Insert trite disclaimer here: Don't own Twilight or any of its characters, or Neil Young, or James Morrow, but if I could combine their brains into one glorious man, I'd probably orgasm spontaneously at the very sight of him. I'm not infringing; it's an homage, I swear. I do own the idea behind this story. If you plagiarize a FF, then you are the eternal supreme ruler of Losertown.

You're all just pissin' in the wind.

You don't know it, but you are.

And there ain't nothing' like a friend

Who can tell you you're just pissin' in the wind…

Ambulance Blues- Neil Young

EPOV

" Hi!", a loud, high-pitched voice squeaked above me suddenly, startling me from my reverie. Great. It was Jessica "I-can't-take-a-hint-to-save-my-fucking-life" Stanley. Again. Apparently, the fact that I'd chosen an empty table in the far corner of the cafeteria, and was sitting with my back turned to the rest of the room, was clearly NOT enough of an indication that I preferred to be left alone. I sighed heavily before looking up to address her.

"Uh, hey."

" Whatcha doin?" I looked down at the open book in my hands, and then back up at her, pointedly, but as I mentioned, the girl was just clueless. She just stood there wide- eyed, waiting for my response. There was an awkward silence for about ten seconds before I finally gave up and responded, " Um, reading?"

" Oh." Her glossy pink lips turned down at the corners. " I HATE to read. Is it for class or something?"

" No."

" Well…, whatcha reading?"

" It's called Towing Jehovah by James Morrow.

" Toe…what?"

Sigh… " Towing Jehovah." It's about a disgraced supertanker captain who's given the chance to redeem himself by transporting the decomposing body of God to its final resting place." Wait for it…

Jessica just stared for a moment, brows furrowed, and then said, " Oookaayy. Anyway, me and Lauren were just wondering if maybe you wanna come eat lunch with us, since, ya know, you're over here all by yourself and everything." She fluttered her eyelashes in way that was probably meant to look seductive.

Now, this is the part where I come across as a complete asshole.

" Jessica, how many times have you or one of your friends invited me to have lunch, or hang out, or whatever since school started?"

" Uh, well…."

" Forget the actual number; it doesn't even matter. The point is, one of you makes it a point to bug me at least once a day since school started a month ago, and in all of that time, when was the last time you recall me taking any of you up on the invitation?"

Jessica laughed uncomfortably and blushed. " Well, never, but ya know…"

" Right" , I interrupted, " NEVER. And why do you think that is?"

"Um…"

" You know, forget it. Just answer me this? Why do you want to hang out with me?

Jessica turned beet red, giggled, and rolled her eyes. " Well, um…"

" It's because you think I'm attractive, right?"

Jessica giggled and nodded, staring down at her feet.

" Yeah, that's what I figured. I mean, I get it. I know what I look like, and I see the reactions that I get . Between my looks, and my car, my money, and the clothes, I guess I must seem like a pretty good catch, but besides all of that superficial stuff, what else do you really know about me?"

" Um,…"

" Nothing. You know nothing about me, and judging by your reaction to my book here, I'm going to venture to guess that if we did waste any amount of time playing the whole " getting to know you" game, we'd probably discover pretty quickly that we have little to nothing in common. Now, if I were a real bastard, I'd just pretend to like you long enough to fuck you before dumping you and moving on to one of your friends, but the truth is, I'm just trying to get through the next two years in this Podunk town, and then I'm out of here, and the last thing I need or want is to get held up by some small town twit who's idea of " happily ever after" consists of two and a half kids, a golden retriever, and a white picket fence, so the next time you get the notion to mosey on over and interrupt my reading, do us both a solid and pretend I'm just an ugly fat kid, m'kay?"

Sometime during my speech Jessica's countenance had shifted from giggly embarrassment to apoplectic gaping. After a moment, she began to stutter in outrage, " You- you're just a jerk!", before doing an about face and stomping back from whence she came. I'll admit that I was a little disappointed that she didn't come back with something at least a little clever. She was pretty enough. They all were, but that was it. There was nothing there, no substance, and as depressing as the thought of two years of solitude was, the notion of having to tolerate their barrage of banal thoughts on a daily basis was even more depressing, not to mention that I had absolutely zero desire for a repeat of what my Dad calls " The Tanya Denali Incident." It's a long story, but I learned a valuable lesson from it. The Jessica Stanleys of the world don't care about what lies beneath the surface. They take one look at the pretty face, and then they just invent whatever persona suits them. They don't give a fuck about who I am or what I care about, and I have no doubt in my mind that if I truly were just some homely fat bastard, they'd never look twice. That's why even though maybe I should feel a little bad for making a 16 year old girl sprint away from me in tears, I really don't. I'd already been through this shit in Alaska, where I'd actually TRIED to make the best of things, to no avail. I'll never be the perfect " dream guy " of their mediocre imaginations, and occasionally, they need to be reminded of that.

" Spread the word!", I called out to her retreating back. Yeah, I'm an asshole, but at least I got my point across, finally. That was almost five months ago, and I haven't heard a peep from them since, and ya know, that suits me just fine. Maybe now I can actually get some fucking reading done.

Yeah, my Edward's gonna be a bit of a prick, but he has some redeeming qualities, I think. He just needs to learn another valuable lesson. Maybe my Bella can teach him. Incidentally, no offense intended to fat people. I love fat guys, and skinny ones, and tall ones, and short ones, and bald ones, an hairy ones…..