doing? I thought you loved me..?" she mumbled. Ed frowned but didn't say anything.
Winry whimpered a little. That's when Ed saw Scar standing right behind Winry. Now, normally, he would have yelled out and told her but, right now, he just figured 'Ah, screw it!'
Scar stuck his hand on Winry's face. She yelled into his hand. He spun her around so that they were facing.
"God has decreed that you must die," he said. Winry screamed and her brains were splattered all over the wall.
Ed and Sasuke blinked. "Wow . . ." Sasuke mumbled. Scar smirked and turned.
"Please excuse me. I have a wedding to attend," he said, pulling off his regular clothes, revealing a suit made for a groom. "I hope Taylor isn't mad that I'm late . . ."
Scar walked away and Ed turned back to Sasuke. "So, to continue what we were doing . . ." Ed mumbled in Sasuke's ear.
That's when they heard another familiar voice. "This town isn't big enough for the both of us!" exclaimed the voice.
Ed turned and looked at Kakashi's dead body. "Why is it talking?" he asked, rather scared.
"I'll be back," said the voice. Sasuke realized that the voice wasn't coming from the body. It was coming from the bushes. Sasuke pointed over at the bush and Ed raced over to it. Sasuke, who was somewhat curious, followed him.
They looked deep into the bush and saw Naruto sitting there, knocked out, in the bush, with a tape recorder.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NNNAAAAAAAARRUUUUUUUUTTOOOOOOO!!!" Sasuke yelled, doing up his pants. Ed blinked at Sasuke's sudden show of emotion.
"I don't think that he's dead . . ." Ed muttered. "But he did look pretty awful when I hit him over the head with that stick . . ."
Sasuke scowled. "How could you do that?!" Ed blinked like a kitty.
"What do you mean? I love you!" Ed exclaimed.
"How could you not consider my feelings on the matter!? I love him!" Sasuke yelled, shaking Naruto's limp body.
Naruto's eyes slowly opened. "Uh? . . . Sasuke-. . . teme?" Sasuke smiled happily.
"Yes, I'm right here," he replied. Ed backed away from them and backed right into Roy Mustang.
"Ah! Mustang! What are you doing here, you bastard?" Ed asked. Mustang looked at him right in the eye, and smiled like Kakashi.
"I'm here to pick you and Al up!"
Ed looked down. "See . . . the thing is . . . I don't wanna go back . . ." Ed admitted. Roy blinked.
"Why?"
"I'm in love!" Ed exclaimed, "With him!" Ed pointed at Sasuke.
This story was in my notebook, and people were telling me to put it online so they could read it easier.
Apparently, my writing is messy.
By the way, Taylor (the one Scar was marrying) is my friend from art class.
-Taryn