"And this time was worse than the first time I felt like that. This time I was in my room, everyone else had gone to lunch and we had stayed behind to finish up the last few problems on our math homework. I had no idea he was going to go farther than before."
"Further how?"
"Well he always touched me, I liked being hugged by him and liked sitting and laying near him it was comforting. Until he started touching me when we were out in public like in class and while driving. He kissed me a lot, and would grab at my sides and play with my hair; sometimes he would grab me between my legs." I couldn't hold my tears in any longer, one spilled over the edge followed by more.
"I see, and you didn't want that?" He asked
"No It frightened me, no one had ever paid attention to me like that before I didn't know how to make him stop he never listened when I said no. The day we were alone he got me on my bed and I thought he was just going to tickle me and touch me like normal, play with my breasts and grab at my backside but he did more than that." My lip was quivering, the tears steadily falling into my lap. "he didn't even use protection he pinned me down and removed my cloths. He… stuck his fingers inside me and moved them around. I was kicking and trying to get him off of me but he was too strong and I was panicking. While he was touching me and kissing me all over as he removed his pants and pressed himself in between my legs. I held back the urge to vomit and yelled for him to stop he just kept repeating 'you wanted this, you have to, just let me fuck you.' And silenced my protest yet again with his hand at first, then his mouth. No one was there to hear me and my shouting only excited him more, I stopped yelling and resorted to tears as he entered me and had his way. The pain was new, it didn't bother me I just felt dirty he was the first person to ever touch me like that I didn't know what to do. I don't remember how long he was their but I remember him getting dressed, he was angry I had gotten my blood all over his tank top and his girlfriend was going to notice. He told me to clean up, to hurry and to meet him downstairs before our next class. I had twenty minutes to shower, dress, hide my bloodied sheets and gather my book bag, calculator, and text books for math class. He kissed me one last time left me lying on my bed and walked out. I was still naked so I grabbed a towel and my toiletries and ran down the hall to the showers. "I finished my sentence sputtering, and babbling like a child I felt as worthless and dirty as a person can feel.
"Well did you tell anyone?" Dr. Olendski asked.
"Of course I told a few people! I told his wife, she laughed in my face and told her friends I was a psycho bitch trying to break up her marriage!" I was enraged, everyone I turned to believed that it was a lie. How dare they I thought they were here to protect me. The rest of the session was a blur I blocked it all out and waited until I could make my escape and hurry out to my car. The heat in my face felt scorching like the summer sun, the tears made my head ache and swell. I knew at that moment what I needed to let go of the memories. I climbed into my car and started it up. Reaching into my door I found a tiny paper envelope and tore it open. I picked up my straw out of the cup holder and breathed in the powder through my nose.
Therapy diddn't help, it never did, it only made me feel weak and voulnerable. With my car parked haphazardly in the driveway I fumbled up the stairs and wobbled through the doorway. I caught a glimpse of myself in the window pane as I walked into my room, my stomach churned and growled.
You're disgusting, you fat, useless whore. You are the biggest waste of space and oxygen god ever created, matter of fact he only created you to watch you fail. It's no wonder you were rape, you whore your self around but what I don't get is how anyone would have sex with you? The worst thoughts flooded my mind I felt like giving up, giving in to the voice. What's the worst that could happen, someone might miss me? Ha yeah right. I wasn't thinking straight I was clouded in disillusion and hate, I sat on the bed and took out a single edged razor blade from my bedside stand. I sighed, so cold to the touch, such a thin, simple item could cause such sweet release. I pressed it to the skin on my arm as if I were about to play a violin. Memories kept flooding in, causing more agony. "You like that, Baby?!" I nodded in response letting my mind wander making sounds to encourage the man who was on top of me. Each thrust brought the tears closer to the brim of my eyelids, I turned my head to hide the emotion. It felt like a long time so I hoped he would finish soon so I could leave and cleanse my body of this act with a shower. With a series of low grunts he finished and moved aside. The man with sandy blonde hair and brilliant eyes smiled "You always know how to show me a good time, Mase" the words slipped out of my mouth before my brain registered. "So do you Rosie" Mason said with a wink. My body shivered as I was pulled back to reality by a sharp pinch on my left arm. I always felt satisfied knowing I pleased a man without lifting a finger but the satisfaction never lasted long enough. Remembering my intentions I looked down at the razor and quickly drew it across my tender skin, time after time, I was shaking and tears were spilling out rolling down my face. I wanted to hurt myself so bad, no matter how hard I focused I never drew the blade deep enough.